How to avoid quarrels with a guy?

- You're a bad cook!— And you don't give me flowers at all! — You don't deserve them! — You don't love me! And off we go! Sound familiar? Your grievances against each other are like lightning bolts fired at your opponent. And here you are, mortally offended, sitting in different corners of the apartment and not talking to each other. Is it enough? You don't want to argue with your loved one anymore? Then our practical guide on how to avoid quarrels with your boyfriend is just for you!

Causes of quarrels and methods for their elimination

A quarrel with a loved one is completely differentfrom a quarrel with a friend or colleague. This is an armed conflict, complicated by the heavy artillery of your feelings for each other. It is quarrels with a boyfriend that hurt us the most, because the offender here is one of the closest and most beloved people in the world. What are the most common reasons for these conflicts? And how to avoid a conflict with a guy for these reasons?

Different understanding of the meaning of words.Let's explain with an example: for you, the word "kind" means sympathetic, benevolent, ready to help, etc., but for your boyfriend - weak and following the lead of others. Therefore, when you tell him that he is kind, he gets offended at you because he thinks that you called him weak. In order to avoid such quarrels, always very clearly explain the meaning of certain concepts for you. Do not forget that we all grew up in different conditions.
Misunderstanding due to various inaccuracies. An example of such quarrels may be conflicts due to the fact that someone heard something. Or when you did not say something, but had it in mind (the latter is particularly annoying for our men). The medicine is one thing: to wash your ears in the morning, to hear well, and always say everything in detail and clearly. And then you never know what you can think of!
Manner of communication.For example, you speak loudly in life. And your boyfriend grew up in a family where everyone speaks quietly, and raising your voice is considered a sign of anger and aggression. Therefore, every time you ask him for something, a quarrel begins, because he perceives everything as a complaint. Try to observe what features of your partner you have such a heightened reaction to, and what features of yours - he does. You can even conduct an experiment: speak with different volumes and intonations and track what emotions arise in you and your boyfriend.
Different needs.You and your man have different desires (you probably know this without us). For example, the need for sex. As a rule, men need more sex than women, although sometimes it is the other way around (if you and your boyfriend have the same need for lovemaking - congratulations!). The same situation with the intensity of communication, only in this case the need to be together is usually higher in women. And it is the woman who is more often offended by the man; for her, the fact that he does not want to be with her twenty-four hours a day means that he does not love her. And this is not true! He just needs less communication. There is only one way out of this situation - take into account each other's needs and desires, accept them. And do not see in them any secret signs and secret messages like "he does not love me", "he is using me", etc.
Different values.This is perhaps the most difficult option for a couple. Lovers should have the same outlook on life, and if they look in different directions, then with the departure of passion they will need different roads in life. For example, success and material well-being are very important to you, but not to your boyfriend. And you will constantly clash on this basis. Unfortunately, worldview is almost impossible to change, so if you have discovered cardinal differences in your values with your boyfriend, then you should think about the future of your relationship. And if the differences are insignificant, then this can even be a plus - you will successfully complement each other.
Different ideas about your life.These are not necessarily different values - just different visions of what a man and a woman should be and how they should spend time together. For example, your boyfriend believes that a woman should be soft and compliant, and you believe that you should be strong and independent. It is not surprising if you constantly quarrel, because he expects completely opposite behavior from you! If this is your case, then you need to discuss all disagreements and come to a compromise. In particular, when alone with him, you will be soft, and in public - strong and independent. The same applies to spending time: part of the time you spend the way he wants, and the other part - the way you want. And it will be great if you find a bunch of options that suit both of you.
Jealousy. It is at the top of the quarrel hit parade.It is necessary to understand what jealousy is based on - the low self-esteem of the jealous person or the free behavior of the one who is jealous. In the first case, in order to continue the relationship, the jealous person needs to understand himself, and in the second - to agree on some norms and frameworks in which both of you will be comfortable.
Failure to fulfill promises. Agree, it's very insulting when your guy does not do what he promised! And he feels the same way. The solution is one: do not promise what you are not going to do (for both parties) and try to do what you promised, at least in 99% of cases.
Disrespect to important things for other things. For example, you are a philologist, and your boyfriend considers all humanities to be unwanted idlers. And you become offended, because it seems to you that you are not appreciated. In order to avoid such situations, treat carefully to the views and interests of your boyfriend, no matter how stupid they did not seem to you. After all, this is your favorite person, and everything that concerns him is important!

General Tips for Conflict Prevention

So, now you understand how to avoid a quarrel withguy in some specific cases. However, your relationship is still far from ideal, and you want some more or less general recommendations that are applicable in all cases. Here they are, those very unnoticeable and effective techniques that will help you make quarrels and conflicts a long-forgotten milestone in your relationship.

I'm saying. The fact that the softness of speech is attached to the "I-sayings", did not read unless lazy. However, do not treat with contempt this fact, because it really works! Agree, "I'm hurt" sounds softer than "you insulted me." Try to talk about yourself and your feelings, and not blame the interlocutor, and your conversations will become more constructive.

Pause. The well-known TV commercial of law: when the situation is completely heated, you need to "pause and eat Twix". In other words, take a break in communication, wait for the most violent emotions and calmly continue the discussion of the problem.

Write letters to each other. Sometimes it is difficult to say some words. The written speech has a number of advantages: it has less emotion and more content (it's easier for men), plus there is no restraint and other personal barriers.

Talk a lot. This prevents the accumulation of irritation and allows us to better understand each other, because we are not telepathic and can not read other people's thoughts.

Agree with each other: look for common ground, compromise, or better yet, cooperate and gain mutual benefit and joy from resolving difficult situations.

And the most important general principle, without whichthere will never be peace between lovers - this is Respect. Respect your partner and listen to him, and it may turn out that he is not always talking nonsense, but sometimes says very sensible and interesting things. And then real spring will come to your relationship! We recommend reading: