Of all the tests that can be expected inmarriage, the most painful experience is the infidelity of one spouse. Many argue that even the death of a loved one would be easier to endure, because the revealed fact of betrayal ruthlessly injures not only the all-encompassing sense of loss, but also the realization that you and your feelings have been betrayed. And, nevertheless, more than half of all married couples are victims of infidelity, which means that one of the spouses in most marriages will at some point suffer from betrayal. Of course, partner's infidelity can destroy relationships; but there are ways to take responsibility for making marriage even stronger than it was before the partner made a mistake. And if men, as a rule, are uncompromising in case they convict their wife in adultery, then we women, more often have to somehow reconcile with the idea that the wife has skidded somewhere to the left. Family still, children, and the husband swears literally on his knees, that his demon beggar, and more - no-no! How to survive the betrayal of her husband, if you still decided to forgive the erring spouse, and how to return to normal family life after his spree?
If a man has changed ...
I must say that the infidelity of infidelity is different. If the husband seriously fell in love with another (and what do you think, and this also happens!), And if they have a child they have already been born, - there is hardly anything you can do. Well, if you just could not resist, was tempted by the opportunity to try something new? And in general, the concept of infidelity varies greatly from person to person, especially among us women. For one betrayal - if the husband in another's bed jumped, and for another - even if just on the Internet with someone else's correspondence leads. Do you know the expression "to be jealous of the post"? Not only do men know how, we sometimes see rivals in roadside posts! But today we will talk about those cases when the fact of treason included the spouse's entry into intimate relations on the side. This adultery is really capable of destroying the relationship, because if you know that your partner was in someone else's bed, it makes you feel defective and unattractive, causes a painful sense of betrayal, completely undermines your trust in your husband and makes you feel heavy emotions.
How to make steps to preserve relationships
Some marriages do not stand such a test anddisintegrate, because anger and resentment will make a woman's eyes, and the situation seems to her to be much grimmer than it really is. It is not easy to restore relations after such a deception, but this can only be done if both sides are ready to agree to a truce and make sincere efforts to save the marriage. Over time, showing selflessness and patience, you will be able to become even happier than it was before the betrayal of her husband. The main thing - do not rush to conclusions, try to understand the situation and step by step, go to the healing of your relationship. Take a time-out. Your first reaction to news of treason is likely to be a shock, and the second - a violent resentment, anger, a desire to immediately find out the relationship. Let me now in hand-to-hand - you would destroy all your enemies with the bare hands! But strong emotions are never good helpers, if you need to understand the problem and make an important decision. Therefore, the best thing you can do now is to spend some time alone with yourself. Spend a day away from your spouse, two - how much you will need to collect your thoughts and decide how you'd better act. Someone for this is quite a few hours, someone - a few days or weeks. You can negotiate with your husband so that he does not touch you at this time and does not look for an opportunity to explain yourself until you are ready for it. Agree, it would be unreasonable to make any decision, guided only by emotions, especially when they are heated. Decide whether you want to maintain a relationship Yes, it is you who must decide if you are ready to continue to live in marriage with your spouse if he completely abandons all his intrigues. It will be harder for you to survive what happened than to your husband. Think about whether you can find the strength to forgive his deception, if he not only stops his relationship with your opponent, but also takes measures to ensure that this never happens again. Forgive - this means that you will never reproach your husband for treason, even if you quarrel because of something. In a conversation with her husband, you will need to make sure that you both want to save the marriage. If one of the spouses does not want this, then the family will not be able to be saved. You can discuss all the pros and cons of a possible divorce or the preservation of a marriage. Think about the important things that are important for both of you - it can be children, future financial plans, a common home or something else that could connect you. Find the "arbitrator" Talk with someone from your friends, family member, with a person whom you both trust. You need a view from the side; but it should be such an interlocutor, who will not be in advance to keep someone's side. In his presence, talk with your partner, giving him the opportunity to calmly answer all your questions. It may be hard for you to hear why your husband deceived you, but you deserve that he honestly answer you. The presence of a trustee can help you communicate with your husband more efficiently, without undue negativity, which can harm both of you. If you do not want to devote to your problems someone close, then you can seek advice from a specialist on family and marriage. It will help you to make the right steps towards the restoration of your marriage. You may need several consultations, both in pairs, and individual. "Open the abscess" During the conversation with her husband you need to find the cause of treason. It's not always the only guilty of treason to be guilty of a partner. It happens that a man can feel that he does not have enough attention, respect, understanding from his wife. The reasons can be different; but the main reason for many changes - when a man is looking on the side of something that he does not give his wife. If you find the reason, you will have a chance to save your marriage. By the way, in the search for the cause of discord, the help of a consultant can be very useful to you! It will not only help you understand the psychological puzzles of your conflict, but will also offer the optimal solution for how to properly work on problems. Be reasonable, and during the "debriefing" think about the feelings of her husband. Understand that it's bad not only for you. He who is deceived, feels anger, resentment and bitterness; and the one who deceived is now seized with a very strong sense of guilt and shame. Do not discount these emotions; Do not put pressure on him, do not insult him, do not be ashamed or blame him. In addition, take responsibility for your part of the blame for what happened and sincerely apologize to the spouse. It is necessary to speak not about all of its past faults ("here you are always ... you are forever ..."). Do not talk about the past and do not think about the future - talk only about what happened to you right now, in the current concrete situation. Concentrate on what you can do now to heal and improve your relationship. Yes, recovering from infidelity can be difficult, but if you decide to keep a family, then this will have to work day after day. Find ways to approach Think together with your husband what you could do together to restore your former intimacy. This can be some important thing (do, for example, repair the apartment on your own, together having thought out the design and having picked up the materials before that), a common hobby, a journey together. Often be alone. Arrange yourself a second honeymoon! If you consulted a family and marriage counselor, he should have given you individual exercises to work on restoring communication between you; do not forget to work regularly on these exercises. This will provide an opportunity to develop new communication skills to close the gaps in your relationship that arose before the betrayal of her husband. These skills include the ability to communicate, listen and hear each other and treat each other with respect. Develop for yourself some new habits and traditions. It is important to understand that you should not seek to return to previous relationships that you had before the discord; you need to build your relationships on a new basis, creating a model of behavior that will allow you to see your marriage in a new, positive light. Tune in to the fact that you will work on building new relationships, even if not all of them will immediately develop successfully. And even if the offense still comes up from time to time. You and your husband should promise to each other to make the restoration of your marriage a priority, and not to give it up - even when it will be extremely difficult for you. Learn to forgive Forgiveness is a prerequisite for you to regain your relationship and keep the family together. Only by truly forgiving, you will be able to move on in your relationship. You must do this not because someone persuades you, and not because your guilty spouse is waiting for you. You must forgive him when you are ready for it. Probably, it will be difficult. But it is necessary. You can even say that this is vital for the future of your family. Imagine what will be in your family environment, if you do not drop this stone from your soul. The husband will feel your constant resentment, and he will again be burdened by communication with you. At the stage of reconciliation, forgiveness does not mean that you should forget everything quickly and immediately start trusting your spouse completely, as if nothing happened. Of course not! Now, forgiveness will mean that you accept the situation and are ready to move on - next to your husband. Restoring trust You have already realized that working on relationships you have a long and rather difficult. Many couples who decided to keep their family after the betrayal ended up breaking up precisely because the trust was hopelessly lost. And you can understand such women. Burned in milk, and the water will blow! How to be calm, if any husband's exit from home, a call to his mobile phone, the husband's desire to put on a new shirt or sprinkle with toilet water, all this makes the poor spouse nervous and see some kind of dirty trick. And my husband is not any better, because his wife worries about anything, even when he has nothing on his mind. Therefore, both of you must understand that you must show patience, dedication and willingness to meet each other to overcome unbelief and save your marriage. It is better if you immediately agree that for some time your spouse will avoid any secrecy and will not keep secrets from you. He should be sympathetic to the fact that you can call him at any time and ask where he is now. It is important that he himself informs you, if for some reason he linger somewhere even briefly. Maybe he should even give you the opportunity to look in his e-mail box or mobile phone. Just do not abuse it, do not arrange every day for him interrogations and searches, otherwise he will not survive and run away from you. But if all this is done within the reasonable, then in time you will calm down, and this will help restore lost confidence.
How to return happiness
It's hard for you now to believe this, but you canbecome even happy after a while! In many respects it will depend on you. A husband's mistake should not take away from you the ability to enjoy life. You have every right to a better life, and you can create it for yourself. You can decide that you will be happy with your spouse again. Or you can decide that this is impossible. But is it worth putting your future well-being in jeopardy? If your husband is a good person, and there is still love between you, then you should not give a chance that his short-sightedness destroys your life and makes you suffer. Well, that's how they are arranged, our men - at times they are so naive that any tempest can tempt these little ones. But! If for women in intimate relations the dominant role is played by the unity of souls, then for the man, the bodily desires are more important. And not always his connection on the side means that your beloved has really betrayed you. If a man loves you, then he certainly is not happy that he made you suffer. And he will do everything possible to atone for his guilt. Often the husbands who have made up their minds become even more attentive and caring than they were before they decided on treason. But only on one condition: you should not always play the role of an unhappy victim. If you will always remind him with a painful look of how he is to blame for you, it will eventually start to cause him only irritation. And if you will blackmail him - they say, you must do this and that, because you have cheated on me and are always to blame for me! - then it and especially not for long will suffice. But there is one more thing. Upon learning of the betrayal of her husband, you probably looked at yourself quite different eyes. What position do women usually occupy in marriage? We devote ourselves to the service of our husbands and children. If the spouse is uncomfortable, we will do so that nothing disturbs him. If the children want something, we will break into a cake, but we will do everything they need. But for ourselves, we do not have time to do anything. What kind of hobby is there, what kind of pleasure or self-care is there: after a full day's work, run home, climb into an old robe, and let's humor the house! We are sure that this is what all women should do, and that's how you can make a man happy. And only after receiving a cruel lesson, suddenly we understand: yes, the rival is better! She and her hair, and pens, and cloakroom - all right! And she herself is not like a soaked horse. And we? Was that what we were when our husband fell in love with us? Of course not! So is it any wonder that he was not interested in such a wife? You can never sacrifice your desires and interests! The best type of partner is one who satisfies one's desires, because the one who can help himself in the first place can best help others. If you like to swim - find the opportunity to go to the pool. If you like to read, find time for it every day. Do what allows you to be happy. Believe, the husband will not be upset if you do not prepare a four-course dinner. But he will be very happy if he sees a rested and happy wife who will gladly meet him after a whole day of separation. And he will always go home to such a wife with pleasure, without turning to the left or to the right! We advise you to read: