No wonder people say - "little kids -small babies. " As your child grows up yesterday, more and more troubles and problems arise. Just yesterday, my mother was looking for answers to questions related to raising a baby. And already today she frantically searches for any information about such a phenomenon, as a manifestation of love in adolescents 14 years, and sometimes even younger. No matter how much the parents deny the fact that their child has grown up, and no matter how they persuaded themselves about the possible love of adolescents, let alone teenage sex, almost nobody can avoid this. Do not believe me? And try to strain your memory and remember yourself at this age. Surely, you will remember your first love - so pure and bright, when it seemed that this love - forever. And the chosen one or the chosen one seemed to be the most ideal people in the world. So why did the parents, when they heard that their child was also confronted with his first love, refuse to believe this fact and take it for granted? Often parents begin to prove to their child that he is too young for love, that this is not love, not listening to any persuasions and exhortations of his child. But this is not the worst thing that parents can do. A much larger mistake, which is quite common, is to ridicule the child's feelings. The consequences of such a line of parental behavior may be the saddest. And the loss of mutual understanding and contact of parents with their child is not the worst option. Sometimes, unfortunately, a desperate enamored teenager may even try to commit a suicide attempt. Especially if this very first love is unrequited. Also very often the reason for disagreement becomes the elect or the chosen one of your child. Almost in all cases, it happened a long time ago, but the choice of the children to their parents is not at all like. Those parents who turn out to be a little wiser than others, all the criticism about the choice of a son or daughter prefer to keep to themselves. However, alas, most often parents on an emotional input, especially not choosing words and expressions, tell the child everything that they think about his second half. As a result, a tense psychological situation prevails in the house - parents conduct endless conversation in the spirit "not for him mama's berry raised," the child snarls. Agree - not the most iridescent prospect. And in order not to be in such an unpleasant situation, parents must be fully armed. After all, it often happens that all parental discontent and anxiety are absolutely justified. To the great regret, no matter how much parents like it, the circle of communication between modern teenagers is great enough, and includes not only positive boys and girls. And for some reason, very often adolescents choose their second halves from the so-called antipodes - people completely opposite to themselves. Look around - for sure, you will recall a few pairs in which the partners, at first glance, seem completely unsuitable to each other - a friend. The boy is an excellent student, a student of the Higher School of Economics, who meets with an uneducated and fairly dissolute pupil of the senior classes. Or, on the contrary, the girl is a Komsomol member, a pioneer and just a beauty, a soul that does not savor in the first obmot, and a hooligan of the court. Sometimes their friendship and relationship are absolutely innocent, and they do not do any harm to the teenager at all. However, not always, to great regret. How many times teenagers, trying to be like their second half, started to smoke, tried alcohol, and even drugs. But this is not a complete list of what a child who has fallen into a socially disadvantaged environment may be involved in. So that, to the best of their abilities, parents can prevent such situations, support their child morally, and, where necessary, control the child, or on the contrary, give him a little more will, and you need to know everything about things like love of teens.
Symptoms of adolescent love
Child and family psychologists in one voiceargue that adolescence is one of the most difficult for the child himself and for all adults around him. And this is not surprising - after all, it is during a transitional age that a child begins to manifest himself with such a character trait as adolescent negativism. It manifests itself in the fact that absolutely all the words of adult people a teenager begins to put into great doubt, try to refute them, and not in discussion, but in practice. Does mom say that smoking is bad for your health? So, we need to smoke and see in half a year, what will come of it. Dad said that you should stay home at ten o'clock in the evening? It is necessary to try to come to 11, and see what will come of it. In addition, almost all adolescents at some point begin to feel that adults are excessively climbing not only into the soul, but also into the life of the child. Especially in the case when adults only confirm their assumptions by their behavior. There are several basic taboos that violate psychologists highly do not recommend:
- Do not rummage in children's things - pockets of things, bags, drawers of the table. Remember that the child is likely to take this behavior, as a manifestation of mistrust of parents to him.
- The same is true for mobile phonesphones and computers - do not climb on them. Believe me, if your child - a teenager wants to watch porn videos, he and so will see them, not at home, so with friends.
Otherwise, your child will close into itself is denser, than a molluscum in the sink. In fact even in that case. if the relationship of parents with children is just perfect, in adolescence they still try once again to prevent their parents from entering their lives. And therefore learn that your child has fallen in love, most often attentive parents can only on the basis of love, because it is unlikely that a child will be able to hide all of his thoughts and emotions. So, these attributes include:
- Length of stay at home
In the event that earlier your child could have spent a dayspend all the time reading a book or at a computer, and more recently began to disappear out of the house, coming back later than usual, this may be a sign that he fell in love. And all his free time, of course, he tries to spend together with his passion. In such a case, the parents' grossest mistake will be prohibitions to spend time outside the home. The child will begin to protests vigorously against such a ban, and may just hate you. Of course, after a while, this hatred will disappear without a trace, but for a long time the hassle is guaranteed both for the parents themselves and for the teenager. It is much more reasonable to give the child a little more freedom than usual. Although, of course, and on the boundaries of the reasonable to forget in any case it is impossible - it is inadmissible to allow a teenager to return in the morning. However, let me return home to my son or daughter at least an hour later than usual. Believe me, he will appreciate your confidence!
- Increase the talk time on the phone
Often in the case when a teenagera guy or girl appears, they start spending much more time talking on the phone. And in the event that the child used to talk on the phone in your presence without any care, now he tries to leave the room or at least move away from you a little bit so that you do not hear the conversation. And many parents are very worried about this, believing that the child hides from them something criminal. However, in fact, for the most part, all these conversations are inherently innocuous. And the child leaves only because, considering himself already quite an adult, he strives for some autonomy and independence. Do not worry about this - very soon this desire will pass without a trace, immediately after the disappearance of youthful maximalism.
- Request for an increase in pocket money
As a rule, this paragraph is fair in relation toboys. And this is not surprising - after all, fortunately, despite any emancipation and other "delights" of modern life, there are still a lot of real representatives of the stronger sex who prefer to pay their own expenses for meetings on their own. And parents should be glad that they managed to bring up a real man, even if still quite young. Try to allocate a little more money to your son as far as your family is capable of, so that he can take his girlfriend to a cafe, or at least banally pay for her travel in public transport. Otherwise, the child will begin to independently find the opportunity to find money. And given the fact that not always a teenager can earn money, parents should seriously think about it. There is no guarantee that your son will not steal money from you. And this is in the best case, and at worst the son may be involved in various unlawful acts, and eventually he will have serious problems with the law. In fact hardly you want it?
- The mood of a teenager
Change in the mood of a teenager can alsotestify of his love. And these very changes can be very different and opposite. In the event that the first love is mutual, the child feels a kind of euphoria, constantly in high spirits, which is very difficult for him to spoil. But in the event that the object of sympathy has not responded to adolescent love with reciprocity, the picture can be quite the opposite. The child is almost constantly in a depressed state, can refuse to walk, eat. Girls are teenagers can cry a lot. Of course, parents should at this time try to help their child, but remember that the perception of the world in adolescents is not quite the same as in adults. And if an adult woman who has parted with her passion, despite the sobbing, will gladly discuss with his girlfriend all his shortcomings, and agrees that he is a total bastard, the teenager, in response to an attempt of his parents to indicate the shortcomings of his chosen one, can completely close in himself. And even just an attempt of a mother or father to comfort a child can cause a reaction of protest. It is much more reasonable to try to distract a child. For example, if you have the opportunity, send the child somewhere to rest - changing the situation is very good even for adults, not to mention impressionable teenagers. Or buy him what he long wanted - a computer, a new phone. And do not worry about yourself - no matter how deadly the wound of the child seemed to be, he will soon calm down and forget his first unhappy love.
- Appearance of a teenager
One of the most characteristic signs thatthe teenager still fell in love, is his increased attention to his appearance. Just yesterday, your son did not really care about the purity of his shoes, but today you can look at them as if in a mirror? Did your daughter start asking you permission to repaint your hair for no reason at all? All this is a reason for parents to assume that their child has fallen in love. It is during this period that quite often serious conflicts arise between parents and children. And it's not at all surprising - of course, if the child began to monitor his appearance more carefully, this will only be a plus. However, often a teenager conducts the most real experiments with his appearance - dyes his hair in unimaginable shades, pierces all kinds of parts of the body, puts on unimaginable clothes. Of course, only a few parents can quietly and silently observe such experiments without criticizing the child. However, such criticism is unlikely to have the desired impact, but to spoil relations with the child the probability is very high. Therefore, try to accept the child with all his experiments - very soon they will pass, as they are just one of the inevitable factors of growing up and finding oneself. If you endure such a creative quite unbearable, try to offer the child to go to the beauty salon and go shopping together. Perhaps in this way you will be able to at least slightly adjust the appearance of a teenager. And by the way, about purchases - try not to save your child's wardrobe during this period, otherwise serious enough complexes can develop. Yes, and children are quite violent creatures - to tease out a child who stands out from the general crowd, who does not have this or that fashionable thing, for them is absolutely normal practice.
- The appearance of contraceptives
Sometimes it happens that parents are completelyaccidentally find a teenager means of contraception. As a rule, it is most often boys who find condoms. But girls can also often find contraceptives - the same condoms, or even birth control pills. This situation is twofold. On the one hand, there is nothing good in that the child started to have sex too soon. And it is only natural that the first desire of parents will be the impulse to roll a terrible scandal with the clarification of relations and the search for the guilty. However, before doing this, try to calm down and think soberly. What will you achieve by scandal? Virginity for your child will not return with all your desire. But the relationship, once again, can be completely ruined. Psychologists recommend that parents pretend that they have not noticed anything and ... rejoice. You can foresee the stormy objections of the parents - they say, what's there to rejoice about? And the fact that your child was reasonable enough and far-sighted in order to take care of their safety. Not all teenagers, having begun a sexual life, reflect on their own safety in principle. However, it is not necessary to relax too - all the same your child is still young enough, and hardly knows about all the dangers that sexual relations may contain. Try to do it inadvertently so that the child receives all the necessary information. How you do it is not important. You can leave in the visible place the corresponding thematic literature, for example. Of course, this list of signs of that possible teenage love is very conditional. Often, all these changes occur during adolescence, regardless of whether the child is in love or not. In addition, psychologists say that most of these signs should alert parents, especially the disappearance of money from home and constant fluctuations in the emotional background of the child. In some cases, this may indicate that the child has serious problems, up to the use of drugs. In general, it is considered to be so - the more typed the signs, the higher the probability that the child is really in love. And very often the best way to find out is open question to the child. But as you remember, if he does not want to answer it, do not insist and try to climb the child in the soul - you can only push him away from yourself.
How to behave to parents?
As you can already see, the changes inadolescents love almost always, and sometimes quite significant. How can parents respond to the situation? Let her go by her own accord and not interfere? But above it has already been said that sometimes the first love can lead to extremely sad consequences. Interfere? However, even here parents may be trapped in pitfalls - the child will find that you do not trust him, or overly take care of him. And this also often leads to the emergence of various conflicts. To the great regret, very often parents go on the path of least resistance - they just forbid the child to communicate with the object of love. And on such trifles as the spoiled relations with own offspring, do not pay special attention, believing, that all will be adjusted by itself. However, this tactic of behavior is far from the most correct one. At first glance, everything can pass completely without a trace. However, in fact, this is not so - the child simply - simply hides his grievance deep in the subconscious. And it is not worth it, after many years, to wonder why your child is giving you "protocol" visits of courtesy several times a year, writing off to an eerie employment. However, this is not the most unpleasant of all that such a line of behavior can turn out. As a rule, almost all children without exception, in adult life, becoming parents themselves, involuntarily at the subconscious level will repeat the line of behavior of their parents. So, their mistakes. To prevent such a situation, it is very important to correctly behave in this situation. There are several psychologist's tips that will help parents to behave correctly. So:
- Get to know the object of your child's sympathy
If you are lucky, and you know exactly whoyour baby is in love, try to get to know him. Advise the child to invite the chosen one or the chosen one home. And pay attention - absolutely nothing to arrange a family dinner. The children are still too young, and therefore it is completely useless to arrange a "bride show". Acquaintance is necessary in order to get to know a person better. Very often when you get acquainted it turns out that a person is actually much better than he seemed at first glance. And who knows, perhaps, behind the appearance of a cheeky girl with purple hair is a very modest girl who tries to realize herself in this way. And for the guise of a guy - a hooligan - a young man who catches every word and look of your daughter, ready to fulfill her every desire and protect from the slightest danger.
- Meet the child's friends
In a very profitable position are those parents,who know their child's environment. Try to get to know everyone, or almost all of his friends - and you will have at least an approximate idea of the social circle in which your child rotates. So, you will already know approximately what to expect and what to prepare for. However, be prepared for the fact that in order to get acquainted with the child's friends, you will have to resort to a little trick. It is unlikely that a child will lead you one by one to meet them, as if for interrogation. But in the event that you organize a party for your son or daughter and their friends, surely you will have a great opportunity not only to see practically all your close people, but also to be understood by the understanding and, as the younger generation says, by "advanced" parents. However, remember that it is unlikely that children will feel comfortable under your unrelenting control - give them a little freedom. Stay for a while and go to the cinema or visit - leave the adolescents alone. Believe me - nothing terrible will happen to them. But your child will certainly appreciate your confidence in him, and in every way will try to justify it and not lose it. And on your relationship with the child, such a small holiday will have the most positive impact.
- Refrain from criticism
It may well be that when you meet, you are onlymake sure that you were right, and the other half of your child is very far from ideal. However, do not rush to tell your daughter that the guy is not worth her little finger, and her son - that his girlfriend is just a dummy. Thus, you will not achieve anything, but only push the child away from you. Moreover, your child will persistently spend even more time with the object of sympathy, even if the interest passes by itself, naturally. But to talk with the child frankly will not be superfluous. Try to unobtrusively learn from your son or daughter what exactly attracted them so much in your chosen one or your chosen one. In no case do not laugh at the child's arguments, but try to really understand and accept them. Perhaps these arguments are not so naive and stupid.
- Do not read notations
Another very widespread mistakemany parents are turning a confidential conversation with their child into a banal reading of notations. Agree, few people will like the situation when he comes to a close person with a desire to talk, but instead of advice, or at least understanding, receives a moralizing sermon. Therefore, no matter how hard it would be for you not to stay away from "soul-saving" conversations, do not give in to an impulse at all. Be sure to listen to the child, try to give him really correct and useful advice if he needs it. Remember that the first love will pass quickly enough, but to restore the lost confidence of the child is extremely difficult, and sometimes completely unreal.
- Allow the child to fill his "bumps"
Of course, none of the parents want theirthe child had to make mistakes. And then pay for these mistakes, sometimes quite seriously. However, do not do this in any case! No matter how you want it, you can not just physically save the child from all the dangers that can be trapped by him on a long journey of life. So maybe it really makes sense to give the child the opportunity to make a mistake and acquire his life experience, albeit minimal? At least, so far the child is near you, and you can provide him with the necessary help. And later, when the child grows up, it may happen that you can not help him in such situations. So why risk and deprive the child of the opportunity to gain experience and grow up?
- Do not interfere in the relationship of adolescents
Never try to attachefforts to ensure that the young lovers quarreled. And, unfortunately, very many parents practice this kind of behavior. Intrigues, gossip, slander, slander - parents are ready to go to anything, just to quarrel young people. However, this is very fraught with negative consequences. If you try to tune the child against his second half, and their relationship will remain strong, you risk becoming both of them enemy number one. And in this case, be prepared for the fact that you will be avoided and avoided in every possible way. The child will try to protect his private life completely from your presence. The reaction to even the most innocuous question, like "where are you going?" Will cause the child's only desire to snarl. The child will begin to hide everything from you - your computer, phone, personal belongings. Very soon, the life of the family will begin to resemble a battlefield, the opponents of which will be parents and a teenager. Especially fraught with a similar turn of events for the daughter's parents, and for herself in the first place. Often there are cases where a girl intentionally very early pregnancy from her boyfriend, and as a result, in 15 - 16 years, parents are forced either to give their permission for marriage, or even send a daughter to an abortion. But this is not the best solution. First, the first abortion, and even at such an early age, has a very negative impact on the state of the woman's health, and on the functioning of her reproductive system in particular. Do not focus on the medical aspects - for sure, they all know about them. And secondly, your daughter is now experiencing an extremely difficult life period. Hormonal changes, and even the first love is the most real rattling mixture that makes a girl completely uncontrollable. She can just gather and go to live with her young man. And consider that you are very lucky if your daughter's chosen one turns out to be a quiet boy who lives in a neighboring house, and you meet his parents systematically at a nearby store. And if not? If you very vaguely imagine what kind of person is the guy your daughter is in love with? Suddenly he lives, where it is necessary, earns additionally, doing not very legal things, or hitchhiking? Think about - where will you look for a daughter in this case? But these stories, unfortunately, are not at all some kind of horror stories for parents, but they are met, and, unfortunately, are not rare. In the event that you still manage to achieve your goal and your son or daughter part with their passion, they can blame it for you. Often even after many years, this childish grievance makes itself felt - the child can periodically, as a rule, during quarrels or conflicts, remember this act of yours.
- Tell your child about your first love
If you categorically refuse to acceptchoosing a child, remember that. That lectures and moralizing in a conversation are in no way unacceptable. So try to go the other way - tell him about your first love. And do not skimp on the words - tell me how it is possible in more detail: about your feelings and emotions at that time, about experiences, plans and hopes, about your first date and the first kiss. Try to speak as convincingly as possible so that the child feels the sincerity of your words. And then tell him how and why this love went with you, how you met your true love - his second parent. And it is extremely desirable that both parents tell about it - both mom and dad. Why do you need it, you ask? And with such stories you will in any case make the child involuntarily think about what. Quite possibly, and his first love is not forever. After all, the life of the child is just beginning - and who knows how it will develop further. However, in any case, do not give examples from someone else's life - no point in pointing to a neighbor girl who gave birth to a baby at 16 and raising him alone. Such an example, most likely, the child will perceive as an ordinary next "lecture" on the topic of morality.
- Increase the child's self-esteem
Most often, in order for the child to part withtheir parents, the parents choose the following tactics: they begin to look for the least mistakes in the beloved teenager. And it's sure to discuss them vigorously, but so that the child will hear about it. And sometimes the child is also constantly pointed to them. But such tactics are doomed to failure in advance - lovers usually do not notice much around. And even more so they never see shortcomings in the object of their love. It just so happened. That love in general is very inclined to idealize a partner. Do not believe me? Remember yourself at the peak of love. And your child will in the same way deny even the most obvious negative aspects of the object of love. Moreover - he certainly thinks that you deliberately slander in order to quarrel them. And this almost inevitably leads to a huge number of misunderstandings, misunderstandings and conflicts between you and your child. It is much more sensible to act differently. Do not scold the object of the adolescent's love. And praise the child himself. Praise as often as possible. Praise for any trifle, sometimes even slightly exaggerated - your praise is very important for the child, because it allows him to feel much more confident in himself. And in the event that the child is confident in himself, in his abilities, in that he is smart enough, handsome, well-dressed, he will evaluate guys and girls about the same. And he must definitely evaluate his boyfriend or girlfriend. And it may well be that he himself will overestimate his values and part with his first love.
- Try to become your friend for your child
Whatever the situation, remember,that the first place should be a good relationship with your child. Try to become for him a true friend, to whom the child can address at a difficult moment for him and will receive advice and support, rather than moralizing and blaming. Believe me, you can give your child much more useful advice and keep him from rash hasty actions and mistakes much more effectively than his exactly the same young and inexperienced friends. And it is up to you whether the child will turn to you for this help, or he will go with his experiences to his friends. Be that as it may, but parents, whether they want it or not, need to accept the fact that the time has come, and their child has matured significantly. They need to accept this fact as a reality, and take it into account, building a line of relations with the child. After all, the process of growing up the child has just begun, and the first love is only the first test not only for you, but also for your child. We advise you to read: