Someone very poetically named jealousya green-eyed monster. And indeed, this terrible feeling is like a monster - it devours from the inside, breaking lives and destroying relationships. How can you destroy jealousy in yourself, how can you fight it? This feeling is one of the first to arise in a person. The child has not yet learned to walk and talk properly, but already begins to claim ownership of parents, toys, and the free time of others. Remember how it happens:

• The boy in the garden has a beautiful typewriter, but I have a very old and broken one.
• Mom hugged my little sister, but I do not.
• Sashka is allowed to eat ice cream, and my mother says that I have a sore throat.
• The girlfriend has received a mark above. And all because she poured herself to the teacher.

Has anyone else experienced moments like this in childhood?silently and meekly, extinguishing the negative feeling in themselves. And someone broke the cars of a kindergarten friend, smeared Sasha with forbidden ice cream and beat up his little sister for excessive maternal love. And if in childhood these manifestations of jealousy, although they seemed ridiculous, were completely forgiven by parents and teachers, then in adulthood a jealous person is more like a neurasthenic. A person is jealous, torments others with suspicions, suffers himself and cannot figure out: where did this destructive feeling come from? So, what is jealousy and how to deal with it, what does it consist of? Let's put aside the childhood manifestation of possessiveness and talk about adult feelings. How is a suspicion of a spouse's infidelity expressed? What is behind this accusation? Jealousy is:

• fear of losing a partner;
• fear of being worse than someone (rival or rival);
• fear of loneliness;
• result of illness (alcoholism).

However, not everything is so clear-cut.There are mixed types of jealousy. That is, a person is afraid of losing a husband or wife, and does not want to be left alone with the feeling that someone turned out to be better. Therefore, you need to decide how to deal with jealousy based on the specific situation.

Types of jealousy

Types of jealousy can also be classified intodepending on the partner's character: Injured jealousy Occurs in people who are insecure. The cause is usually not the suspicious behavior of the spouse in the present time, but a lack of love and attention in childhood. How to deal with the jealousy of an insecure partner? Only by raising his (her) self-esteem. Take your husband (wife) to a psychologist to eliminate childhood problems, tell him (her) more often how much you love him (her). This type of jealousy is the most curable. But it is also the most common. Despotic (titanic) jealousy Occurs in powerful people who do not know how to take into account other people's feelings and desires. Despots believe that everything should revolve around them, and the partner should belong to them undividedly. It is almost impossible to deal with this type of jealousy, since the feelings of a jealous person are controlled by his (her) temperament, character traits. A person was born this way. And, unfortunately, it is impossible to completely change him (her). Reverse jealousy This is how jealous people are when they themselves have a "snout in the cannon". The spouse cheats on them and thinks that their partner does the same to them. Psychologists argue about the reasons that cause reverse jealousy. Some believe that jealousy of cheaters is caused by a feeling of guilt. Others believe that people simply judge by themselves. And if it was easy for them to step over their promises of fidelity, then it will be easy for their partner too. Here, the questions "how to deal with your jealousy" will not help. It is more appropriate to put on the agenda the problem "Why does the partner cheat?" Only a return to the faithful life of a husband or wife will help get rid of reverse jealousy. It must be admitted that 75% of men and only 25% of women fall into this category. And the point is not at all that men cheat more than women. It is just that a representative of the fair sex, with the help of adultery, increases her own self-esteem and, on the contrary, gets rid of all manifestations of jealousy. Whereas in this case, a man, looking at his mistress, projects her onto his wife and begins to think: "If she could do it, then mine is probably out somewhere too." Pathological (morbid) jealousy This is the most difficult type of jealousy. It occurs in alcoholics, drug addicts, schizophrenics and simply people with nervous disorders. When they fall into an altered state of consciousness (after getting drunk, taking a shot, etc.), they begin to look for a reason for conflict. The detonator is an acute feeling of guilt, hidden in the depths of the subconscious, for their failure and inferiority. The worst thing is that such jealousy is often aggressive. Often, the accused of cheating ends up in the hospital with beatings. And the victim of the accusations should leave the martyr or think about how to deal with the jealousy of an inadequate partner. But they, as a rule, falling into codependency, continue to endure waves of jealousy, uncontrollable aggression and numerous bullying. In this case, both partners need to be treated. And not only from jealousy, but also from bad habits and codependency.

If you are tormented by jealousy ...

If uncontrollable jealousy torments you, answer yourself a few questions:

• Do you fall under any of the descriptions given above?
• Whether your jealousy is justified (women have a very strong intuition of loyalty and partner's unfaithfulness);
• If yes, then how serious do you think it all looks? (Maybe your husband just liked his co-worker, and you are already putting her down as a mistress);
• What do you intend to do in the event that the accusations of treason are confirmed?

If you are a mother of three children who is sitting inmaternity leave, think carefully before throwing your husband's things out the door. Have you decided not to get a divorce? Then there's no point in talking about your guesses. Because your husband, feeling impunity, can go completely crazy. By the way, if you constantly show your jealousy, and your partner is not guilty of anything, this can provoke real betrayal. The husband may think: "Well, since she's bothering me so much, I need to go on a spree, so that I don't feel offended by hearing accusations every day."

Harm, which can inflict jealousy

To find out if jealousy has become a serious problem for you, psychologists suggest asking yourself four simple questions:

Do I struggle with windmills?

Does this interfere with my normal life?

Does my jealousy bring pain to someone I love?

Does my jealousy control me more than I can control it?

And if you answered yes to one orseveral of these questions, then you should think about the fact that it is time to change something in your behavior and in your thoughts and feelings. Measures must be taken, because jealousy can cause very significant harm in different aspects of your life:

• Harm to health. Constant anxiety and emotions due to jealousy can reduce appetite and significantly worsen the quality of sleep. A very strong sense of jealousy can have the same health consequences as they are with anxiety disorder. In particular, a person's heart rate increases, sweating increases, and nervous exhaustion begins. And if you can not deal constructively with jealousy, then it can lead to serious depression.
• Harm relations. Jealousy can affect your relationship in a negative way, especially if the alleged threat is not genuine and your partner does not really do anything to cause jealousy. Even the most loving and devoted partner can feel pain, anxiety and discontent from what they do not trust. In the long run, it drains both of you emotionally.

But when you feel jealousycreeps into your heart, do not be afraid right away. Remember that this is not necessarily a bad sign, and jealousy does not always become a feeling that you should be ashamed of. Sometimes it can simply mean that you value someone very much and cannot imagine that you could break up with this person or replace him with someone else. Of course, sometimes you may not like it that your man is flirting with someone else, and this is understandable. After all, you see that he is happy now, and you are not next to him. This causes a feeling of insecurity, which can turn into jealousy. But jealousy can also be harmless if your chosen one does nothing terrible, that is, nothing that could turn your happy relationship into bitter disappointment. Such a feeling of jealousy is simply a subconscious way to attract attention. Then you should learn to relax and allow yourself to be happy, instead of suspecting your man of something. Sometimes jealousy in a relationship may seem trivial, but if not confronted and overcome, it can destroy your love and affection for each other. So you have to find the strength to resist the green eyes of the monster that is lurking around the corner, waiting for the moment to hurt you and make you hate your loved one.

How to deal with jealousy

• With jealousy is not always easycope. Anyone can be confusing, making them believe that the relationship is under threat, even if in fact they are just perfect. Jealousy emerges in the relationships of many couples, and this, in essence, is understandable, because it is nothing more than the fear of losing someone you love. It's hard to just smile and stay calm when your partner is joking or somehow attentive to another attractive woman, especially when you're around. As surely you will worry when you see how he embraces and noisily rejoices when he meets his childhood friend who has not seen him for a long time.
• But you understand that the behavior of yourpartner is acceptable? Would not you also hug and kissed on the cheek of your very good friend of the opposite sex, if you faced him after not seeing him for several years? Would not you be very happy to meet him? Tell me frankly - did not you ever allow yourself to just flirt with someone if your loved one was not around? And are not you going to dance with another man, if you really want to dance, and your partner is already tired and just wants to sit?
• Jealousy is born in your head, because of yourown delusions, and not because your guy acts anyway. It appears because you perceive everything as it is. People have some tendency to fall into pessimism and expect the worst when it comes to relationships, and this tendency prevents many from thinking rationally. That's why, watching the jealousy between loving people from the side, you can often notice how stupid their claims to each other. How can you stop jealous?

Steps to Deal with Jealousy

• Jealousy and love are always there. This is normal, if a great love is mixed with a drop of jealousy. Perhaps, it is a natural and almost inevitable part of the romantic relationship. The trick is that you need to make sure that jealousy in your relationship plays no more than an episodic role. "Flight" on the wings of jealousy, performed over and over again, will become too tiring for both lovers, and will do absolutely nothing to give the chances of improving your relationship. On the contrary, jealousy can speed up the end of what you are trying so hard to protect. The best way to help each other is to communicate effectively and understand each other.
• Listen to your partner, and do it.for real. Perhaps he is trying to tell you something about his behavior, he wants to get something from you. In most situations that provoke the emergence of jealousy, your partner actually does this to draw your attention and to show you that he still cares about you. If you want to solve the problem, then both of you should be ready to listen to each other and hear what each of you wants to say. Try to guess the thoughts and motivations of your man, and by your actions try to show him that he completely owns your attention, even if you are now talking or dancing with another man.
• Communicate and try to understand. If the words or actions of your man make you angry, just tell him about it. You can, of course, just pout and be silenced, like partisans during interrogation, but you will only do worse for both of you. Instead of mentally holding a diatribe, it's better to say it all out loud. Maybe it so happens that a man does not even understand what he did, that could appeal to your jealousy and irritation. And if he understands that he is guilty ... Do not go away, if your partner wants to tell you something, listen to him, even if it seems to you that it does not make sense. Remember, you probably mean a lot to a man, if he wants to justify himself and keep you.
• Try to solve the problem of your jealousy together. Constructive dialogue can be a way to acquire an ally in the person of your partner, a person who will feel that he can point out to you when you are jealous of absolutely unreasonable. While conducting the dialogue, take into account the following:
• Do not shift the blame for your jealousy on another person. Only you are responsible for your feelings.
• Stick to the "I" - the manifestations. Instead of saying "you should not have done this," say: "I felt terrible when it happened."
• Remember that how you perceive the situation can completely disagree with how your man sees it.
• Above all, be compassionate - to yourself, andto your partner, to whom you have already laid the burden of your jealousy. Try to find the best ways to move forward. Be passionate not in jealousy and accusations, but in your desire to improve your relationship and in an attempt to outgrow your jealousy.
• In most cases, this is unlikely to be a one-time conversation. You will have to agree to return to the conversation every time jealousy begins to take possession of you.
• Put yourself in his place. This is one of the best ways to combat jealousy in the relationship between a man and a woman. What would you do in a similar situation, if you were in the place of your lover? Would you behave the same way? Would you be able to avoid such behavior, which can provoke an outbreak of jealousy in your partner? Try to always put yourself in the place of a partner and try to understand what your man is experiencing at this moment. Perhaps he just wants to make a good impression or just trying to be polite? And does everyone in the world have to revolve around your man, surely wanting to beat him from you?
• Confidence in your feelings for a partner. Also one of the best ways to fight jealousy, only now if you are jealous not you, but your partner. If you get angry with him for his suspicions, this will only exacerbate the situation. Better tell your loved one that you are very sorry that you neglected it if you really left the guy without attention, preferring to give it to someone else. Or just calm down your mate, and let him hear how much you love him and how you cherish them. When a man is jealous, we must remember that more than anything else, he is afraid of losing you, and he is very unhappy without your attention!
• Be rational. Jealousy in love is usually associated with a perceived threat to the relationship. The most important thing you have to do is try to find out whether this threat is real or imaginary; while it must be remembered that the mind poisoned with jealousy is inclined to insignificant actions and words to attach the status of too significant. Remember Shakespeare's Othello, for which the accidental loss of his usual wife by his beloved wife served as a sufficient reason to suspect her of treason and even kill for it.
• Work on your self-esteem. It's no secret that most often people who are unsure of themselves are jealous. So, the studies of American psychologists, which they conducted in two thousand and eighth year, showed that low men were more prone to jealousy than the guys of higher growth. It can be assumed that tall men were more confident in their status and, therefore, less worried about the threat from potential rivals in love.

By taking steps to improve your self-esteem, youyou will be able to protect yourself from jealousy. Try not to allow negative thoughts about yourself, focusing on your strengths. Engage in self-improvement. Sign up for some interesting courses, find yourself a hobby. This will perfectly distract you from sad thoughts, raise you in the eyes of your partner and, most importantly, in your own eyes. And spend time as often as possible with good friends who make you feel good. Learn to trust your partner and do not doubt him for any reason. Remember that he loves you, and he is not going to stop loving you just because he stopped to talk to some attractive young lady. And if something is bothering you, then do not forget: you need to gently tell your partner about it. This is much better than putting on a good old show for the amusement of a green-eyed monster! We recommend reading:

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