Interpersonal conflicts most often occur infamily. And this is not surprising, because it is in the family that the closest contacts between people occur. And at the same time, each member of the family wants to live in accordance with their ideas and views, and it is not always possible to correlate them with the habits and beliefs of other family members. On this ground, and there are family conflicts. From time to time, on either side of the "barricade" are the spouses, parents and children or people of the middle and older generation. Conflict can occur not only when family members have different views and beliefs. Sometimes confrontation arises when people can not understand each other and because of this they come to the wrong conclusion. This gives rise to grievances and grievances, and it is not always possible to settle the problem peacefully. And what else can cause a tense situation leading to a quarrel?

Common causes of family conflicts

Leo Tolstoy wisely noted that "... eachunhappy family is unhappy in its own way. " Examples of this could lead each of us. This is about misfortune. Conflicts are the same - their causes in different families can be completely different. Even the very passage of marriage through different stages of its existence can create conflict situations. What types of developmental stages of the family can be called crisis?

• The period of "grinding in" when the newlyweds learn to live like a married couple;
• Birth of the first child and mastering the role of mom and dad;
• Birth of subsequent children;
• When a child goes to school;
• Children enter adolescence;
• Growing up of children and leaving the parental home;
• The crisis of middle age of spouses;
• The couple's retirement

Each of these stages can create differentstressful situations, which, in turn, can serve as a potential cause of a family conflict. Changes in marital status and in family affairs can also contribute to stress. It can be:

• Divorce or separation of spouses;
• Moving to a new place of residence;
• Long distance trips and long trips;
• The need to work in another state;
• Change in the financial situation of the family

So it turns out that family conflicts and theirthe reasons can be completely different. The relationship to each other, the values ​​and needs of each member of the family may change over time, and they may feel incompatible with the others.

Types of confrontations within the family

Psychologists distinguish different types of family conflicts:

Actually conflicts. Even in a happy and healthy, normally functioning family, quarrels occur from time to time. Confrontations can be caused by the discrepancy between the views and goals of different family members. Conflicts can be resolved, and then they do not threaten the stability of family ties. Contradictions in the family can arise at all levels, that is, brothers and sisters, spouses, and also parents and children can quarrel among themselves.

Tension. Psychologists call tension long-standing, unresolved conflicts. They can be obvious and open, but they can be just temporarily depressed. In any case, they accumulate and cause negative emotions, leading to constant irritability, aggression and dislike, which eventually causes loss of contact between family members.

A crisis. One can talk about it when the conflict and tension have reached a stage in which all the negotiating models that have been in effect so far are beginning to fail, and, consequently, the real needs of individuals or a whole group of household members remain chronically unsatisfied. Crises often lead to disorganization of the family, that is, certain obligations of the spouses to each other or the duties of the parents towards children cease to be properly performed. And the disorganization of the family, in turn, often ends with its disintegration.

These are the main types of conflicts. And what can cause them? What kind of roughness in relations between close people can lead to disaster?

Search for "faults" in relationships within the family

Family conflicts and their causes are always crowdedare interconnected. We are ready to give, though not a complete, but detailed list of those deficiencies in intra-family ties that can significantly affect both the quality of the relationship and the further psychological well-being of the family. Here are some examples:

• Impossibility to express their feelings. In families with an unhealthy psychological climate, its members tend to hide their feelings and reject their manifestations by other people. They do this mainly in order to avoid mental pain and psychological trauma.
• Lack of communication. In dysfunctional families, there is very rarely an open communication between relatives. If family conflicts arise, family members begin to avoid each other, emotionally moving away and locking themselves in.
• Manifestations of anger. If there are any problems, the unhealthy family tries to hide them, instead of facing face to face and trying to solve them. In such a family there is often a debate about who is responsible for the occurrence of a particular problem, and such disputes often lead to outbursts of anger and even to the use of force. Such relations cause complete chaos and cause the participants in the conflict to become deaf to other people's feelings. Prevention and resolution of family conflicts at this stage of the relationship become very difficult.
• Fuzzy boundaries of "personal territory". In dysfunctional families, relations are unstable, chaotic. Some family members suppress the rest, not respecting their individuality. Such a violation of personal borders can lead not only to a conflict, but also to actions that can be described as "family violence".
• Manipulation. Manipulators express their anger and frustration with the only way they can: they try to pressure others to make them feel guilty and ashamed. So they try to get others to do what the manipulators themselves want.
• Negative attitude to life and to each other. In some families, everyone treats the others with some suspicion and distrust. They do not know what optimism is, and they, as a rule, have absolutely no sense of humor. Relatives have very few common interests and rarely find a common theme for conversation.
• Weak relations. It also happens that family members understand that something is going wrong, but they do not have the courage to try something and start acting somehow in a new way. This creates great difficulties in the relationship, the family can not feel free to develop as individuals. They prefer to live by the past, because in the present they can not cope with negative changes.
• Social isolation. For the most part, members of a psychologically unhealthy family are single. They are isolated from each other, and all their relationships develop (if they have not yet lost the ability to develop interpersonal relationships) outside the family. Most often, such isolation affects children growing up in a family with unhealthy relationships. Sometimes antisocial behavior becomes characteristic of them, which eventually leads to even greater personal isolation - in such a situation, even friends do not remain.
• Stress and psychosomatic diseases. Unexplained emotions can adversely affect health and cause psychosomatic illnesses. Such a person gradually loses energy and can no longer take care of the family, as before. As a rule, he does not even realize that he is unwell; it is not surprising that his relatives do not understand this either. They perceive his apathy as indifference to the problems of the family, and this serves as a trigger for conflicts. But the real definition of these conflicts is a simple misunderstanding!

If you find at least onefrom the named signs of a ripening trouble, then in a panic it is not necessary to rush; but to draw serious conclusions and try to fix the relationship is very even worth it! The prevention and resolution of family conflicts largely depend on your desire to find a common language with relatives. Although, in fairness, I must say that one desire is still not enough. We still need to know how it is possible to settle the conflict and establish healthy relations. This is what we are now talking about, given the different types of conflicts.

Conflict of generations

Human relations in general are one of the mostthe most difficult puzzles in life. The connection between generations is no exception. The main difficulty that arises in communication between households of different ages is that each of them is a "product" of completely different times. Each generation was formed in another environment, and this creates a huge gap between them. That is why the attitude towards even the simplest things in life is completely different, and this is precisely the peculiarity of family conflicts between generations. Want an example? You are welcome! Most of our grandparents, as a rule, store absolutely useless (from our point of view) things, because in their time these things were very difficult to buy. And we, their grandchildren, on the contrary, very easily treat things and often change still completely usable things to newer and more modern ones - and this is because we were brought up at a time that the definition of the "consumer era" fits. The rapid development of technology makes the gap between generations even greater. New technical devices appear so quickly that older people simply do not have time to adapt to them. Although it is fair to say that some grandparents exhibit unexpected flexibility and begin to use these devices with pleasure. But for many such concepts as the Internet, mobile phones or MP3-players are completely abstract. And then they begin to grumble: "Well, how much can you sit in front of this computer?" - even if a person at this time makes money, because the Internet has given him the opportunity to get a remote job. We can hardly influence the factors that contribute to the gap between generations. But there is the main reason, because of which this gap becomes possible, is our reluctance to understand each other and communicate with each other. For example, we do not have time, each day is strained to the limit. We are busy and forced to spin like squirrels in a wheel - are not we usually trying to find an excuse? But that's all - just excuses! Yes, today life is not easy, yes, we must earn money - all this is really so; but one who truly loves his neighbor and cares about him, he will find time for communication.

How can relations develop?

As we have already said, family conflicts betweengenerations are possible when there is a misunderstanding between different age groups and / or lack of respect, as a rule, in younger people with respect to elders. It is difficult for the younger generation to understand that the elders were also so young that they contributed to society and that although they became less active because of their age, they are still smart and have a rich experience that can be of use to others. The older generation may find it hard to put up with the behavior of some young people. They see that young people now have more opportunities than they had in their time, and that the younger generation does not have those difficulties that they once tolerated. Older people can not understand that young people today face various problems related to the characteristics of modern society, and can not recognize that these problems are also very complex in their own way. But there are examples of generations of conflicts that occur on a different basis. Some may be irritated by the need to take care of a sick elderly relative. They can love this person very much, but you have to constantly make some sacrifices in your life to carry out this care. In addition, the elder relative himself can feel guilty and will consider himself a burden to his family. This can lead to depression and serve as an additional source of complications in the relationship. Aging often carries with it discrimination or prejudice against people of a certain age, and this is the main cause of intergenerational conflict.

Young grandparents

And here's another example: young people still have parents growing up, creating their own families, grandchildren are born. The birth of the first grandchildren usually catches many middle-aged people by surprise. They are not yet ready for a new role, because they live their own, full and active life, and still full of ambition. And daughters or sons, having created families and having given birth to a child, suddenly realize that they were not at the right time to be shackled on the hands and feet. They still need to learn, it is necessary to work, and the youth takes their own - I want to continue to communicate with friends, go to the movies, run off to a dance, go on an excursion ... And conflicts begin. Young do not understand that all responsibility for raising a child lies only with them, it is difficult for them to be locked in four walls. They do not understand that grandparents are also full of energy, they have some plans of their own, and almost all the "ancestors" work at that age. Another example is the exact opposite of the first. Grandmother reaches out to her grandchildren, but her daughter-in-law does not allow her to bother with them. All councils of the mother-in-law are rejected, because the daughter-in-law does not agree with them. And this applies not only to children. Habits and rules in different families may differ even in small things, not to mention more important issues. But conflicts often begin with trifles ... Here is another example: my mother-in-law always served her son with a bun, buttered with butter for breakfast. A young daughter-in-law, most likely, advocates for a healthy diet, and therefore transferred her husband to yogurt. The mother-in-law will experience that the son remains hungry, and the daughter-in-law will be nervous that her mother-in-law spoils her husband's health. Discontent will accumulate, and one day it will outgrow the conflict.

How to solve these problems?

The coexistence of generations does not have anyfixed rules, but you can still find a solution to the problem. The most important thing on which the prevention and resolution of family conflicts between people of different ages is based is the ability and desire to elucidate different points of view, experience situations taking into account the interests of both sides. How can we better understand each other, if we are so different? How can we make others more sensitive to the situation? And how can people be helped to expand their ideas about youth and old age? Everything depends on the specific situation and the particular family. Here are the main "tools" with which you can fix a difficult situation:

Identification of the problem;

Clarification of the reason for the position taken and the manifestation of empathy (empathy);

Taking measures to resolve the conflict;

Changing attitudes to this situation: understanding the position of the opposing party removes possible conflicts in the future. Understanding is the best prevention of conflicts.

Children and conflict

The above examples, of course, do not exhaust allpossible variants of conflicts between generations. Growing up children also often become a source of conflict. Only an age of transition - even in well-off families - how many problems it brings! However, we will not consider the prevention of conflicts between parents and adolescents, this is a separate issue. But here is not to say that any quarrel between parents has a strong adverse effect on the child, we can not. Even if the child is very small and still does not understand anything from what the adults say, he begins to cry almost immediately after the parents start to quarrel. Children perceive the increased tones of parental conversation as a threat to their well-being. Those kids who are older are also very sensitive to parents' conflicts. And if the children themselves are the perpetrators of the conflict? If they are guilty, and to scold and punish they have to themselves? Of course, life is life, conflict can arise at any time, and it is not always possible to protect our children from the negative impact of stress. And here the first place is already the prevention of nervous diseases in children. How, you ask? We must learn to competently compete. And children should be scolded too competently. This means that parents should not resort to humiliation and ridicule, in any case should not use profanity or tolerate physical violence, even if it is only a slap or a slap. This also means that rational arguments should be used during the conflict. Parents should never forget that children learn their behavior and communication with other people every minute, so even in the moment of the greatest anger, it is not worthwhile to give them a bad example. In addition, after a quarrel with his offspring you need to find an opportunity to reconcile with him, and you must express your love for the child. Your child should feel that everything is already good, the crisis has passed, and he is still dear to you.

Settlement of family conflicts

Preventing, preventing and resolving family conflicts depends on your attitude towards them. First of all, learn how to act properly during a quarrel:

• Identify the problem. Clearly and calmly discuss it with the household, paying attention to your tone and the words that you choose to express your feelings;
• Discuss the problem identified;
• If the discussion becomes heated and begins to develop into a quarrel, take a break so that everyone can cool down and return to a calm discussion;
• Think of a solution to the problem and collectively coordinate it;
• Apply your decision to practice. You must act in accordance with the decision, in order for the conflict to be truly exhausted.

Today, for some reason, the family is not a priority. Business, success and money for many became the number one goal. But we must pay attention to the most important thing in our life - our family and friends. Everything else can wait. Only then will the family conflict become a very rare "guest" in your home. We advise you to read:

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