Self-esteem is our perception of ourselves. We can set ourselves a "five" and seem "the most charming and attractive," but we can put "deuces" and reproach for constant setbacks. Of course, in the first and second cases, our attitude towards ourselves can be biased, however, as practice shows, people with high self-esteem live better, achieve great successes and generally feel happier. The explanation is very simple: how you treat your personality and present it, shapes the perception of you by society. Respect and love your "I"? This means that others will look at you that way. Otherwise, your negative perception of yourself will cause other people's attitude. Therefore, the secrets of how to raise self-esteem have recently become increasingly popular.
The main components of self-evaluation
What is the result of self-esteem? Everyone understands that it is not taken from nowhere. The origins of many psychological problems should be sought in the past person. As a rule, our self-esteem is a reflection of the I-concept, that is, what each of us thinks about himself, about his actions and about what he can do in the future. And it develops and is formed under the influence of various factors and circumstances. I-concept consists of three main parts:
- Informational. These are man's beliefs about himself, which usually concern some specific characteristics and characteristics. And they do not necessarily have to manifest and 100% match the truth every second of the time. It is, rather, more permanent knowledge. For example, you consider yourself beautiful. And from the fact that at some point in time you get sick and lie in bed with an unwashed head and squelching nose, this belief does not lose its sense and relevance. Simply now you are not in the best shape, but when you recover, you will immediately put yourself in order.
- Behavioral. Whatever you consider yourself, there is an objective reality, and in the case of mental health (and we hope that you have it fully), it must be taken into account. This is the most objective part of your self-concept - what you do in fact, what you achieve. There is no place for illusions - there is only you and the results of your interaction with the world.
- Estimated. Basically, when we talk about treating ourselves as individuals, we have in mind precisely this part of the I-concept. It includes how you yourself perceive certain features and characteristics of your character, because they may or may not like you. And often we are too self-critical without objective reasons.
As a rule, self-assessment is based on threebasic actions. And the first of these is the ratio of your ideals to who you really are. The best option is when there is a small gap between them. If it is significant, and I-the real does not reach the I-ideal, there are two answers to the question of how to raise one's self-esteem and fall in love with one's self: either try to be better and more successful, or lower the bar of expectations about oneself. Next comes the correlation of personal perceptions with expectations from others. It happens that you, in general, like yourself, but your parents think that you have achieved very little in life, but could have done much more. When a person says it once, there is nothing to worry about, but when you hear such words throughout your conscious life, it can turn into a collapse of self-esteem. The final effect is the perception of the effectiveness of its activities in various fields. It's very sad, but being an excellent boss and a business lady, you can do nothing at home and consider yourself a bad wife and mother. And this also affects your self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to correctly prioritize. As you can see, we have a lot of reasons for low self-esteem. Sometimes it even gives the impression that the whole world is just doing what is trying to hurt us: it does not work out at work, personal life does not go well, parents "saw" and so on. But still really want that this did not happen, and we still remained the best and wonderful! And because we have to live in the existing realities, it is sometimes necessary to work on the right feeling in them.
Why is our self-esteem collapsing?
Before finding the answer to the question of howincrease self-esteem, you need to understand what was the reason for its decline. After all, this does not happen by itself: probably, some of your actions, your way of thinking, your living conditions, contributed to the fact that at a certain stage you stopped respecting yourself, and self-confidence suddenly evaporated. So, what mistakes, which subsequently underestimate self-esteem, are peculiar to people and why they lead to such pitiable results? The first mistake: forget about your own desires for the sake of the interests of others. People who are used to and willing to sacrifice their needs for the sake of others' needs are certainly very comfortable. They are comfortable with them, because you can shamelessly use their help. But few people are interested in the inner state of the "sacrificer" himself. Over time, he, that is, you have the feeling that your own life is needed only to create comfort for someone, but not to yourself. In addition, the feeling of resentment gradually accumulates, as well as the feeling that you are not respected. This is quite fair, because the people around you are so used to accepting sacrifices on your part that they consider it to be something self-evident. And when one day you get tired of doing good, putting everyone in the shoulder and waiting for you to be finally appreciated, people do not understand your "demarche." All this does not benefit the self-esteem, so do not try to be for everyone a kind sorceress or silent martyr. Admit it, because you know the situation in which a friend asks you to lend her money for another new thing, and you can not refuse, although you perfectly understand that such actions infringe on one's own interests? For example, deprive yourself of the opportunity to go to a beauty salon to change an annoyed image, undergo a massage course or treat yourself to something else. Overcome the inner barrier and firmly say: "Sorry, I now do not have extra money!". So you will take the first step towards raising self-esteem. Error two: apologize for everything, everyone and everything. Ability and desire to ask for forgiveness for their own actions, which you, alas or not, caused inconvenience to others, of course, very good quality. But do not apologize for other people. After all, thereby you take responsibility for their actions on yourself. And over time, you have an incomprehensible sense of guilt, which, becoming an eternal companion, and forms an underestimated self-esteem. Certainly, grief and misery need to be able to share with close people. But in fact unpleasant life situations are often caused by someone else's irresponsibility, so why take a part of it yourself? Remember, in the school years, the control work you wrote was rated "five", and the girlfriend, whom you bestowed generously from the best intentions to write off, got a "troika"? She was offended and angry with you, and you felt very guilty, although they could not explain why. Well, who could have guessed that a friend could not write off without making mistakes? Therefore, if in an adult life you still experience an inexplicable sense of guilt, it means that you need to reconsider your attitude to many controversial points, forgive yourself and live on, freed from a load of incomprehensible and alien responsibility. It is important to understand that the world exists according to its laws, people in it act according to their own convictions, therefore it is impossible to control and take into account everything in advance. Learn to answer only for yourself, which will have the most favorable effect on your underestimated self-esteem. Error three: maximalism and the absence of halftones. This perception of self is forgiven for insecure adolescents. But adult successful women simply have to be different. Contrary to the popular belief that life is like a zebra, because it consists of white and black stripes, learn to see halftones and shades. After all, there is nothing ideal in the world, so do not take your mistakes as a tragedy of a universal scale. Maximalism in relation to self destroys self-esteem, if something suddenly goes wrong, as it should on the perfect picture you created. Remember, in the lessons of mathematics, the teacher gave a difficult task and said that she has several solutions, and all of them are correct? So in life: almost any situation involves at least two ways out of it. Finding the optimal solution is what you need to focus on. And lovers of thickening paint do not want to see any and only lament: "Oh, what a loser I am! What to do? This is the end!". Well, why? Sometimes people get into even more serious reworkings and with honor get out of them, because they understand that everything in life is relative: today it's worse, tomorrow it will get better, and the day after tomorrow everything will turn right. Therefore, be tolerant of yourself and adapt ideals to reality. The fourth mistake: constant comparison of oneself with other people. It is important to understand that we are all individual in terms of character, level of intellect, way of thinking, feelings and attitude. Therefore, the successes and achievements of some should not serve as the only possible benchmark for others. A simple example: a girl from your environment suddenly discovered the talent of a writer and released a book; another friend made a career as a dancer, and a classmate in general became a candidate of science in the field of psychology. What should you feel if you have an underestimated self-esteem? Correctly, envy, awareness of one's own imperfection and self-flagellation torment for lack of such talents. But if you understand, then for sure there is something that is given to you better than the rest. For example, you prepare perfectly, embroider pictures or write poetry. The whole problem is that your friends did not hesitate to make their talents sense of life, and yours remained at the level of hobbies. Therefore, do not judge yourself as a person who is somehow deprived or disadvantaged and therefore not able to succeed, like others. Look for your calling and do not lose your individuality, being equal to others. Remember that any work or creativity only makes sense when it brings joy to you first. What would happen if a portrait painter compared his talent with the skill to paint landscapes? Yes, nothing good, except for the spoiled canvases and feelings of dissatisfaction. So always do what works best for you, do not be afraid to follow the dream and do not look at what and in what area others have reached. Fifth mistake: love of sad tales. No, it's not about stories for children. It happens that low self-esteem provokes people to seek out something that will make you forget about your own failures for a while. But these are not attempts to shift attention to some kind of joyful events. No, you begin to look around in search of even more sad situations, so that yours on their background seemed less sad. Or simply inventing life "tales", in which there is no place for a happy end. It would seem that this is bad? And the fact that your self-esteem suffers, because you knowingly program yourself negative. But you also tell sad stories to other people, which can quite cause such a reaction on their part, as an unwillingness to communicate with you. Indeed, life does not really pamper many of us with happy events, and here you are with your stories. So do not be surprised if in one, very much not even perfect, the moment suddenly find that you have no one to talk to. And this will further lower your self-esteem. Try to carry a positive, then the people around will be drawn to you, and you will like yourself much more.
