The relationship between mother and daughter is one of the moststrong, deep and important. Unfortunately, they are not always perfect. "I do not like your girlfriend," "Sit straight, or you'll earn yourself a scoliosis!", "Do you have a stupid haircut" - do you often hear such words from your mother? And as often you answer: "Mom, leave me alone! This is my friend, back, hair, life "? If you answered yes to both questions, then this article on how to establish a relationship with your mother will be interesting and useful for you.

Reasons for not speaking

As a rule, you understand that everything is bad, not in theone moment . This happens gradually - mutual grievances are accumulating, and reproaches are heard more and more often in your speech. It's terrible that at such moments people are separated from each other, which should be as close as possible to each other - you and your mother. Most likely, it's hard for you to talk about what is happening to you. So it always happens in communicating with the closest - we are either afraid to say something to them, or we say such that later we want to fall through the earth. A tangled ball of feelings, consisting of resentment, guilt, shame and anger, indicates that your relationship with your mother has deteriorated. As a rule, you save these feelings, and then they break out. In order to decide the question of how to establish relations with my mother, it is necessary to determine the causes that have upset them. You can talk about the following things, which most often cause discord in your relationship with your mother:

Mother's attempts through the life of her daughter to realizetheir unfulfilled dreams. This can be expressed in different ways: in a gentle but persistent push towards any ideas about who you should be, or in hard-hitting your opinion. But the fact remains - when you expect too much from you, you begin to feel a heavy burden of responsibility. And you did not take it upon yourself - it was imposed on you by your mother. When you realize this, your fault is that for the most part you do not realize your mom's expectations, you must pass. This is her desire, but your life, and you have the right to live as you see fit.

Aspiration of the daughter to receive approval of the mother. You do everything for mom to praise you. Her approval means a lot to you, and you try not to do anything that would upset her. Your need for maternal praise is unsaturated - you are always short of it. If it's like you, then most likely the problem lies in your childhood: you were told that you have to achieve a lot in life, and all your successes were taken for granted, and failures were very negatively assessed. It requires deep work with personal attitudes such as "I must be the best in everything" and "I should not upset my mother." This is a very strict framework, the exit for which, as a rule, is fraught with an attack of negative experiences: anxiety, guilt, shame or fear. The most important thing is to realize such an installation, and then decide whether it is necessary to you in this form, or it can be changed, for example, to such a "I want to upset my mother as less as possible" or "I want to achieve success in my career."

The gap between generations. This is the notorious problem of "fathers and children." What was previously considered something out of the ordinary (for example, sex and marriage before marriage), now - the absolute norm of life. As well as constant information progress. Therefore, something can be incomprehensible to your mother, and something even condemn it. Council - some new things try to explain to her, but do not do it for emphasis. Your mother is older, and everything new is given to her more difficultly than you. In some situations, do not argue - listen to her opinion and do it your own way.

Constant criticism from the mother. Endless reproaches and nagging lead you to "white heat"? Do you have the worst hair, gait, husband, work and lifestyle? You can sympathize. Living in constant criticism is very difficult. Try to analyze the reasons for such quibbles. They may be a consequence of your mother's nature or her desire to make you better. In the first case, you only have to put up, adapt and accept it as it is. You can reduce the intensity of communication, and then the reasons for the comments will not be so noticeable for her. And in the second case, try to give her feedback on a regular basis-talk about how painful and unpleasant she is to you making her constant criticism. Try to find out why she does not want to accept you the way you are - maybe it's in her own complexes?

Attempts from the mother to live his lifedaughter. It's not that it "builds" you - it's just too insistently interested in your life. Your mother needs to know everything - with whom you communicate, where you go and why you are doing so, and not otherwise. And you can get too stuffy from the total lack of personal space. In such a situation it is important to designate these boundaries and some spheres in your life, where your mother's way is ordered - for example, some aspects of your personal life. Explain to her that this is not from dislike or mistrust. You just want to have something of your own that belongs only to you. And keep in mind that usually such behavior on the part of the mother is caused by one's own problems, so be lenient - perhaps you are the only joy in her life.

How can I fix this?

The initial reasons may be different, howeverin the future mutual discontent accumulates, and it is impossible, and it is not necessary to understand who is right and who is to blame. What can be done so that you no longer have to worry because relationships with your mother have deteriorated and peace and harmony have come to you?

• Try to understand what motivates your mother. Most likely, such an engine will be all sorts of good intentions. But when we want good, get offended and get angry, something becomes out of hand. Realizing that your mother probably wishes you only good, if you do not forgive her completely, you probably want to establish a dialogue.
• Recognition of the fact that each of you has its owna life. It's quite difficult to do, but you need to pass through yourself and understand that you are different personalities with different values, worldviews, dreams and desires. Perhaps, it seems to you, that such recognition should go exclusively from your mother? No! You also need to realize that she has the right to her own views and dreams of well-being, a stable future and self-realization. Part of this realization of yourself as a mother can be the image of a daughter who defended her thesis or successfully married. She may desire it, but you, in turn, are not obliged to implement her dreams for you and, accordingly, should not feel guilty for the desire to live your life.
• Find out more about your mother's life. What was her childhood? What were her youthful dreams? Why did she start dating your father? The answers to these and many other questions may reveal your eyes to the causes of her actions and the sources of some features of character. It is possible that your mother lived a difficult life, and this always leaves an imprint on the character of a person. It is possible that all your discord is a cry for help and support from her side, which she, unfortunately, can not express directly.
• Pay attention to what unites you: external resemblance, the same character traits and common for you views. This will set you up to the realization that you are one flesh and blood, women of the same gender. You will see how much in you everything from your mother, including your dignity, abilities and strengths. You can even feel grateful to her, for you would not be what you are now, if not for her.
• Ask your mother about your childhood. How was her pregnancy? How did you behave in the mother's belly? Did you beat your legs or behave calmly? How did you come into being? What was her first feeling at the moment she saw you? What did she like about you when you were a baby? What was she afraid of? What was the most difficult for her in caring for you? Did she consider herself a bad mother? Firstly, it will focus on your closeness, thanks to stories about how your mother took care of you when you were little. Secondly, it will help you understand how difficult it is to be a mother. What does not hide from the attention of your mother and, in addition, give her the opportunity to once again feel like an expert in such a difficult matter as motherhood. Thirdly, the memories of your childhood are a source of positive energy for both you and your mother, but this is what your relationship with her is now.
• Think about the responsibility that lay onyour mother. Try to put yourself in her place and feel the difficulties that she sometimes experienced and experienced. Most likely, it will reduce the degree of your resentment and anger at your mother. Do not forget that you were born thanks to your mother. She fed you, dressed and cared for all her strength. She worried about you and tried to make it so that everything was fine. She put a lot of effort into you. Remember this, and it will be easier for you to close your eyes to some of its shortcomings.

There is one very interesting phenomenon - as a rule,problems in dealing with your mother go away at a time when you have your own child. This, firstly, is due to a sharp restructuring of your entire attitude and worldview, and, secondly, to the fact that you begin to live in a new role - the role of the mother. And at this moment the true understanding of your mother's actions most often comes. Most likely, these first steps to solve problems in your relationship with Mom will have to be done to you. To that there is a simple explanation: you are younger and, accordingly, more flexible. Your mother is older, and often it is by age that some stiffness of her views can be explained. The problems with the mother are compounded by the fact that you both feel the abnormality of your negative emotions towards each other, causing alienation between you. That's why they need to be resolved and not to allow you to permanently deteriorate relationship with his mother. You are more like each other than anyone else. This similarity supports your mutual affection and makes it unique. And that's why try to return and keep that closeness that is possible only between the mother and her daughter, because you, unfortunately, will not have another chance for such a relationship. We advise you to read:

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