"Fear, self-loathing and lonelinessare fueled by our reason and are the cause of most of our misfortunes. The same mind, if you know how to do it, helps to cure all these diseases of the mind. " (Phil Nuremberger, "Searching for power over oneself") Some of us enjoy loneliness, because that's the only way they can relax and rest from their daily affairs. But there are a number of people for whom fear of loneliness is already a real phobia that presses on them disappointment in life and fear of tomorrow. And it does not matter whether you are alone, whether in a serious relationship or even in a happy marriage - the fear of possible loneliness can embrace any person, regardless of his current situation. If you constantly check your mailbox, enter numbers of even completely random people into your phone or become restless and anxious, staying alone with yourself for only a few minutes, it is quite possible that you also became a victim of this syndrome.
What is real loneliness?
Despite the rabid rhythm of modern life,loneliness today is not uncommon. Regardless of our gender, nationality, social status and age, loneliness can overtake us without any warning, when we do not expect it at all. At some point in our life we suddenly experience it, no matter whether it's a short state or it's a long one. But, as social beings, we seek to communicate with others. It always becomes easier for us if there is a person who understands us and is able to empathize with our feelings. But simply because at some point we are alone, does not mean that each of us at the same time feels alone. Someone can not stay at home alone for the whole day, and someone with pleasure retires to a log cabin on the shore of the lake and lives there for several months. Such people can spend part of their lives on staying alone so that, in fact, they can enjoy life fully. And they at the same time do not feel any fear of their voluntary solitude. Loneliness can be defined as physical isolation from other people, but it is not necessarily associated with sadness about it. On the other hand, loneliness is often associated as discomfort, awareness of oneself not only physically, but emotionally in complete isolation. Loneliness is characterized by a propensity to seek communication. For some people, this feeling can be so overwhelming that they develop a real phobia - a strong fear of being alone. Thus, loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than just a feeling of wanting to have a company or a desire to communicate with another person. This feeling that you are cut off, isolated from other people, when you feel the difficulty or even the impossibility of having any form of meaningful human contacts. Lonely people often feel completely devastated, so hard they endure this condition. Actual loneliness or even a phobia - that is, in addition to everything else, fear of loneliness - can plunge many people into uncertainty, anxiety and depression. If such a phobia is typical for you, then you can constantly need someone's presence, at any moment you will want people around you constantly. Of course, all of us throughout our lives need, to one degree or another, other people; but if you feel that you can not stay alone for a minute, then this need (and in fact a phobia) begins to control you. As we have already said, "being one" for different people means completely different things. It is very important to assess the size of your fear and to what extent your phobia controls you and your behavior. For example, it is important to note whether your fear contains any social elements: is the phobia related to the problems of violence against your personality and whether you focus on one particular person or some particular type of person, or do you all equally, who will be in the immediate vicinity of you. Clinical and research data support the fact that too often one of the main reasons for the fear of loneliness is the unstable relationship between a man and a woman. Any good psychologist knows that relationships that are based on fear are destined to become unhappy. This happens for many reasons. Usually, the fear of loneliness causes one of the partners to have a constant desire to see the other side by side, which brings a certain tension in the relationship and makes the innocent second partner suffer. On the other hand, it is not uncommon for women to continue living with a man whom she should have abandoned long ago. Perhaps he is too despotic, or he is an alcoholic, or just a terry womanizer. But she is afraid to remain in perfect solitude - they say, who do I need now, at all - and continues to suffer the present state of things. Of course, you can not call her happy, although she is not alone. In the first and in the second case, deep levels of emotional intimacy with each other can hardly arise between partners. Fear of loneliness has a number of names - autophobia, isolophobia and monophobia. In fact, all these are different names for the same state. This phobia significantly affects the quality of human life. It separates close people and business partners, can cause panic attacks and brings general chaos into the life of a person suffering from this phobia. Symptoms of an attack of this condition usually include shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat rhythm, sweating, nausea and a general sense of fear; although everyone suffering from this phobia is afraid of loneliness in its own way and can have different symptoms.
What causes loneliness and fear of loneliness
People can experience loneliness in many waysreasons, and many events in our life are associated with loneliness. So, the feeling of loneliness is the most common reaction to divorce and the break or loss of any important long-term relationship. In these cases, loneliness can be associated with both the loss of a particular person and with the exit from the social circle, which is caused by this event or the subsequent sense of sadness and depression. Loneliness can be a response to specific situations or events, such as death or the prolonged absence of a loved one. This feeling can also flood after the birth of a child, marriage or after any significant, and sometimes even not very significant event in life. Fear of loneliness can arise because of a number of other reasons. Career and family relationships are the two most common reasons. Someone is so keen on the prospect of career growth that completely forgets about the need to build a personal life and ultimately remains without a family. If men are satisfied with this state of affairs, the woman will eventually begin to experience an acute sense of loneliness. Someone may find themselves in isolation because his environment rejects him, for example, due to lack of appearance, excess weight or belonging to another race. As a result, such people begin to suffer from fear that they will remain lonely for life. Many begin to feel lonely when they get to a new place - for example, children who move to a new school or move to another district where they do not know anyone. People with family problems - such as lack of emotional connection between partners - can also suffer from loneliness and uncertainty. The consequences of loneliness and fear of loneliness can be very difficult. They can lead to already mentioned bouts of panic, depression, suicide, alcoholism and drug addiction, as well as to acute and chronic diseases. Chronic loneliness (unlike normal, which we each feel from time to time) can be associated with an increased risk of death from cancer, as well as stroke and cardiovascular disease. People who are in social isolation also tell doctors about the poor quality of sleep, which, in turn, leads to a disruption in the recovery processes in the body. But, fortunately, there are ways with which you can control the fear of loneliness - and then the phobia retreats or does not have a chance to develop at all.
Management of the fear of loneliness
To cope with the fear of loneliness, youshould find for themselves an activity that you really like. This will help to divert your attention from everyday worries. It would be much better if you were doing your favorite thing in circles or clubs, where you can meet many people with similar interests. Unfortunately, many people who are overcome by this phobia, in essence, are introverts. That is, they tend to choose solitary activity. Nevertheless, for any person, friendly relations have always been a very desirable factor. Therefore, one must be honest with oneself and admit that seclusion will not bring relief. If you make an effort and start communicating with people who have interests similar to yours, it will make you much happier! In addition, it will increase your chances of meeting many new friends, and this, in turn, will create the conditions for developing a closer relationship with one of them. Pets can also become your companions, able to dispel the feeling of loneliness. Many widowed people, children who are already adults and live their own lives, take care of one or more pets, because they can help lonely people feel needed for someone. And you can offer your help to someone who can benefit from your free time or some talent. By helping other people, you can experience a sense of satisfaction and pride in yourself; In addition, such help can lead to a new friendship. Of course, loneliness is not fun at all, but you must remember that there are worse things. For example, you can "get stuck" in unhealthy relationships, which sometimes can be very difficult to stop. Such a life can make you feel so unhappy that you will dream of being alone, as a real deliverance from suffering, because you can not escape from the situation for personal or financial reasons. Agree, from the point of view of such a captive of life circumstances, loneliness may not seem such a bad thing! Perhaps the most important factor in combating the fear of loneliness is the understanding that you are the person who can manage your own fear. You need to know how to control your inner world, learn to love yourself and get connected with your own "I". And if you find a real friend for you is almost impossible, then at least you should know how to use yourself for the benefit of your own company. Instead of thinking with fear or sadness that you are compelled to remain alone again, you must believe that you yourself want to be alone, because that is how you can get in touch with the most important person in the whole universe - with yourself. Remember that loneliness is a situation that you can change, and it does not have to be permanent at all. You should not expect that the problem of solitude will be resolved by itself and at the same time ideally quickly; everything will happen in a reasonable time. Only you must try to establish a complete mutual understanding with yourself. Use this time when you do not need to be distracted by anyone else, in order to develop useful habits - exercise and proper, healthy food. It is also important to ensure that every night you can safely and well sleep, to always maintain the necessary balance between your physical and emotional state. Once you make the necessary adjustments to your life, you will be physically and emotionally active, one day you will be much surprised to find that the fear of loneliness has melted without leaving a trace. Of course, now, when the phobia still disturbs you, you should not fantasize about what will happen tomorrow, and all your fears will disappear, as if by a magic wand. And then come, they say, life without any grief. No, of course, it does not happen! And by itself nothing happens, and no one can have an ideal life. Do not engage in empty dreams, and tune in to work on yourself. Tune in to the fact that you need to temper your character and develop resistance to various everyday troubles, which in our lives can not always be avoided. And the very first thing you need to do now is to fill your life with positive thoughts; they will be able to ward off the dark clouds that are trying so hard to thicken over you now! We advise you to read: