How to live with my mother in law

Have you ever wondered why aroundso many negative statements about the mother-in-law? Why did this stereotype come about: a father-in-law is the first enemy of a daughter-in-law? Is it really that the mothers of our husbands are such intolerant, angry and scandalous people who love their sons enough to see in each potential daughter-in-law a rival? After all it is "armed" with such representations that many young women enter the families of husbands, live in them and perceive everything that is happening around them through the prism of such beliefs. Of course, there are frequent situations when the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law remains tense, no matter what steps are taken to "warming up" from the latter. In this there is nothing strange, because there are no universal recipes that are suitable for everyone without exception. And mother-in-law are sometimes really intolerant, angry and jealous women. But this does not mean that you will get one of these, and therefore there is no need to try hard and establish normal relations. Often, her husband's mother is initially opposed to her future daughter-in-law, thinking that she does not love her son very much. After all, the concepts of true love are different for all. A wife can think that a manifestation of strong feelings is daily oral sex and a lot of affectionate words. And her husband's mother is sure that such love is not enough, so the bride needs to quit her job and devote herself to cutlets, washing and ironing shirts. To convince a mother-in-law is very difficult, but you can disarm, recognizing her superiority. Suffice it to say: "Oh, I'm not such an experienced hostess yet! Teach me, you do everything perfectly! "And at the same time and take an interest in the recipe of her husband's favorite cutlets. But equally frequent is the fact that young wives themselves provoke conflict situations and intensify confrontation. Therefore, if you read this article and at the same time soon you will live in the family of the husband, then first get rid of the stereotypes imposed by the society and, most importantly, do not even mentally call yourself the mother of your future husband as a fiancée. This word certainly carries a strong negative coloring and you, perhaps not wanting to do so, are already starting to adjust themselves to a bad relationship. Of course, no one forces you to say "mom" - limit yourself to addressing by name and patronymic, but that's what you call your mother-in-law, even in your own thoughts. There are several answers to the question of how to live with my mother-in-law. And every young woman finds for herself the only possible way to co-existence. But the most correct one is the one in which the following idea is concluded: "I really want to live separately, but since this is impossible at the moment, I must and can do everything in order not to destroy my relationship with my beloved spouse, dividing a roof with his relatives. " This is the guide to action, in fact, first of all, it's not about your mother-in-law and your father-in-law, but about your mother's and your husband's dad. And often the happy family life of a young couple largely depends on how badly or well it is - the relationship between them and the parents of one of the spouses develops, if for a number of reasons everyone lives under the roof of the common house. Therefore, those wives who truly love their husbands, make every effort to subsequently have not malicious fathers, but at least friendly-minded mothers-in-law.

Introduction

Often it's from what impression you makewill produce on the parents of the future husband at the first acquaintance, in the future will depend on whether you can, if necessary, get along with the mother-in-law under one roof. And not just to exist, but to conduct joint farming, raise children and at the same time maintain normal human relations, trying not to turn each other's life and those around in the field of unceasing military operations. Of course, acquaintance with the parents of the future husband always leads to some trepidation. Who knows how they will accept a potential daughter-in-law and will they not resist their son's marriage? However, in reality they are much easier to conquer than it seems at first glance. For this, you just need to be aware of some psychological tricks. Neuro-linguistic programming is based on the law of attraction similar to this. In other words, we subconsciously strive to become closer to people like us. Therefore, trying to locate the parents of her husband, it is necessary to find common ground with them. It can be a similar education, political views, hobby for cars or cooking - anything, any thing, if only the future mother-in-law and the father-in-law could talk about it for hours. For this, of course, you should learn about them as much as possible before the first meeting. And then to translate the conversation in the right direction, so that the guy's parents understand: this girl is her own. For example, the mom and dad of the future husband are ordinary people from the countryside, and if you all show your superiority, repeating endlessly: "How good that I live in the city! I can not imagine how to occupy myself in this wilderness! ", Then clearly set them against yourself. Believe me, the future mother-in-law will definitely take a moment to express her sincere opinion about his bride to his son alone. Therefore, remember that snobbery has not added any advantages to anyone. In the same case, if you can not find common ground, it is necessary to try to copy their gestures, the manner of communication and use the same lexicon when talking with potential relatives. These tricks are fairly simple, and they can be mastered by any smart and observant girl. And they have a very effective ability to very quickly position themselves to their future mother-in-law and father-in-law. And that the joint life with her husband's husband does not seem to you a hell, there are some simple but rather effective rules that will help build a normal relationship. They should also be adhered to by those daughters-in-law who do not live with their mother-in-law under one roof. After all, you in any case have to cross on family holidays and just like that, visiting each other. Therefore, those young women who really love their husbands and want to make their family life comfortable and happy, you need to adopt certain rules of the game in dealing with mother-in-law.

Game rules: common way of life

First of all, we are talking about ordinary householdmoments. Two housewives in one kitchen - this is really very difficult. Moreover, if one of them is an experienced mother-in-law, and the second - a young and ambitious daughter-in-law. Yes, both of you will have a hard time, but it's quite possible to adapt. To do this, you must show respect and do not violate the boundaries of each other's personal space. And to achieve this is not so difficult, if you follow some simple advice.

So, the council number 1: do not forget that it is you who came to the mother-in-law's house, and not vice versa. If, as is often the case now, for a number of reasons, you and your husband will have to move to his parents after the wedding, then do not forget that it was you who came to their mother-in-law apartment or house. Here before your appearance there were their traditions, certain laws and rules were in force, according to which any normal family lives. Therefore, you will have to adapt to a greater extent. Joint farming is always difficult, especially with people whose habits you can only guess at. First, just look at how they live in your new family, what they eat, when they buy it, and so on. It is possible that you will not like some moments, but be patient, because in this period everyone in the house feels a certain discomfort. There is, so to speak, lapping. Over time, when everyone is a little calmer, and life goes down the usual track, you better understand what suits you, and where you feel discomfort. Perhaps your mother-in-law is not one of those who enter the room to the newlyweds without knocking and at any time. And this, you see, is already a big plus.
Tip # 2: Do not become a servant and do not turn into her the mother of your husband Sometimes, with the appearance of another woman in the apartment, the mother-in-law insists on running a separate farm. This is a very good option, because you can independently buy products and cook what you want. However, be prepared for the fact that your husband's mother will also be interested in what you are feeding her son in this case. Do not be angry, she does not want to humiliate or control you. Most often it's just a manifestation of the customary care on her part in relation to your husband, because before they lived in a different way. Remain calm, and even better ask what she usually cooked for her son, what dishes he likes, and write down a couple of recipes. This is sure to please your mother-in-law, and you will find yourself in her eyes a caring wife. The option of joint management is also becoming less frequent. Her mother-in-law is still engaged in the kitchen herself, and you and your wife always have a hot supper. Of course, this is very convenient. Especially it's like your man, because that's how he lived before meeting you, and will be happy if the life remains unchanged. But! Do not take this situation for granted. Often offer your help in household chores, and, most importantly, always clean up with yourself and your spouse: wash the dishes right after eating, do cleaning, buy food and so on. Do not be too zealous - so you risk showing that you are encroaching on the role of the main hostess. Just offer your help - over time, your positive message will be appreciated. Absolutely unacceptable is the situation in which at first the mother-in-law proposes to leave her life entirely on her, arguing that you need to study (work). Believe me, time will pass, and she will think: "Yes, I happen to live with a lazy person!", Which will not slow to inform my son. To avoid this, it's better to immediately identify the measure of responsibility for certain work on the household for you and for the mother-in-law. This position on your part will be the only correct one.
Tip # 3: do not lose your own personality. It's no secret that all mothers love to share their own life experience. And often they really have something to tell. After all, living in the post-perestroika realities, many of them had to be pulled from their women's shoulders from lack of money, both husbands and children. Imagine how much for this your mother-in-law took physical and moral strength! Therefore, treat her hints with respect. Another excellent method is to arrange for the husband's mother to consult her, expressing her warm gratitude. However, being interested in her opinion on some serious issue, do not promise to follow him unquestioningly, if initially do not agree with the position of the mother-in-law. In this case, she can be seriously offended. It is better to sincerely thank, but the right to decide to leave behind. Honesty is always worthy of respect. Almost all mothers love to give advice, which daughters-in-law usually perceive as reproaches. For example: "With the purchase of this expensive car you could wait! Now they have got into debt! "Or:" No money, but again go to someone's birthday! It would be better to collect on the sly! "And so on. In these phrases, as a rule, there is no special dislike. Simply mother-in-law growls because they really want to establish themselves in their former place of the mistress of the house, to which they have long been accustomed. It is enough to create the illusion of its importance - and she will calm down and become attached to her daughter-in-law. Say thank you to your mother-in-law for her grumbling, no matter how aggressive. And for her care for the young family. But do not seek to establish relationships with the mother of her husband, with whom you live under one roof or separately, constantly asking her opinions on any petty matter. This can lead to the fact that you will be considered an absolutely inexperienced, indecisive and amorphous person. Do not be afraid to take the initiative and defend your own opinion, but do it in a polite manner, calmly and reasonably. Remember that independence should not go beyond the scope of correctness.
Tip # 4: respect the inviolability of personal space Every young family that lives with their parents needs a personal space. If at least once the father-in-law or mother-in-law allow themselves to enter your husband's room without asking permission and without knocking, honestly warn that you do not like it. But you yourself should respect the personal space of other family members with due respect. The first giving such an example, you will quickly be able to emphasize what you expect from new relatives. It happens that my mother-in-law ignores soft hints not to enter without warning, then just ask the husband to put the latch on the inside, but in no case is the lock with the key. Otherwise, the house may think that you are a distrustful and secretive person. To respect you, put things in order in the room where you live with your husband, on your own - do not allow this mother-in-law to do it. It is best to keep the purity in it always, then the mother of her husband simply will not have an occasion to make comments to you or wipe the dust in your absence with your own hands. People living under the same roof, in any case, need to adjust themselves to each other. If it is customary in the husband's house to carefully monitor the cleanliness, then take it as a necessity that is not discussed. For example, one of the situations: Rita, forced to share shelter with her mother-in-law, often broke into her friend, all in tears: "I do not want to live with this unceremonious person!" I must say that Rita was a person who did not organically carry the order. Her creative nature could feel comfortable only in a chaotic environment. And Natalia Sergeevna, who was her mother-in-law, was a very pedantic, but also delicate. She did not tell Rita directly that she was cleaned up in their common room with her husband, but simply in the absence of the newlyweds, she made order there herself. It is clear that her sister-in-law resented this, but what prevented her from seeing the hint of her mother-in-law? Banal stubbornness, expressed in the word "I do not want." It must be said that as a result, the young man was following the order, and with the birth of her son, Rita realized why purity was needed in general and why it was better that all things should be in their proper places.
Tip # 5: remember that with your appearance the husband has not ceased to love his mother. Try not to put your husband in a situation where he has to be between two fires. Do not complain to him about any actions of the mother-in-law, especially if they concern trivial and quite solvable domestic issues. Believe me, he will not quarrel over you with his mother and vice versa. Of course, on his part, certain steps will be followed in the search for a compromise, but this is unlikely to suit anyone. But her husband will have a very unpleasant thought: "I live as if on a barrel of gunpowder. Where to go to unwind? ". What do you think, how can this end? Therefore, it will be better if conflict situations and controversial points you try to solve tet-a-tet with your mother-in-law.

But do not save the irritation in yourself, always tryingsmooth out sharp angles and be afraid to spoil relations with the mother of the spouse. This usually leads to an explosion from scratch, when the cup of your patience is finally overflowing. It is better to express at once within the bounds of decency what you disagree with than silently tolerate, being in an eternal compromise with itself. This position will only aggravate the situation and break the balance in the family.

The rules of the game: the moral aspect

In addition to everyday moments, there are otherproblems that are best avoided immediately, rather than in the future to eliminate the possible consequences. Here it is necessary to say that the daughter-in-law should adhere to the following tactics: not to interfere in conflicts with the husband of the parents, to be sincere, to learn loyalty and so on. It is about such things that will be discussed in the next block of advice.

Tip # 1: find out the relationship with her husband without witnesses There is nothing worse than the situation when quarrels between husband and wife occur in front of their parents, and it does not matter who is present at the same time - mother-in-law or mother-in-law. Every mother is naturally committed to protecting her own child, even if he or she already has children of their own. Therefore, do not count on the support of your mother-in-law, reproaching your husband for something in front of her. Even if she keeps silent or speaks in your favor, she will not think too well about herself. It may also happen that the husband's mother will simply take his side and begin to chastise you, because we all know that there is no one truth. In this case, the mother-in-law will be involved in the conflict, you will be offended, and even after reconciling with your spouse, you will still be angry with his mother for a long time. Therefore, try to solve all the contradictions in private, without attracting the attention of the parents on either side, if you want to maintain normal relations with them. Ask your wife for the same.
Tip # 2: Do not try to seem better than you really are. Indeed, it's impossible to please everyone around. "Since we live with his parents, I want to prove to everyone what an ideal wife and daughter-in-law I can be" - such a position is obviously losing. If, of course, you are a woman of flesh and blood, and not an angel of heaven. For example, at first you will try too much, demonstrating yourself from all sides with true perfection, in fact it is not. Undoubtedly, this game will soon be your first and bored. And after all the people around in the person of the mother-in-law are already accustomed to your original image. Can you imagine the measure of her frustration if, within a month, you zealously scrubbed the bathroom and shimmered in the kitchen, and then suddenly abandoned the matter? Therefore, it is better to avoid pretense, but not to show oneself from the bad side. Just stay yourself and treat your mother-in-law the way you would like her to treat you. And further life will put the necessary accents. If your mother-in-law shows enough wisdom, and you find yourself a patient and well-bred girl, then you may well have quite friendly relations. But if this does not happen, then do not blame yourself for not being able to love the mother of your husband, and she is you. Accept this fact as a developed reality and try to just avoid conflicts.
Tip # 3: losing the battle, win the battle And, finally, yield to the father in law and mother-in-law in small things. After all, there is nothing terrible in that they require washing the floor with a rag, and not with a mop, or vacuuming the house, and not sweeping it. Perhaps my mother-in-law has become accustomed, for example, every three weeks to do spring cleaning, and asks you to connect. Or in their family it is customary to arrange Sunday dinners, where all the next of kin are gathered. In these cases, you better give in, because nothing terrible will happen, and the parents of the husband will be pleased if you respect their traditions. And then you will have more opportunities in more important matters for you and your spouse, thanking you for advice, doing your own way. After all, in reality, it is not important for parents where you spend your money, what you are wearing, and how you are going to spend the nearest weekend. They want you to listen with respect to their opinion and, if possible, adopt the valuable, in their opinion, life experience. And even if many things seem superfluous to you, just listen. Sometimes this can be quite enough.
Tip # 4: taking care now, will be able to count on real help in the future. One young woman evoked the envy of most mothers on the site with her stories about how she was lucky to live with her mother-in-law. Katya, that's the name of this girl, just could not get enough of her, what an ideal "second mother" she got. "Despite the fact that we have two children, I feel very free, because I can do everything that I need. I want - I go shopping, a beauty salon or a girlfriend in a cafe "- said Katyusha, and the rest only enviously sighed. But only she knew, why in their family such relations have developed. A couple of years ago, when Katya was pregnant with her second daughter, her mother-in-law fell seriously ill. She was confined for three months to bed. And it was Katya who practically pulled her out of the world, as her mother-in-law, possessing a very uncomfortable character at that time, scolded all the assistants hired by her son with a scandal. The daughter-in-law insisted that they move to the mother of her husband, and she herself took all the trouble and problems associated with caring for a sick woman. And my mother-in-law thawed. After the birth of her second granddaughter, she not only thanked Katyusha for her care, paying great attention to the newborn child, but she also gave the daughter-in-law the opportunity to complete the decedent study at the institute. Of course, such an example is a rare phenomenon. But you can always just ask yourself about the state of health of your mother-in-law, remember to congratulate you on your birthday, go shopping and go to the pharmacy or just pour a cup of herbal tea before bed. It is possible that such small signs of attention in the future will lead to the fact that your husband's mother will sincerely offer her help when a small child appears in the house. Believe me, this will not be superfluous for you in the troubled times of sleepless nights and busy days.
Tip # 5: Imagine yourself in the place of your mother-in-law The main secret of building good relations with the parents of your young man or spouse is to try to put yourself in their place. Let's imagine what we would do if we worked there, where our mother-in-law did all of her duties, raised her son and were married to a father-in-law. Her views on life were formed over many years precisely in these circumstances. And, having presented yourself in its place, you can better understand your mother-in-law and accept her and the father-in-law as they are. After all, the parents of the beloved are your parents. Once you understand this, everything will fall into place, and you will stop worrying about it.

Therefore, before sighing sorrowfully, repeating,as a mantra, the phrase: "I so do not want to share the kitchen with your mother!" or "I can not and do not know how to adapt!", try to understand that the only agreement of mother-in-law is that you and your spouse do not wander at strange angles, already testifies to readiness for a compromise. Such a position clearly deserves even ordinary human gratitude on your part. We advise you to read: