Interpersonal conflicts most often occur infamily. And this is not surprising, because it is in the family that the closest contacts between people occur. And at the same time, each family member wants to live in accordance with their own ideas and views, and it is not always possible to correlate them with the habits and beliefs of other family members. This is the basis for family conflicts. From time to time, spouses, parents and children, or middle-aged and older people find themselves on different sides of the "barricade". Conflict can occur not only when family members have different views and beliefs. Sometimes confrontation occurs when people cannot understand each other and because of this come to the wrong conclusion. This gives rise to claims and grievances, and it is not always possible to resolve the problem peacefully. And what else can cause a tense situation leading to a quarrel?

Common causes of family conflicts

Leo Tolstoy wisely noted that “…every"An unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Each of us could give examples of this. This is what concerns unhappiness. The same is true of conflicts - their causes in different families can be completely different. Even the very passage of a marriage through different stages of its existence can create conflict situations. What types of stages of family development can be called crisis ones?

• The period of "grinding in" when the newlyweds learn to live like a married couple;
• Birth of the first child and mastering the role of mom and dad;
• Birth of subsequent children;
• When a child goes to school;
• Children enter adolescence;
• Growing up of children and leaving the parental home;
• The crisis of middle age of spouses;
• The couple's retirement

Each of these stages can create differentstressful situations, which in turn can serve as a potential cause of family conflict. Changes in family status and family affairs can also contribute to the emergence of tension. This can be:

• Divorce or separation of spouses;
• Moving to a new place of residence;
• Long distance trips and long trips;
• The need to work in another state;
• Change in the financial situation of the family

So it turns out that family conflicts and theirThe reasons may be completely different. The attitude towards each other, the values ​​and needs of each family member may change over time, and they may feel incompatible with the others.

Types of confrontations within the family

Psychologists distinguish different types of family conflicts:

Actually conflicts. Even in a happy and healthy, normally functioning family, quarrels occur from time to time. Confrontations can be caused by the discrepancy between the views and goals of different family members. Conflicts can be resolved, and then they do not threaten the stability of family ties. Contradictions in the family can arise at all levels, that is, brothers and sisters, spouses, and also parents and children can quarrel among themselves.

Tension. Psychologists call tension long-standing, unresolved conflicts. They can be obvious and open, but they can be just temporarily depressed. In any case, they accumulate and cause negative emotions, leading to constant irritability, aggression and dislike, which eventually causes loss of contact between family members.

A crisis. One can talk about it when the conflict and tension have reached a stage in which all the negotiating models that have been in effect so far are beginning to fail, and, consequently, the real needs of individuals or a whole group of household members remain chronically unsatisfied. Crises often lead to disorganization of the family, that is, certain obligations of the spouses to each other or the duties of the parents towards children cease to be properly performed. And the disorganization of the family, in turn, often ends with its disintegration.

These are the main types of conflicts. But what can cause them? What rough spots in relationships between close people can lead to disaster?

Search for "faults" in relationships within the family

Family conflicts and their causes are always closely relatedare interconnected. We are ready to provide, although not a complete, but a detailed list of those shortcomings in intra-family relationships that can significantly affect both the quality of relationships and the further psychological well-being of the family. Here are some examples:

• Impossibility to express their feelings. In families with an unhealthy psychological climate, its members tend to hide their feelings and reject their manifestations by other people. They do this mainly in order to avoid mental pain and psychological trauma.
• Lack of communication. In dysfunctional families, there is very rarely an open communication between relatives. If family conflicts arise, family members begin to avoid each other, emotionally moving away and locking themselves in.
• Manifestations of anger. If there are any problems, the unhealthy family tries to hide them, instead of facing face to face and trying to solve them. In such a family there is often a debate about who is responsible for the occurrence of a particular problem, and such disputes often lead to outbursts of anger and even to the use of force. Such relations cause complete chaos and cause the participants in the conflict to become deaf to other people's feelings. Prevention and resolution of family conflicts at this stage of the relationship become very difficult.
• Fuzzy boundaries of "personal territory". In dysfunctional families, relations are unstable, chaotic. Some family members suppress the rest, not respecting their individuality. Such a violation of personal borders can lead not only to a conflict, but also to actions that can be described as "family violence".
• Manipulation. Manipulators express their anger and frustration with the only way they can: they try to pressure others to make them feel guilty and ashamed. So they try to get others to do what the manipulators themselves want.
• Negative attitude to life and to each other. In some families, everyone treats the others with some suspicion and distrust. They do not know what optimism is, and they, as a rule, have absolutely no sense of humor. Relatives have very few common interests and rarely find a common theme for conversation.
• Weak relations. It also happens that family members understand that something is going wrong, but they do not have the courage to try something and start acting somehow in a new way. This creates great difficulties in the relationship, the family can not feel free to develop as individuals. They prefer to live by the past, because in the present they can not cope with negative changes.
• Social isolation. For the most part, members of a psychologically unhealthy family are single. They are isolated from each other, and all their relationships develop (if they have not yet lost the ability to develop interpersonal relationships) outside the family. Most often, such isolation affects children growing up in a family with unhealthy relationships. Sometimes antisocial behavior becomes characteristic of them, which eventually leads to even greater personal isolation - in such a situation, even friends do not remain.
• Stress and psychosomatic diseases. Unexplained emotions can adversely affect health and cause psychosomatic illnesses. Such a person gradually loses energy and can no longer take care of the family, as before. As a rule, he does not even realize that he is unwell; it is not surprising that his relatives do not understand this either. They perceive his apathy as indifference to the problems of the family, and this serves as a trigger for conflicts. But the real definition of these conflicts is a simple misunderstanding!

If you find at least one in your relationshipof the above-mentioned signs of impending trouble, then there is no need to panic; but it is very much worth drawing serious conclusions and trying to improve your relationship! Prevention and resolution of family conflicts largely depend on your desire to find a common language with your loved ones. Although, to be fair, it must be said that desire alone is still not enough. You also need to know how exactly you can resolve the conflict and establish healthy relationships. This is what we will talk about now, taking into account the different types of conflicts.

Conflict of generations

Human relationships in general are one ofthe most difficult mysteries in life. The relationship between generations is no exception. The main difficulty that arises in communication between household members of different ages is that each of them is a “product” of a completely different time. Each generation was formed in a different environment, and this creates a huge gap between them. That is why the attitude to even the simplest things in life is completely different, and this is precisely the peculiarity of family conflicts between generations. Want an example? Here you go! Most of our grandparents, as a rule, keep completely useless (from our point of view) things, because in their time these things were very difficult to buy. And we, their grandchildren, on the contrary, are very easy-going about things and often exchange still completely usable things for newer and more modern ones - and this is because we were brought up in a time that fits the definition of “the era of consumers”. The rapid development of technology makes the gap between generations even greater. New technical devices appear so quickly that older people simply do not have time to adapt to them. Although, to be fair, some grandparents are surprisingly flexible and start using these devices with pleasure. But for many, concepts like the Internet, mobile phones or MP3 players are completely abstract. And then they start grumbling: “How long can I sit in front of this computer?” - even if the person is earning money at the same time, because the Internet has given him the opportunity to get a remote job. We can hardly influence the factors that contribute to the gap between generations. But there is the most important reason why this gap becomes possible - it is our unwillingness to understand each other and communicate with each other. Let's say we have no time, every day is tense to the limit. We are busy and have to spin like squirrels in a wheel - is not this how we usually try to find an excuse for ourselves? But these are all just excuses! Yes, life is difficult today, yes, we have to earn money - all this is true; but the one who truly loves and cares for his neighbor will find time for communication.

How can relations develop?

As we have already said, family conflicts betweenGenerational conflicts occur when there is a lack of understanding between different age groups and/or a lack of respect, usually from younger people towards older people. Younger people may have difficulty understanding that older people were young at one time, that they contributed to society, and that although they are less active due to their age, they are still intelligent and have a wealth of experience that can be useful to others. Older people may have difficulty accepting the behavior of some young people. They see that young people today have more opportunities than they once had, and that younger people do not have the difficulties that they once had. Older people cannot understand that young people today face different problems related to the peculiarities of modern society, and they cannot admit that these problems are also very difficult in their own way. But there are examples of generational conflicts that occur on other grounds. Some people may be irritated by having to take care of a sick elderly relative. They may love this person very much, but they have to constantly make sacrifices in their lives to realize this care. In addition, the older relative himself may feel guilty and will consider himself a burden to his family. This can lead to depression and serve as an additional source of complications in the relationship. Aging often brings with it discrimination or prejudice against people of a certain age, and this is the main cause of conflicts between generations.

Young grandparents

Here's another example for you:Young parents have children who grow up, start their own families, and have grandchildren. The birth of their first grandchildren usually takes many middle-aged people by surprise. They are not yet ready for a new role, because they live their own, full and active lives, and are still full of ambitions. And daughters or sons, having started families and given birth to a child, suddenly realize that they have been tied hand and foot at the wrong time. They still need to study, they need to work, and youth takes its toll - they want to continue communicating with friends, go to the movies, run to dances, go on an excursion ... And conflicts begin. Young people do not understand that all responsibility for raising a child lies only with them, it is hard for them to be locked within four walls. They also do not understand that grandfathers and grandmothers are also full of energy, they have some of their own plans, and at this age almost all "ancestors" are still working. Another example is the complete opposite of the first. A grandmother is drawn to her grandchildren, but her daughter-in-law does not let her mess around with them. All the mother-in-law's advice is rejected because the daughter-in-law does not agree with it. And this applies not only to children. Habits and rules in different families can differ even in small things, not to mention more important issues. And conflicts often start with small things... Here's another example: the mother-in-law always served her son a bun spread with butter for breakfast. And the young daughter-in-law, most likely, advocates for healthy eating, and therefore transferred her husband to yogurts. The mother-in-law will worry that her son remains hungry, and the daughter-in-law will be nervous that her mother-in-law is ruining her husband's health. Discontent will accumulate, and one day it will develop into a conflict.

How to solve these problems?

The coexistence of generations does not have anyfixed rules, but a solution to the problem can still be found. The most important thing on which the prevention and resolution of family conflicts between people of different ages is based is the ability and desire to clarify different points of view, experiencing the situation taking into account the interests of both parties. How can we better understand each other if we are so different? How can we make others more sensitive to the situation? And how can we help people expand their understanding of youth and old age? Everything depends on the specific situation and the specific family. Here are the main "tools" with which you can correct a difficult situation:

Identification of the problem;

Clarification of the reason for the position taken and the manifestation of empathy (empathy);

Taking measures to resolve the conflict;

Changing attitudes to this situation: understanding the position of the opposing party removes possible conflicts in the future. Understanding is the best prevention of conflicts.

Children and conflict

The examples given are, of course, not exhaustive.all possible types of conflicts between generations. Growing children also often become a source of conflicts. The transitional age alone – even in quite prosperous families – how many problems it brings with it! True, we will not consider the prevention of conflicts between parents and teenagers now, this is a separate topic. But we cannot help but say that any quarrel between parents has a strong negative impact on the child. Even if the child is very small and does not yet understand anything of what adults say, he begins to cry almost immediately after the parents begin to quarrel. Children perceive the raised tones of parental conversation as a threat to their well-being. Those children who are older also perceive parental conflicts very painfully. And what if the children themselves are the culprits of the conflict? What if they are at fault, and they themselves have to be scolded and punished? Of course, life is life, a conflict can arise at any moment, and it is not always possible to protect our children from the negative influence of stress. And here the prevention of nervous diseases in children comes to the forefront. How, you ask? You need to learn how to quarrel correctly. And you need to scold your children correctly, too. This means that parents should not resort to humiliation and ridicule, should never use foul language or allow physical violence, even if it is only a slap in the face or a slap on the back of the head. This also means that rational arguments should be used during a conflict. Parents should never forget that children learn from them every minute how to behave and communicate with other people, so even in a moment of greatest anger, you should not set a bad example for them. In addition, after a quarrel with your offspring, you need to find an opportunity to reconcile with him, and you must express your love for the child. Your child should feel that everything is fine, the crisis has passed, and he is still dear to you.

Settlement of family conflicts

Prevention, warning and resolution of family conflicts depend on your attitude towards them. First of all, learn how to act correctly during a quarrel:

• Identify the problem. Clearly and calmly discuss it with the household, paying attention to your tone and the words that you choose to express your feelings;
• Discuss the problem identified;
• If the discussion becomes heated and begins to develop into a quarrel, take a break so that everyone can cool down and return to a calm discussion;
• Think of a solution to the problem and collectively coordinate it;
• Apply your decision to practice. You must act in accordance with the decision, in order for the conflict to be truly exhausted.

Today, for some reason, family is not a priority.Business, success and money have become the number one goal for many. But we must pay attention to the most important thing in our lives – our family and friends. Everything else can wait. Only then will family conflict become a very rare “guest” in your home. We recommend reading:

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