Each of us someday one way or anothersuffered from another person - someone treated us badly, someone violated our trust by his act, someone touched us with a rude word for living. And each of us reacted in the same way - we felt pain from resentment and disappointment. And although such a reaction is quite normal, the trouble with some people is that the pain persists in their soul for too long. They experience this pain again and again, not knowing how to let it go. And this perception of past grievances sooner or later inevitably causes a lot of problems. This not only makes us unhappy, but also able to distract from work, family, from communication with other people. We fall into the trap of anger and pain and just stop noticing the beauty of life. Agree, it's very difficult to live this way, and there is hardly much joy in living like this. Common situation? So, it's time to correct it. How to learn to forgive? After all, we must be able to forgive, moving on and letting happiness into our lives. Forgiveness can change us, it can change our lives. Forgiveness does not mean that we should forget what happened. Our forgiveness does not even mean that a person forgiven by us will change their behavior - it is not in our power to control it. Forgiveness means that you let go of anger and pain and go for the better. The power of forgiveness is not only in the ability to heal the relationship between people - it is also in the ability to heal the most forgiving.

Why is it so difficult to learn to forgive?

In most cases, people still understand,that sooner or later one should forgive his abuser. And yet we resist - most of us go to reconciliation is not as easy as we would like. One of the reasons for this behavior is the peculiarity of our psyche, arranged so as to protect us. We keep traumatic memories and grievances, because this is one of the mechanisms of survival. Thanks to this memory of a possible danger, mankind survived - someone who knew about the danger and ran away from it, survived and reproduced another generation. We learn from our mistakes. We punish ourselves for our mistakes with some losses, so we do not repeat them. So with resentment - you may think that it is better to refrain from any communication with the offender, than to risk and experience pain again. That is safer to take offense than to forgive. But in fact, this is not so - for the psychological comfort of a person it is much safer to forgive your offender, than to conceal his grievances for years. But in order to recognize this, it is necessary to understand in detail what is inherently offense, and what is forgiveness. And we will help you in this. What is the feeling of resentment and what is forgiveness? Why does a person need forgiveness? What does it mean here - about "consoled" pride? On the balance of the offender's strength and offended? About getting extra attention because you are a "victim"? Or do you not want to forgive a person because you are afraid to recognize your role in creating a problem between you and your abuser? It is very rare in the conflict to blame only one person - as a rule, to some extent, the fault lies with both parties to the conflict. Is reluctance to forgive just a pretext in order to avoid solving these problems? It is not always easy to give an unambiguous answer to all these questions. Yes, forgiving is sometimes very difficult, and then you have to go through a certain process of mental work, so that your desire to forgive ripens. And sometimes the ability to forgive must be learned.

Why should we forgive?

So, if you want to get rid of grievances,learning to forgive them, first of all you need to understand why it is necessary. Otherwise, if you do not see any sense in this, you are unlikely to get something:

• Energy costs

If you are offended, you exhaust the physical andthe mental energy that you spend on feeding negative emotions. But you could use this energy to promote health and achieve your life goals. The ability to forgive is an incredibly positive life position. If you are free from anger and resentment, you become more open to happiness. Your energy vibrations contribute to health. By developing positive energy, we attract the same positive energy. As they say, "what you sow, you will reap." In a word, if you forgive, you yourself only benefit from it.

• Emotional Stress

You have already suffered one time from insulting words oractions of another person. Why suffer even more, letting bitterness and anger into your soul? Why carry a load of negative feelings in yourself for many days, months and even years, sometimes even after the death of someone who once offended you? When you resist forgiveness and carry pain in your soul, you continue to direct your energy into the past. Often, depression and many diseases sprout from old, hidden grievances in the depths of the soul.

• Arrogance

Nurturing your resentment and holding on to your anger, yousometimes you can even feel right to look down on someone. But this is a false sensation. In fact, no one has such rights. Before you point at someone with your finger, exposing its shortcomings, you should see three fingers that point at you. In the end, your resentment and resentment will make you sick and unhappy, and you will become the person who suffered most from his anger.

Learning to Forgive

Learning to forgive is not hard, it's hard to wantlearn this. In fact, psychological practice shows that we sometimes cling to our grievances. This may seem strange, but some people benefit from their offense, because they can blame others for their misfortunes. They do not have to take responsibility for the fact that their life does not develop as one would like. And the stories of their grievances can force other people to take their side. Why should not you be like such people? Very simple! Complaints make us unhappy, and forgiveness will free us! The good news is that you can learn to forgive. It is important to understand that forgiveness is not just an act of your will. The path to forgiveness lies through compassion, and there are a number of steps that facilitate the transition to forgiveness:

• Realize your grievance

It is not necessary to forgive at the same time, or maybe,the same day you were hurt. This is not only difficult, but sometimes impossible. This may take a while. You really feel real pain. How much time is necessary for you, it is impossible to predict, because it depends on so many factors: how serious a grievance, how offensive to you people, how close your relationship is. Someone, in order to forgive the offender, enough for two or three days, and someone and two years will be few.

• Think about possible pros and cons

What problems will your pain make you decide? Will it affect your relationship with someone who has offended you? And on the relationship with others? How will this affect your work and the atmosphere in your family? Will the resentment stop you from achieving your dream, or will you become better by experiencing this pain? Will not you be unhappy? Think about all these problems and decide what you can change. Then think about the benefits of forgiveness: that it will make you happier, free you from the past and from pain, and as a whole - improve your attitude to life. Just do not evaluate the practical side of the issue - the possible benefits of your communication. If you forgive a person just because he can bring you practical benefits - borrow a car, sit with children, do a manicure, borrow money, replace at work - this will not be a sincere forgiveness that will bring you psychological relief. Moreover, you will be excruciated even more if you have to smile sweetly at a person who you really can not forgive in your soul.

• Remember the right choice

Recognize the right of choice. You can not control the actions of other people, you should not even try. But you can control not only your actions, but your thoughts. You can stop the painful experiences and you can move on. You have this power. You just need to learn how to do this, how to learn to forgive offenses. And it is because you have the right to choose, you can decide for yourself whether you are ready to forgive your offender or not yet. Just really appreciate the situation, listen to yourself, to your feelings, emotions, thoughts. And after that, use your right to choose - decide whether to forgive a person.

• Empathize

Try to put yourself in the place of the person who offended yourights. Try to understand why he did what he did. Start with the fact that he himself is a good person, just did something wrong. What was he thinking about, what could have happened to him in the past to make him do just that? What did he feel when he did this, and what does he feel now? Do not force yourself to believe that he did the right thing, just try to understand and empathize. After all, if a person acted in this way, sacrificing your good attitude with this, then he had no other choice. The most effective way to understand the abuser is to put himself in his place. What would you do in this situation? It may very well be that you will come to the conclusion that you yourself would have done exactly that way. So, it will be much easier for you to forgive a person.

• Recognize your responsibility

Try to figure out how you could partiallytake responsibility for what happened. What could be done to prevent the incident, and how could you prevent this from happening again? This does not mean that you take the blame or responsibility for the deed of another person. Simply you need to understand that you are not a victim, but a full participant in events. If you realize this, it will be much easier for you to forgive a person than if you continue to remain in the holy assurance that you are a pure angel. Although in some cases this can be difficult - it's too hard for any person to admit their mistakes. In this case, only thorough introspection will help you. Just look at the situation from the side, as if it did not happen to you - so it will be much easier to be objective.

• Focus on the present

Understand that the past is over. The quarrel lives only in your thoughts. And it causes only problems - a sense of unhappiness and stress. Translate your focus to the present. What are you doing now? What joy can you learn from today? Stop experiencing the past and return to the present. Moreover, it is very likely that your abuser forgot about everything long ago and lives quietly, without even recollecting the incident. And you still worry, suffer, suffer. Is it worth it? Hardly, you will agree.

• Feel compassion

Finally, forgive the person who offended you and realize thatit helps you to become happy. Feel compassion for this person and wish him too happiness. May good and love for him and for life in general grow in your heart. If you learn this gift, you will be surprised at how your life will change. Do not expect that this will happen very quickly - as a rule, it may take some time - someone for a month, someone for a year, and for someone, alas, and all life is not enough. But much depends on your desire to forgive. New brain research by scientists shows that when you create a pattern of thinking or behavior, the brain quickly fixes it. So if you constantly react to resentment with anger or bitterness, then this pattern of behavior will be strengthened, and you will become so responsive in any situation, even when the insult is insignificant and strong emotions are not worth it. Similarly, the construction of a scheme of benevolent behavior will also be consolidated. Always remember this. This does not mean that you should all love and forgive everything, does not mean that your benevolence will free your companion from responsibility for his actions. This means that you will be able to understand and empathize. You have freed yourself and him from the negative relationship between you. And maybe even opened the door to let in a new, much better relationship between you. In a word, having learned to forgive people even for the most violent offenses, you will significantly improve the quality of your life. We advise you to read:

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