Have you ever thought about what you andmembers of your family are like a single organism? Between you there is a huge number of invisible links, and they explain that the family as a system is holistic. If something happens to one of you, it affects everyone. And this is not some kind of magic, but quite a scientific fact, which formed the basis of a whole trend in family psychology. Many family counselors use a systematic approach in their work, and this really helps many families solve their problems. Having read this article, you, just like them, will be able to improve the climate and the relationships within your community cell without resorting to a psychologist.

Features of the family system

Family as a system has a number of properties. First, the family is more than just the sum of its constituent parts. It may include a mother, father, child and other members, but they are not exhausted: there are relationships between them, family history, family climate, main and secondary rules and family myths. From all these things depends the quality of life of your and your household. Within the family there is a huge number of relationships. This means that if you want to improve the family atmosphere, you need to change the attitudes and behavior of all household members. The family has a very strong influence on the life and condition of its members. This influence is so strong that each of them alone can have one intention, and in fact receive something completely different - something that is subject to the laws of that particular family. For example, parents may want children exceptionally good, but build their relationships with them so that children grow up unhappy or infantile. The family needs interaction with the environment. Agree, the modern family simply will not survive, if the mother does not go for groceries, the father - for work, and children for school. In families that try to secede from society and are closed, there are always various problems: drug addiction, nervous breakdowns, failures in the personal life of its members, and much more. Very interesting is the fact that your family is influenced not only by the reality around you, but also by your families with your parents' husband. For example, many orders and rules that seem to arise themselves in your life, in fact, go from there. On this ground, young families often have conflicts: the wife is used to having traditions in her family, and her husband is used to completely different things. And to each of them his way of life seems to be the only correct one. Understand this situation sometimes it is very difficult even from the outside. But this is not the worst option. It is much worse if by inheritance from parents your family got such unpleasant phenomena as alcoholism or psychosomatic illnesses. It also happens that the problems that are not solved in the old one go to the young family. For example, her daughter had problems with her father: they constantly quarreled and could not find a common language. Time passes, she marries, but she builds a relationship with her husband in the image and likeness of the relationship that has developed with the father. Do not be a psychic to foresee that they will not be happy. Each family has its own boundaries - these are certain rules and regulations, within which it lives (to whom, what and when to do). They can be external, separating the family from the surrounding reality, and internal, delimiting the family subsystems from each other (spouses, children, etc. ...). Borders can be stiff and blurry. If the external borders of the family are strict, then all interactions of family members with the world are strictly regulated: who and how often comes to visit, whether it is possible to visit a society without a spouse, how much the parents of spouses can interfere with their life, etc. ... The washed out external borders too do not promise anything good: the house very often turns to a passing court yard, and family customs appear so free, that someone it can not arrange. Rigid internal borders mean little amenable rules for all family members. The behavior of everyone should be subject to a clear timetable, and any deviations will be condemned. For example, a child is supposed to go to bed at ten o'clock, after which he should be in bed, and no one will come to him, no matter what happens. Blurred internal borders are always a complete lack of personal space among family members. There is no way to be alone and alone. Everything that happens in one subsystem, immediately passes into another. For example, if the spouses have problems and they quarreled, the child immediately begins to get sick. All families by and large obey two laws - the law of development and the law of equilibrium. Paradoxically, they are opposite in the direction of the action. The law of balance promotes the preservation of the existing order of things in the family by any means. Even if all members of the family are very ill, they will unconsciously behave in such a way as to preserve this order. Everyone may think that it is better to have less stability than sudden changes. It is because of this in many families where there are obvious problems, these problems can persist for years, more and more exhausting family members. And the law of development is that the family as a functional system does not stand still, but tries to live its own life cycle. About what stages it includes, it will be written just below. On the side of the law of development are such inevitable things as marriage, the birth of children, the processes of aging and dying.

Family Life Cycle

The family does not arise out of nowhere and does not go away inanywhere. As already mentioned, it is similar to the body, and like any organism, it has its life cycle. The family is born, grows, ripens and slowly goes into oblivion, being the soil for the creation of new families. This circle of life is endless and continuous. It includes certain stages through which almost every family passes - of course, if something does not abruptly interrupt its existence:

The monad stage is the premarital period. It begins with the acquisition of independence by a guy and a girl. They learn to communicate with the opposite sex and choose their partner. Each of the people who create a family in the future, lives their own life and acquires their own experience. Sometimes this period is delayed, because young people do not want to marry because of problems within the parent family. And sometimes, on the contrary, they hurry to gain independence.

Stage of the dyad. At this stage, marriage is concluded and life without children is carried out. The couple begins to live together and faces the problems described above: different habits, lifestyle and traditions. They must agree on what rules their family will live and how their social status will change in connection with the creation of the family. They also have to decide questions about family boundaries, habits, lifestyle, values ​​and finances. All this is impossible without holding a huge number of negotiations and establishing a number of agreements.

The stage of the triad, when a child appears. On the one hand, this makes the family more stable, and on the other - the distance between spouses increases due to more attention to the child. The burden that falls on the shoulders of young parents increases. Mother is forced to sleep a little and take care of the baby around the clock, having time to keep the house clean and tidy. For her, the problem of self-actualization becomes urgent: many young mothers feel that life passes by while they are sitting with the child. The father, in turn, should work more, and after work - to sit with the child, giving the wife time for other deeds. The fatigue accumulates, and this inevitably leads to conflicts. It is very bad if the child is not welcome, and the spouses are not yet ready for his appearance - in this case, the probability of a divorce is high. A feature of this period is the formation of parental roles. Their difference from marital is that the role of a husband or wife can be abandoned, and the role of the parent is permanent.

Stage of the square, the appearance of the 2nd child. A new member of the family pushes the first child - as if the younger one is overthrown from the throne of the elder, depriving him of the authority of the sole possession of the pope and his mother. In such families, there is often strong jealousy, tension and envy. The eldest child comes face to face with the situation when the youngest gets everything, but to him - nothing. Parents need to explain everything in detail to the older child: where did the youngest come from, how to treat him and why all these changes are needed. They will have to organize a family life in such a way that the elder does not feel forgotten and unloved.

The stage of going to school. It begins with the advent of the youngest child in the first grade. At this stage, the family as an educational system is tested for effectiveness. If during the whole first grade the child copes with the load, it means that the family is on the right track. Conversely, if there are problems in the first class, this indicates the problem of the family. It is important to remember that the family can perform its functions well for a long time, and at some stage there may be problems. Parents solve a number of issues related to the child: comprehensive development or choice of employment in interests and inclinations, accustoming to domestic duties, some inconsistency of reality with ideals. In addition, parents for the first time are faced with the fact that their children will ever leave them, and they will remain alone.

Stage of adolescent children of adolescence. This period is filled with crises for all members of the family. The older generation, or grandparents, is preparing to retire. Secondary, or parents-spouses, enter a mid-life crisis, connected with the summing up of intermediate results and revaluation of values. Children enter a transitional age. The law of equilibrium seriously disagrees with the law of development. The family is trying to maintain its former status, but the need for change is strong. On the one hand, the teenager is looking for himself, gradually becoming an adult and independent, on the other hand, the family tries to keep his status as a member of the family. Accordingly, a family in which there is a child of adolescence should release it to the outside world, but at the same time remain a reliable rear for him, where he can heal his wounds, tell about everything. Also, the transitional age of adolescents is combined with the crisis of the rest of the family. Normally, after passing through this stage, the child is partially separated from the family.

The stage of an elderly dyad is a syndrome of an empty nest. Children are less likely to come home, and it may be that either parents are used to communicating with each other, or care for them and love for them rallyed the couple. Often the old differences and problems are exacerbated, the decision of which was postponed because of the birth of children. Solve these problems now is much more difficult, because both husband and wife are adults with established habits and views. Characteristic for this stage is the experience of anxiety, loss of love, disappointment in the partner. Because of all this, there may be an aggravation of existing problems, for example, drunkenness or "left" campaigns. Syndrome of the empty nest is a signal about approaching old age. It happens that the life of adult children does not meet the expectations of parents, which gives rise to even greater disagreements. Often, family troubles are complicated by the spouses' retirement. They suddenly have a huge amount of free time, which they do not know what to spend. Women, as a rule, better adapt to the role of a pensioner, because in their lives there are fewer changes: we are all still mistress of the house, responsible for the family budget and leisure. The man usually plays the role of "breadwinner", and with retirement this role loses its significance. Often in families during this period there is a quiet revolution, as a result of which the power is completely transferred to the wife. This negatively affects the atmosphere in the family. there is a loop on everyday life and routine. A harmonious variant of the experience of the "pension" stage is the search for new spheres and opportunities for self-realization, respect for the goals set by the other spouse and his support and assistance in achieving them.

The stage of an elderly monad - after the death of one of thespouses. It is always hard to survive, as it is not just a loss, but also a reminder of its imminent death. The surviving spouse must adapt to life alone. Because of this, it is necessary to change the established way of life and habits. Psychologists identify several fairly typical options for a widow's or widower's lifestyle. The first option is life in the past: leaving in memories of how well lived, losing the goal in life and giving up the future, leading to loneliness. The second option is life in anticipation of death: there is a preparation for "meeting with the spouse", going to religion, accepting and waiting for death. The third option is egocentrism: one concentrates on one's own health and well-being, the embodiment of one's desires into life. The fourth option is attempts at self-realization in professional or social activities. The fifth - in increasing the intensity of communication with family and friends: friends, children and grandchildren, taking care of them. The sixth is a remarriage and the creation of a new family.

Features of family life in Russia

A lot of books on family psychology writtenforeign authors, and the advice voiced in them may seem very, very effective. However, when reading such works, one should not forget about the specifics of the Russian family, which can nullify many theories of Western psychologists. What are the features of the family living in Russia?

• In the West it is considered that the family is a mother,father and children. Grandparents, uncles and aunts live in separate families, and their influence is very limited. At us, in most cases, all occurs in another way: these relatives live together, under one roof, moreover and on very small territory. At the head of the family is often not the father or mother, and the grandmother or grandfather, and is still more confused because of the material dependence on each other.
• In many generations of our families there are nomen. They died in the war, perish from alcoholism or simply abandon their families. Because of this, Russian women usually have a predominantly female type of upbringing, which, in particular, leaves their imprint on the nature of children.
• Thanks to the Soviet ideology, any manifestationsindividuality for a long time were banned. This is reflected in the family way of life: life, values, norms and rules are built in such a way that comfortable life and satisfaction of one's personal needs become impossible in the family.
• Due to social instability and socialcrises, the Russian family lacks a sense of security and security. We live like a powder keg, with the thought that tomorrow everything can collapse. Because of such constant stress, aggression often occurs to each other and the desire to forget yourself in alcohol.

How to create a healthy family climate

Many of you will agree that the family isa very important sphere in a person's life. But why is its significance so great? In our life, a mass of everything that seems valuable, but the importance of the family remains unchanged. That is why each of us dreams of happiness, comfort and prosperity in her family. What can help in solving this difficult task? Do not forget about the order in the family subsystems. The conjugate subsystem occurs earlier than the parent, respectively, you are primarily a spouse, and then parents. Find time to be alone, keep intimacy and love between you. Establish family boundaries - both external and internal. Ideally, they should be flexible. For example, you do not like it when your husband's friends come to you unexpectedly and a whole crowd. You can agree that they will not do this all the time, but once a month - you can. Or: the child sleeps alone in his room, but when he is sad or scared, he can come to you. And so on - any rules can be flexible and take into account the needs of all family members. Remember responsibility. Everything that happens inside your family is the result of the behavior of all its members, not one of them. If you have serious problems with your husband because he constantly spends time outside the family, most likely you are provoking it. Do not look for the right and the guilty - it is better to discuss this problem with your husband and begin to solve it first of all with yourself. Get in the "someone else's" skin. Sometimes it seems to us that we occupy a non-winning position, unlike a spouse. For example, we sit all day with a small child, cook and clean up. And my husband after work goes for a walk with friends! But think about it, he is also not easy: he is worried about how to provide you and does some of the household chores. Maybe he has a right to a little respite? Try not to "saw" him and understand, and he certainly wants to repay you the same. None of the family members are required to be perfect and fully meet the expectations of the other. Consider this when you require something from a child or from a husband. Washing hands before eating is a norm that is not discussed, but with whom to communicate or on whom to go to school - these are the issues on which everyone has the right to their own opinion. We advise you to read:

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