Learning to Love Yourself
Many people turn to a psychologist with a question abouthow to raise self-esteem. However, in some cases, when the client continues to resist and still continues to consider himself to be bad, the specialist is powerless. Therefore, the most important factor in raising self-esteem is your own desire and enthusiasm. Add to them the regular execution of our advice - and voila! In half the cases, you can solve this problem yourself without consulting a psychologist. So, how to love yourself and raise self-esteem without help? Do not seek to meet the expectations of others. Firstly, all people will not please, and secondly, it is simply impossible to adapt to everyone, because then it will not be you anymore. Certainly, one's wishes should be taken into account, but only take into account, and not blindly reshape under them all his life. So learn to filter out other people's expectations about you. Get a notebook, in which you put everything that others around you have been waiting for. Analyze records and leave what you accept and with what you agree, but from what is alien to you, simply refuse. To facilitate the sorting process, listen to yourself: if in response to someone's expectations you have anger and protest, then this is superfluous, which is better to tell a person right away so that he does not have unnecessary illusions on your account. Realistically assess your current capabilities. You can set any goals before yourself, just try to adequately assess the resources that you have at the moment. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a millionaire. But to scold yourself and call a loser for the fact that you have not accumulated a fortune in 25 years, it is not worth it. After all, this is a manifestation of disrespect for yourself. Lower the bar and set goals corresponding to your current capabilities. And when they reach, put the following. And so in everything. Regularly mark your successes and analyze the failures. If you say to yourself: "I'm a failure. I can not do anything! "- Again, a notepad for records is useful. In it, record what exactly you do not add up, as well as the specific and objective reasons for this. It's possible that in some of your failures, it's not you, but circumstances or someone else that is to blame. And be sure to record your successes, even the smallest, for example, "cooked a delicious coffee" and "beautifully laid out things on the table." At the end of the day, reread. Watch your appearance. After all, we are women, and our self-esteem largely depends on our inner self-awareness. And, you see, it happens differently: when you are uncombed and in a home dressing gown - this is one thing, and when at the parade and on the heels - quite another. Therefore, wear beautiful clothes, do makeup, watch your posture and gait. This is the easiest way to raise self-esteem, without unnecessary difficulties and interference from outside. Perceive your failures as points of growth. All people make mistakes, but only self-confident people see in them recommendations for further action, and not a reproach to themselves. "Yes, I was mistaken, but I will try to correct what is possible, and take into account the results of my actions in the future in such a way as to do something else better" - it is with such thoughts that you let go of your failures. Communicate with good people. Try to limit as much as possible contacts with those who constantly criticize you, but ask friends and relatives to give you more positive feedback (only objective!). Let them tell you compliments about your appearance, notice your successes and generally charge you with a positive, because they are close people! We advise you to read: