The birth of a child has always been considered a great miracle.and at the same time a test for the family. For many marriages, the birth of a baby has strengthened and filled life with new meaning. Some families, on the contrary, have faced a number of difficulties associated with lack of sleep at night, a pile of diapers and a host of other problems that the birth of a new family member brings with it. This prospect is especially frightening for young fathers, who would not mind going for a walk, going to a football match, drinking beer with friends, and then here you go - a baby! On the one hand, they love their wife, and the child is undoubtedly the fruit of love. But for some reason this very fruit constantly screams, demands to be picked up and relieves itself at the most inopportune moment (when they just went outside, or an important match is on TV, or the parents are finally lucky enough to fall asleep). So young (and sometimes not so young) men begin to delay the birth of heirs. And what can women do in this case? Persuade their loved ones? Look for new partners (who are also not always ready to reproduce)? Or spend hours on forums, asking the invariable question "what to do if the husband does not want a child?" Many girls are so determined to have children that they are ready to get pregnant in secret from their husbands. We do not advise solving the problem so radically. After all, there are many techniques to persuade a partner to add to the family. How? Let's figure it out.

Why a man against

So why are men so afraid of becomingfathers? In all cases, there is something more behind the husband’s desperate unwillingness to become a successor to the family line than just refusing to take care of the child, wash his diapers and put drops in his nose before going to bed. The man understands that the appearance of a new family member will completely change his life. If a woman, having become pregnant, is ready to sacrifice her freedom (and her sacrifice, you must admit, is more extensive), the man sometimes sincerely does not understand why he should refuse a weekly bathhouse or a trip to a championship for someone else. In the first years of marriage, a woman is calm and does not worry if her husband does not want a child. She enjoys the role of a wife and believes that her beloved man will soon thaw out and ask for a baby himself. But the years go by, the husband is still enthusiastically gobbling up borscht and running off to the bathhouse with friends. Any attempts to persuade him to have a child end with either an affectionate “come on, baby” or a more categorical “I’m tired of it, stop”, and then the woman begins to see the light. As it turns out, her man himself is not averse to being a child and being capricious to his heart's content, and the appearance of a child is becoming an increasingly unrealistic dream. Some wives in this case resign themselves and continue to nurse the grown-up child in the person of their husband. But many decide to go for broke and get pregnant secretly.

To give birth or not to give birth - that is the question!

However, the most experienced psychologists adviseWomen should not rush and not make hasty decisions about having a baby without their husband's consent. Remember that fatherhood is not a natural instinct for a man. After all, a man, unlike a woman, does not carry his child under his heart for 9 months, feeling his every movement. Fatherhood is a social phenomenon that comes at different times after the birth of a child - for some in a minute, for others in a month, for others in a year, and for others never at all. And if during that difficult period when a man is going through the process of realizing himself as a father, various negative psychological factors are added that can put too much pressure on a man. Often, husbands "break down" and simply leave the family, leaving the woman and the baby alone. Are you ready to take such a risk? You should not hope that a similar situation will not happen to you. As statistics show, this outcome of events awaits approximately 40% of all couples where the birth of a baby was a unilateral decision. Another 20% of couples continue to live together, but the spouses constantly quarrel, which also has a very unfavorable effect on the psychological atmosphere in the family. Agree: this is not at all the rosy prospect that you draw for yourself? After all, if the man does leave, you will be entirely responsible for your baby. Think carefully whether you are ready for such a turn of events - after all, it is not as easy as it may seem at first glance. And it is not even about the financial situation, money is not the most important thing. It is much more difficult to realize that the baby's dad will not share with you the joy of the first smile, the first tooth, the first steps of your baby. Also, one cannot fail to mention that sometimes there are cases (but they still happen) when a baby conceived against the will of the husband becomes unnecessary to his mother after his dad leaves. Of course, the woman continues to take care of the baby, feed him, buy the best things and food. But the baby does not feel the warmth and sincere love of his mother, which he so desperately needs. There are often situations when a single mother begins to arrange her personal life, and the child ends up in the care of grandparents. However, a woman should remember that even the most loving relatives, with all their desire, are not able to replace the baby's family - mom and dad. And very often a woman simply does not realize all the responsibility, continuing to puzzle over the dilemma "I want a child, but my husband does not."

The third one is not superfluous?

Many men who do not yet have children,panic, to the point of shaking in their knees, they are frightened by the very thought that a third person could interfere in their duet of relations with their beloved woman, even if this third person is their baby. Numerous well-wishers - relatives and friends - will not miss the opportunity to tell the young man about all the "charms" of possible fatherhood:

• Loss of beauty and attractiveness in a woman.This argument is the most terrible "horror story" for all men. They are afraid that their slender, attractive wife will get fat due to pregnancy, lose her beauty and turn into a homely hen with an unkempt head.
• Lack of interest in sex in the wife.The fact that a woman who has become a mother will lose all interest in sexual relations is also feared by almost all men who are about to become fathers for the first time in their lives. And, of course, no one likes this prospect, so young husbands solve the problem in their own way (by refusing to have a child).
• The wife will stop paying attention to her husband.Another fact that explains why a husband does not want children. A man is afraid that a woman will stop paying attention to him. Agree, no one likes to feel like some kind of useless appendage to the happy tandem of "mother and child".
• The financial situation has become more complicated.The birth of a child cannot but affect the material well-being of the family. After all, before the baby was born, both the man and the woman worked, and expenses were significantly lower. With the birth of a baby, all responsibility for material well-being falls on men's shoulders, and expenses increase many times over (keeping a child is a very expensive pleasure these days). And men are often perplexed: why does it cost more money to keep a child who is always crying and "wears" only diapers than to keep two adults?!

In fairness, it should be noted that thesefears are very often justified. Few women are able to do several things at once perfectly: wash, clean, cook, take care of their appearance, pay attention to the baby, and at the same time not forget about the husband and marital duties. As a rule, any young mother in the eternal chores does not really have time for anything and falls asleep as soon as her head touches the pillow (only a child's cry can wake her up, but not her husband's caresses).

Why the husband does not want a second child

Often men are categorically against itthe birth of a second child in the family, since the memories of the wife's first pregnancy and her behavior after childbirth are still fresh in the soul. And we are not talking about sleepless nights or washing diapers, but about the wife's attitude to her husband. The fact is that during pregnancy, a woman's body undergoes radical hormonal changes. And this factor often leads to the fact that a pregnant woman, both physically and psychologically, completely distances herself from her husband. She may feel disgust for her husband, his touch is unpleasant to her, the woman does not want to talk to him once again. After some time, the hormonal background stabilizes, and peace reigns in the family again. But this does not mean that the man has forgotten his grievances. And even if the husband turned out to be wise enough to understand what is happening to you and support you, in the future he is unlikely to want a repeat of this quiet family nightmare. Therefore, you may well face the fact that the man will henceforth be categorically against the birth of another baby.

If you are planning a second child

So, if a woman plans to continue in the futuregive birth to a second child, and the husband is categorically against it, she should be as wise as possible so that the secret desire comes true and another ringing child's voice sounds in the house. Below we will give some advice, following which you can persuade your partner to have another (and maybe more than one) pregnancy. Co-sleeping with a child Of course, any mother strives to spend as much time as possible with her baby. Some women choose co-sleeping so as not to be separated from the child at night. In addition, the widely promoted information that if the baby sleeps with the mother, then this has a very beneficial effect on the baby adds fuel to the fire. Perhaps, sleeping in the parental bed has a good effect on the baby, but for marital relations - exactly the opposite. A man is used to the fact that he and only he sleeps with his beloved woman. And when a baby appears, who lies down between the parents, the husband begins to experience severe psychological discomfort. You can consider this jealousy, you can a sense of possessiveness. Call it whatever you like. Only when there is a child in bed, the sexual life of the partners suffers a fiasco. And then family life. I would like to remind you that such a reaction (resentment towards the baby) occurs completely unconsciously, and a man who understands with his mind that this will be better for the child does not make any special claims to his wife. However, somewhere on the subconscious level, the husband will still feel some resentment, which in the future may become the reason for a categorical reluctance to have a second child. Reducing all conversations to only one topic - the child Of course, for a woman who is raising a baby, the whole world around her is contained in him. And the desire to share all the news concerning the baby with your beloved man is quite understandable and natural. However, try to put yourself in your husband's place. He comes home from work tired, he wants to talk to you, share some news or problems. But at the slightest attempt to open his mouth, he hears about how funny the baby tried to feed the cat porridge or put on daddy's shoes. So, time after time, day after day. How would you feel in such a situation? Most likely, you would feel lonely very quickly. Going out together Often, a young mother completely concentrates on her child, distancing herself from the outside world. Sometimes, even if a woman has helpers - mothers, sisters or a nanny - she refuses to leave the house without her child. And the man is forced to either spend all his time at home, with his family, or go somewhere alone. Agree, such an atmosphere is a good prerequisite for quarrels and conflicts.

Arguments for the Pope

So, let's get back to our tactics.How to persuade your husband to have a child? Note that we have not started talking about how to get pregnant by deception, since this will not lead to anything good. The child must be wanted. Period. So let's think about how to persuade a stubborn egoist to add to the family. In order for a man to overcome his fears, a woman should simply talk to him. Do not resort to lies under any circumstances. There is no point in assuring your husband that you can easily cope with pregnancy, hormonal imbalance and a huge number of dirty diapers. Do not lie about how, despite your "interesting situation", you will remain slim and desirable, as before the pregnancy. Believe me, this is far from the best behavior tactic. And if you manage to convince a man of this - which, by the way, is very unlikely - his disappointment with the picture "after" can become a reason for very serious conflicts. Instead of lying to your husband (and to yourself), tell your man how much you love him and will never allow him to fade into the shadows of your relationship. Explain that it is important for you to have a baby from him, and not an abstract baby in principle (which once again demonstrates your love for him).

Prohibited and permitted practices

Women have three favorite arguments that they like to use when putting psychological pressure on a man who does not want to have a child:

• "You are a complete egoist"
• "You do not love me at all"
• "Have you thought about who will help in our old age?"

As family psychologists say, sucharguments will not bring any benefit at all, but will only anger the man. In order to achieve your goal, it is better to draw your man's attention to the physiological side of the issue. As is known, not every menstrual cycle in a woman is full-fledged, there are so-called anovulatory cycles, in which the egg does not mature and, accordingly, pregnancy is impossible in principle. Up to about 30 years, there are no more than one or two such "empty" cycles per year. After thirty years, the number of these cycles begins to grow rapidly, and by the age of 35 it reaches five to six cases per year. As you understand, in such a case, a woman's chances of getting pregnant are rapidly falling. In addition, late pregnancies are very often accompanied by various pathologies that threaten not only the health of the mother, but also the well-being of the baby. And the birth process itself is more difficult, the older the woman, especially if it concerns cases of the first birth. If talking about cycles hasn't worked, start talking to your man about what he loves most - himself. After all, he has something to be wary of as he ages. Around the age of forty, the quality of his sperm begins to deteriorate significantly. It contains fewer and fewer active, viable spermatozoa capable of fertilizing an egg. This kind of information will definitely make your man think, especially if your words are supported by specialized literature.

Financial difficulties

In the event that your unwillingness to have a childa man argues that your family is not in a good financial situation right now, you need to very carefully analyze the situation around you. Put aside all your emotions, ambitions and desires. And think - maybe your husband is right, and you cannot afford to have a baby right now? In order to understand this situation as impartially as possible, answer the questions below ("yes" or "no"):

• Does your family have material savings?
• Can someone give you material support?
• Have you solved the housing problem?
• You are working?
• Does your family have major financial problems?

After analyzing the answers, you will understand,whether your family has really been affected by the global crisis, or is it just your husband’s fear that is taking over. If there is no threat of bankruptcy, but your man continues to insist that he does not want a child, try to find out the real reasons for his reluctance. Do not appeal to your spouse’s emotions by using expressions such as “I want a baby so much, please. Just imagine how wonderful it will be.” It is much more reasonable to ask a few specific questions that help a man understand his feelings and emotions. For example, ask him a direct question, “Do you want to have children right now, or never at all?” If the man answers that having children is not in his life plans, ask him if he realizes that by this decision he is completely depriving you of the opportunity to become a mother? If we are talking about a second child, ask your spouse if he is ready to consciously deprive his child of the opportunity to have a brother or sister? As a rule, such serious questions, asked calmly, without any hint of hysteria, have a very sobering effect on a man, forcing him to think seriously and even reconsider his decision. If for some reason you were unable to do this on your own, seek help from a family psychologist. Many women are embarrassed to discuss such problems with anyone, but believe me - professional help will bring you much more benefit than the "kind" advice of friends on how to get pregnant secretly from your husband. If a man tells you that he is not against having a child in principle, just not at this stage of your life, your task will be to find out what exactly bothers him today. Together, in a calm environment, discuss the problems you have and try to find the best ways to solve them. Perhaps you will decide to buy a more spacious apartment, using a mortgage loan for this, or start saving money. Any married couple knows exactly what they need most. If your man promises you that you will have a child in your family, even if not now, but a little later, he must name the exact time when this will happen. Unfortunately, it also happens that a man names the date and then looks for a new excuse for a subsequent delay. Therefore, accepting this condition, let your man understand that for you his word is the most reliable guarantor in the world. Believe me, if your partner understands the full extent and depth of your trust in him, he will take his promise very seriously and will try his best not to lose your affection and trust. But if a woman decides to get pregnant in secret from her husband, she herself risks forever losing not only his trust, but also the man himself.

Maintain mutual respect and trust

In order to avoid facing such a situationproblem, it is much wiser to clarify all the questions that interest you before entering into marriage. Be sure to have an open conversation and find out whether your future spouse plans to have children and how many - one, two, or maybe more? Such a conversation can clarify many issues and avoid misunderstandings and disagreements in the future. Very often, a woman, having learned that a man does not plan and does not want to have children, breaks off all relations with him. Of course, this is your right, and no one can tell you what to do in this situation. However, believe me, a man who honestly said that he does not want to have children deserves much more respect than one who became the father of one or two children and does not want to participate in their lives at all. Agree that it is much more honest to immediately say that you do not want to have children, rather than condemn a woman to disappointment and deprive the children of their father's attention.

If the child is not

Sometimes it happens that a man, regardless offor what reasons, still does not agree to have a child. In this case, you should very seriously consider the current situation and understand whether you want to be with this man no matter what. Take this decision very seriously. Do not hope that in the process of living together you will be able to influence your spouse, and he will change his mind. Of course, such a development of events is quite possible, but you should not hope for it too much. Be prepared for the fact that by agreeing to a family in which a child will never be born, you refuse what is inherent in you by nature - your future motherhood. However, if you, having carefully considered and weighed everything, decided to stay with this man, even without children, remember that no one has the right to tell you how to live. A family of two has the same right to exist as any other, with children. The most important thing in a family is mutual understanding, respect, common life values ​​and, of course, love. To sum up all of the above, I would like to once again draw women's attention to the main thing. Never try to get pregnant secretly, listening to the advice of strangers. Surely there will be a huge number of people who will tell you how to deceive your husband. This will simply not lead to anything good, but you can get yourself into trouble. This includes a ruined relationship, and lost trust, and, finally, the man leaving the family. You should not have a baby just to try to save your personal relationship that is already falling apart at the seams. Remember one unwritten but indisputable truth: no man can be kept by the birth of a child. A baby should be born only when the partners' relationship has a strong foundation and is based not on scandals and squabbles, but on love and trust. And if your husband does not want to have children, do not go against him, do not ruin the fate of either yourself or your future child. We recommend reading:

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