What is it, your husband? Self-assured, authoritative head of the family who alone makes all the decisions: starting with how to plan a family budget, and ending with what dress you should wear for a New Year party? He often finds fault with you and children in small things, controls who you are friends with, how long you talk on the phone and how often you visit your parents? He demands unconditional submission and obedience, he believes that he never makes mistakes, and constantly imposes his point of view on all members of the family? He seldom is pleased with you and strictly pronounces for any miscalculation? We are very sorry, but it looks like you have a tyrant husband. Male tyranny is a common phenomenon in family life. If you look from the outside, this husband is impeccable. He earns well, the family lives in prosperity, he takes upon himself the decision of economic problems, and does not put them on the shoulders of his wife, in general, as they say, "behind him, like behind a stone wall." Actually this is not true. Or not at all.
Husbands-tyrants: who are they?
Psychologists believe that there are three groupshusbands-tyrants. The first group is men who seek to fully control the lives of all family members. They take decisions for themselves, for their spouse, and for their children. Everything is controlled and regulated: how the wife dresses, how much she returns from work, with whom the child is friends, what books he reads and so on. If one of the family tries to show independence or independence, the home despot is enraged. He can establish a whole system of punishments for disobedience: for example, to forbid his wife to use makeup if he thinks she has a suspiciously bright make-up, or to deprive the child of pocket money for having lingered with friends on the way home from school. Absolute control - only under such conditions the tyrant feels confident. To the same group can be attributed and husbands jealous who strictly monitor that their wives do not communicate with other men. They see the danger literally in everything: the wife has made a new hairstyle or put on a smart blouse - this is no accident, she certainly wants to like someone; going to a meeting of graduates - it is still unknown who she will meet there, maybe with her school love; someone mistook the number - this is not an accident, the phone call was intended for the wife. An elderly man or a young young man - a jealous person sees a threat in every male representative. The second group is psycho-emotional tyrants who enjoy the humiliation of their loved ones. They find fault with their wife and children for the most insignificant reasons. They feel "sick places" well and beat them straight. They criticize the education and intelligence of the wife, her appearance and taste, culinary talents and the ability to drive. Their children, as a rule, are "dunces and idlers", "ignorant and full of insignificance", of which "nothing good will grow." Such tyrants rarely require a real reason for criticism: they easily invent any pretexts. Living with a husband-critic is unbearable: any complexes and neuroses bloom on such soil with a violent color. The third group includes husbands who allow themselves to be assaulted against other family members. They do not see anything shameful for themselves to teach the mind-reason wife or children with the help of physical violence. Bumps, slaps, slaps, and sometimes even beatings are the means by which they maintain their authority in the family. If such a tyrant also abuses strong drinks, then he can completely lose control and become dangerous. The most surprising thing is that tyrannical husbands, as a rule, are not always as strong and confident in themselves as they look from the outside. The character of the tyrant husband is a combination of an inferiority complex, cowardice, narcissism and irresponsibility. Such a statement may seem paradoxical, after all, they are often successful, held people, confidently going up the career ladder, good specialists or managers. And nevertheless it is just like that. Only a person with low self-esteem will assert itself at the expense of the weak and dependent. Those who know their own worth do not need additional "power" proofs of their authority. A tyrant husband is a person who has shifted moral guidelines: he enjoys that which degrades human dignity and suppresses the will of people close to him.
Tyrants are not born ...
... but they become. Often the cause of tyranny lies in the childhood of a man. Models of behavior that we observe from early childhood, are firmly assimilated by our subconscious, and, having matured, we realize ourselves according to the scenario already known to us. So, most likely, one of the parents of the future family despot gave him an example of authoritarian behavior. Probably, his will was ruthlessly suppressed, and his desires were neglected. He was presented with inflated demands, his successes were not rejoiced and constantly compared with the achievements of his classmates, friends or relatives. As a result, a person with a well-developed inferiority complex grows up, unsure of himself and of what he does. Therefore, in order not to feel worse than other people, he starts (consciously or subconsciously) to belittle their dignity and talents, to limit their circle of communication, to strangle their will and independence and so on. He just feels safer to live. Another option, as the character of the future tyrant is formed, is as follows: the child in childhood was given only the minimum necessary dose of parental attention. In other words, the parents cared only that he was full, shod, dressed and physically healthy, forgetting about the needs of a different kind - mental. Such children lack basic: love, attention, sympathy, support. They have atrophied the ability to empathy - empathy, the ability to put themselves in the place of another person. Therefore, growing up, they express their care in the only way to which they are accustomed from an early age: they care about external well-being, not taking into account the feelings of people close to them. And then he marries, and from it turns out the husband-tyrant.
In the networks of her husband-tyrant
It is difficult to talk about a full-fledged family ifI have to live with my tyrant husband. Relations between spouses must be built on the basis of mutual love and respect. And now think about what respect can be discussed if a man does everything to make a woman fall into complete dependence on him, whether financial or emotional? For a tyrant husband, his wife is an empty place, a limp creature whose opinion should not be taken into account. He imposes his will on her, and she, in turn, must obey unquestioningly and resignedly. He plagues her with petty quibbles, holding in a state of perpetual nervous tension, because guessing what he wants to criticize is very difficult. He does not know what generosity and the right to mistake are. A tyrannical man loves to be admired, to catch every word of him and constantly tell him about his virtues. Living with him, it is impossible to remain yourself, to maintain the old circle of communication and interests. He absolutely can not stand the slightest manifestation of independence, because it seems to him that his credibility is being questioned. At the same time he reproaches his wife for the fact that without him he can not step and step, she is not able to make any decisions, she does not know how to live independently and in the same spirit. This is a real moral torture of another person. The monetary expenses of all members of the family are, as a rule, strictly controlled and subjected to scrupulous verification. In general, very often life with a tyrant husband resembles a barracks: any deviation from the rules and routines established by him is immediately suppressed. After several years of marriage with a tyrannical husband, a woman begins to feel like a butterfly caught in a spider's network, which gradually sucks out of it all the juices: the will to live, the capacity for independent judgment and the desire to struggle with total control. It gradually turns into a potential (or permanent) client of the neurosis clinic. Home arbitrariness, in the circumstances of which there is a family of a tyrant, has a detrimental effect on the psyche of children. They grow up either utterly weak-willed, inert and inertial, and subsequently become victims of people with a stronger character, or, seeing how their father does not penny their mother, begin to copy his behavior and gradually turn into exactly the same despots and critics. How do women get into the network of tyrants? Very simply: they fall in love with a man who confidently goes through life, well knows what he needs, and gives the impression of a reliable, responsible person. Typically, victims of tyrants are women with low self-esteem, not aware of their own merits, infantile, fearful of independence and suffering from the need to make decisions. They think that by marrying their chosen one, they will be insured against surprises, difficulties and problems, which are so rich in life. When, some time later, the character of the tyrant reveals itself in all its glory, such women refuse to believe in the obvious and can not decide to break off the relationship. They are looking for excuses for the tyrannical behavior of her husband in his workload at work, the accumulated fatigue after another force majeure, bad mood and other circumstances. If there is a child in the family, women suffer for him so that their son or daughter can live and grow in a full family. Some people think that they will be able to re-educate a tyrant husband. As a result, their marriage resembles a boat in the stormy sea, which is thrown from side to side: the wife then shows an angelic patience, obediently and uncomplainingly playing according to the rules established by her husband, then begins to behave in quite the opposite way, rebel and violate the prohibitions. Needless to say, this "family climate" does not benefit any of the household members? In general, the psychology of the relationship between the tyrant husband and the victim wife is very difficult. On the one hand, the restriction of the freedom of another person is violence against his will, on the other - often in such a perverted way a man expresses his attachment to his wife.
What if the husband is a tyrant?
In the Middle Ages, when a woman married, she becamefull property of the spouse. She was forbidden to have her property, her husband could exhaust her with hard work, beat, starve and so on. Fortunately, now is another time, and the woman has every right to live the life she chooses for herself, and to make her own decision on what to do if her husband is a tyrant. In our opinion, the most reasonable would be to leave. Do not waste time, strength, nerves, and by and large, and life on a relationship that little resembles normal. Conversations on souls, indulgence to whims and obedience will not help. It is not realistic to change a tyrant husband, it's impossible to live with him-this must be reconciled and start to systematically prepare a break. It seems to many that there is no way out of the situation, the woman feels bound to her arms and legs: she has had time to get used to making independent decisions, she is not oriented at all in life, she is afraid to stay without an apartment, work and means of subsistence, especially if she has to raise a child . She is frightened by the possibility that a child can become a bargaining chip in the relationship of the parents: suddenly her husband will take him away and forbid her to see her son or daughter? Such thoughts and feelings are quite understandable, because during a life with a domestic despot, women get used to behaving obediently, being in a position of dependence and submission. But here it is important to constantly repeat to yourself that there are no desperate situations - there are only unpleasant decisions. And if you think in advance how you can minimize the possible consequences of a break with your tyrant husband, deciding to divorce will become much easier. So, if you are ready to leave a despotic man, remember that the reward will be your peace and independence, as well as the opportunity to live as you want. Tell us about your decision to friends and family, ask them for support at least for the first time after the divorce. They can help you with housing, finance or work. By the way, very often a woman can not leave her husband-tyrant precisely because she did not work for a minute after the wedding or the birth of a child. It is quite logical that she is afraid that she has nothing to interest potential employers. Nevertheless, it is absolutely necessary to get a job: firstly, there will be own money, secondly, confidence will increase, thirdly, the circle of communication will expand and communication skills will be restored. And the first, and the second, and the third is very important. Own money means financial independence, adequate self-esteem will allow you to look more confidently into the future, and new acquaintances can help to improve life after a divorce. Contacts with the ex-husband should be reduced to nothing. Why do you once again suffer humiliation, listen to reproaches or even threats? You start a new life, so leave everything that was discomforting to you in the old, worried and depressed you. Tyrant was in control of you and your life during the marriage and can try to keep this control after the divorce. He is quite capable of playing, if necessary, the role of a sensible person and behaving calmly and judiciously. In the end, he will convince you that he does not experience any unkind feelings and that all his actions are dictated only by the desire to help you start a new life. But if you believe him, he will not give up easy living. You again run the risk of being in a closed circle, from which you barely escaped. If the husband beats you or the child, leave immediately, without losing a minute. Moreover, for physical and moral violence is provided for criminal liability, so be sure to contact law enforcement. Collect things and move to your parents or friends. It's dangerous to live with him, you do not need to pity him or justify his behavior with a senseless axiom "beats - means, likes." He does not love you or the child, but self-affirms at your expense. If you have absolutely no one to contact, call the crisis center. Employees of such organizations provide psychological and legal advice to people in difficult situations. Perhaps they will turn to the public for help, find temporary housing for you, assist in finding work. If you are still willing to fight to save your family, because you think that all is not lost for your relationship, we recommend that you seek advice from a family psychologist. Probably, you will find it unacceptable to take dirty linen out of your hut, but you will have to do it, since it is important for you to keep the family. Voluntarily the home dictator does not go to the psychologist, therefore the first step will have to be done by you. Talk to a specialist, think about how you can persuade your husband to attend counseling. Together you will be able to understand in which areas of family life you can count on changes for the better. A tyrant husband is not a sentence to himself. Starting from scratch can be scary. The gap can be painful. Seeking help from a psychologist may seem shameful. But these are the necessary measures if you want to calmly educate children, rejoice at every day and respect yourself, and not live behind a stone wall from constant nitpicking and humiliations, strict rules and senseless restrictions, jealousy and aggression.