How to live with my mother in law

Have you ever wondered whyвокруг столько негативных высказываний в адрес свекровей? Почему сложился именно такой стереотип: свекруха — первый враг невестке? Неужели в действительности матери наших мужей такие нетерпимые, злые и скандальные особы, которые любят своих сыновей настолько, чтобы видеть в каждой потенциальной невестке соперницу? Ведь именно «вооруженные» такими представлениями многие молодые женщины входят в семьи мужей, живут в них и через призму таких вот убеждений воспринимают все происходящие вокруг. Конечно, часты ситуации, когда отношения между свекровью и невесткой остаются напряженными, какие бы шаги к «потеплению» ни предпринимались со стороны последней. В этом нет ничего странного, ведь не существует универсальных рецептов, которые подходят всем без исключения. И свекрови иногда действительно бывают нетерпимыми, злыми и ревнивыми женщинами. Но это не означает, что именно вам достанется одна из таких, и поэтому незачем особо стараться и налаживать нормальные отношения. Нередко мама мужа изначально настроена против будущей невестки, думая, что девушка недостаточно сильно любит её сына. Ведь понятия о настоящей любви у всех различны. Жена может считать, что проявлением сильных чувств является ежедневный оральный секс и масса ласковых слов. А мать мужа уверена, что такой любви недостаточно, поэтому невестке нужно бросить работу и посвятить себя котлетам, стирке и глажке рубашек. Переубедить свекровь очень сложно, а вот обезоружить, признав её превосходство, можно. Достаточно сказать: «Ой, я ещё не такая опытная хозяйка! Научите меня, вы же всё делаете отлично!» А заодно и поинтересоваться рецептом любимых котлет мужа. Но не менее частым является и то обстоятельство, когда молодые жены сами провоцируют конфликтные ситуации и усиливают конфронтацию. Поэтому, если вы читаете эту статью и при этом вскоре вам предстоит жить в семье мужа, то в первую очередь избавляйтесь от навязанных обществом стереотипов и, главное, даже мысленно не позволяйте себе называть мать вашего будущего мужа свекрухой. Это слово заведомо несет сильную негативную окраску и вы, возможно сами того не желая, уже изначально настраиваете себя на плохие отношения. Конечно, никто не заставляет вас говорить «мама» — ограничьтесь обращением по имени и отчеству, но именно так называйте свою свекровь даже в собственных мыслях. Ответов на вопрос о том, как жить со свекровью, может быть несколько. И каждая молодая женщина находит для себя единственно возможный путь к сосуществованию. Но самым правильным из них является тот, в котором будет заключена примерно такая мысль: «Я очень хочу жить отдельно, но поскольку в настоящий момент это невозможно, то должна и могу сделать все для того, чтобы не разрушить свои отношения с любимым супругом, деля крышу с его родней». Именно в этом и заключается руководство к действию, ведь речь идет, в первую очередь, не о ваших свекрови и свекре, а о маме и папе вашего мужа. И часто счастливая семейная жизнь молодой пары во многом зависит от того, как именно — плохо или хорошо — складываются отношения между ними и родителями одного из супругов, если по ряду причин все живут под крышей общего дома. Поэтому те жены, которые по-настоящему любят своих мужей, прилагают максимум усилий, чтобы впоследствии иметь не злобных свекрух, а хотя бы доброжелательно настроенных свекровей.

Introduction

Often it is precisely from what impression youThe impression you make on your future husband's parents when you first meet them will determine whether you will be able to get along with your mother-in-law under the same roof if necessary. And not just to exist, but to run a joint household, raise children and at the same time maintain normal human relations, trying not to turn each other's lives and those around you into a field of incessant hostilities. Of course, meeting the parents of your future husband always brings some trepidation. Who knows how they will accept a potential daughter-in-law and whether they will resist their son's marriage? However, in reality, it is much easier to conquer them than it seems at first glance. To do this, you just need to be aware of some psychological tricks. Neuro-linguistic programming is based on the law of attraction of like to like. In other words, we subconsciously strive to get closer to people similar to us. Therefore, trying to win over your husband's parents, you need to find common ground with them. It could be a similar education, political views, passion for cars or cooking - anything, any thing, as long as the future mother-in-law and father-in-law could talk about it for hours. To do this, of course, you should find out as much about them as possible before the first meeting. And then steer the conversation in the right direction so that the guy's parents understand: this girl is one of them. For example, the mother and father of the future husband are ordinary people from the countryside, and if you demonstrate superiority with your whole appearance, endlessly repeating: "How good it is that I live in the city! I can't even imagine what to do in this wilderness!", then you will clearly set them against you. Believe me, the future mother-in-law will definitely find a moment to tell her son in private her sincere opinion about his bride. Therefore, remember that snobbery has never added advantages to anyone. In the same case, if it is not possible to find common ground, you need to try to copy their gestures, manner of communication and use the same vocabulary when talking to potential relatives. These tricks are quite simple, and any smart and observant girl can master them. And they have a very effective ability to very quickly win over your future mother-in-law and father-in-law. And so that living together with your husband's mother does not seem like hell to you, there are several simple but quite effective rules that will help you build normal relationships. They should also be followed by those daughters-in-law who do not live with their mother-in-law under the same roof. After all, you have to cross paths at family celebrations and just like that, visiting each other. Therefore, those young women who truly love their husbands and want to make their family life comfortable and happy need to accept certain rules of the game in relationships with mothers-in-law.

Game rules: common way of life

First of all, we are talking about ordinary household itemsmoments. Two housewives in one kitchen is really very difficult. Especially if one of them is an experienced mother-in-law, and the other is a young and ambitious daughter-in-law. Yes, you both will have a hard time, but it is quite possible to adapt. To do this, you need to show respect and not violate the boundaries of each other's personal space. And this is not so difficult to achieve if you follow some simple advice.

So, tip #1:Do not forget that it was you who came to your mother-in-law's house, and not the other way around If, as often happens now, for a number of reasons you and your husband have to move in with his parents after the wedding, then do not forget that it was you who came to their apartment or house. Before you arrived, there were their own traditions, certain laws and rules that any normal family lives by. Therefore, it is you who will have to adapt to a greater extent. A shared household is always difficult, especially with people whose habits you can only guess at. To begin with, just take a closer look at how your new family lives, what they eat, buy, when they clean, and so on. It is quite possible that you will not like some moments, but be patient, because during this period everyone in the house feels some discomfort. So to speak, grinding in takes place. Over time, when everyone calms down a little, and life gets back to normal, you will better understand what suits you and where you feel discomfort. Perhaps your mother-in-law is not one of those who enters the newlyweds' room without knocking and at any time. And this, you must admit, is already a big plus.
Tip #2:Don't become a servant and don't turn your husband's mother into one Sometimes, with the appearance of another woman in the apartment, the mother-in-law insists on running a separate household. This is a very good option, because you will be able to buy groceries and cook what you want yourself. However, be prepared for the fact that your husband's mother will also be interested in what exactly you feed her son. Don't be angry, she does not want to humiliate you or control you. Most often, this is simply a manifestation of her usual care for your husband, because they used to live differently. Stay calm, and even better, ask what she usually cooked for her son herself, what dishes he likes, and write down a couple of recipes. Your mother-in-law will definitely like this, and in her eyes you will appear to be a caring wife. The option of joint household management is becoming no less common. The mother-in-law still takes care of the kitchen herself, and you and your spouse always have a hot dinner in the evening. Of course, this is very convenient. Your man especially likes this, because this is how he lived before meeting you, and he will be happy if the life remains unchanged. But! Do not take such a situation for granted. Offer your help with household chores more often, and, most importantly, always clean up after yourself and your spouse: wash the dishes immediately after eating, clean up, buy groceries, and so on. Do not be overly zealous - this way you risk showing that you are encroaching on the role of the main housewife. Just offer your help - over time, your positive message will be appreciated. A situation in which the mother-in-law herself initially suggests leaving the household entirely to her, arguing that you need to study (work), is completely unacceptable. Believe me, time will pass, and she will think: “It turns out that I live with a lazy person!”, which she will not hesitate to tell her son. To avoid this, it is better to immediately indicate the degree of responsibility for certain housework for you and for the mother-in-law. This position on your part will be the only correct one.
Tip #3:Don't lose your individuality It's no secret that all mothers-in-law love to share their own life experiences. And they often really have something to tell. After all, living in the post-perestroika realities, many of them had to pull their husbands and children out of poverty on their own women's shoulders. Imagine how much physical and moral strength your mother-in-law needed for this! Therefore, treat her tips with respect. Another excellent method to win over your husband's mother is to consult with her, expressing warm gratitude. However, when asking her opinion on some serious issue, do not promise to follow it unquestioningly if you initially disagree with your mother-in-law's position. In this case, she may be seriously offended. It is better to sincerely thank her, but reserve the right to decide for yourself. Honesty is always worthy of respect. Almost all mothers-in-law like to give advice that daughters-in-law usually perceive as reproaches. For example: "You could have waited with buying this expensive car! Now we're in debt!" Or: “There’s no money, and you’re going to someone’s birthday party again! It would be better if you collected it little by little!” and so on. As a rule, there’s no particular hostility in these phrases. Mothers-in-law simply grumble because they really want to establish themselves in their former place as the mistress of the house, to which they’ve long been accustomed. It’s enough to create the illusion of her importance — and she’ll calm down and become attached to her daughter-in-law. Thank your mother-in-law for her grumbling, no matter how aggressive it may seem. And for her concern for the young family. But don’t try to improve relations with your husband’s mother, with whom you live under the same roof or separately, by constantly asking her opinion on any minor matter. This can lead to you being considered an absolutely inexperienced, indecisive and amorphous person. Don’t be afraid to take the initiative and defend your own opinion, but do it in a polite manner, calmly and reasonably. Remember that independence should not go beyond the bounds of correctness.
Tip #4:Respect the privacy of personal space Every young family that lives with their parents needs personal space. If at least once your father-in-law or mother-in-law allows themselves to enter your room with your husband without asking permission first and without knocking, honestly warn them that you do not like it. But also treat the personal space of other family members with due respect. By being the first to set such an example, you will quickly be able to emphasize what you expect from new relatives. It happens that mothers-in-law ignore gentle hints not to enter without warning, then just ask your husband to put a latch on the inside, but in no case a lock with a key. Otherwise, the house may think that you are a distrustful and secretive person. To be respected, tidy up the room where you live with your husband yourself - do not allow your mother-in-law to do this. It is best to always keep it clean, then your husband's mother will simply have no reason to make unnecessary comments to you or wipe the dust with her own hands in your absence. People living under the same roof always need to adapt to each other. If it is customary to carefully monitor cleanliness in your husband’s house, then accept this as a necessity that is not discussed. Here is an example of one of the situations: Rita, forced to share a roof with her mother-in-law, often burst into her friend’s room, all in tears: “I don’t want to live with this impudent person!” It must be said that Rita was a person who organically could not stand order. Her creative nature could feel comfortable only in conditions of chaos. And Natalya Sergeevna, who was her mother-in-law, was especially pedantic, but also delicate. She did not tell Rita directly to clean the room they shared with her husband, but simply cleaned it herself in the absence of the newlyweds. It is clear that the daughter-in-law was outraged by this, but what prevented her from heeding her mother-in-law’s hint? Banal stubbornness, expressed in the word “I don’t want to”. It must be said that in the end, the young husband began to keep order, and with the birth of her son, Rita understood why cleanliness was necessary at all and why it was better for everything to be in its place.
Tip #5:Remember that with your appearance your husband did not stop loving his mother. Try not to put your husband in a situation where he will have to be between two fires. Do not complain to him about any actions of your mother-in-law, especially if they concern banal and quite solvable everyday issues. Believe me, he will not quarrel with your mother because of you and vice versa. Of course, certain steps will follow from his side in search of a compromise, but it is unlikely that this will suit anyone. But the husband will have a very unpleasant thought: “I live like I’m on a powder keg. Where can I go to unwind?” How do you think this might end? Therefore, it would be better if you try to resolve conflict situations and controversial issues tete-a-tete with your mother-in-law.

But don't accumulate irritation in yourself, trying to alwayssmooth over rough edges and be afraid of ruining your relationship with your spouse's mother. This usually leads to an explosion out of nowhere, when your patience finally runs out. It is better to immediately, within the bounds of decency, express what you disagree with than to silently endure, being in an eternal compromise with yourself. Such a position will only heat up the situation and upset the balance in the family.

The rules of the game: the moral aspect

In addition to everyday moments, there are alsoother problems that are better avoided immediately than to eliminate possible consequences later. It is worth saying here that the daughter-in-law needs to adhere to the following tactics: do not involve parents in conflicts with her husband, be sincere, learn loyalty, and so on. These are the kinds of things that will be discussed in the next block of advice.

Tip #1:sort things out with your husband without witnesses There is nothing worse than a situation when a husband and wife quarrel in front of their parents, and it does not matter who is present at the time - the mother-in-law or the mother-in-law. Every mother is naturally inclined to protect her own child, even if he or she already has children of their own. Therefore, do not count on the support of your mother-in-law, reproaching your husband for something in front of her. Even if she remains silent or speaks in your favor, she will not think very well of you in her mind. It may also happen that the husband's mother will simply take his side and begin to scold you, since we all know that there is no one truth. In this case, the mother-in-law will also be drawn into the conflict, you will be offended and, even having made peace with your husband, you will be angry with his mother for a long time. Therefore, try to resolve all contradictions alone, without attracting the attention of your parents from either side, if you want to maintain normal relations with them. Ask your spouse to do the same.
Tip #2:Don't try to seem better than you really are. Indeed, it is impossible to please everyone around you. "Since we live with his parents, I want to prove to everyone what an ideal wife and daughter-in-law I can be" - this position is obviously a losing one. Unless, of course, you are a woman of flesh and blood, and not an angel from heaven. For example, at first you will try too hard, demonstrating yourself from all sides as true perfection, while in fact not being so. Undoubtedly, you will soon be the first to get tired of this game. But those around you, represented by your mother-in-law, have already gotten used to your original image. Can you imagine the extent of her disappointment if you zealously scrubbed the bathroom and made the kitchen shine for a month, and then suddenly abandoned this business? Therefore, it is better to avoid pretense, but also not to show yourself in a bad light. Just be yourself and treat your mother-in-law the way you would like her to treat you. And further life will place the necessary accents. If your mother-in-law shows enough wisdom, and you turn out to be a patient and well-mannered girl, then you may well develop quite friendly relations. But if this does not happen, then do not blame yourself for not being able to love your husband's mother, and she - you. Accept this fact as an established reality and simply try to avoid conflicts.
Tip #3:losing the battle, you will win the battle And, finally, give in to your father-in-law and mother-in-law in small things. After all, there is nothing wrong with them demanding that you wash the floor with a rag instead of a mop, or vacuum the house instead of sweeping it. Perhaps your mother-in-law is used to, for example, doing a general cleaning once every three weeks, and asks you to join in. Or it is customary in their family to organize Sunday dinners, where all the closest relatives gather. In these cases, it is better for you to give in, because nothing terrible will happen, and your husband's parents will be pleased if you respect their traditions. And then you will have more opportunities in matters that are more important to you and your spouse, thanking them for the advice, and doing it your way. After all, in reality, what is important to your parents is not where you spend your money, what you wear, and how you are going to spend the coming weekend. They want you to listen to their opinions with respect and, if possible, to adopt life experience that they consider valuable. And even if much of it seems unnecessary to you, just listen. Sometimes this may be enough.
Tip #4:by showing care now, you can count on real help in the future One young woman made most of the mothers on the playground envious with her stories about how lucky she was to live with her mother-in-law. Katya, that was the girl’s name, simply couldn’t get enough of what an ideal “second mother” she had gotten. “Despite the fact that we have two children, I feel very free, because I can do whatever I need. If I want, I go shopping, to a beauty salon, or to a cafe with a friend,” Katyusha said, and the others only sighed enviously. But only she knew why their family had developed exactly this way. A couple of years ago, when Katya was pregnant with her second daughter, her mother-in-law became seriously ill. She was bedridden for three months. And it was Katya who practically pulled her back from the brink of death, because her mother-in-law, who had a very quarrelsome character at the time, kicked out all the assistants hired by her son with a scandal. The daughter-in-law insisted that they move in with her husband's mother, and took on all the troubles and problems associated with caring for a sick woman. And the mother-in-law thawed. After the birth of her second granddaughter, she not only thanked Katyusha for her care, paying great attention to the newborn, but also gave her daughter-in-law the opportunity to complete her studies at the institute interrupted by maternity leave. Of course, such an example is a rare occurrence. But you can always just ask about your mother-in-law's well-being, do not forget to congratulate her on her birthday, go shopping and to the pharmacy, or just pour a cup of herbal tea before bed. It is quite possible that such small signs of attention in the future will lead to the fact that your husband's mother will sincerely offer her help when a small child appears in the house. Believe me, this will not be superfluous for you during the troublesome time of sleepless nights and days filled with worries.
Tip #5:put yourself in your mother-in-law's shoes The main secret to building a good relationship with your boyfriend's or husband's parents is to try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what we would do if we worked where our mother-in-law worked, performed all her duties, raised a son, and were married to her father-in-law. Her views on life were formed over many years in these circumstances. And by putting yourself in her shoes, you can better understand your mother-in-law and accept her and her father-in-law as they are. After all, the parents of your beloved man are your parents too. As soon as you understand this, everything will fall into place, and you will stop worrying about it.

So, before you sigh sadly, repeating,like a mantra, the phrase: "I really don't want to share the kitchen with your mother!" or "I can't and don't know how to adapt!", try to understand that the mere consent of your mother-in-law to you and your spouse not wandering around other people's corners already indicates a readiness to compromise. Such a position clearly deserves at least ordinary human gratitude from you. We recommend reading: