You love him, and he ... abuses it. I call this kind of man a manipulator. He meets often, but "stings" not all. If you expose a man-manipulator immediately, then your relationship remains only two ways:
But the qualities of a woman who are easy to manipulate:
- low self-esteem
- dependence on the partner (not self-sufficiency).
Some of these qualities are traditionally consideredfor women positive. But, when her fateful encounter with the manipulator occurs, they always turn against it. The fact is that in the process of the first conversations with his victim, an experienced manipulator is looking for such that here it could be "hooked". He asks different questions, groping for your weak spots. For example, the dream of any manipulator is conscientiousfemale. With her, you can get up almost anything, and if she "vzbryknet" - immediately blame her for lack of conscience, reminding her what was done for her. Then she immediately grabbed her head and, out of habit, took all the blame on herself. Similarly they do things with trustful and sincere; such willingly share with the manipulator unnecessary information. For example, the "black" case, in which you have long ago sincerely repented, will always remember you, you just have to be outraged by some of his bad deeds. The further, listed by me qualities, in comments do not need - all of them are the greater blessing for associates, than for you. On the other hand, if you were lucky enough to be born as a good little man, you can compensate your kindness with shrewdness and common sense. Then "and in hell you will not get and life will live well". But the qualities inherent in these manipulators:
- lack of guilt.
As you can see, the manipulator is the complete oppositehis victim. His words and deeds often have a hidden connotation. If by his speeches, he causes pity for himself - this is done in order to abuse your responsiveness, if he demonstrates sincerity, listing all his petty sins - most likely this is to provoke you to frankness and entice you out of some " horrific "truth. Another common manipulative technique is to make yourself wait. Manipulators of the time adore delaying your waiting for indefinite periods. They use pauses anywhere and anytime. When you expect an exciting continuation of the dialogue, they are meaningfully silent. Often such a pause is accompanied by a searching look. In doing so, an experienced manipulator knows that a naive victim can not stand the created "verbal" emptiness and necessarily express some hasty and stupid idea; maybe she'll start apologizing or making excuses, maybe she suddenly agrees with what she should not agree with - in any case she will testify against herself. The purpose of such pauses is to embarrass the victim, cause her anxiety and spiritual discord. But the embarrassed victim is always easily controlled. There are other options for "manipulating waiting." Suppose, after you had a great time together, he, referring to urgent matters, disappears in an unknown direction. The first few days you still remain calm, but he does not ring anything and it makes you nervous. A week passes and you tell yourself - this is the end. But passes a couple more weeks - he appears with some plausible legend, and now you, exhausted by a long wait, agree to believe anything, just to not be left alone again. Look, how simple it all is! If a man returned to you too quickly, you would still have the strength to drive him. But, when you have almost lost hope, and then such a surprise - his return becomes for you simply a gift of fate! In other words, you have been given time to understand a simple thing - you are bad without it, so you can not voluntarily refuse it. What can I say? The diagnosis of your illness is "dependence on a partner." In amorous and weak-willed women, this is practically not treated. The output in one is an example from a manipulator; to develop self-sufficiency in oneself and start looking for "the cause of your whole life." Your mental space, reduced in this way, will minimize all the torments of the soul. Somehow one friend said to me: You want to make her think about you days and days - never call the exact time of your next date. For example, I ask the girl: - Can I see you tomorrow? - Of course! She says happily. And then I tell her that from six to nine I'll pick her up on my Mercedes. If she asks why such an uncertain time, I refer to unpredictable meetings at work, which can frustrate all of our plans. She thinks: "How businesslike and prudent he is." Thus, it takes almost 4 hours to "prepare" for our meeting! After all, she begins to prepare for him at 5, and I come for her only to nine. The more she anticipates our meeting, the faster she falls in love. So I present this girl with a "lesson in patience." If she agrees to wait for me, then she will agree to everything else. Outwardly soft and fluffy, internally it is very tough people. They are, first of all, power lovers. However, at first the manipulators always seem simpler than they really are. Therefore, many inexperienced women tend to underestimate their managerial potential. It is appropriate to recall the manipulators that play the role of an infantile boy, who is not in a position to control himself (but he controls you perfectly). "Dirty", and then, depicting an innocent smile, guiltily spreads his hands, saying, what can you do - so I really am! It's simply impossible to take offense at him for long, and it's useless. Women of the maternal type fall in love with such "boys" without memory. There are also manipulators-prosecutors who adore clinging to words. They are ready to "distort" your argument in their favor. Of course, I did not list all the methods of manipulating consciousness. In fact, there are many more. The main thing that you must learn from this chapter is that the trap is shut when you are made to feel guilty for your imperfection. That is, you are unequivocally given to understand that you are incomprehensible, unethical, illogical, rancorous, hysterical, - in short, you are not a superman or an embodiment of holiness. The task of every self-respecting manipulatorrebuild your system of values so that it allows him to sculpt from you what he needs. For this, certain phrases can be used, aimed at distorting your attitude to reality. This leads to the fact that you have illusions about your place in his life. As a result, the events that take place with you acquire a completely different meaning for you. So the substitution of concepts is formed. For example, immoral behavior is treated as "freedom from prejudice", "personal independence", "uncomplexity"; your desire to realize yourself, as a person - "selfishness", "reassessment of one's abilities," "disregard for his love and family values." And how do you like this hypnotic phrase: "there is only here and now, only you and I ..." Yes, it falls directly into the goal of your subconscious, especially if everything was bad in the past, and it's scary to think about the future. It's just that with such phrases everything looks more romantic, and not so trite and cynical as it really is. And yet, despite all the suffering, which sooner or later fall to the lot of everyone who binds themselves by some kind of obligations with the manipulator, women oh, how they love him! From these men it is difficult to refuse voluntarily, and knowing this perfectly well, they decide when the "time to say goodbye" comes. What is the phenomenon of such unconditional love? Yes, that, firstly, they can perfectly play on contrasts: black - white, warm-cold, because these men never get bored and do not get bored. Secondly - "people want, until they can not take." A manipulator so simply you will not take. As they say, women in love with them: he is somehow "elusive". And if you throw away women's sentiments and say like a man - just slippery. And if more precisely - a slippery type, with which you "were lucky" to deal. Can I change anything? As you have already understood, the real manipulator, as a self-sufficient and pragmatic person, can not be edited. Whatever he tells you about his feelings - his essence remains unchanged. Do not engage in self-deception, do not dream of teaching him your unconditional love. It is better to think what can be opposed to its consumer attitude towards you. Do you have enough internal strength for this? If not, it's better ... However, what will be better for you is up to you. What can be learned here. The dog pays for a good attitude towards himself by submissiveness. A cat enjoys herself with it and experiences a voluptuous sense of strength - it does not give anything back. F. Nietzsche. The manipulator can be a good teacher for you. Such a person is not an absolute evil - he teaches. But this is provided that in the "learning process" you will be included consciously. And this will require you to be able to look at your relationship "as if from the outside." And yet, be self-possessed. Keep in mind - the more you have love, the more you will need to develop self-control. In order to speak to a hard-working manipulator "on you" and stop looking at it from the bottom up, it is not enough to memorize "templates of offers" and to expose your "controller". These methods are ideal for occasional interaction, but you will have to "dig deeper" if you plan to develop these relations, but do not intend to suffer from them. In general, it's no surprise that, despite its uneasy character, you still want to be with it. People of this type are endowed with a certain charm, besides, they usually have what is usually referred to as "the aspirations of the majority" - a highly paid job, a prominent position in society, connections and the like. Sooner or later they achieve their own, because these "managers" perfectly understand what others want. They know, "who has what hurts," and carefully hide their own "sore spots". But do you know that they are certainly sick? This is their self-esteem. When something goes "not according to the scheme" - they get hit at the most painful place. And if you just "pour" such a man with your love, then for him this is a common thing - a typical reaction of "stupid" women to his spell. But if it becomes a "slave of love" in your plans is not included, and you dream about relationships on an equal footing, then you will have something to which he will become like. But how to do this, if by nature you are a bright and open person and have polar qualities with a manipulator? Do you have to step on the throat of your own song? There is a more humane way - develop your inner strength, transform yourself as a person. At the same time, you can not give up your best qualities, you simply learn to take them under control, in order to exercise them not out of habit, but as necessary. This is necessary so that you, too, can "tickle his nerves." Do not spare the manipulator, do not enter into its position, do not put yourself in its place. Consider logically. It's one thing to feel sorry for orphaned orphans, and quite another - an adult full-fledged man who tomorrow will calmly cross you and go about his business. Because personal interests are above you. So, in order to love such a man it was relatively safe for you: in order not to pay for your love with your own dignity, you must learn from him three basic things:
- The ability not to get attached (do not depend on a partner)
- Absence of self-pity.
- The ability to create contrasts.
And now about all this in more detail.
Author: Tamara Paliy We advise you to read: