The relationship between mother and daughter is oneof the strongest, deepest and most important. Unfortunately, they are not always perfect. “I don’t like your friend”, “Sit up straight, otherwise you’ll get scoliosis!”, “Your hair is stupid” - do you often hear such words from your mother? And just as often do you answer: “Mom, leave me alone! This is my friend, my back, my hair, my life”? If you answered yes to both questions, then this article about how to improve your relationship with your mother will be interesting and useful to you.

Reasons for not speaking

As a rule, you understand that everything is bad, not inone moment. This happens gradually - mutual grievances accumulate, and reproaches sound more and more often in your speech. The terrible thing is that at such moments people who should be as close to each other as possible distance themselves from each other - you and your mother. Most likely, it is difficult for you to talk about what is happening to you. This always happens in communication with the closest ones - we are either afraid to tell them something, or we say such things that then we want to disappear into the ground. A tangled ball of feelings, consisting of resentment, guilt, shame and anger, indicates that your relationship with your mother has deteriorated. As a rule, you accumulate these feelings, and then they break out. In order to solve the issue of how to improve relations with your mother, you need to determine the reasons that upset them. You can talk about the following things that most often cause discord in relations with your mother:

A mother's attempts to realize through her daughter's lifeyour unfulfilled dreams. This can be expressed in different ways: in a gentle but persistent push towards some ideas about who you should be, or in a tough voice of your opinion. But the fact remains - when too much is expected of you, you begin to feel a heavy burden of responsibility. And you did not take it on yourself - your mother imposed it on you. When you realize this, your guilt for the fact that you mostly do not fulfill your mother's expectations should pass. These are her wishes, but your life is yours, and you have the right to live the way you see fit.

A daughter's desire to gain her mother's approval.You do everything to get your mother to praise you. Her approval means a lot to you, and you try not to do anything that could upset her. Your need for motherly praise is insatiable - you can never get enough of it. If this sounds like you, then most likely the essence of the problem lies in your childhood: you were told that you should achieve a lot in life, and all your successes were taken for granted, and failures were assessed very negatively. This requires deep work on personal attitudes such as “I must be the best in everything” and “I can’t upset my mother.” These are very strict boundaries, going beyond which, as a rule, is fraught with an attack of negative experiences: anxiety, guilt, shame or fear. The most important thing is to recognize this attitude, and then decide - do you need it in this form, or can it be changed, for example, to “I want to upset my mother as little as possible” or “I want to achieve success in my career.”

Generation gap.This is the notorious “fathers and sons” problem. What used to be considered something out of the ordinary (for example, sex and living together before marriage) is now an absolute norm of life. As is the constant information progress. Therefore, something may be incomprehensible to your mother, and she may even condemn something. Advice - try to explain some new things to her, but do not focus on this. Your mother is older, and everything new is more difficult for her than for you. In some situations, you should not argue - listen to her opinion and do it your way.

Constant criticism from mother.Are endless reproaches and nagging driving you crazy? Do you have the worst hairdo, gait, husband, job and lifestyle? You can sympathize with you. Living in constant criticism is very difficult. Try to analyze the reasons for such nagging. They can be a consequence of your mother's character or her desire to make you better. In the first case, you can only resign yourself, adjust and accept her as she is. You can reduce the intensity of communication, and then the reasons for comments will not be so noticeable to her. And in the second case, try to regularly give her feedback - talk about how painful and unpleasant she makes you with her constant criticism. Try to find out why she does not want to accept you as you are - maybe it is due to her own complexes?

Attempts on the part of the mother to live her own lifedaughter. It’s not that she’s “building” you — she’s just too persistently interested in your life. Your mother needs to know everything — who you communicate with, where you go, and why you do it this way and not another. And you may feel too stuffy from the complete lack of personal space. In such a situation, it’s important to outline these boundaries and some areas in your life where your mother is not allowed — for example, some aspects of your personal life. Explain to her that this is not due to dislike or mistrust. You just want to have something of your own, something that belongs only to you. And keep in mind that usually such behavior on the part of the mother is caused by her own problems, so be indulgent — perhaps you are the only joy in her life.

How can I fix this?

The initial reasons may be different,However, mutual discontent accumulates in the future, and it is impossible and unnecessary to figure out who is right and who is guilty. What can be done so that you no longer have to worry about the fact that your relationship with your mother has deteriorated, and peace and harmony come to you?

• Try to understand what motivates your mother. Most likely, such an engine will be all sorts of good intentions. But when we want good, get offended and get angry, something becomes out of hand. Realizing that your mother probably wishes you only good, if you do not forgive her completely, you probably want to establish a dialogue.
• Recognition of the fact that each of you has its owna life. It's quite difficult to do, but you need to pass through yourself and understand that you are different personalities with different values, worldviews, dreams and desires. Perhaps, it seems to you, that such recognition should go exclusively from your mother? No! You also need to realize that she has the right to her own views and dreams of well-being, a stable future and self-realization. Part of this realization of yourself as a mother can be the image of a daughter who defended her thesis or successfully married. She may desire it, but you, in turn, are not obliged to implement her dreams for you and, accordingly, should not feel guilty for the desire to live your life.
• Find out as much as possible about your mother's life.What was her childhood like? What were her youthful dreams? Why did she start dating your father? The answers to these and many other questions can open your eyes to the reasons for her actions and the sources of some of her character traits. It is quite possible that your mother lived a difficult life, and this always leaves an imprint on a person’s character. It is quite possible that all your discord is a cry for help and support from her, which, unfortunately, she cannot express directly.
• Pay attention to what unites you:similarities in appearance, similar character traits, and common views. This will set you up to understand that you are one flesh and blood, women of the same kind. You will see how much of everything you have from your mother, including your virtues, abilities, and strengths. You may even feel grateful to her, since you would not be who you are now if it were not for her.
• Ask your mother about your childhood. How was her pregnancy? How did you behave in the mother's belly? Did you beat your legs or behave calmly? How did you come into being? What was her first feeling at the moment she saw you? What did she like about you when you were a baby? What was she afraid of? What was the most difficult for her in caring for you? Did she consider herself a bad mother? Firstly, it will focus on your closeness, thanks to stories about how your mother took care of you when you were little. Secondly, it will help you understand how difficult it is to be a mother. What does not hide from the attention of your mother and, in addition, give her the opportunity to once again feel like an expert in such a difficult matter as motherhood. Thirdly, the memories of your childhood are a source of positive energy for both you and your mother, but this is what your relationship with her is now.
• Think about the responsibility that lay onyour mother. Try to put yourself in her place and feel the difficulties that she sometimes experienced and experienced. Most likely, it will reduce the degree of your resentment and anger at your mother. Do not forget that you were born thanks to your mother. She fed you, dressed and cared for all her strength. She worried about you and tried to make it so that everything was fine. She put a lot of effort into you. Remember this, and it will be easier for you to close your eyes to some of its shortcomings.

There is one very interesting phenomenon - howAs a rule, problems in relationships with your mother go away the moment you have your own child. Firstly, this is due to a sharp restructuring of your entire worldview and perception, and secondly, to the fact that you begin to live in a new role - the role of a mother. And at this moment, most often, a true understanding of your mother's actions comes. Most likely, you will have to take these first steps to solve the problems in your relationship with your mother. There is a simple explanation for this: you are younger and, accordingly, more flexible. Your mother is older, and often it is age that can explain some of the rigidity of her views. Problems in relationships with your mother are aggravated by the fact that you both feel the abnormality of your negative emotions towards each other, causing alienation between you. This is why they must be resolved and not allow your relationship with your mother to deteriorate forever. You are more alike than anyone else. This similarity supports your mutual affection and makes it unique. And that is why try to return and preserve that closeness that is possible only between a mother and daughter, because, unfortunately, you will not have another chance for such a relationship. We recommend reading:

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