There are people who know how to make everyone around themto dance to their own tune, and if someone refuses to join the ranks of the “dancers”, they will certainly feel guilty before the player of the pipe. Such specimens of the human race have mastered the hidden manipulation of people well, and use it, sometimes even unconsciously, to achieve the desired behavior of others. Of course, each of us supports the idea of ​​​​good and serving people, but this does not mean that we should allow ourselves to be manipulated. It is about understanding that we are responsible for our lives; and if we do something against our will to please someone, then we thereby deny ourselves. We want to tell you about manipulators and how to learn to resist them. Let's start with the definition. Manipulation is when hidden or obvious violence, intimidation, coercion, pressure are used; when your brain is “washed” so that you begin to do something that you do not want to do at all. For example, in the popular Webster's New Dictionary, manipulation of a person is defined as "the management and control, the skillful use of influence over another person, often unfairly, inhumanely, and often using deception, when facts and events are falsified to suit the manipulator's own purposes." In human relationships, manipulation can be defined as any attempt to control by coercion (overtly or covertly) the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of another person.

When we yield to others, we renounce ourselves

Of course, people help each other.We all do what someone asks us to do, and we often ask for something ourselves. But there is a significant difference between asking for help and trying to manipulate. Do you want to understand how manipulation differs from any other action? We are ready to explain. When we do something for someone, we usually get something for ourselves as well. It is as if there is an exchange of equal values. But manipulation excludes such an exchange. For example, a co-worker comes to you - not a friend, just an acquaintance - and says: “I moved to a new apartment, all the windows there are heavily stained with paint and whitewash. I really need help, there is so much work that I can’t cope alone! If you don’t help me, I don’t even know what to do. I really count on you and I would not like to be disappointed in you.” So, she is trying to manipulate you, trying to put pressure on you and evoke a feeling of pity. She is poor, unhappy, and how everyone should feel sorry for her! But there is no real exchange here – she wants you to exchange your work and your day off for her promise “not to be disappointed” in you! The right thing to do would be to refuse your friend right away; no one owes her anything, and her suffering is, by and large, her own problem. And you are not obliged to explain or apologize. But manipulators are usually not satisfied with a refusal and try to further draw us into a conversation. They can be very persistent and will bring up one argument after another, hoping to suppress our resistance. And how would a person who is not in the habit of manipulating people act in the same situation? Your friend would come up to you and say: “I need your help! Let me help you this weekend at the dacha, and you will help me wash the windows in the new apartment next weekend?” Do you feel the difference? The person offers you cooperation, and this is the complete opposite of manipulation. In such a situation, you will be happy to help, because you will both get the opportunity to do your work twice as fast, and it will be more fun for you to work together!

Our qualities that play into the hands of manipulators

Some of our character traits make usvulnerable. And before we start fighting with a person who is trying to influence us, we need to change something in ourselves. What can a manipulator use?

• When we feel useful and loved onlythen, when we can take care of the needs of other people. Sometimes we go in this so far that we are ready to give anything to another through our own well-being. For example, we can buy something especially pleasant for our partner or girlfriend, something that never would have been wasted on spending such money on ourselves. Manipulators are very attracted to this type of people, and they do not hesitate to use this particular personality trait.
• When we need to get approval and recognitionother people. The main problem here can be the fear of being rejected or abandoned - it can be so strong that you could do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works with your fear, constantly threatening to turn it into the reality of your life.
• When we are afraid to express negative emotions. Although the expression of anger and participation in the conflict for anybody is not pleasant, some people will do anything to avoid confrontation. In such a relationship, manipulators are the easiest to achieve - one should only raise their voice.
• When we can not say no. One of the characteristics of healthy relationships is the existence of personal boundaries. In order to adhere to these boundaries, sometimes it is necessary to say "no" if someone invades our personal territory. And if you are afraid of a conflict that may arise because of your refusal, you become a toy in the hands of a manipulator.

In any case, it is necessary to have a clearidea of ​​your own self, otherwise it will be very difficult to trust your own discretion and make decisions in your favor. Without a clear definition of your own identity, we can become easy targets for manipulators.

Techniques that usually use manipulators

Unfortunately, we are faced with this quite oftenthose who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. We always feel uneasy when we are being manipulated; but the worst thing is that we don’t always even understand what is really going on. Hopefully, knowing the usual tricks of manipulators will help you understand the situation and you will be able to defend your interests. Here is what they most often do:

• They start to extol you. To achieve their own, manipulators often start with praise in your address. And when you are satisfied and relaxed, they will ask you to do what they want. Having made a compliment, a person quite reasonably believes that it will be very difficult for you after this to say no to him. In the end, you do not want to disappoint him or give him an excuse to think that you do not deserve these compliments ... So the manipulator thinks. But you must not go against him; it's better to say that you think that you did not deserve these compliments, and then firmly refuse.
• Trying to make you feel guilty. This tactic of manipulation was successful at all times and at all levels of relations between people. The saddest thing is that the victims of this tactic are succumbing to the manipulators' demands not because they so want, but because they feel they must "do it". In personal relationships, this creates interdependence, which is extremely harmful both for relationships and for psychological health.
• They hope that you will fail. This manipulators often works! You can tell him in a conversation (if it is, for example, a member of your family) that you have any plans for a certain amount of money that you have put off, and after a while he suddenly declares that you promised him something, then buy with that money. And retell your conversation in a completely different way, turning your words in your favor. And if you do not have a witness capable of refuting his words, you or him will not prove anything, or you yourself will begin to doubt how it really was. And then again - and a sense of guilt arose, and this is an additional lever of influence on you (see a little above)! So, be prepared for the fact that the manipulator is quite ready to go to the machinations.
• They are like a broken record. One of the most obvious forms of manipulator behavior. A person asks and asks you about the same thing, coming to you from one side or the other ... The arguments change, the intonations change, but the request is repeated and repeated until you have patience and you will not do anything, only if from you fell behind!
• May resort to intimidation. If a person sees that he can not get what he wants, he starts to scare you. In the course goes everything that his fantasy is rich: someone "urgently" jumps pressure or a heart attack, someone demonstratively refuses to eat, someone in general threatens to get under the train. As a rule, all this is not serious enough, no harm will be done to oneself by such people; they expect that we will give up our interests for their well-being, and often succeed in doing so.

There is a wide range of tactics usedmanipulators – from verbal threats to attempts to organize situations in accordance with their plans. For example, one of the most common forms of manipulation is “splitting” – setting two people against each other. The manipulator talks to each – behind one’s back, he talks about him to the other, and then does the same to the second. In this way, he makes these people distrust each other, while he himself remains in the position of controlling the situation. They can use active methods of influencing us – they get angry, shout, provoke aggression. Or they can use more passive methods – they sulk, remain silent, or even expressively ignore us.

How to react to hidden manipulation

Direct, open threats are generally not followedtoo skillful characters. Skilled manipulators influence us more subtly, intimidating us with more veiled threats. Sometimes the hidden threat may not even be visible at first glance. It happens that they put a special meaning not in what they say or do, but in the method or tone they use when doing something or saying something. Such white and fluffy little angels, from under whose clothes hooves and tails peek out. Such people are able to influence our consciousness so strongly that healthy relationships gradually develop into exploitative ones. What is the best way to respond to the behavior and tactics of such manipulators who strive to dominate and subordinate everything to their control? You need to start with yourself: you need to get rid of the insecurity, anxiety and depression that constant communication with a person prone to manipulation can lead to, and regain control of your life. Do not accept any excuses for aggressive or other inappropriate behavior! If someone's behavior is wrong and even harmful, all the justifications for such behavior that this person can offer are completely irrelevant. The end cannot justify the means to achieve it. Remember: as soon as a person begins his "explanations", he will immediately try to influence you again. If this is a stranger to you, then you can simply stop all relations with him; the situation is more complicated if this is a person close to you. Your position must be firm: you cannot give in to manipulation! A manipulator will never limit himself to one or two cases, he will strive to use his tactics constantly. But as soon as you stop responding to his maneuvers, the focus will automatically shift from you (where your loved one tried to direct it) to his unworthy behavior. And then your loved one will be forced to change something in himself!

Why do people want to manipulate others?

Although you should be on guard, you should be afraidother people's attempts to manipulate you are still not worth it. Their attempts can give you the opportunity to help a person become different, better than he is now. Of course, if this person is close to you and his fate is not indifferent to you. In addition, as soon as you understand why he is trying to manipulate you, your fear will be replaced by compassion. And because of the emerging sympathy, your attitude towards him will never develop into reciprocal aggression. Why do some people manipulate a person from whom they want to achieve something? Because they are weak. A weak person should not be feared, he can only be pitied. His weakness manifests itself in many forms and includes a feeling of inferiority and incompetence. Such people try to force others to do what they themselves, as they think, cannot do. They try to compensate for their feeling of powerlessness by gaining power over others. In addition, people who even feel inferior and live a miserable life would like to see others unhappy. When they succeed in making someone else's life miserable, they find relief in it, because the pain of others distracts them from their own pain. Some manipulators' thinking becomes somewhat distorted, and they either begin to believe that they have the right to demand something from others, or they feel that they are our wards, and therefore they are entitled to special privileges - this is how they think. Whatever the reason for the tendency to manipulate, in any case, this tendency is based on weakness. So, when such a person decides to take their usual path, making you feel guilty, do not give in and do not turn their weakness into yours. If you encounter manipulation - do not give in to fear, especially if they are trying hard to scare you. Do not be afraid of losing friendship by not living up to your friend's expectations and disappointing her. You are responsible for your life, not for her fate. We live to help other people; but we cannot help others when we are busy solving our own problems. How can we make others strong if we ourselves are weak? How can we want others to defend their rights if we do not defend our own? There is much unhappiness in the world, and it, this world, needs more people who can spread joy. However, when we do what we do not want to do, we only contribute to the unhappiness of the whole world. Let us instead multiply joy! Recommended reading:

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