Do not be an expert to be suresay - communication between spouses is the most important component of marriage. Mutual communication can significantly weaken the arising tension, because communication serves as a kind of vent, allowing to release accumulated steam. But it can turn out the other way round. Agree - if someone is too angry and turns to his half annoyed, it is not surprising that he will get a full anger response. Such behavior of spouses can lead to constant confrontation and will bring undesirable disorder to the relationship. In order for the marriage to be lasting, husbands and wives must master the art of communication with each other. It is knowledge and observance of the rules of communication that is the key to any healthy relationship. To such rules of communication, the ways of resolving conflicts in the family are also quite natural. Conflicts are inevitable. Any family from time to time is facing problems. But many people do not understand that differences in themselves do not harm healthy relationships. Since no one in this world is a perfection, there is no way to permanently live in full harmony. Moreover, each person has his own individuality, and there are no two absolutely identical people on the planet. What is good for one is completely inappropriate for another. The resulting contradiction provokes a conflict. Given this indisputable fact, you need to focus your energy not on how to avoid conflicts in the family, but how to resolve these conflicts. After all, it is unlikely to completely avoid disagreements.
Why do people quarrel?
Unfortunately, few married couplesthink about the reason for this or that quarrel. But the reasons are traditional and banal, they are repeated in all families. Most often, the causes of conflicts in the family are as follows:
- Disrespect, resentment, insults of self-esteem of partners in marriage. Distrust, pathological jealousy;
- Conflicts that arise from the fact thatreality does not meet expectations. Here you can talk about sexual dissatisfaction. The emergence of conflicts is facilitated by the lack of positive emotions, tenderness and participation between spouses;
- Lack of romance in the relationship between husband and wife. The husband stops caring, the wife loses the desire to please her husband;
- Disagreements due to unfair division of household duties, overstated requirements to each other. Different understandings of rights and responsibilities lead to constant conflicts in the family and to aggression;
- Inability of spouses to conduct interesting and richfree time. Monotonous evenings, monotonous, empty days off. To strengthen the family it is very important to create family traditions, and their absence creates the ground for the emergence of more and more quarrels.
When two different people are combined into onethey already create a conflict situation. Before marriage, each had his own life experience, his views, his own habits. When the period of courtship lasts, lovers for a time forget about everything, including about their own habits and preferences. But when the common life begins, the holiday of love gives way to gray weekdays. And here an attempt to combine their different attitudes into one whole leads to the first clashes. And only a reasonable understanding of what is happening will allow the spouses to find rational ways to resolve conflicts in the family.
A quarrel or a dispute?
All problems are solved if the spouses considerthe difficulties encountered are an objective reality, and not a consequence of a partner's shortcomings or his own insolvency. And the resulting friction in this case is the cause of the dispute, not quarrels. Here it is necessary to explain the difference between the dispute and the quarrel. In a dispute, we treat each other sincerely and without dislike. But when, during a dispute, we turn to individuals, a quarrel begins, where the main goal is to suppress the opponent, often even humiliating him as a person. Victory in the quarrel can not be - it would be a Pyrrhic victory, in which all remain at a loss. The dispute is a statement of the arguments in favor of one of the possible positions. And although emotions here too often take the upper hand, the goal is still pursued completely different than in the quarrel. The main objective in the dispute is to find a compromise. Of course, if the spouses want to coordinate their positions, they will have to make an effort of will, which will help to restrain discontent and irritation. And yet, disputes, unlike quarrels, are not "expenses", but "investments" in the future, which will repay themselves a hundredfold. But the quarrels generated by the desire to suppress the partner, inevitably leave a negative trace in the emotional memory of the family. This is dynamite, which can undermine your relationship in the future. Marriages in which both partners talk about their experiences openly, clearly express their wishes and requests, tell each other about their ups and downs, are usually happy. But often we are prone to stereotypes and misinterpret the words or behavior of others. What do we do when my husband lingers from work? Instead of telling him about his experiences, we go to the kitchen, slamming the door, and we rattles there with plates and pots, grumbling discontentedly under his breath. It is not hard to imagine how a man behaves in such a situation. After all, he honestly worked all day and even over working hours, he thought first of all about the welfare of the family. And it is difficult for him to understand that the nervousness of the wife is connected with the experiences for himself. He clearly sees only her discontent and believes that it refers specifically to him, and not to the current situation. He worked a stereotype: the wife is dissatisfied - it means, I am unhappy with me. "I try for them, I do not regret myself, but they are all bad!" - the husband thinks irritably. We, women, also triggered a stereotype: lingered - then somewhere and with someone ... Such situations encourage partners themselves to think out what is the cause of conflict in the family. Each of the partners, having its own logic, the conclusion will make its own. This is how misunderstanding begins. Maybe it's better to talk openly after all? Recognize your mistakes or explain to your husband what his mistakes are. Only to do this is necessary delicately and calmly, so as not to provoke a new conflict. Then everyone will understand the essence of the quarrel, and there will be ways to reconcile. This is much more effective keeps from further conflicts than the silence of the problem. After all, one day the explosion will burst!
How to quarrel correctly?
The main methods of conflict resolution are not soare complex - and this for all their very high efficiency! And most importantly (that's a paradox!) - most of them must be used when everything is calm and there is not even a smell of any quarrel. Simply put, these methods should become the norm of behavior. And then many conflicts in the family simply do not arise! So, let's proceed in order: what should we do and how should we behave, so that family storms do not disturb your home? And if there is a quarrel, how can it be done so that it does not harm your relationship? Try to find time for each other. It is worthwhile even putting aside some of the everyday things. For your mutual understanding, it is very important that you constantly keep in touch with each other. After all, we are constantly busy: at work and at home. This employment leads to the fact that we begin to neglect our personal life, and do not even notice how we move away from each other. Ask your spouse how his day went, praise for success, sympathize and support, if something does not go well. But! - the spouse must feel that he is not only listened to, but also understands and follows the course of thought. Therefore, listening must be interested, really delving into the essence of the conversation. Conflicts in a young family often arise because of the lack of attention of one spouse to another. If your family is still very young, from the very beginning try to get to know your husband better: his interests, opinions, hobbies. Try to find out not only its positive qualities, but also to understand its weaknesses. Remember - for someone who is only interested in their own problems, it will be very difficult to communicate with people, and with your spouse in the first place. Understanding another person significantly reduces the possibility of aggression on his part. Learn to listen Listening attentively provides good contact with people and is often more valuable than the ability to speak beautifully. The family in this respect is no exception. First of all, listen to your husband when he comes home from work and wants to share his problems and concerns with you. Do not pour down on him directly from the threshold of the flow of domestic problems. If you so meet a tired spouse, then he will only remain silent, focusing on his thoughts, which, by the way, he hoped to share with you. In such a family it is difficult to expect the creation of a favorable psychological climate. A smart wife first listens to her husband and then tells her about her problems. And, really clever wife of her husband first feed. The full man is less inclined to conflicts! If the quarrel still begins, then the most difficult thing is to listen to your opponent. But this is very important for the settlement of the conflict. Focus your attention on what your spouse says - you will not only better understand what he feels and what, in fact, led him out of himself, but also show that you are interested in solving the problem and in stopping the quarrel. Before you start to shout and beat the dishes, listen to what is dissatisfied with your spouse. Or give him the opportunity to justify himself - if you are angry with him. It is not necessary in such a situation to consider that your husband is definitely guilty and has no right to speak and justify, preventing you from pouring out your righteous anger. Let him speak out - it may turn out that he is not so guilty as it seemed to you at the very beginning. Listen to each other, and then you will understand each other better. Then you can avoid many conflicts, because mutual understanding is one of the most reliable ways to resolve conflicts. Put yourself in the position of your partner. Each of us sees this or that question from his point of view. And very often the conflict arises precisely because we ascribe our vision of the problem to our partner. Not considering at the same time that he can perceive what is happening differently. For example, the husband was late for dinner, and eats without appetite. He is tired, irritated, focused on his thoughts. The offended wife goes into another room, wiping away her tears and thinking that her husband does not like her at all. They both do not understand each other. And if the wife put herself in the husband's place, and he put himself in the place of his wife? The wife could understand that her husband had a hard day today, and he most needed rest. And the man would understand that his wife had spent half a day in the kitchen, because she wanted to surprise him in the form of a delicious dinner in a cozy atmosphere. If everyone tries to put himself in the place of another, to understand the situation and feelings of a partner, then this will help to be more tolerant to each other. And tolerance, in turn, will help to find the right way out and avoid conflicts. Do not abuse criticism, do not remember the past. Never start a conversation with charges. Criticism is like a boomerang, which always comes back. If we start to criticize, there is no doubt that the answer will get the same coin. When a wife tells her husband that he is unshaven and generally looks terrible, then in response she can hear something unpleasant and in her address. Criticism should include positive elements. It should not offend the dignity of the partner, but, rather, "push" him to self-criticism. Do not make critical comments in the form of attacks, criticism should not be direct. Criticizing the spouse, it is necessary to praise something positive in it. If even the husband did something wrong, the conversation should begin with praise. Praise him for what he did before, and then talk about what upset you this time. So with the habits of her husband or with some of his manners, traits of character. Instead of criticizing what we do not like, it's better to give praise for what we really like. In general, it would be nice in the conversation to slightly idealize the partner: talk about him as if he had already become what we want him to be. A reminder of past mistakes is something you should never do. Some people think that if, during a quarrel, they remind their spouse of past grievances, this will prove to him wrong and make him feel guilty and ashamed. To tell the truth, such "reception" leads to the opposite effect. This can cause the opponent only more anger. Conflicts in the family and ways to resolve them can be different, always the only one: during an argument it is necessary to discuss only those things that are directly related to this problem. This will help you avoid even bigger problems. Cool down! A few minutes of deep breathing work wonders. If during an argument you reach emotional tension - do not rush to give up, or achieve victory at any cost. It's unlikely that both of you are now capable of reasoning soberly. Stop, take a step away from each other. Wait for a while until the emotions settle. You can even go to another room and be alone. This will give you the opportunity to calm down and look at the problem differently. Sometimes even it is necessary to postpone the solution of the problem until the next day, on a fresh head. It's not for nothing that "the morning is wiser than the evening". It often happens that yesterday's problem today seems not so serious and insoluble. So you can extinguish minor disagreements, not letting them flare up in a full-scale war. If you still want to find out the relationship, but are afraid that emotions will overwhelm you and do not let you reason with reason - there is a good way out. Write everything that you would like to say. "Conversational" emotions can be overly dramatic, while emotions set forth on paper are more adequate for certain situations. While you are writing, you will be able to think carefully about every word. Therefore, your position will be very clear. In addition, by reading your message, the spouse will be deprived of the opportunity to interrupt you, and therefore will "listen" to you to the end. In general, never say or do anything under the influence of an impulse. Otherwise, you can make mistakes, which you will later bitterly regret. Learn to admit mistakes and forgive. Never insist on blaming. Listen to what your husband says and be prepared to accept for yourself that in his words there may well be truth. Have the courage to admit your mistakes. Even the most serious confrontation will come to naught if you admit your guilt, and will not continue to try to find an excuse. Everyone can make a mistake, and your spouse will appreciate your honesty and stop the argument, even if he is angry for a while. A very important skill is the ability to forgive. There is no way to resolve the conflict if both sides are not ready to forgive. Many for some reason believe that the only way to punish the offender is to deprive him of forgiveness. In fact, this does not solve the problem at all, but only leads to a strong emotional stress. In addition, it can lead to a deadlock in the relationship of the spouses. So do not force yourself into a trap and forgive each other. Farewell - and move on. Go for a compromise It is impossible during the dispute to search for crushing arguments to pay attention more than the desire not to harm your relationship. Each such "successful" argument strikes a blow to the stability of your marriage. Do not try to win at any cost in the dispute, it is better to find a solution that would suit both. It would be very reasonable for you to take the first step towards finding a compromise. This does not humiliate you in the eyes of the spouse. On the contrary, such a step on your part may even prompt him to take the next step towards a compromise. Smile! A friendly smile can really drastically affect a potential conflict. Often, a tense atmosphere can be eliminated by a positive attitude on your part. It is important to show that you are not indifferent to the issue under discussion, but do not want your relations to spoil. Make your spouse feel that you are "in the same boat." You are a team, and all problems will be solved together. A friendly smile is diametrically opposed to the conflict. In the presence of a man who smiles good-naturedly, we lose the desire to get angry and argue. The mood is easily transmitted. If you smile to your partner, you can be sure that he will answer you the same. The friendliness and benevolence of one person causes a similar reaction from the other, relieving tension. This will solve the disagreement, avoiding quarrel.
How to avoid family quarrel: the basic rules
To summarize all of the above, you can identify ways that will help you to properly exit conflict situations. So, the main methods of conflict resolution:
- Avoid insults
Regardless of who started the quarrel and why,never insult your companion. The most insignificant insult can turn a quarrel into a real scandal. Even if the subject of the conversation was a problem in your relationship, pay all your attention to the subject of the quarrel and do not go over to the individual.
- Stay calm
There are people who are too quick-tempered and can notself-control during a quarrel. But quick-tempered people, as a rule, quickly calmed down. Therefore, try to keep silent and do not respond to such a flash. Of course, it's insulting to be silent and even humiliating to some extent. But if you really love your hot-tempered husband, then you can go for it. If you yourself feel that you can not cope with your feelings - go into the next room and let yourself calm down. And only then continue the conversation.
- Come on
If the conflict has reached a dead end, leave "fightingactions "and go for some time to where you will not see each other for at least several hours. Maybe even have to sleep one night in different rooms. This will allow you to get rid of unnecessary irritation and will give an opportunity to think about your future actions.
- Speak one by one
This is a simple and effective psychological method. You should just learn to speak calmly and listen to your spouse. As soon as you begin to interrupt each other and even more so to shout, stop the conversation and calm down. Only then will your dispute be constructive when you hear each other.
- Think of a stop light
You must think together and take for yourselfa phrase that will serve as a stop signal for you when you quarrel. For example, when a quarrel becomes too violent, someone speaks this phrase, and then you both remain silent for a minute. Only after this you can continue to quarrel. But, most likely, you no longer want to continue. You will calm down a little and will be able to discuss the problem without the previous excitement.
- Take responsibility for the quarrel
Each time after the quarrel, analyze the reason,because of which a conflict arose. If you feel that you were wrong - have the courage to admit your mistake. And try to avoid such situations the next time.
- First feed the husband, and then find out the relationship
This may seem strange: What is the relationship between food and family conflicts? Eating and digesting food are natural physiological processes that relieve stress. And men in everyday life experience a great emotional burden, to which they are less resistant than women. Therefore, a tired, and even a hungry man is especially hot-tempered. He is more inclined to "growl and bite" than to talk about problems. But after lunch or dinner you can talk to your husband on any topic, without the risk of the situation developing into a grandiose conflict.
We have not talked about this yet, but sex, perhaps,is the most effective way to avoid quarrels. We must reckon with the fact that our men feel the need for sex more than us. Surely you noticed that your beloved sometimes provokes a scandal, after which you give yourself to him more passionately than usual. Draw a conclusion! For the sake of preserving your relationship, you should at least sometimes take the initiative. Most likely, your initiative will be gladly encouraged.
- Go to visit
Go on a visit to visit your friends orrelatives - a good way to relieve stress and avoid conflicts. You will try not to show your problems to others and will be able to forget about them for a while. Spend your free time interesting, create your own family traditions - this will greatly strengthen your relationship. And a few more words in the end. Conflicts in the family, though common, but they do not have a very good influence on the relationship. So try to avoid them. And remember: your relationship can bring you more happiness than you think. So be happy - everything is in your hands! We advise you to read: