How do you want our family life to belike a fairy tale, which would sound classical "and they lived happily ever after!" Unfortunately, this almost does not happen, although I do not want to believe that this story will soon be about us. Have not you recently, on numerous warnings from friends and family, dismissed the words: "Everything will be different with me!"? And here you are sitting opposite to the husband, and he does not cause you anything but irritation. Common situation? Then read our article to find out all about the crises of the family.
The causes of the crisis in the family
In general, it is necessary to decide what is understoodunder the word "crisis". For many of us, it has a completely unambiguous negative connotation, but psychologists do not always agree with this. Crisis is a turning point, a turning point in which the old ways of existence no longer "work." As a rule, the result of the crisis is the invention of something new, for example, the acquisition of a new model of behavior or a change in the worldview. All these things are called "normative crisis", that is, they are a variant of the norm or even a direct indicator of it. At the heart of such family crises are, as a rule, restructuring in the family system: the creation of a new cell in society, the birth of a child, going to school, the birth of a second child, and so on-all those things that almost every one of us will go through. Unfortunately, it does not become easier to live and survive the crisis. What can I say about the reasons that have nothing to do with the normal course of events! These include everything that becomes stress for the family, but does not have as its goal the transfer of the existence of the family system to a new level. What kind of events can this be?
Signs of the crisis in the family
So it turned out that living with another personis not easy. The need to adjust, take into account his opinion, make concessions and periodically forget about his own comfort and desires - all this quite naturally causes periodic cooling in family relations. However, the question arises: how to distinguish between a temporary spat and a real family crisis? There are a number of signs that will help you navigate in this moment. On the foreground, as a rule, comes the fact that almost all the words and deeds of a partner begin to cause a strong sense of irritation in you. At the level of consciousness, this is manifested in the fact that he "just infuriates, that's all!". Irritated by his actions, words, manner of speaking, gestures and other trivia that are somehow connected with a partner. Sometimes it comes to outbursts of anger and anger, which, of course, does not improve family relationships. Another manifestation of the family crisis is the fact that you and your husband stop hearing and understanding each other's feelings. He tells you about Thomas, and you tell him about Erem. So there is a vicious circle of mutual claims: it is important for you to inform your husband that you do not have enough attention, and he is trying to make you understand that he is tired of daily "brain-pulling". The gap between you becomes wider and wider, and now you are locked only in your own claims and right. There is no desire to share with each other sorrows and joys, which is important in marriage, because after the wedding, it is the husband who begins to play the most important role in the life of a person. By the way, one of the partners, as a rule, it seems that it is he who invests more in your marriage, and sometimes both husband and wife think so. Naturally, against the background of all this you have reduced or even completely lost the desire for sexual intimacy. Of course, what kind of sex can there be when it seems to you that you hate each other! It is no accident that intimate life is the most real barometer of family relations, because it demonstrates how close the couple is in the strict sense of the word. With this, the fact is connected that the partners stop following each other and do not try to please each other anymore. The result of all this is a constant quarrel. Spouses are unable to come to an agreement on at least one more or less significant problem: which movie to watch tonight or who will bathe the child. Particularly "productive" for quarrels are questions related to upbringing and caring for children. All this is due to the fact that everyone has his own idea of how everything should be, and he does not want to yield to a partner for a millimeter. "In war as in war," you say, and are preparing for another battle for "your territory."
What are the crises in family relations?
As we have already said, there are many differentcrises of the family. Someone thinks that they come at almost the same time in different pairs, but this is not entirely true. It happens that the couple live together for a long time, and quite suddenly they have the so-called "crisis of the first year of living together." Therefore, we simply tell you about the types of crises in the family and indicate their approximate time frame. The very first of the crises in the family is the crisis of the first year of life together. Its essence lies in the fact that you start living together and encounter a difference in your ideas about everything. By the way, even if you lived together before the wedding, it's not a fact that you will avoid it, because it's one thing to just be close, and quite another is to be bound by marriage, which, in fact, is forever. Then there is the idea that what you were ready to put up with earlier, as a wife, you are categorically not happy. And the same thing happens to your husband. For example, you think that the spouses should spend all their free time together, and your partner does not agree with this. Here there is a need to agree and establish norms and rules of cohabitation, otherwise you will skip to endless claims to each other. If you have successfully survived the first of the crises in the family, it is often followed by another, namely, the crisis associated with the birth of a child. This is generally one of the most difficult (and, at the same time, joyful) moments in the life of the spouses, because everything changes from the device of the family system (you were two and you were the couple, and now there is a third one, which creates a child- parent subsystem) and ending with a way of life in all details. You have a new item on the list of family troubles - caring for the baby, - and you need to distribute it somehow. Now it becomes much more difficult to pay attention to each other, and there is no time for sex - to have a good night's sleep! Fatigue and irritation are accumulated and poured into a real family crisis. Another crisis related to children is the birth of the second child. First, the increased workload falls on the shoulders of the spouses - they have to take care of both the elder and the newborn baby, and this, as is known, besides the joy, is very tiring. And the children themselves do not add tranquility: the first child often has a complex of "overthrown monarch", and it seems to him that now he is loved less, and all care goes to the baby. The family will have to endure another test, and parents will share their love and attention equally between the children, which is a very difficult task. Hiking a child in the first class is also one of the types of family crisis. In this case, there is a kind of check of parents, and of the whole system, on effectiveness: in school they assess what the child has learned and how he can manage the school curriculum. If the child has problems at the end of the first year of education, then, as a rule, it serves as a signal that there is something wrong in the family. And even if everything is normal, this period is a double burden on all its members: everyone must adapt to new conditions together, parents should help the child and control him, and the child should study well. In addition, this is the first reminder that someday children will leave their parents' nest and they will remain alone. All this together creates a very tense atmosphere in the family. At one of the stages of family life, a crisis occurs that is not associated with children, and this is a crisis of monotony. The couple has been together for a long time, and the former passion is slowly on the wane. There are very few new sensations, and each of the spouses yearns for them. It would seem - rejoice, because all family responsibilities are distributed, life is adjusted, children are found in the system - but no! Ordinance and stability mean a new crisis stage in the development of the family, and you have to overcome this dislike for routine together. The crisis of adolescence is usually a crisis for the whole family as a whole, because a growing adolescent is not a spectacle for the faint of heart. He needs freedom and independence, but really he can not do anything, because of what is very angry and conflicting with his parents. Those, in turn, are very worried about the growing child, they try to teach him intelligence and a little sadness, because soon he will become absolutely adult, and, therefore, the next crisis will come. Abroad, it is customary to call it "syndrome of a deserted nest". It is connected with the fact that adult children leave the parents' family, and the elderly spouses remain one on one with each other. And if they have not managed to save time and space for intimacy during long years of life together, they will face an unpleasant surprise, namely, finding themselves alone with a person who seems alien and boring. This is one of the most difficult crises - it is for this period that many divorces occur, when the couple realizes that they have nothing in common anymore, and everyone is taking anew to look for themselves. Although it is possible to find a common language, of course, because you are so connected - but difficult.
How to survive the crisis of the family?
Remember that the output can be found almost fromany difficult situation. The crisis of the family is no exception. Of course, when you are in it, it seems to you that everything is hopeless, but it is necessary to go beyond the situation and try to take it a little abstractly, as you will become much easier. And, by the way, the victim's position is the least pleasant, and the position of the person responsible for what is happening (at least part of it) is the most positive. If at some point you become very hard, you can always resort to the help of a family counselor psychologist - he is able to help couples solve the most difficult problems. Finally, I want to say that love will win everything, and if you have it, then to you, by and large, nothing is scary. We advise you to read: