Love is the basis of life itself.Thanks to it, new people are born, it makes us change and become better. But the most important love is a person's love for himself. Only by accepting ourselves and feeling respect, we can live a full life and be happy. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and sometimes it seems to a person that it is absolutely impossible to love oneself.

How do we not like ourselves?

How can you know that you don’t love yourself, how does this manifest itself?

• When you face even a small problem, you are panic-stricken, and the world narrows to the extent of this very trouble;
• The obsessive desire of everyone to love you;
• Constant self-flagellation and guilt;
• Excessive dependence on the opinions of others and a desire to hear praise from them in their address;
• Low professional self-esteem, manifested in that, even being a first-class specialist in your field, you think that someone can work better than you;
• Any criticism is perceived as an insult;
• Willingness to work "for wear," lack of attention to oneself and one's condition;
• A keen sense of self-pity;
• Own thoughts and ideas seem absolutely useless and meaningless;
• The desire to achieve the ideal in order to please everyone;
• Unwillingness to seek help and an exceptionally independent solution to all possible problems;
• Dislike for your body;
• The desire to be inconspicuous for everyone and not ready to report their own discomfort;
• Inability to say no.

This is how long the list turned out to be.Moreover, it can be expanded to infinity, because there can be a great many manifestations of self-loathing. Each of us can have our own peculiarities in this regard. By the way, self-loathing does not always permeate all spheres of human life: sometimes it manifests itself more in the professional sphere, sometimes - in the personal.

The reasons for not loving oneself

In order to understand how to love yourself,it is necessary to understand the origins of this hostility. Most often, the roots of many of our problems “grow” from childhood. And this is not surprising, because every small child is essentially a blank slate, which over time is filled thanks to the efforts and actions of others. In our souls, these two roles remain forever: a small child who longs for love and understanding from relatives, and an adult who scolds and controls us. And everything would be fine, since these two parts quite balance each other. However, if a child has problems in childhood, he is constantly scolded and criticized, then he looks for the cause of all these troubles in himself. And comes to the conclusion that he is simply bad. But if he were good, then everything would be different. Thus, the child begins to reject some of his own traits. This is how the seeds of self-loathing fall into the soil of our soul and begin to sprout. In some cases, parents try to realize their own dreams and expectations at the expense of the child, which are not destined to come true. They do not understand how to love themselves without this, and, accordingly, they try to raise a “normal” person from the baby, because this is the only way they can feel sympathy for him. For example, your mother dreamed all her life that you would get married and raise children, but you chose a career. It is logical that now you feel uncomfortable, because you did not please your mother, and she considers you a bad daughter. And sometimes we do not correspond to society and the spirit of the times. The modern world is arranged in such a way that we all, by and large, try to be like each other and compete in our success. And if any person stands out from this human stream, then there is a high probability that he will not be able to love himself. If we take the same example with marriage and career, then girls who do not want to chase success in our society, because they prefer to cook borscht for their husbands, may have difficulties accepting their own values. Finally, sometimes we drive ourselves into such conditions from which it is impossible to get out. We set the bar for ourselves, which even Michael Jordan and Steve Jobs could not reach - and we try! For example, a person wants to earn a lot of money (why?) and he goes to work for a large corporation with the corresponding attitude to employees and working conditions. After a year of variable success, he begins to slowly gnaw at himself for not being able to become an exemplary "office plankton". Although it is generally unclear why he needs this. Another reason why many people develop a dislike for themselves is the experience of failure. Unfortunately, not all of our undertakings end in success: a project can be rejected, a favorite flower can wither, and a beloved man can break up with you. And in this case, the temptation to plunge into guilt up to your ears and indulge in self-flagellation for a long, long time is very great. After serious failures it can be very difficult to love yourself and start doing things again, but without this you are doomed to a very unhappy life.

How to love yourself?

With the causes and manifestations everything may be clear,However, the question of how to love yourself still remains open. But only you can solve it, because your self-esteem depends on your state of mind. Psychologists have developed a number of tips and recommendations that will be useful and interesting to anyone, regardless of their self-perception and worldview. Advantages and successes You may say that you don’t really have anything to love yourself for. This is not surprising, since you only notice failures and shortcomings in yourself. It is not known who and when instilled this habit in you, but the fact remains - it greatly hinders you in life. But it is absolutely not necessary to feel hostility and disgust towards yourself for the rest of your days! How to love yourself if you do nothing? You can’t! Therefore, start being active in the direction that you like most: work, hobbies, personal life. If at first you encounter failures, then you should not be upset - Give yourself the right to make mistakes, because you are doing this for the first time. And with your first success, rejoice and record this fact in the list of your personal achievements. Write down even mere trifles, for example, “I didn’t yell at a rude woman on the trolleybus” or “I refrained from eating a second cake”. Be sure to make a list of all your strengths and qualities that distinguish you from everyone else. Just turn off criticism and evaluate yourself as if from the outside, like a stranger. It will soon become clear that you are pretty, smart, etc. ... Do not forget to refer to these lists at least once a day and charge yourself with love for yourself from them. Feelings In our culture, the manifestation of such feelings as resentment, anger, rage, sadness is condemned. We get used to hiding them and gradually become disappointed in our body, which for some reason strives to experience these emotions. Therefore, it is very important to learn to allow yourself to feel what you feel, as well as to express these emotions correctly. For example, you are offended by your friend. Out of habit, you want to immediately hide this emotion deeper, and even shame yourself for its appearance. But you do not need to do this! Emotions are natural and arbitrary, and if we react to some event with them, it probably deserved it. Your friend really offended you, and you have the right to express this to her. Perhaps she could not even imagine how unpleasant her behavior is for you. Or, maybe, it is convenient for her to “wipe her feet on you”, but then you should think about why you need such a friend? Affirmations There is one excellent psychological tool that gradually teaches us to love ourselves. It is called affirmations. Its essence lies in pronouncing special verbal formulas that program our consciousness for positive thinking and perception. Using these formulas just a few times a day, you can achieve noticeable improvements within a month. Example of positive affirmations:

• I am the most charming and attractive;
• The world is open to me, and I achieve success in everything;
• I have a beautiful body;
• I give people joy and light;
• The source of inspiration is within me;
• I love and appreciate myself;

These statements are only a sample —In fact, there are an infinite number of different affirmations. The most important thing when using them is to generate positive energy and joy within you. And, of course, regularity. You need to devote time and effort to this activity, and not say them hastily - only then will the affirmations gain strength in your soul. Visualization Another psychological exercise is aimed at achieving the desired state, that is, self-love. Your task is to imagine in all details what will happen when you love yourself. We have prepared questions that will help you evoke the desired image with all the details:

• What will you wake up in the morning?
• How will you look?
• What will be your gait and gestures?
• What will you do every day?
• What will not you do?
• What will be your speech?
• Where and how will you live?
• Who will you work with?
• What will your man and girlfriend be like?
• What will you do in your spare time?
• What features do you have in comparison with today?

After answering these and other questions, imagineсебе эту картинку. Рассмотрите ее со всех сторон. Добавьте к образу запахи и звуки. Погрузитесь в него и побудьте в этой жизни короткий отрезок времени — хотя бы пять минут. После этого выйдите из него и прислушайтесь к себе и своим внутренним ощущениям. Регулярно выполняя это упражнение, вы постепенно будете становиться той, кого вы представляете — уверенной и любящей себя. Изменения Но любовь к себе вовсе не предполагает смирения и принятия тех качеств, которые, очевидно, портят вам жизнь и мешают достижению счастья. Это, скорее, о том, как принимать в себе те черты, которые кажутся плохими, но на деле такими не являются. Как отделить зерна от плевел? Вам следует проанализировать, откуда у вас берется желание избавиться от того или иного качества. Если причина — в предположительном осуждении со стороны окружающих и в правилах типа “надо, и все”, то, вероятно, речь идет о нелюбви к себе и заниженной самооценке. А вот если вам действительно мешают те или иные особенности — например, лишний вес или привычка совать нос куда не надо — то, пожалуй, стоит от них избавиться. Для этого как можно более подробно распишите на листе бумаги проявления столь раздражающей вас черты характера. Добавьте графу, включающую в себя описание негативных последствий ваших действий. Подумайте и проанализируйте, зачем вы так себя ведете (возможно, вам становится спокойнее или лениво предпринимать какие-либо действия). Наконец, набросайте подробный план того, как вы могли бы все изменить. И не забывайте неукоснительно следовать ему! Принятие К сожалению, не все ваши черты можно изменить — по крайней мере, бескровно. Да и было бы печально, если бы человек мог поменять любую несимпатичную ему мелочь — наверняка тогда наш мир состоял бы из миллиардов идеальных киборгов. Согласитесь, не очень-то интересно жить в таких условиях! Однако делать что-то со своей нелюбовью к себе и своим отдельным чертам нужно. И ключиком в данном случае является принятие. В конце концов, никто из нас не идеален, и вы можете иметь какие-либо недостатки. В некоторых случаях они даже придают вам индивидуальность и неповторимый шарм. Поэтому любите себя такой, какая вы есть, ведь если бы чего-то у вас не было, это бы были уже не вы. Груз прошлого Он тяготит многих из нас. Особенно хорошо это видно на примере отношений с мужчинами: как мы не доверяем новым партнерам из-за обманов старых, ожидаем от них подобной предыдущим линии поведения, да и просто плохо думаем о них. Все это — наш отрицательный багаж, и у некоторых людей его настолько много, что он мешает не только жить, но и просто любить себя. Из головы не уходит мысль: “Если все это случилось в моей жизни, значит, со мной что-то не так”. Далеко не всегда это соответствует истине. Например, ваши первые связи с мужчинами вовсе не показательны для отношений вообще, ибо тогда у вас просто не было опыта для оценки и прогнозирования ситуации. В дальнейшем именно вы сделали их своей нормой, забыв о том, что может быть иначе. В этом нет вашей вины — так устроен человек. Но вы можете проанализировать свои ошибки и исправить их — в частности, если будете откликаться на другой тип мужчин. В любом случае, стоит отпустить этот негативный опыт и начать жить заново. Иногда искусство любви к себе может показаться очень сложной наукой, однако это не так. Мы привыкаем ругать и порицать себя просто потому, что иногда хорошее отношение к тому, кто отражается в зеркале, может показаться постыдным. А это неправильно, ведь этот человек — самый близкий, надежный и родной. И уже за одно это его стоит полюбить всем сердцем и душой. Советуем почитать:

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