The birth of a child has always been considered a great miracle andat the same time a test for the family. Many marriages, the birth of a baby held together and filled life with a new meaning. Some families, on the other hand, encountered a number of difficulties associated with lack of sleep at night, a bunch of diapers and a host of other problems that the birth of a new family member entails. Especially this prospect frightens young fathers, who also would not like to take a walk, go to football, have a drink with friends of beer, and here you are - babe! On the one hand, they love the wife, and the child is undoubtedly the fruit of love. But for some reason this very same fetus constantly screams, demands that they take it in their hands and manage their natural needs at the most inopportune moment (when they just went out on the street, or on a television the responsible match, or at last the parents were lucky to fall asleep). That's starting to tighten the young (and sometimes even not quite young) men with the birth of heirs. And what is left for women to do? Persuade your loved ones? Search for new partners (who are also not always ready to multiply)? Or sit for hours on forums asking the invariable question "what to do if the husband does not want a child?" Many girls are so determined to have kids that they are ready to conceive secretly from her husband. We do not advise to solve the problem so drastically. After all, there are a lot of ways to persuade a partner to replenish the family. How? Let's figure it out.
Why a man against
So why, after all, men are so afraid of becomingfathers? In all cases, the desperate unwillingness of the husband to become the successor of the family is something more than just a failure to take care of the child, wash his diapers and bury his nose before going to bed. A man understands that the appearance of a new member of the family will completely change his life. If a woman who is pregnant is ready to sacrifice her freedom (and her victim, you will agree, is more ambitious), a man at times sincerely does not understand why he should for the sake of someone refuse a weekly bath or a trip to the championship. In the first years of marriage, a woman is calm and does not worry if her husband does not want a child. She enjoys the role of the wife and believes that the beloved man will soon fall asleep and will ask the baby himself. But the years go by, the husband is still just wrapped up borscht and enthusiastically escapes with friends to the bathhouse. Any attempts to persuade him / her to end with a child either endearingly "Okay, baby," or more categorical "tired, stop", and then the woman begins to see clearly. As it turned out, her man does not mind being a child and pokazriznachal in full, and the appearance of the child is becoming an increasingly unrealizable dream. Some wives then resign themselves and continue to nurse a great-aged child in the person of her husband. But many decide to go all-in and get pregnant secretly.
To give birth or not to give birth - that is the question!
However, the most experienced psychologists advise womendo not hurry and do not take hasty decisions about the birth of a baby without her husband's consent. Remember that for a man, paternity is not a natural instinct. After all, a man, unlike a woman, does not wear his baby for 9 months under the heart, feeling every movement of him. Paternity is a social phenomenon that comes at different times after the birth of a child - someone in a minute, someone - in a month, someone - in a year, and someone and never at all. And if in that difficult period, when a man has a process of becoming aware of himself as a father, various negative psychological factors that might exert too much pressure on a man are added. Often husbands "break" and simply leave the family, leaving the woman and the baby alone. Are you ready to take such a risk? Do not expect that this situation will not happen to you. As the statistics show, this outcome of events expects about 40% of all couples where the birth of a baby was a one-sided decision. Another 20% of couples continue to live together, but at the same time the spouses are constantly swearing, which also has a very unfavorable effect on the psychological atmosphere in the family. Agree: this is not the same bright prospect that you are drawing yourself? After all, in the event that a man still left, you alone will be solely responsible for your baby. Well think, are you ready for this turn of events? After all, it is not as simple as it might seem at first glance. And it's not even in a financial situation, money is not the most important thing. It is much more difficult to realize that the baby's dad will not share with you the joy of the first smile, from the first tooth, from the first steps of your crumbs. Also, we can not fail to mention that sometimes there are cases (but still happen) when the child, conceived against the will of the husband after the departure of his father becomes unnecessary and to his mother. Of course, the woman continues to take care of the baby, feed him, buy the best things and products. But the kid does not feel the warmth and sincere love of his mother, in which he so desperately needs. It is not uncommon for a single mother to start working on her personal life, and the child is in the care of grandparents. However, a woman should remember that even the most loving relatives, with all their desire, can not replace the crumbs of his family - mom and dad. And very often the woman simply does not realize all the responsibility, continuing to puzzle over the dilemma of "I want a child, and the husband does not."
The third one is not superfluous?
Very many men who do not yet have children,panicky, until trembling in the knees, are frightened of one of their thoughts that someone in their duet with a beloved woman can be intervened by a third person, even if that someone is their little one. Numerous benevolence - relatives and friends - will not miss the opportunity to tell the young man about all the "charms" of possible paternity:
- Loss of beauty and attractiveness of a woman. This argument is the most horrible "horror story" for all men. They fear that their slender, attractive wife will become fat due to pregnancy, lose her beauty and become a homemade klusha with unkempt head.
- Lack of interest in sex with his wife. The fact that a woman who has become a mother, will lose all interest in sexual relations, also almost all men are afraid, who should become dads for the first time in their life. And, of course, no one likes this prospect, so young husbands solve the problem in their own way (refusal of the birth of a child).
- The wife will stop paying attention to her husband. Another fact that explains why a husband does not want children. A man is afraid that a woman will stop paying attention to him. Agree, no one likes to feel like a kind of useless application to a happy tandem "Mom and Baby".
- Complicating financial situation. The birth of a child can not but affect the material well-being of the family. After all, before the appearance of crumbs, both man and woman worked, and the expenditure was much less. With the appearance of the baby, the responsibility for material well-being rests with the man's shoulders, and the expenses increase many times (the child's maintenance in our time is a very expensive pleasure). And often men are perplexed: why is an eternally crying child who "wears" only diapers, takes more money than two adults?
For the sake of justice, it should be noted that thesefears are often justified. Few women are able to do flawlessly several things at once: to wash, clean, cook, watch their appearance, pay attention to the kid, and yet do not forget about the husband and the marital duties. As a rule, any young mother in eternal trouble does not have time to do anything and falls asleep immediately, as soon as her head touches the pillow (only child's crying, but not the husband's caresses, can awaken her).
Why the husband does not want a second child
Often men are categorically opposedthe birth of the second child in the family, as in the soul are still fresh memories of the first pregnancy of the wife and her behavior after childbirth. And we are not talking about sleepless nights or washing diapers, but about the attitude of the wife to her husband. The fact that during pregnancy in the body of a woman there is a radical hormonal reconstruction. And this factor often leads to the fact that a pregnant woman is both physically and psychologically completely removed from her husband. She may be disgusted with her husband, her touch is unpleasant, the woman does not want to talk with him again. After some time, the hormonal background stabilizes, and the family again reigns peace. But this does not mean that the man forgot his grievances. And even if the husband was wise enough to understand what is happening to you, and to support you, in the future he will hardly want to repeat this quiet family nightmare. Therefore, you may well face the fact that the man will henceforth categorically oppose the appearance of another crumb.
If you are planning a second child
So, if a woman later plans to give birthsecond child, and the husband is strongly against it, it should be as wisely as possible so that the secret desire will come true and another sonorous child's voice will sound in the house. Below we give some tips, following which you can persuade your partner to another (and maybe not one) pregnancy. Joint sleep with a child Of course, any mom wants to spend with her baby as much as possible. Some of the women choose joint sleep, so as not to be separated from the child and at night. In addition, the oil is added to the fire by widely publicized information that if the baby sleeps with the mother, it is very beneficial for the crumb. Maybe the baby has a dream in the parent's bed and it's good, but here's the marriage relationship - exactly the opposite. The man is used to sleeping with a beloved woman and only him. And when a baby appears that lies between the parents, the husband begins to experience the strongest psychological discomfort. You can consider it a jealousy, you can sense of ownership. Call whatever you like. Only when there is a child in bed, the sexual life of partners is fiasco. And after her, and family life. I would like to remind you that such a reaction (insult to the baby) occurs completely unconsciously, and a man who understands with reason that it will be better for the child does not make any special claims to the spouse. However, somewhere in the subconscious level, the husband will experience some kind of resentment, which in the future may cause the categorical unwillingness of the birth of the second child. Reducing all conversations to only one topic - a child Of course, for a woman who is involved in the upbringing of the baby, the whole surrounding world is exactly in it. And the desire to share all the news about crumbs, with a beloved man is quite understandable and natural. However, try to put yourself in your husband's place. He comes home from work tired, he wants to talk with you, share any news or problems. But at the slightest attempt to open his mouth, he hears how funny the little creature tried to feed the cat with porridge or put on his father's shoes. So time after time, day after day. How would you feel about this situation? Most likely, you would very quickly feel lonely. Joint release of the light Often, a young mother completely focuses on her child, moving away from the world. Sometimes even if a woman has helpers - mothers, sisters or nanny - she refuses to leave the house without a child. And a man is forced to either spend all his time at home, next to his family, or go somewhere alone. Agree, this atmosphere is a strong prerequisite for quarrels and conflicts.
Arguments for the Pope
So, back to our tactics. How to persuade her husband to a child? Notice, we did not begin to talk about how to get pregnant by fraud, since it will not lead to anything good. The child should be desired. And a point. So let's think about how to persuade a stubborn egoist to replenish the family. In order for a man to overcome his fears, a woman should just talk to him. In no case do not resort to lies. You need not assure your husband that you can easily cope with pregnancy, hormonal malfunction and a huge number of dirty diapers. Do not believe that, despite your "interesting situation", remain slim and desirable, as well as before pregnancy. Believe me, this is far from the best tactic of behavior. And in the event that you manage to convince this man - which, by the way, is very unlikely, - his disappointment with the "after" picture may become a reason for very serious conflicts. Than to lie to her husband (and herself), tell your man about how much you love him and never allow him to go into the shadow of your relationship. Explain that it is important for you to give birth to a baby from him, and not an abstract baby in principle (which again indicates your love for him).
Prohibited and permitted practices
Women have three favorite arguments that they like to bring, putting psychological pressure on a man who does not want the birth of a child:
- "You are a complete egoist"
- "You do not love me at all"
- "Have you thought about who will help in our old age?"
According to family psychologists, sucharguments do not bring any benefit, but only anger the man. In order to achieve your goal, it is better to draw your man's attention to the physiological side of the issue. As you know, not every woman's menstrual cycle is full, there are so-called anovulatory cycles in which the egg does not ripen and, accordingly, the onset of pregnancy is impossible in principle. Approximately up to 30 years of such "empty" cycles is no more than one or two a year. After thirty years, the number of these cycles begins to grow rapidly, and by the age of 35 reaches five to six cases per year. As you understand, in such a case the chances of getting pregnant with a woman are rapidly falling. In addition, late pregnancies are often accompanied by various pathologies that threaten not only the health of the mother, but also the well-being of the baby. And the birth process is all the more difficult the older the woman, especially if it concerns the cases of the first birth. If conversations about the cycles did not work, start talking to the man about the most beloved - about himself. After all, he also has something to fear with age. Approximately after reaching a man of forty years of age, the quality of his sperm begins to deteriorate significantly. It contains fewer and fewer active, viable spermatozoa that can fertilize an egg. Such information will certainly make your man think, especially if your words are backed up by special literature.
In the event that your unwillingness to have a childman argues that in your family is not currently well-off financial situation, you need to carefully analyze the environment around you. Drop all your emotions, ambitions and desires. And think - maybe your spouse is right, and you can not just now afford the birth of a baby? In order to understand this situation as impartially as possible, answer the following questions ("yes" or "no"):
- Does your family have material savings?
- Can someone give you material support?
- Have you solved the housing problem?
- You are working?
- Does your family have major financial problems?
After analyzing the answers, you will understand, indeedwhether your family has been affected by the global crisis, or it's just the fear of her husband that prevails. In case there is no threat of bankruptcy, but the man keeps saying that he does not want a child, try to reliably learn the true reasons for his unwillingness. Do not appeal to the emotions of the spouse, using the expression "I so want the baby, please. Well, just imagine how wonderful it will be. " It is much more reasonable to ask a few specific questions that help a man understand his feelings and emotions. For example, ask him a direct question: "Do not you want to have children right now, or never in principle?" If a man answers that the birth of children is not part of his life plans, ask him if he realizes that this decision completely deprives you of the opportunity to become a mother. In the case of a second child, ask your spouse if he is willing to knowingly deprive his child of the opportunity to have a brother or sister. As a rule, such serious questions asked calmly, without any hints of hysteria, are very sobering to the man, forcing him to think seriously and even to reconsider his decision. If for any reason you did not manage to do it yourself, ask for help from a family psychologist. Very many women are embarrassed to discuss such problems with anyone, but believe me - professional help will bring you much more benefits than "good" advice of friends about how to become pregnant secretly from her husband. In the event that a man tells you that he is in principle not against the birth of a child, just not at this stage of your life, your task will be to find out what exactly is embarrassing him today. Together, in a calm environment, discuss your problems and try to find the best ways to solve them. Perhaps you will decide to buy a more spacious apartment, using a mortgage for this, or start to save money. Any married couple knows exactly what she needs most. In the event that your man promises you that the child in your family will still be, even not now, but a little later, he should accurately name the time when this happens. Unfortunately, it also happens that a man calls a date, and then looks for a new excuse for a postponement. Therefore, by accepting this condition, let your man understand that for you his word is the most reliable guarantor in the world. Believe me, if a partner realizes the full extent and depth of your trust in him, he will take his promise very seriously and try hard not to lose your disposition and trust. But in the event that a woman decides to conceive secretly from her husband, she risks losing forever not only his confidence, but also the man himself.
Maintain mutual respect and trust
In order not to encounter such ait is much more reasonable to find out all the questions you are interested in even before you marry. Be sure to talk frankly and find out if your future spouse plans to have children and how many - one, two, and maybe more? Such a conversation can clarify many issues and avoid misunderstanding and quarrels in the future. Very often a woman, having learned that a man does not plan and does not want to have children, tears with him all relationships. Of course, this is your right, and no one can tell you how to act in this situation. However, believe that a man who honestly said about his unwillingness to have children deserves much more respect than the one who became the father of one or two kids and absolutely does not want to participate in their lives. Agree that it is much more honest to say right away about your unwillingness to have children, and not to condemn a woman to disappointment and deprive the children of the attention of the father.
If the child is not
Sometimes it happens that a man, regardless ofwhat arguments, still does not agree to the birth of a child. In that case, you should think very seriously about the situation and understand if you want to be next to this man no matter what. Take this decision seriously. Do not hope that in the process of living together you can influence the spouse, and he will change his decision. Of course, this development is likely, but do not rely too much on it. Be prepared for the fact that by agreeing to a family in which there will never be a child, you renounce what is inherent in nature - from your future motherhood. However, if you, having carefully thought and weighed, decided to stay with this man, even without children, remember that no one has the right to indicate how you will live. A family of two has the same right to exist, like any other, with children. The most important thing in a family is mutual understanding, respect, common values of life and, of course, love. Summarizing all of the above, I would like to once again focus women's attention on the main thing. Do not try to get pregnant secretly, listening to the advice of strangers. For sure there will be a huge number of people who will tell you how to cheat your husband. It will not lead to anything good, but you can make trouble for yourself. This is a spoiled relationship, and the lost trust, and, finally, the departure of a man from the family. It is not necessary to have a baby only in order to try to preserve the already already cracking personal relations at all seams. Remember one unwritten, but immutable truth: no man can not be held by the birth of a child. A kid should be born only when the relations of partners have a strong foundation and are not based on scandals and squabbles, but on love and trust. And if the husband does not want to have children, do not go against it, do not ruin the fate of yourself or your future child. We advise you to read: