Husband does not want a second child: possible causes of the problem

All men are different, so some of themjoyfully accept the news of impending fatherhood or plan it taking into account modern conditions, while others look for a reason to postpone this event or avoid it altogether. There is no clear answer to the question of what is the root of such different behavioral models. Upbringing, values instilled in the family, level of self-awareness, and so on have an effect. Whatever it is, but in the end it is we, women, who have to deal with the nuances that arise when wanting to have children. And often the wife has to show miracles of persuasion in order to persuade her husband to the need to acquire a new status for him as a father. You and your husband have an ideal relationship: he loves you, gives you gifts and protects you, you spend every vacation together, relaxing at sea or abroad. You are happy together and your life is overshadowed by only one thing - his unwillingness to have children. You are at a loss: why does he not want a child? Let's try to figure out for what reasons modern men are in no hurry to have offspring. There are several explanations why our husbands do not want, or, more precisely, do not dare to have their first child in the family.

First-born: why does the husband hesitate?

One of the reasons is psychologicalincompatibility. It is quite possible that your spouse, despite the complete idyll in bed, does not find other points of contact in the relationship with you. This situation is often found among couples who got married at a very young age and understood its essence incorrectly. They simply legalized their sexual life and completely forgot that a family is, first of all, a partnership in everything, and not just regular lovemaking. With certain efforts on the part of the newlyweds, the situation can be corrected if the marriage was based on sincere and warm feelings towards each other. If your union has a decent length of service, and your spouse is still not ready to replenish the family, there may be several reasons for this of a different nature. Firstly, a man, regardless of his age, be he 20, 30 or even 40 years old, is prone to remain a child himself, in need of affection, care and attention. Secondly, your husband may think that he is still too young and has not had enough fun, so he needs to live for himself for a while first. Thirdly, he may simply be afraid of responsibility. So, here are the main excuses that men make when trying to delay fatherhood.

Material unavailability

As a rule, this is the one that is mentioned more often.others. If the spouse is not ready to become a father, he will bring up a lot of arguments. Usually this can be uncertainty about the future, lack of an apartment, car or high-paying job. In most cases, all these are just words that hide the fear of future responsibility. After all, it is easier to say that there are simply no financial opportunities to have a child than to look for them.

Wife is not ready to become a mother

Some men may actually believe thatthat the wife is not yet ready to become a mother. However, in reality, they themselves are often not ready for fatherhood, and they lack the courage to admit it. But sometimes it happens that a woman's unwillingness to perform certain household duties and shifting the bulk of them onto her husband's shoulders is direct evidence for him that the wife is not able to cope with the child. Therefore, there is no reason for him to appear in the family.

The wife is unworthy to become the mother of his child

Of course, not every man will dare to voice itThis is a very strange opinion. As a rule, the reason for this is the reason why the man got married. Usually, representatives of the stronger sex marry either for love, or for convenience, or out of desperation. There are often cases when in a marriage, for selfish reasons, the appearance of offspring is not considered obligatory, and in some cases is even undesirable. How to awaken the paternal instinct in a man? If your spouse is not ready for fatherhood for material reasons, try to explain to him that there is never enough money, that the desired prosperity can be expected until old age. It is much more difficult to cope with the psychological unpreparedness of the spouse to become a father. Talk to your husband about his life priorities. If he believes that a child can interfere with his career, then convince him that the birth of a baby will not affect his career advancement in any way, because you will take on a significant part of the care. If your husband thinks that it is too early for you to have children, ask him a very reasonable question: "When do you think it is not too early?" Often, parents become ready to raise a baby after its birth. Therefore, you can safely use this argument for a difficult discussion with your husband. If your man's reasoning and behavior defy any common sense and logic, think carefully whether it is worth wasting your energy and nerves on creating a family nest with such a representative of the stronger sex.

Second child: why does not the husband want?

But it often happens that the birth of the first childfor a young family it becomes a matter of course. Most modern fathers are happy to see a son or daughter, enthusiastically rush to help their young wife, walk with a stroller on weekends and even replace her at night if the baby is capricious and does not allow her to rest. It would seem that the drawn picture is simply ideal. But time passes, the child grows up, and the woman is increasingly visited by the idea of giving birth to a brother or sister. You again look with affection at mothers with strollers, remember the indescribable feelings that you experienced while rocking a newborn in your arms, your state of pregnancy, when you were in endless harmony with the world and yourself, and the emotions that you experienced when you first saw the baby you gave birth to ... And you ask yourself: "Why not?" This means that the maternal instinct has spoken in you with renewed vigor. All that remains is to convince your spouse to make a second attempt to continue the family line. What difficulties await you, why do women often face a situation when the husband does not want a second child?

"We can not afford it!"

You are lucky if the first one in your family wasdaughter. Many representatives of the stronger sex, according to biological law, strive to leave behind strong male offspring, which is why they often insist on having another child in the hope that he will be a son. This does not mean that the birth of a second daughter will greatly disappoint your spouse and he will not love her, unless, of course, we are talking about a normal person with a healthy psyche. After all, he understands perfectly well that the sex of the future child cannot be “ordered”. Families where a boy is already growing up have the most problems associated with the birth of a second baby. But many women really want to have a daughter. But why does the husband say a firm “no”? Probably, in this case, the meaning of the well-known attitude comes into play: a man is supposed to “give birth” to a son, build a house and plant a tree. Since its first point is considered fulfilled, the head of the family tries to concentrate all his efforts on the implementation of the remaining two. And then the wife declares that she would like to become a mother again. And then the answer is the hackneyed phrase: "Honey, we can't afford it." Many women who have encountered exactly this argument have come out of the situation with honor and found the joy of motherhood again when they calmly and sensibly outlined to their spouse a picture of future expenses. Indeed, the appearance of another child in the family most often requires much smaller financial investments than was the case with the first child. As a rule, many items and things remain from the older child: a crib, playpen, stroller, clothes, shoes, and so on. Unless, of course, you still planned to become a mother again and prudently did not sell or give away all your dowry. Therefore, simply and clearly explain to your spouse your view of things. Perhaps your firm and reasoned position will make your husband think. It would also be a good idea to revive your shared memories of how many wonderful moments the birth of your first child, his first smile, babble, timid steps brought you both… Men are not without sentimentality, especially towards their own offspring. But think for yourself whether you can cope if, for example, you don’t have your own home, because constantly moving with two children is very difficult. Do you have your own apartment and a regular source of income? Give examples of families where two or three children are growing up, and the income is lower than what you have. It is quite possible that after some time your spouse will suggest: “Why don’t we try number two?”

"I do not want to change anything!"

It also happens that your first child took you awayboth of you have a lot of energy, for example, due to poor health. At some point, you grew apart, you haven’t vacationed together for a long time, and you were constantly faced with the problem of finding additional sources of income. Of course, as the child grew up, some issues were resolved, more freedom appeared, intimate relationships again began to bring joy to both of you, that is, a blessed period of peace came to the family. The spouse finally relaxed and began to enjoy communicating with the firstborn, that is, to fully enjoy the delights of fatherhood. And here you are with a desire to start all over again: sleepless nights, tears, fatigue, lack of time for yourself, and so on. It is easy to predict his reaction: “No, I'm not ready and that's it.” But wise women have the ability to persuade - use it and choose exactly those words that can make your spouse soften. For example, say that every child is different, and it is not at all necessary that the second baby will be as restless as the firstborn. Promise that you will not limit your husband in his freedom, of course, within reasonable limits. But before you say all this, consider whether you are ready for the fact that your spouse probably really will not be able to help with the same force due to the need to devote more time to work. He will certainly need rest, that is, most of the daily household chores will fall on your shoulders. Are you sure that your maternal instinct is stronger than the upcoming difficulties? Great, then convince your husband of this so that he believes you. If both you and your spouse have brothers or sisters with whom you have maintained warm relations, then this can also become a weighty argument in favor of having another child. Say, for example: “How I would like our child to have a close and dear person besides us!” But in no case resort to an ultimatum: “I’ll give birth and that’s it!” The consequences can be very unpleasant for you. And the child growing up in the family will become a witness to the quarrels.

"Deception is not a reason to become a father again!"

Now we come to the most dangerous reason,which a man does not want to become a father for the second time. It lies in lies. Yes, yes, often we, women, use all means to achieve what we want, and if persuasion does not help, then we try to get pregnant by deception. We lie that we have started or continue to take birth control pills, secretly visit a gynecologist in order to remove the IUD, and so on. Some particularly inventive ladies even puncture condoms. And in such cases, we are no longer talking about maternal instinct, but rather an attempt to bind your spouse more tightly to yourself with double paternity. But in doing so, you are pinning him to the wall, making it clear that your husband's opinion and desires are the last thing you care about. This is precisely why women who have become pregnant by deception are faced with a sharp "no" and a categorical demand to have an abortion, otherwise the spouse threatens to leave the family altogether. An absurd and tragic situation, you must agree. Therefore, you should not lie and use dishonest methods to have a child, because families with many children also break up. It is best if the man himself makes the decision to become a father for the second time (of course, not without your help). Turn the situation in such a way that he becomes the initiator of your new pregnancy, since, it turns out, he himself has long wanted another child. So the husband will feel like the real head of the family, thereby increasing his measure of responsibility to you and the children.

"I do not need surprises!"

But it is not very rare that the secondpregnancy occurs unexpectedly for both spouses. And if the woman most often experiences joy from this news, then the man is not so optimistic. Yes, it happens that in this case, without any apparent reason, he insists on an abortion. You are perplexed: you have an apartment, a car, the eldest child has already grown up, grandparents from both sides are rushing with the appearance of another baby, promising comprehensive assistance, and it seems there are no obstacles to replenishment in the family ... But the husband is in no way. What is hidden behind such behavior? Perhaps you have begun to quarrel more lately, the family has ceased to resemble a quiet haven, and he is simply afraid that with the appearance of another baby, everything will only get worse. There is only one way out - to improve relations with your spouse, and the sooner the better. Say "no" to scandals, surround your husband with attention and care, perhaps this way he will quickly come to terms with the fact of a new pregnancy. There are no particular difficulties in a prosperous family, the relationship is quite harmonious, and he still insists on an abortion, despite your persistent resistance? This is the most difficult moment, because the life of the future child and the very fact of marriage are at stake. In this case, only the woman will have to decide. And this should be approached with all responsibility. Of course, most often it happens that at first the negatively disposed spouse does not show any emotions in connection with his wife's repeated pregnancy, but over time he gradually gets used to this idea and rejoices with her at the first kicks of the baby in the mother's womb. And later, it is this child that evokes especially warm feelings from the father. But there are exceptions to the rule, when a man who does not want to become a father again threatens his wife with divorce if she does not agree to an abortion. If you are confident in your husband's feelings for you, then try to convince him of your own rightness. Insist that you cannot imagine how it is possible to kill the fruit of your mutual love, because it will be as similar to you or your spouse as the older child. Tell him about the complications that lie behind an abortion, that if later your husband changes his mind and asks to have a second baby, you may hear from the doctors: “No, unfortunately, this is no longer possible for you.” And no matter how much he wanted it then, there will be no child. Tell him that your husband’s stubbornness means to you only that he does not value your own life, not to mention the future baby. It is possible that such arguments will be able to influence your husband, and you will become happy parents for the second time. But something else may happen: the marriage will fall apart, and you will be left alone with two babies. Weigh all the possible consequences and wisely approach the solution to the dilemma “child or divorce”. Although there are frequent situations in which women who decided to have an abortion under the influence of their husbands eventually became the initiators of the divorce themselves. After all, the thought that at the most crucial moment their loved one betrayed them, putting his own interests first and sacrificing the health of his wife, is forever rooted in the subconscious.

"I already do not have much time!"

This is exactly what mature men think when they arenews of the upcoming opportunity to become a father for the second time falls upon them. It seems to them that there is no time for this. Such worries and hesitations are quite understandable and justified, because a child will require a lot of strength, both emotional and physical. The financial situation of the family is not the least important factor in this situation, because money is needed not only for the period of growing up of a son or daughter, but also for their education. And by that time, the father's age may become an obstacle to earnings. Men "over forty" are also concerned that the age difference with the future child will be very large, which will prevent the establishment of normal relations with him. How can you convince your husband to take a risk and once again experience the joy of fatherhood? First of all, talk to him about your own experiences: about how much you want to use your last chance at motherhood, about your love for the future baby. Do not be afraid to express the fears that often accompany pregnancy and childbirth at a later age. But emphasize that you are ready to take a risk for the opportunity to become a mother again, to watch your baby’s first steps again, to hear his babble, to take him to first grade… Give examples of famous people who were not afraid of fatherhood at a more than mature age. Be gentle and understanding, radiate confidence and peace, and it is quite possible that your determination and steadfastness will find a response in the heart of your spouse, and his “no” will turn into “let’s take a risk, darling”. In conclusion, I would like to note that planning this event helps to avoid most of the problems associated with the birth of another child in the family. Modern life is incredibly changeable, so do not be surprised at the indecision of most families in this matter. Adequate parents understand that the very fact of birth does not mean anything, because a child needs many things even when he becomes an adult. Often, just the desire to re-experience the happiness of motherhood or fatherhood is not enough, it is important to understand the full measure of responsibility that arises in connection with the appearance of children in the family. But at the same time, you shouldn't be too pessimistic, constantly tormented by doubts, because time is running out irretrievably, and missed opportunities can't be made up for. Therefore, dear readers, love your husbands and do everything necessary so that they see you as those very women who are simply obliged to give birth to a son or daughter for them. And not just one, but as many as you yourself want and can raise. We recommend reading: