With a sense of guilt in our lives, everyone is confronted. Someone is worried that he has offended a loved one, someone is dissatisfied with the quality of the completed report and thinks that the work collective has let down. The stronger the experience, the more people suffer. Often the case ends with illnesses, nervous breakdowns. It's not about the usual remorse, but about a deeper feeling, usually rooted in childhood. How to recover from a mental illness? How to get rid of feelings of guilt? How to learn to live without looking back to the past? First, let's define what kind of guilt is. These are negative emotions associated with your actions or inaction on some occasion. This is the voice of your conscience, which reproaches you for a certain act or because you were left out when it was necessary to intervene. As is known, such normal experiences are well known to every normal person, and there is nothing terrible in feeling dissatisfaction with oneself. Of course, the voice of conscience is fine. It means that your moral principles control your behavior and do not allow you to overstep the generally accepted moral standards. However, very often remorse does not just stop living, but also lead to disastrous consequences like illness. A person commits a misdemeanor, experiences a sense of guilt and sets himself up for something that will certainly be punished. The expected retribution seems so real to him that he falls ill, quits his job, quarrels with his relatives only because he failed to forgive himself for the mistake he made on time. Notice, it is a question of that forgiveness is necessary from itself. Often an outsider who has suffered from your actions has long ceased to keep the evil on the offender, while you are experiencing remorse and can not accept the fact. Relations that can be fully adjusted, completely deteriorate. And all that was needed was to get rid of the guilt and forgive yourself.
The origin of feelings of guilt and its effect on man
According to psychologists, the majorityhuman fears and complexes originate in early childhood. For young children, the feeling of guilt is not peculiar, since their consciousness is immature for a long time. If we are not born with the habit of experiencing remorse, then where does this feeling come from? And how does the problem of guilt arise? It comes from a family in which we grow and are brought up. Each parent tries to instill a sense of conscientiousness to his child much earlier than he will learn to walk. "Why did you break your grandmother's cup, now she'll be upset and cry", "Because you broke Dad's rod, he will have to work hard to buy a new one", "You shouted so much that my head hurt," - familiar phrases, is not it? It is them that you heard in your childhood and often say now to your own son or daughter. If the main part of communicating with the child is reduced to reproaches and punishments, the kid involuntarily begins to feel the source of all the troubles of the parents. But why do adults need to instill a sense of guilt for their children? Everything is very simple. A child who is tortured by remorse is much easier to manage. And parents themselves blame children not on purpose, but out of habit. They grew up with a constant sense of guilt, their father and mother were brought up the same way, so the habit of instilling a sense of their own insignificance is transmitted in generations. Now that the definition of guilt and its origins are revealed, we will learn to live in a new way, without worrying with remorse. Many may ask: why get rid of guilt, if our conscience presents it to us? It's good to listen to your inner judge. And to suffer because of wrong actions is also fair. It is much worse if one person offends another and feels well at the same time. Such people are called immoral and unscrupulous. What to do? Turn into them to easily get rid of suffering? No and no again! In answering the question of how to deal with feelings of guilt, it is necessary to clearly distinguish the line between what can be done and what can not be done. Denial of public attitudes, moral values and landmarks is a direct way to self-destruction. But to leave the parents' feelings about the fact that you constantly owe something to someone is also not recommended. Psychologists argue that feelings of guilt can lead to a bad mood to very specific life problems. Do you think that you are worthless and unworthy of happiness as a person? Life hears your message and reacts to it quite adequately, addressing you with troubles in the form of a car, dirty water, a hamovit of a saleswoman, a huge queue at the supermarket cash desk. It's because harmony and balance control destiny. And if cats scratch your soul, do not expect that there will be no problems in life. Everything that happens inside you will surround you from the outside. Now, when it became clear why it is so important to accept one's own imperfection without the torments of self-flagellation, one should also figure out how to get rid of guilt. Let's learn to do it so that to remain a sensitive soul person, not to turn into a self-centered egoist, but also to stop feeling always and in everything "extreme".
Get rid of guilt: do not hesitate to apologize
You have offended some person and after someTime realized that they did it in a temper, unable to keep anger in time? It's clear that now you do not know where to get away from painful regrets. But, as a rule, a person experiencing his own mistake rarely thinks constructively. "Oh, why did I do it or say ?! Ah, how can I now disgustingly douche! "- all these are phrases that lead to nowhere. Why? Everything is simple, because what happened can not be fixed - the past can not be returned. And to look in the eyes of the present is scary, because for any offense there necessarily comes a reckoning. And if it's a slap on the soft spot, standing in a corner, depriving a sweetie or walking, then, for us, the adults are much harder. Spank us no one, and it will not help. But the loss of a close friend, the dissatisfaction of the authorities, a quarrel with relatives - all this can significantly spoil life. But even these circumstances can hardly compare with the tortures of self-flagellation, experienced by an adult man brought up under normal conditions. So how to avoid the negative consequences of your own mistakes or soften them? First of all, you need to accept an unpleasant fact as some part of the present, to determine how to turn it into the past so that the future does not particularly suffer. For example, you forgot to congratulate someone from close relatives on your birthday. How to proceed? Yes, just call back and sincerely ask for forgiveness, or better yet - to go on a visit with a gift. Let your words are a little late, and the person has already taken offense for the shown inattention to his person, but an honest confession of guilt will be a healing balm for his wounded pride. So do not worry, scolding yourself for the memory flaws, and come up with a way out of this situation. A person will be able to overcome feelings of guilt only when he makes sure that no one is angry with him. Remember how it was in childhood? It was only necessary to ask for forgiveness and instantly it became easier. Therefore, if you want to find a solution to the moral burden, do not hesitate to apologize. First, to the person you hurt. Only do it not spontaneously, but thoughtfully. Try to correct the situation, as described above. Have you beat your mother-in-law's vase? Before you go with the guilt, buy her a new one. Present your favorite sweets, try to cajole someone who, as you think, is angry with you. Believe me, someone else's forgiveness brings great relief. But in the situation described, it is a question of what really caused either the shortcomings of your own memory or the banal awkwardness. Therefore, it is quite easy to change the situation - for this it is only necessary to take very simple measures. And how to get rid of feelings of guilt, if you are not even sure that it is your wrong actions that provoked an unpleasant incident?
We get rid of guilt: the art of forgiving ourselves
First, analyze your actions. Why did you do that? Perhaps, this interlocutor provoked into rude words, for which you are now reproaching yourself? Or this situation simply could not turn out otherwise? Understand that every action is relative. And our perception of the problem varies depending on the angle at which to look at it. Even the murder was justified during the Second World War. And you can not calm down because of some trifles! However, it's just that the remorse can not be overcome. The most important step is to ask for forgiveness in yourself. This will be much more difficult, since a small child inside of you, accustomed to feeling guilty, will in every possible way resist dissolution from remorse. Try to assess the situation objectively, as if you were not to blame for it, but an outsider. Can you justify other people's actions? Of course. We were always more tolerant of the shortcomings of outsiders and could not get used to our own. Think of a similar incident that happened to your friends and family. You did not become worse to them to treat after their misconduct? So the surrounding people will gladly forgive you for your mistake. To learn how to get rid of feelings of guilt, you can use some of the techniques developed specifically for such cases. This is a kind of self-therapy, which allows solving all the basic problems of a person suffering from the throes of conscience. Exercises are quite simple, but very effective, if you use them correctly. So, fighting with a sense of guilt in five stages. Stage one. It is necessary to say aloud "I forgive myself for ..." and list all those troubles that disturb you at the moment. If you say it honestly and sincerely, then instantly feel a pleasant relaxation of the muscles. In the morning, while still lying in bed, mentally recall your own grievances to fate or specific people and forgive yourself and them for these feelings. Repeat all this before the mirror. As soon as the muscles of the face relax, it means that the result is achieved. Watch your own thoughts and forgive yourself for those of them that cause inner tension. Stage two. It consists of a so-called pen sample. Take a blank sheet of paper, a pencil and write a short essay about what you are blaming yourself for. Outline your own emotions, feelings, experiences. Let it be a kind of monologue: you need to write in the present tense and in the first person. The point is to lift from the depths of memory all the old grievances and troubles, to make them "come to life." And now imagine that you have got into a time machine and have a chance to fix everything. Rewrite the story to a new, correct, in your opinion, harmony. And let his final be sure to be happy! Stage three. Imagine that you are the only spectator in the theater. A scene from your past unfolds on the stage, where there are unpleasant circumstances for which you can not forgive yourself. Only now your role is played by the actor. Think about what conclusions need to be made for the future. Now stand in the place of someone who has suffered from your words or actions in this imaginary play. Try to visit his "skin". Do you think this is too difficult a test? Then - intermission. But be sure to go back to the preview and as soon as you can see the end of the story, it will become much easier. Stage four. This method is the most difficult. Concentrate and look at the sky. Imagine a person who is approaching you and suddenly - oh, a miracle! - this is you. Now ask for forgiveness from this phantom. The figure was transformed into a teenage girl, so reminiscent of you in her youth. Please apologize to her. And now you see yourself as a small child. Play with yourself and whisper: "Forgive me!" If you clearly adhered to the algorithm, then before your mind's eye the child will start to decrease and become very small. Carefully place it in your heart. So you will find agreement with yourself and take the path of getting rid of guilt. Stage five. Write letters to all those who you offended. Mention your own experiences and the reasons that led you to do so. And again ask for forgiveness from yourself and those to whom you are to blame. Do not be afraid, you do not need to send letters. Now write the answers from the people to whom your messages are addressed. Forgive yourself on their behalf. That's all. Getting rid of the pangs of conscience is bound to come, but sometimes these exercises need to be repeated several times to finally overcome the guilt.
We pacify the conscience: step-by-step instruction
Step one: we learn to share feelings of guilt and responsibility. It is important to understand that these two sensations are different in their essence, because in the first case we are talking about destructive torments, and in the second one - about a constructive understanding of one's own erroneous behavior or deed. If you are used to looking at problems and troubles only through your own sense of guilt, then you consider yourself to be their only possible cause. "Here again, a quarrel with her husband, all because of the fact that she did not manage to restrain herself on time!", "The child does not obey. Of course, after all, I'm always busy and there is no time for his upbringing! "," My friend was offended, oh, I had to agree to her proposal anyway! "- such phrases, in which the false assessment of events is clearly traced, is for sure familiar to most of us. Instead of the usual regrets, it would be much more useful to understand and rethink a particular situation and understand what in the future it is worth behaving differently. The problem of guilt is, so to speak, a glance into the past, clinging to events that can not be changed, a subconscious reluctance to part with them, and so on. It is very similar to the behavior of a child who regrets a broken vase, but because of age does not fully understand the factors that caused the misconduct. And responsibility just the same and implies a correct assessment of the error, a lesson learned and unwillingness to repeat the situation in the future. Its difference from the guilt lies in the fact that no matter how acute the problem, it is necessary to seek a way out of it, that is, to switch to more important matters. Step Two: Do not fall prey to an unattainable ideal. If throughout your life you have not managed to deny yourself an eternal desire for perfectionism, it's time to do it. Take for granted the fact that neither you nor the people around you are not without flaws. It is impossible to remain cool all the time, it is unrealistic to keep the cleanliness in the house endlessly, every day running with a vacuum cleaner and a rag, it is unbelievably difficult to surprise your husband every day in bed. But how to overcome perfectionism, if it has been planted in you since childhood? "You are an excellent student!" - says the mother to a twelve-year-old girl, and it already seems impossible to get an evaluation below the "five". Familiar? So, it's time to drop the bar of expectations somewhat. For example, you have received a complex and very time-consuming task from the management. What will a perfectionist do? That's right, he'll spend the night in the office, and in the morning, who has not slept in a stale blouse and with somehow adjusted make-up, will put on the table the boss suffered a result. And what will an ordinary person do? Yes, just ask for help from colleagues, or reasonably inform the authorities about the real timing of the work assigned to him. So, feel free to grab hold of the outstretched hand, otherwise you risk slipping into the abyss and falling like an inglorious victim of perfectionism. Step three: learn to refuse. Yes, in this life, the ability to say a hard "no" is simply necessary. But some people suffer from the fact that it is unbearably difficult for them to pronounce this simple word. Do not want to become a hostage of your own complaisance and be regarded as soft? Then do not be afraid to refuse, if, for example, the weekend that you planned to devote yourself, suddenly are at risk because of the possible arrival of friends. They said they want to, so to speak, brighten up your loneliness? Before automatically saying "Yes, of course!", Think about how convenient this visit is for you. Can you enjoy the company of friends and not harm your own plans? Then cordially invite guests. Do you understand that you will have to sacrifice your ideas? Do you want this? No? Then honestly express regret and let know that you are ready to meet, but only at another time. If you act in this way, but not once, but you will be able to clearly differentiate your interests and strangers, then remorse will not visit you in vain. Step four: raise self-esteem. According to psychologists, in most cases, people who do not believe in their own strengths and capabilities are inclined to incur unnecessary guilt. In their understanding, appreciating yourself is to be a selfish and narcissistic person. That is why society has chosen for them the role of a scapegoat suitable for all parameters. What to do? Do not play by someone else's rules, do not be afraid to express your own opinion, do not suppress your own desires for the sake of others. Earn self-esteem before yourself, and soon the attitude towards you from colleagues, friends and relatives will radically change. Step five: do not try to be the notorious servant of two masters. Understand, it's impossible to please everyone, and in the desire to receive the approval of all, without exception, the true cause of stress, often overtaking perfectionists, is hidden. Believe me, there will always be someone who will want to criticize you. Remember your own priorities and if you need to attend a kindergarten by five in the evening, there is no need to take additional work, and then break up, trying to "embrace the immensity." Decide what is main for you, and what can well wait. A clear position is always worthy of respect. Step Six: We study sign language. Do not forget about the impression that your posture, your facial expression, your voice - in general, everything that is called behavioral behavior - produce on others. After all, these seemingly little things make it clear how confident the person is. If you happen to argue with an opponent, straighten your shoulders and look straight into his eyes. Immediately remove from your face a guilty or ingratiating expression, and if you can not calm down, take a deep breath and count to ten to yourself. And even in the event that the claims of the interlocutor to you are justified, suggest that he not look for extreme ones, but rather quickly understand how to solve the problem with the least losses. If to sum up, overcoming the sense of guilt is getting rid of destructive self-criticism. Recognition of one's own mistakes and the desire to never repeat them again is not a useless self-study, but a huge step forward. Exclude from the lexicon all pejorative expressions, which you address yourself. Replace them with positive ones, because the positive attitude has a beneficial effect both on our psyche and on the state of health. Do not reproach yourself for every mistake, look for something you can be proud of, especially if these achievements are yours. Think better not about how to overcome the blame, but about what good you can give to people around you. Begin to treat yourself as a person who is worthy of happiness, love, prosperity, and all your remorse and trouble will go to the background. We advise you to read: