No matter how you learned about the treasonbeloved spouse - guessed it yourself, someone "enlightened" you, or the husband himself confessed ... In any case, this news must have hit you like a ton of bricks, crushing your weight and knocking the ground out from under your feet. Of course, any woman in this situation hopes that you can do something that would help save the family, no matter how much the pain and insult in the depth of one's heart was not burned. You want this and you; you can not, with the weight of the grief that has fallen upon you, gather your thoughts and decide what to do now and how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, how to go beyond pain, forgive an unfaithful spouse and save a marriage.

What to do when you learn about treason

We understand that you need us not so muchwords of consolation, how much clear leadership, what and how to do. It is to help you gather your thoughts faster and understand what to do right away, and what - a little later, we offer you not an article-reasoning about the change and its causes, but an article-instruction with an outline of the optimal actions in your situation . Let it serve you as a beacon, to the light of which you will go, getting out of the abyss of grief.

Do not make any important decisions, especially aboutbreak, just because your husband has changed. Now you need some time to think about your marriage, to understand if there are any problems other than infidelity, because of which your family could cease to exist. It is necessary to identify and discuss them all.

Feelings can not be right orwrong. You have to admit that your feelings of anger, uncertainty, emotional shock, excitement, fear, pain, confusion in thoughts and even depression after the news of the fact of betrayal are quite normal feelings in this situation. Do not blame yourself for them, trying to contain emotions.

Be prepared for what you can havesome physical reactions to a shock state, such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (you may suddenly start to sleep too little or too much), trembling, inability to concentrate, aversion to food or gluttony. Do not be afraid; as soon as the emotions settle down a bit, everything will pass away. In extreme cases, drink some mild sedative.

Take care of yourself. To make it easier for you to cope with these physical reactions, try to observe the norms of a healthy lifestyle as much as possible. Try to eat healthy food, drink plenty of clean water, observe the mode of work and rest, sleep at least eight hours a day, do at least the simplest physical exercises. And try to find an opportunity, at least for a while, to be distracted from unhappy thoughts.

It's okay if you allow yourself to laugh. Laughter will help you not to dive into despair. See good comedies, listen to funny songs. Take time to socialize with people who will make you smile. Life continues, despite all our sufferings and mistakes of unfaithful spouses.

Tears are also a healthy reaction. To cry to you now is even useful. Of course, you should not cry from morning till night, but you need to cry from the heart. The restrained emotions will not lead to anything good; so you just fall into a depression, and it's pretty dangerous. Therefore, cry for health! If you can not give free rein to tears, then listen to sad music or watch a film with a dramatic end.

Start a personal diary. Write down in it all the thoughts and feelings that are associated with the betrayal of the spouse. This will help you to systematize your thoughts, and gradually you will be able to understand what is happening.

Ask all the questions you want answers to.know. Talk to your spouse about his actions. It may be that his betrayal has a share of your guilt. Very often a man seeks in other women what he lacks in a close person. Or maybe it will happen that your spouse and he can not understand what pushed him to adultery. Well, and this is quite possible.

Talk with someone close to you or your friendsyou especially trust. If necessary, seek help from a psychologist. But just do not try to go through it alone - you need support right now.

Both you and your spouse should be checked byVenereologist and undergo a screening for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. And certainly, without this, it is not necessary to resume sexual intimacy without protection.

Do not forget to talk to the children. They should know that you will be all right. Do not hide from them the fact that you are now going through a crisis; Yes, you do not get it. Be honest with your children, just do not overload their psyche with details about how their father cheated on you. And do not give them promises that you obviously will not be able to fulfill.

Try not to be tempted to beginblame the one who became the object of treason. This is a waste of your spiritual energy. Charging third parties will not change anything. Think about the fact that the cause of the disorder should be sought first of all specifically in your relationship.

If you are constantly nervous, shout atthe slightest occasion, you feel as if you are walking through the abyss in the egg shell and still feel physical manifestations of emotional shock (we talked about them in the third paragraph), then this may mean that you have developed post-traumatic stress. In this case, consult a doctor without delay.

Let it not be a surprise for you thatIt will take time to stop feeling pain at the thought of partner's unfaithfulness. Do not expect that the mixture of feelings of confusion, uncertainty and mistrust will disappear only because you decide to forgive your husband and take upon yourself the obligation to preserve the marriage. All this will take place only after some time.

If you do not want to forgive a partner and are set upfor divorce, then look at this primarily not from the point of view of your ambitions, but from the practical side. Analyze your finances, the situation with housing, transport and so on. Think about whether you can solve all the problems yourself; it is especially important not to hurry up if you have to single-handedly bring up your children. Believe me, this is not easy.

Our advice

• Think twice before announcing to your familyor the husband's family about his infidelity. It may happen that you have already established your relationship with your spouse, and someone from family members will never be able to forgive him or you: him - for betrayal and debauchery, and you - because you accused him of something or for having forgiven him.
• Knowing what type of betrayal has occurred, sometimesmakes it easier to understand. Was it accidental and only for one night, or was it a novel? Has this happened in connection with the crisis of middle age, or is this generally characteristic of your man's behavior? In different situations, the reaction to treason will be different.
• On the other hand, in most cases,there is a simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. This may be a symptom of some problems in the marriage, but it can also refer to something in the past of your spouse.
• You have to go through the process of mourning. You will experience denial, anger, depression, and only then will the acceptance of what happened. You must understand that this is how our psyche is arranged; but this does not mean that you can never forgive your husband if you are now, for example, at the stage of anger. Because in due time there will come a stage of acceptance, and you can forgive it and save the marriage. So do not rush to make hasty conclusions and do not make decisions in the heat.

What you need now

• Complete sleep
• Healthy Eating
• Free expression of emotions
• Readiness to Forgive

Four steps to preserving marriage after treason

Your marriage should not be destroyed just because your husband was caught cheating. But you both have to work hard so that the family does not fall apart. We are ready here to give you a guide to action.

Extra-marital relations must be stopped. If both of you really decided to keep the family, then your husband must agree never and under no circumstances to communicate with the former mistress.

Understand the reasons that led to treason. If they are not eliminated, one can not be sure of a favorable outcome of the case. If some pitfalls in your relationship led to treason once, then why can not they do it the second time? Talk to her husband calmly, but very frankly. And admit your mistakes, if they exist.

Take a step towards each other. After betrayal, partners can have a lot of anger and resentment towards each other. But do not get hung up on these feelings. Instead, look to the future better. Refer to each other those emotions that you would like to feel, and not those that you really feel at the moment.

Rekindle trust. The one who has deceived, should again win the trust of the spouse. You will have to start with a zero mark, so your path will not be easy. The spouse should understand that he simply has to immediately answer your calls, tell about where and how he plans to spend the day, always speak only the truth. If he starts to conceal, then doubts will start to get you started again. Only honesty and openness can save your marriage.

How to restore trust

Of course, trust after treason is seriously undermined, so it's worth talking about its restoration in more detail. A few more instructions to help you:

Make the decision to love your husband as before, letting go of the past. Do not focus on the situation, which has violated the trust between you and your spouse.

Adjust yourself to forgiveness.

If earlier your husband lied to you, now he needs to completely change his behavior. This means that there should be no more secrets between you.

Together, discuss and establish specific goals for the direction of your relations in the right direction.

Both of you must confirm your determination to save the marriage.

You need to share the pain with each other. Your spouse should understand that he caused you considerable pain; but you must understand that it is not easy for him now, because he is tormented by shame and regret that it was he who caused you this pain.

Listen to your heart, not just your head. Do not wind yourself for anything.

Be honest and frank with each other.

Do not use harsh or hurtful words andepithets that can cause conflict. Do not slide down to constant reproaches and accusations. Remember that your husband will only be able to open his soul to you when he sees that you have truly forgiven him.

Take responsibility for your actions and decisions. Do not repeat the mistakes that pushed your husband to commit treason.

Be ready to consult a specialist to get a better understanding of what can strengthen your confidence.

Remind each other what each of you deserves in order to get honest and open answers to your questions.

Our advice

• Recognize that the restoration of trust takes time. It will not happen in one day or even a month.
• You can not completely forget about betrayal, but you can completely part with the pain after betrayal. Only this also takes time.
• Share your feelings with each other. Such openness will help you to get close again, and intimacy will revive trust.

What you need now

• Time
• Patience
• Honesty
• The desire to save a marriage
• Love
• Forgiveness

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