The birth of the first child in most families is especiallynot planned - when it works out, then it will work out. The circle of life is tightening - study, work, buying a home. But every now and then, friends will ask jokingly - like, when will the second one appear? Or even worse - relatives will start to press. For some time, the young parents just joke, without really thinking about this question. But when a married couple decides that a second child is coming, a very pressing question arises - what should be the ideal age difference between children? And this is a very reasonable question, because two children are a responsible matter and must be approached seriously. And since no two families are the same, there can be no universal advice regarding the difference in their ages either. Therefore, you will have to make the decision yourself, and we will only tell you what to expect in this or that case.
The difference is about two years
Such mothers who gave birth to a second baby soonafter the first one, cause very mixed emotions in those around them. Some look with admiration and even envy - they say, "she shot quickly", some - with bewilderment and pity - they say, she took on an unbearable burden, she herself will bite her elbows. But, as they say, the dog barks, but the caravan moves on - more and more new families decide to have a second baby before they blow out a single candle on the birthday cake of their firstborn. So, what can families expect, in which the difference between children is no more than two years?
- Pros of the situation
One of the biggest advantages is that youreally "shoot back" quickly - in a short period of time you will go through the infancy stage of not one, but two babies at once. And after a short time you will become a happy young mother of two more or less independent children. This means that you will be able to devote a little more time to yourself, your spouse, your career, after all, while your peers will be surrounded by diapers and bottles intended for their second baby. Pregnancy is quite a strong stress for both the body and the psyche of a woman, although, of course, positive in most cases. Therefore, if the second pregnancy occurs soon after the first, a woman will not be horrified by stains in the chest area on her nightgown, constant visits to the toilet, toxicosis, clumsiness, etc. - the memories are too fresh and the woman perceives everything that happens to her as a given. When you bathe your baby or prepare his first complementary food, you are absolutely sure that this knowledge and skills will stay with you for the rest of your life. But this is only half true - very soon some of the skills for caring for a baby will be lost. And if the difference between the children is large enough, you will have to learn a lot again, as if for the first time. Child psychologists believe - and parents, by the way, confirm - with a small difference between children, the family is unlikely to have to face such an acute problem as childhood jealousy. At first, the older child will perceive the younger one as just a living doll, nothing more - until the baby grows up a little. Well, and then the older one will not even remember that there was once a time when he was the only favorite of his parents. Although, of course, this is not a reason to deprive the older one of attention and love! In addition, one cannot fail to mention the material side of the issue. As practice shows, it is much easier for parents of children close in age - they are left with a stroller, a crib, and numerous clothes, shoes, toys, pacifiers and bottles that have not yet lost their presentable appearance, have not gone out of fashion and have not been given away to acquaintances and friends. Believe me, this may only seem like a trifle at first glance. In fact, a huge amount is saved, which you can spend more rationally. In our time, when free clubs and sections have sunk into oblivion along with the Palaces of Pioneers, and teachers - enthusiasts, "pulling up" lagging children at the behest of their hearts and on a voluntary basis, have remained only in the memory of the older generation, children's education has become a separate, very, very significant item of expenditure. And for parents of children close in age, this item is significantly lower, which is not surprising. Firstly, many clubs offer a significant discount for brothers and sisters, and secondly, a tutor can work with both children at once. After all, the program will not differ very significantly, and the same clubs and sections will be interesting to both. However, if the difference is big, this will definitely not work. In addition, your children will be able to entertain each other perfectly - common games will be the order of the day. And this fact also makes life much easier for parents, freeing up at least a little free time for them.
- The disadvantages of the situation
However, there is no coin with only one side.— there is always another. For example, the physical condition of the mother. Pregnancy is a difficult job, to perform which the body throws all its internal resources. And it is quite natural that after the birth of a child, it needs a certain time for a full recovery - normalization of hormonal levels, replenishment of vitamins, minerals, etc. Doctors recommend planning your second pregnancy at least two years after the date of the first birth. The psychological state of a woman also requires special attention. A small child requires maximum attention, care - in a word, complete dedication. Plus sleepless nights, days full of troubles - all this can sooner or later tire anyone. Fortunately, nature is very smart and the mother turns on some kind of internal reserve, which allows her to cope with everything perfectly. And in the event that the second child is born immediately after the first, this stressful period increases. Therefore, without the help of family and friends, a woman will have a hard time. But with this very help there can be serious problems. No, of course, grandmothers will always come to the rescue. But a young happy dad may not respond. Very often we, women, forget that men also have a hard time during this period and they are very tired, including psychologically. And if we, the fairer sex, grit our teeth and move forward, most men "fold" their paws and become despondent. Moreover, intimate life during this period often leaves much to be desired... And you don't even want to think about sex, but a man wants sex, and with the same regularity! So there is a fairly high risk that in addition to the two children you already have, you will also get a third adult child who will be capricious and throw tantrums. And what's most offensive is that he will be absolutely sure that he is right! And here everything depends on the woman and only on her. If she is rightly indignant and tells her husband everything she thinks - scandals in the family cannot be avoided. So it is much wiser to try to smooth out all the rough edges and let your husband know that you still love him and value your relationship. And this will also require a lot of mental strength from you, which is already running out. But if there is a desire, then practically nothing is impossible.
The difference in age from two to four years
The most common age differencechildren - 2-4 years old. Moreover - this is the age difference that many parents consider ideal. But is it really so? Let's figure it out together.
- Positive sides
One of the most important positive aspectsyou can consider the physical condition of the woman. In two years, the female body has time to fully recover from pregnancy and childbirth, so during the second pregnancy, the likelihood of any problems is minimal. Especially if during the first birth the woman had perineal ruptures or, even more so, the baby was born by cesarean section. In addition, the woman will have time to rest a little, because sleepless nights are already behind, and most likely, you have already stopped breastfeeding. In a word, the worries typical for the mother of a nursing baby are behind and the woman has time to rest from them before the second baby is born and everything starts again. Again, we cannot fail to mention the skills of caring for a newborn and a nursing baby - they are not yet lost and you will not be confused when the time comes for the first bath of the baby and you will know exactly why your baby cries in the evenings. And most importantly, you have already managed to get your own bumps and are unlikely to make mistakes in caring for the second baby. Children with such an age difference can still play together, as their interests will not differ radically. But at the same time, the mother has time for each child separately - for example, while the older child draws or watches cartoons, you can bathe and/or feed the baby, and when the baby sleeps, you will have the opportunity to spend time alone with the older one.
- Negative sides
There are negative aspects to such an age difference.children do not have many, but they exist. Firstly, it is the moral state of the woman. She has just had the opportunity to rest a little and pay at least a little attention to herself, and then everything starts all over again - diapers, feeding, sleepless nights. Of course, a lot depends on the specific woman - some perceive these concerns with genuine joy. However, psychologists say that in most cases it is not easy for a woman to once again immerse herself in caring for a baby. Secondly, the problem of childhood jealousy is very acute. It is in those cases when the difference between the older and younger child is from two to four years that the overwhelming majority of all cases of childhood jealousy occur. And very often this jealousy is practically uncontrollable and unmanageable. Parents will have to put in a lot of effort and tact to smooth out the rough edges. Otherwise, family life will very quickly turn into sheer hell - the younger one will get it from the older one, the older one from the parents, dad and mom will start arguing with each other. And this will continue for a very long time, until the children grow up. By the way, there is a very developed sense of rivalry between such brothers and sisters, and it often lasts a lifetime. And we are not talking about healthy competition, which is only beneficial - one child will "put a spoke in the wheel" of the second in every available way, so that the parents are convinced that he is the best. And if in childhood this is shifting the blame for a broken cup or a ruined carpet to a brother or sister, then at an older age much more "dirty" methods can be used. Although, of course, this is the most extreme case and it does not happen often, it is necessary to always remember about this possibility. In addition, such an age difference between children does not have the most favorable effect on a woman's career. Maternity leave does not delight any employer. What can we say about maternity leave, which immediately follows the previous one? And a woman inevitably loses her qualifications - to one degree or another. Although, of course, if family and children are much more important to a woman than a career, they do not even think about this nuance. Moreover, if you want, you can restore any qualification and even improve it - fortunately, modern information technologies make this possible. For example, turn on your computer and go to a thematic forum, and not to the usual contact. In fairness, it should be noted that many women use such a prolonged double maternity leave as an additional opportunity for self-development - they improve their existing skills, study foreign languages, and sometimes even radically change their field of activity - find a remote job or open their own business. In a word, everything depends only on your desire.
The difference in age from five to seven years
Some families prefer to wait a little andhave a second child only when the older one grows up - in 5-7 years. Child psychologists unanimously claim that such a difference is not very desirable. But it can't be that bad, can it? Let's look for positive aspects.
- Positive sides
The most significant advantage of this difference isage between children is the fact that the older child no longer requires a huge amount of attention from the parents. He can play with toys, watch TV. Moreover - the child is already quite capable of understanding why sometimes it is impossible to make noise, is able to help you at least with elementary things - bring a clean diaper, give the baby a pacifier, play with him. It would seem a trifle, but often it makes the life of the expectant mother much easier. In addition, it is much less likely that parents will encounter children's jealousy, because the older child already understands that the small child gets much more attention not because he is loved more, but because he requires more care. Although, of course, depriving the older child of attention is unacceptable, otherwise hostility towards the younger will arise on a subconscious level. From the outside, everything may look fine and the parents will have no idea that in the soul of the older child there is confusion. And such hidden jealousy poses a serious threat to the psychological state of the child. So is it worth allowing this to happen?
- Negative sides
Strictly speaking, the negative side is onlyone, but very important - preparation for school and first grade. This period is very important for every child and parents should pay a lot of attention to it - school preparation centers, speech therapists, developmental classes, first grade. And all this time, parents should be with the child. And all this takes a huge amount of time. Which, in the event that a younger child is born, will be very, very little. Of course, responsible conscientious mothers will try to do everything - and give the older child the necessary amount of attention, and, naturally, take proper care of the younger one. But just imagine how much effort this will cost you!
The difference between children in 8-10 years and more
If the second child is so-called “late”, the situation is radically different from all the previous ones:
- Positive sides
If the children have a very big difference, there is no questionThere can be no talk of jealousy - the older child is already well aware that the appearance of the baby can in no way affect the relationship with the parents. Although, of course, this does not mean that you should completely and entirely leave the child to yourself - at least minimal attention from parents is necessary for the older one. In addition, an adult child is a full-fledged assistant who can go to the store, fry eggs, and wash children's clothes. But parents should remember that there is a very fine line here - the older son or daughter should never be turned into a nanny for the younger one! Help is help, but do not abuse it - after all, you gave birth to the younger child for yourself, right? Do not deprive your older child of childhood. Another very positive point is the authority of the older brother or sister. Simply put, in most cases, if the age difference between children is large, the older brother or sister is not only a role model for the younger ones, but also an unquestionable authority, an idol, if you like. And if the younger child can ignore the opinion of the parents, the opinion of the older brother or sister is always taken into account. To some extent, they replace the parents for the younger ones. Which, however, cannot but please, because we are all, alas, mortal, no matter how sad it is to admit it. And if something happens, your youngest will always have protection and support in life, and the older one - a dear and close person. It is impossible not to mention the baby's dad. As a rule, an adult man is already more responsible for the birth of his heir or heiress - you can be sure that you can expect comprehensive help from your husband. And the younger child will receive much more paternal attention than the eldest in his time.
- Negative sides
There are no negative aspects to this difference betweenThere are not so many of them, but they exist and almost all of them are related to the age of the parents. As you understand, pregnancy at 2 years and pregnancy at 30-35 years are two big differences. A woman should be prepared for the fact that pregnancy will be much more difficult than the first time - a gynecologist will become your best friend. And during childbirth it will not be easy, because the body has already completely forgotten what it is - the birth of a child. Moreover - if the age difference between children exceeds 10 years, doctors equate the woman with primiparous. Medical statistics clearly indicate that about half of all late pregnancies end in cesarean section. Which, however, is not surprising - no matter how sad it is to admit it, but every year we are not getting younger, and most often we also acquire chronic diseases. But, of course, this is not a reason to give up the idea of becoming parents again, you just need to approach this more responsibly. Start preparing for pregnancy in advance - together with your husband, go to a consultation with a geneticist, therapist. Get yourself thoroughly examined, including by a gynecologist, and only when you are sure that everything is in order, get pregnant. As you can see, it is very difficult to say for sure what the optimal age difference between the older and younger child should be - it depends on a huge number of factors in each specific family. Therefore, you and only you will have to decide. The main thing when making a decision is to remember that the baby should in no way be entertainment for the older child, and the older child should not become a nanny for the younger. After all, what is the most important thing? The most important thing is that both children feel loved and comfortable in the family.
