Louise Allen still has a habit ofthe moment of stress close your eyes and count to four - again and again, like a mantra, until you calm down. That's how, being small, she did to survive fits of mother's rage, which could result not only in beatings, but also with sophisticated mockery, which the woman still recalls with shudder. Barbara was not her own mother, she took the girl from the orphanage in 1968. However, the baby did not see a better life.
A photo: Getty Images Murashki on the skin and tears from the eyes Luisa recalls that she was not too afraid of beatings, the more terrible was the other - waiting for them. Her mother's behavior was impossible to predict: it was dictated by outbursts of rage that rolled on Barbara like waves. The baby never knew what punishment might lead to an act or even just a word spoken too loudly. "I was always on my guard," recalls Louise. "I tried to listen to the tone of her voice, peer into the eyes, watch the muscles on my face, to see if the beatings are waiting for me today. To be honest, I even wanted them to happen, because then it was already possible to relax for a while. " The beatings were familiar to Louise. However, in the arsenal of her stepmother there were much more sophisticated bullying ... Barbara for no reason and provocation could force the girl to sit in an ice bath or go out to eat mud from a puddle. Sometimes a woman tied her daughter to the bed with belts and made her take drugs. In case of refusal, of course, there were beatings: "One day, Barbara put me in a car and drove me to the forest," says Louise. "She just left me there, saying that I do not need her." Two elderly women who walked there, found me and drove home. Mother, as always, was justified before them by the fact that it is very difficult for me to deal with. She always managed to pity people. "The most amazing thing is that Barbara had a husband at the same time, and Louise was not the only child in the family. However, the adopted father of the girl Yang was a weak-minded person and preferred to turn a blind eye to what was happening. Brother William, too, was a foster in the family and was subjected to the same mockery from his mother.
A photo: Getty ImagesFrom the homeThe elder brother decided to stop the mother's bullying and, as a teenager, left the house. Louise was struggling to part with William. Now she understood that she was completely alone. At this time, the girl began to seek consolation in art: "To pour out my feelings, I began to draw a lot," says Louise. "Afraid to return home, I went for hours at the art galleries, absorbing stories, colors and mood." The only other friend of the girl was the dog Labrador. He loved the landlady and was always with her. Once the dog even saved Louise from attack. She killed my only friend. It was the last straw. "It happened at night, when I walked through the park. The man tried to pounce on me and rape me, but my dog Blue went to him, and he ran away, - recalls the woman. - When I came home and told all mothers, she said that I was to blame myself, because I dress and look like a walking woman. At that time I was a teenager and just started to make up my face, like all my contemporaries. But the mother saw in me what she wanted to see. "Soon after this incident, Louisa's dog disappeared. It turned out that Barbara put him to sleep. This story was the last straw. The girl decided to leave the house. She was 16 years old, and she went with her boyfriend to Portsmouth, where he planned to go to university. Since then, Louise had to change a lot of works - dishwashers, waitresses, cleaners. As a result, she was able to save money for admission to the Portsmouth School of Art.
Photo:Getty ImagesForgiveness and compassionLouise Allen was able to get the profession of her dreams and became an art critic. She is 50 years old, she is married to 54-year-old graphic designer Lloyd. Louise has two sons - 13-year-old Jackson and 10-year-old Vincent. She is also a stepmother to her husband's daughters from his first marriage. "When I brought my son Jackson to meet Barbara, she said that she thought I was a good mother," says Louise. "She didn't apologize for my childhood, but she told me about hers, and I realized that she deserved sympathy too." Incredibly, despite all the hell in which Louise had to exist for so long, she was able to find the strength to forgive her mother. Some time after running away from home, she returned to help Barbara, whose health was deteriorating at that time. "I rented a house not far from her, dragged her out of town. She became so fragile and vulnerable. We talked a lot. No, she didn’t apologize, but her story about her life explained everything. It turned out that Barbara’s childhood was just as terrible as mine. At the age of 12, she was raped by her own father and became pregnant. The boy who was born was passed off as her younger brother. Since then, Barbara began to have mental problems and began to take various medications. She swallowed pills by the handful, which caused wild fits of rage. She needed treatment, but she ignored everything. No, Barbara never apologized for everything that happened. But then she said “thank you” to me for the first time. So I can’t say that I forgave her, but I understood her.” Barbara’s husband died quite early, and the woman was left completely alone. Louise saved her tormentor-mother from loneliness and took care of her until her death in 2012. Barbara died at the age of 86.
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Each of us at some point in one way or anothersuffered from another person - someone treated us badly, someone violated our trust with their actions, someone hurt us to the quick with a rude word. And each of us reacted in the same way - we felt the pain of resentment and disappointment. And although such a reaction is quite normal, the trouble with some people is that the pain remains in their souls for too long. They experience this pain again and again, unable to let it go. And such a perception of past grievances sooner or later inevitably causes many problems. It not only makes us unhappy, but can also distract us from work, family, from communicating with other people. We fall into the trap of anger and pain and simply stop noticing the beauty of life. Agree, it is very difficult to live like this, and there is hardly much joy in such a life. A familiar situation? Then it is time to fix it. How to learn to forgive? After all, we must be able to forgive, moving on and letting happiness into our lives. Forgiveness can change us, it can change our lives. Forgiveness does not mean that we have to forget what happened. Our forgiveness does not even mean that the person we forgive will change their behavior - we have no control over that. Forgiveness means that you let go of anger and pain and move on to something better. The power of forgiveness is not only in its ability to heal relationships between people - it is also in its ability to heal the one who forgives.
