How I wish our family life wassounds like a fairy tale, in which the classic “and they lived happily ever after” would sound! Unfortunately, this almost never happens, although we really don’t want to believe that this story will soon be about us. Didn’t you just recently brush off numerous warnings from friends and family with the words: “Everything will be different for me!”? And now you’re sitting opposite your husband, and he causes you nothing but irritation. Sound familiar? Then read our article to learn all about family crises.

The causes of the crisis in the family

In general, it is worth deciding whatis understood by the word "crisis". For many of us it has a completely unambiguous negative connotation, but psychologists do not always agree with this. Crisis is a turning point, a turning point, in which old ways of existence "do not work" anymore. As a rule, the result of a crisis is the invention of something new, for example, the acquisition of a new model of behavior or a change in worldview. All these things are usually called a "normative crisis", that is, they are a variant of the norm or even a direct indicator of it. Such family crises are usually based on restructuring in the family system: the creation of a new social unit, the birth of a child, his going to school, the birth of a second child, and so on - all those things that almost each of us will go through. Unfortunately, this does not make it easier to live and survive the crisis. What can we say about the reasons that have nothing to do with the normal development of events! These include everything that becomes stressful for the family, but does not have the goal of transferring the existence of the family system to a new level. What kind of events could these be?

Cheating by one of the spouses is the most commona reason for a family crisis. Unfortunately, our world is arranged in such a way that one of the partners often lacks something in marriage: sex, attention, love, care, power, etc. ... And he or she tries to get this something outside the family relationship. But, like any interference in the family system, it does not go unnoticed: even if no one found out about the betrayal, it still affects the general climate. The one who cheated becomes more guilty and attentive, and the one who was cheated on senses some kind of catch and reacts accordingly. All this leads to a crisis in the family.

Fluctuations in income levels It is no secret thatthat a favorable financial situation is very important for maintaining peace in the family. The lack of stability in this matter knocks the ground out from under almost everyone's feet, and it does not matter why it happened - the husband was fired from work or the needs of other family members increased. In any case, a lack of money or the emergence of disagreements can initiate a crisis and even in some cases put an end to family relationships.

Long-term or severe illness of one of the membersfamily can be a serious test for everyone else (and for the patient himself too). This is due to the change in many family parameters: family rules, routines and traditions, family norms and lifestyle. Healthy household members are forced to care for the patient, which greatly upsets them and imposes restrictions, and makes him feel guilty. Naturally, such an environment does not make the psychological climate in the family healthier.

Expanding or shrinking the family We have already talked aboutabove about similar cases when a normative crisis occurs, for example, the birth of a child or the death of one of the spouses. However, this may be an expected and predictable event, or it may be something out of the ordinary - for example, a sudden move of a grandmother. In any case, it has a very strong impact on the family and can cause a crisis in family relationships, since the boundaries, composition and norms of life within the system change. You need to get used to all this, and not everyone will like all these changes.

Drastic changes in the lifestyle of the K familyFor example, mom can go on a diet and start switching everyone else to healthy eating. Or dad suddenly decides to take up sports and start taking the family to the gym twice a week. All this can cause anger and misunderstanding on the part of other family members, as can any other sudden but noticeable changes. Each of us eventually gets used to living the way we are comfortable and like, and the need to change our lifestyle irritates any ordinary person.

Signs of the crisis in the family

It just so happened that I had to live with another personIt is not easy at all. The need to adapt, take into account his opinion, make concessions and periodically forget about your own convenience and desires - all this quite naturally causes a periodic cooling in family relationships. However, the question arises: how to distinguish a temporary quarrel from a real family crisis? There are a number of signs that will help you navigate this moment. As a rule, the fact that almost all words and actions of your partner begin to cause a strong feeling of irritation in you comes to the forefront. At the conscious level, this is manifested in the fact that he “just pisses me off, that's all!” Irritates his actions, words, manner of speaking, gestures and other little things that are somehow connected with your partner. Sometimes this leads to outbursts of anger and rage, which, of course, does not improve family relationships. Another manifestation of a family crisis is the fact that you and your husband stop hearing and understanding each other's feelings. He tells you about Thomas, and you tell him about Yerema. This is how a vicious circle of mutual claims arises: it is important for you to convey to your husband that you lack attention, and he tries with all his might to make you understand that he is tired of the daily “brain drain”. The gap between you becomes wider and wider, and now you are locked exclusively in your own claims and rightness. All desire to share sorrows and joys with each other disappears, which is important in marriage, because after the wedding, it is the spouse who begins to play the role of the most important person in life. By the way, one of the partners, as a rule, thinks that he is the one who invests more in your marriage, and sometimes both the husband and wife think so. Naturally, against the background of all this, your desire for sexual intimacy decreases or even completely disappears. Of course, what kind of sex can we talk about when it seems to you that you hate each other! It is no coincidence that intimate life is a real barometer of family relationships, because it demonstrates how close the spouses are in the most literal sense of the word. This is also associated with the fact that partners stop watching each other and no longer try to please each other. The consequence of all this is constant quarrels. Spouses become unable to come to an agreement on at least one more or less significant issue: what movie to watch tonight or who will bathe the child. Issues related to raising and caring for children are especially “fruitful” for quarrels. All this is due to the fact that everyone has their own idea of ​​how everything should be, and they do not want to give in to their partner even a millimeter. “In war as in war,” you say and prepare for another battle for “your territory.”

What are the crises in family relations?

As we have already said, there are a lot of differentкризисов семьи. Кто-то считает, что они наступают практически в одно и то же время в разных парах, однако это не совсем так. Бывает, что супруги живут вместе довольно долго, и совершенно внезапно у них наступает так называемый “кризис первого года совместной жизни”. Поэтому мы просто расскажем вам о видах кризисов в семье и обозначим их приблизительные временные рамки. Самый первый из кризисов в семье — это кризис первого года совместной жизни. Его суть заключается в том, что вы начинаете жить вместе и сталкиваетесь с разницей в ваших представлениях обо всем. Кстати, даже если вы жили вместе до свадьбы, не факт, что вы избежите этого, ведь одно дело просто быть рядом, и совсем другое — быть связанными узами брака, которые, вообще-то, навсегда. Тут и появляется идея о том, что то, с чем вы готовы были мириться раньше, в роли жены вас категорически не устраивает. И то же самое происходит с вашим мужем. Например, вы считаете, что супруги должны все свободное время проводить вместе, а ваш партнер с этим не согласен. Здесь появляется необходимость договариваться и устанавливать нормы и правила совместного проживания, иначе вы скатитесь к бесконечным претензиям в адрес друг друга. Если вы благополучно пережили первый из кризисов в семье, то нередко за ним следует другой, а именно кризис, связанный с рождением ребенка. Это вообще один из самых непростых (и, в то же время, радостных) моментов в жизни супругов, ведь меняется абсолютно все, начиная с устройства семейной системы (вас было двое, и вы были супругами, а теперь появляется третий, который создает детско-родительскую подсистему) и заканчивая образом жизни во всех деталях. У вас появляется новый пункт в списке семейных хлопот — забота о малыше, — и его нужно как-то распределять. Теперь становится гораздо сложнее уделять внимание друг другу, да и на секс времени нет — выспаться бы! Усталость и раздражение накапливаются и выливаются в самый настоящий кризис семьи. Еще один кризис, связанный с детьми — это рождение второго ребенка. Во-первых, усиленная нагрузка падает на плечи супругов — им предстоит заботиться как о старшем, так и о новорожденном младенце, а это, как известно, помимо радости, очень утомляет. Да и сами дети не прибавляют спокойствия: у первого ребенка нередко возникает комплекс “свергнутого монарха”, и ему кажется, будто его теперь любят меньше, а вся забота достается малышу. Семье предстоит выдержать еще одно испытание, а родителям — поровну делить между детьми свои любовь и внимание, что оказывается весьма непростой задачей. Поход ребенка в первый класс — это тоже один из видов кризиса семьи. В этом случае происходит своеобразная проверка родителей, да и всей системы, на эффективность: в школе оценивают, чему научился ребенок и как у него получается справляться со школьной программой. Если у ребенка к концу первого года обучения появляются проблемы, то это, как правило, служит сигналом, что в семье что-то не в порядке. Да и даже если в ней все нормально, этот период — двойная нагрузка на всех ее членов: нужно всем вместе адаптироваться к новым условиям, родители должны помогать ребенку и контролировать его, а ребенок — хорошо учиться. Кроме того, это первое напоминание о том, что когда-нибудь дети покинут родительское гнездо и они останутся одни. Все вместе это создает весьма напряженную атмосферу в семье. На одной из этапов семейной жизни наступает кризис, не связанный с детьми, и это — кризис монотонности. Пара уже долгое время вместе, и былая страсть потихоньку идет на убыль. Новых ощущений очень мало, и каждый из супругов тоскует по ним. Казалось бы — радуйся, ведь все семейные обязанности распределены, быт налажен, детям найдено место в системе — но нет! Обыденность и стабильность означают новый кризисный этап в развитии семьи, и вам предстоит всем вместе преодолеть эту нелюбовь к рутине. Кризис подросткового возраста обычно является кризисом и для всей семьи в целом, ведь взрослеющий подросток — это зрелище не для слабонервных. Ему нужны свобода и независимость, но толком он ничего сделать не может, из-за чего очень злится и конфликтует с родителями. Те, в свою очередь, сильно переживают за растущего ребенка, пытаются научить его уму разуму и немного грустят, ведь скоро он станет совсем взрослым, а, значит, наступит следующий кризис. За рубежом его принято называть “синдром опустевшего гнезда”. Он связан с тем, что взрослые дети покидают родительскую семью, и пожилые супруги остаются один на один друг с другом. И если у них на протяжении долгих лет совместной жизни не получалось сохранять время и пространство для близости, то их ожидает неприятный сюрприз, а именно нахождение наедине с человеком, который кажется чужим и скучным. Это один из самых тяжелых кризисов — именно на этот период приходится множество разводов, когда пара понимает, что у них нет ничего общего больше, и каждый принимается заново искать себя. Хотя найти общий язык, конечно, можно — ведь вас столько связывает — но сложно.

How to survive the crisis of the family?

Realize that you are in a crisis -the first thing to do Once you understand this, life will immediately become easier. This idea can also be described as “transition to martial law.” You immediately become active, stop feeling like victims, and start looking for a way out of the current situation.

Talk The worst thing you can do- this is silently accumulating irritation and anger. Sooner or later they will break through into negative words or actions, and then the hole in the dam will no longer be repaired. Therefore, in any crisis, you need to talk: discuss the problem that has arisen, what feelings it evokes in all family members, what each of them would like and what needs to be done for this.

Compromise More likely to pleaseabsolutely not everyone will succeed, especially if each family member has their own idea of ​​the ideal layout. Therefore, each of you will have to give in to something and listen to your partner. It is better to do this in the least important moment for you and ask the other person to give in to something more important to you personally.

Set Family Rules These rules will betouch upon all difficult situations and regulate the behavior of each family member in them. Then there will be no more questions about why something happens this way and not otherwise, and everyone will know how they need to behave so as not to hurt the feelings of the other. By the way, this especially concerns the establishment of boundaries within the family: to what extent can parents interfere in the personal lives of their children, each other, etc. …

Know how to forgive and forget If you saveeach other's grievances and mistakes, it will not end well. And vice versa - the ability to forgive can provide you with many years of happy family life. Each of us can make a mistake, and we must leave this right to our closest and dearest.

Down with templates!Any woman most likely has a picture in her head of how everything should be in family relationships: an ideal job, husband, children, family. But it is very likely that reality deviates quite a lot from this picture, and this is natural, because it is very complex and multidimensional. And if you cling to your patterns, and most importantly - try to squeeze others into these frames, then it will be painful and difficult for everyone. Therefore, if you do not want quarrels and scandals, you should give up your own picture and try to draw a joint one - what if you like it even more?

Listen to yourself There should be a balance in the family:everyone contributes equally and gets the same amount. And if the whole system revolves around one person - for example, a husband and father - then all the other members have a very hard time. It is worth listening to yourself and sometimes implementing in life what you want, but the rest of your family can do the same.

Remember the good If things get really bad andyou feel like there is nothing good left between you, then try to extract such facts from the past. Surely there were a lot of good and bright things between you and your husband: walks under the moon, searching for strawberries at three in the morning, giving birth together and much more. Try to regularly remember at least a few of these things, and it will become much easier for you to understand and forgive your spouse.

Remember that the exit can be found from almost anywhereany difficult situation. A family crisis is no exception. Of course, when you are in it, it seems to you that everything is hopeless, but it is worth going beyond the situation and trying to treat it somewhat abstractly, as it will become much easier for you. And, by the way, the least pleasant position is that of a victim, and the most positive is the position of one who is responsible for what is happening (at least part of it). If at some point it becomes really hard for you, you can always resort to the help of a family psychologist-consultant - he is able to help couples resolve the most difficult problems. Finally, I would like to say that love will conquer everything, and if you have it, then, by and large, you are not afraid of anything. We recommend reading:

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