Everyone dreams of achieving harmony in their personal life.How wonderful it is when you have a loved one who shares all your joys and sorrows! Unfortunately, there are situations when psychological dependence on a man is hidden under the guise of love. And then you will find yourself in a vicious circle, from which it is very difficult to get out. Like any other, love addiction sucks all the energy out of a person, giving in return the illusion of happiness for a short time. How to deal with this?

Symptoms of love dependence

It is very important to distinguish between the two concepts -love and dependence. In general, the state of being in love is described by psychiatrists as pathological: euphoria, obsessive thoughts and actions, the inability to think about anything other than the object of feelings. Many songs have been written about love, in which all this is reflected. However, where is the fine line between the norm and pathology? We have compiled a list of symptoms that will help you “diagnose” your relationship.

• The importance of other spheres of life falls sharply. This is inherent in any dependence: a person gets used to receive positive energy from one source, accordingly, interest in other things disappears. Just like a drug addict, pathologically dependent on a man, a woman does not pay attention to anything other than her relationship. As it is sung in one famous song, "on you a white light came together with a wedge".
• Increased aggressiveness.If someone even hints that your beloved is not right for you, you are ready to wipe them out. No sound arguments work, crashing against the wall of fanatical devotion. “You all don’t understand anything! We were made for each other,” - this thought is spinning in your head, and those around you can’t do anything about it.
• Panic at the thought of a break. Loneliness frightens you even more than pain in a relationship. You, of course, may not be very good together, but it is generally unbearable to exist separately. Parting for you is tantamount to the end of the world, and that's why you are so clinging to your strange relationship.
• Constant pain and suffering.They go hand in hand with your special love. And every time you come up with unthinkable excuses for your man's actions. He never calls you first because he has no time. He doesn't feel sorry for you because he is too masculine for that. And communication with other women is a consequence of his strength and independence. And it doesn't matter that love should bring joy.
• The desire to be together always. In psychotherapy, this is called pathological fusion. The thought of separation for five minutes can bring you suffering. At the same time, the feelings experienced by you are ambiguous: on the one hand, you are afraid that the partner will "swallow you up," on the other, there is a fear that he will completely disappear from your life. Simultaneously, you experience sadness because of a lack of a deep connection between you and the desire to "stick" to it.
• A feeling of losing oneself.In a dependent relationship, you are not there - you completely dissolve in another person. There is a feeling of an abyss that can "suck" you in. As a result, you do everything for this man that can bring him joy, often forgetting about yourself, your tastes and preferences.
• Burning jealousy.Since psychological dependence on a man is an example of a pathological relationship, you constantly have a feeling that your partner is not with you. And since there is no sense of unity and closeness, it means that he can respond to the call of another woman at any moment. Add to this a feeling of your own inferiority, lack of self - and voila! You begin to be jealous of your partner for every lamppost.
• Mood swings.After a man calls, you may feel bliss and a surge of energy that immediately disappears as soon as he does something wrong. It is worth breaking out of the state of fusion for just half an hour - and you fall into a deep depression. All this is accompanied by a bunch of fears, guilt for your behavior and anger at everyone. Emotional swings are exactly like those of chemical addicts.
• A large number of life problems.Do you know what the main criterion of pathology in psychiatry is? Adaptation. If you manage to live normally and solve problems with your personality traits, then this is a type of norm. But if everything is going downhill for you, then it's time to think about it. Relationships that make your friends turn away from you, your boss threaten to fire you, and your mother swallow valerian by the handful are unhealthy, and this is clear to anyone who looks at the situation with a sober eye.

The euphoria that comes with falling in love passesapproximately nine months. Therefore, if you experience some symptoms at the very beginning of a relationship, it does not mean anything. But if you suffer from your feelings for a long time, it is worth sounding the alarm.

The model of the behavior of a woman choosing dependent relationships

Above we talked about the main signs of lovedependence. Now it's time to highlight the behavior model of a woman who often finds herself in a similar situation. It is very specific. And since the first step to solving the problem is its awareness, we suggest you analyze the model of your behavior in love relationships. So, how does a woman who is prone to dependence on a man behave? Firstly, she falls in love easily and quickly. This happens for a number of reasons. If a man looks and behaves attractively, then she quite easily ignores any signals about his shortcomings. There is a psychological fixation on positive aspects, which is also not always good. In addition, the first impression is always more important to her than anything else, and if it was pleasant, then there is no use arguing with it. In general, the sphere of love is very painful for her. Such a woman has a fear of never finding a loved one. This is due to the excessive value that she attaches to love and relationships. Yes, of course, we can say that the Earth revolves on this force, but love is not so flat and homogeneous! On the contrary, it is multifaceted and manifests itself not only in relation to men. But a woman does not care about this - romantic fantasies are constantly present in her imagination. And even if she is single now, she constantly hopes to either meet an ex-partner who will fall madly in love with her, or a new and ideal in everything. Because of such fantasies, it is very difficult for her to concentrate on anything other than the topic of relations between the sexes. As we have already said, such a woman falls in love very easily, and it is not easy for her to let go of the person with whom she has entered into a relationship. In addition, for some reason, those with whom she cannot have a relationship for objective reasons end up in the role of partners. For example, this man is married or is a complete scoundrel. But the woman is ready to continue the relationship with him even in the event of offensive behavior towards her. But even if this is not the case, she is panicky afraid of losing her partner and literally “smothers” him with her love: she constantly calls, writes, tries to guess and satisfy absolutely all the desires of the partner. Naturally, there are different options for the development of events. Normal men simply try to get rid of such circumstances, because they are scared of excessive importunity. And all sorts of scoundrels begin to take advantage of this, turning a woman practically into a doormat. All these reactions are united by one fact: guys stop respecting such girls. There are often cases when a woman practically stalks a man. That is why, falling into depression after a breakup, she thinks about the fact that she was the only one who loved in this relationship. This happens inevitably, because sooner or later even the most complete scoundrel gets tired of it. And then a vicious circle begins. Having experienced the desire to die after a breakup, she begins to feel an inner emptiness. And a new partner is searched for very hastily only to get rid of it. Otherwise, alone, such a woman feels inferior compared to people in a relationship.

Why is this happening?

People with a tendency to be dependent on relationshipsdistorted personality structure. Its formation is facilitated by a variety of life's twists and turns, which are excessive for a person. As a result of encountering such difficulties, he seems to "break down", and such a problem arises. What could be at its root?

The girl has a distorted relationship with her father.Dad is the first man in her life. Relationships with him serve as a prototype of all romances with men in the future. Accordingly, if the father constantly criticized the girl and did not express his care and love to her, she will live with a constant desire to deserve them. And since this is most often impossible to do with dad, she will transfer her problems to men and look for those who fit into her scenario. It is logical that she will exalt the man on a pedestal and try to achieve his love.

Cold mother. What is most important for the child? The love of his mother. Unfortunately, very often women give birth to children on immature grounds and, faced with real difficulties, begin to feel indifference to them, and sometimes even anger. And since the world outlook and self-perception of the baby depends entirely on the relationship of the mother to him, he will grow up with a subconscious experience of his own defectiveness. The need for love for him will become unsatisfactory, since the time necessary for this has passed. As a result, an excessively low self-esteem is formed, and a person becomes dependent on a romantic relationship.

Negative family scenario.Problems happen in all families without exception, and, of course, this leaves a certain imprint on the construction of love relationships in the future. However, there are extreme options that greatly cripple the child's psyche. For example, when one of the parents has an alcohol or drug addiction. In this case, the child learns such a scenario of behavior in relationships for life, when everything depends on the state of the partner, and there is a complete adjustment to his life. Do you recognize future love addiction? By the way, contrary to popular belief, divorce is also a psychotraumatic situation, but its harm can be completely compensated.

Difficulty establishing personal boundaries.Around the age of three, a child begins to distinguish his or her Self from the surrounding world. This is a very important stage in the development of personal boundaries, but things can get much worse later. For example, if he or she is not allowed to lock himself or herself in his or her room or the bathroom. Or he or she cannot have personal toys, because he or she is always told that all things are common and must be shared. In all these and other cases, the child gets used to the fact that he or she has no boundaries of personal space and loses the ability to feel them. Accordingly, in the future, such a person will tend to “dissolve” in a partner.

Lack of ability to realistically assesssurrounding. Most often, this occurs when a child tries to express his feelings for peace, and parents or other important adults say that this is all nonsense. Especially when it comes to evaluating the actions of other people, usually older ones. The child gets used to the fact that he is constantly wrong, and this ability is erased over time. The problem can have a wider field when it comes to feelings. If a person is constantly told that he feels wrong, he will soon stop distinguishing his emotions, and he will need to "merge" with another in order that he at least somehow "reflected" it.

“Polar” character.It is very easy to fall into love addiction if you are very categorical. For such a person there are no “gray” tones - he divides the world exclusively into “black” and “white”. The same thing happens in the sphere of human feelings - either I hate or I love. By the way, if we talk about the latter, then such a person does not have a gradation of love: from the very beginning he feels wild euphoria and craving for the object of his romantic feelings. For example, a woman after the first date begins to dream of a wedding and with wild jealousy looks at all the girls passing by the man.

Psychotraumatic event.Women who have ever suffered from violence are especially prone to love addiction from a man. Firstly, they do not feel the boundaries of their body, as they were once very roughly violated. Secondly, they experience dual feelings towards men: on the one hand, they perceive them as enemies who bring pain and suffering, and, on the other, they see them as protectors who are the only ones who can save them from problems. The same, but with less intensity, applies to serious breakups, deaths and other severe stresses - a woman can be very afraid of losing her partner and from this fear "bites" into him like ticks.

Escape from the vicious circle of dependence

In order to get rid of love addiction,you need to realize the fact of its existence. Yes, yes, you are now in a relationship that does not actually bring you happiness, but only sucks out your life energy. It is for this purpose that we have provided a list of signs of dependence on a man above. Simply put, if you feel unhappy most of the time - this is a signal that you need to get rid of this relationship. Perhaps doubts have appeared in your soul: “What if this is just a difficult period, and I will now leave the person that fate has prepared for me?” The simplest thing you can do is to ask your girlfriends what they think. But these should be people who really care about you and who do not envy you at all. If they unanimously scream: “Well, finally! We told you that he is a pig!” and at the same time are not man-haters - this is an alarm bell. But the decision is still up to you. To make it easier, start a romance diary, where you can record everything that happens to you in a relationship: events, actions, and especially feelings. It is very important to write sincerely and not deceive yourself: if you feel sad and hurt at a time when you should have been happy - then write. And vice versa. All this will help you, firstly, to objectively see how you feel next to a specific man, and, secondly, later you will be able to analyze whether your romances are always built on the same scenario. As we have already written, a woman who is in a love addiction to a man has a shifted focus. Simply put, she thinks only about him, in particular, she constantly seeks answers to questions like:

• What does he mean when he says this?
• What is more important to him?
• What did he really feel when this happened?
• Did he love any woman before me (instead of me after me)?
• What will he say if I do it?
• What will it feel if I say this?
• And others…

Be sure to record all similar questions,касающиеся вашего любимого, в своем дневнике (или даже отдельном блокноте). С другой стороны листа записывайте найденные на них ответы, причем, если они вас полностью удовлетворяют, вычеркивайте вопрос из списка. Остальные оставляйте и обязательно фиксируйте новые. Отмечайте повторяющиеся. Продолжайте делать это как минимум в течение недели, пока не устанете. Неизвестно, что получится конкретно у вас, но чаще всего женщины сталкиваются с осознанием своей полной зацикленности. Вопросы никуда не исчезают после нахождения ответов, а их количество неуклонно растет, впоследствии поражая воображение. И это нужно делать до тех пор, пока вы автоматически не начнете предугадывать появление подобных мыслей в голове, и вам не надоест искать во всем этом смысл и ответы. На основании полученных данных составьте портрет типичного мужчины, который заставляет вас впадать в любовную зависимость. Вероятно, что вы обнаружите много общих психологических особенностей у всех этих субъектов. Наверняка там окажутся выраженная мужественность, агрессивность, жесткость или чрезмерная мягкость, лживость и прочие замечательные черты. Заодно будет понятно, что именно провоцирует в вас зависимое поведение. Чтобы усилить осознание проблемы любовной зависимости, подумайте о том, сколько всего в жизни вы упустили из-за неудачных любовных связей. Наверняка вы неоднократно слушали замечания в свой адрес от начальства из-за того, что не сделали вовремя нужную часть работы. Подруги частенько обижались за то, что вы отменяли встречи с ними ради очередного ухажера. Вы не поехали учиться в Америку, так как ваш партнер был очень против этого шага. И таких событий было много — это если не говорить о кучу нервов, ресурсов и времени, потраченных на неудачных мужчин. Для того чтобы избавиться от любовной зависимости, очень важно восстановить способность осознавать границы своего тела. Очень полезны в этом плане всевозможные телесные и дыхательные практики. Вам необходимо почувствовать, где проходит граница между вами и окружающим миром, и ключ к этому лежит в ощущениях. Попробуйте аутогенную тренировку, которая вкупе с повышением чувствительности поможет вам приобрести больше уверенности в себе. Надеемся, что с осознанием на данной точке пути у вас проблем нет. Соответственно, необходимо избавиться от всего эмоционального мусора, который вы с собой тащите. В первую очередь, это все неотреагированные эмоции. Велика вероятность, что у вас есть проблемы с их выражением, особенно когда дело касается каких-либо интенсивных чувств. Попробуйте вспомнить всех тех людей, которым вы что-то когда-то недосказали. Настало время сделать это. Если у вас есть силы и возможность, лучше объясниться с ними “вживую”: при личной встреч, по телефону или в переписке. Но, к сожалению, это не всегда возможно. Альтернативный вариант — написать всем этим людям эмоциональные письма, в которых вы наконец-то проживете все те напряженные моменты, которое долгое время висели “в фоне”. Самое главное — не стесняйтесь и будьте честной в проявлении своих чувств. Не бойтесь погружаться в прошлые обиды и переживания — только так от них можно освободиться, а иначе они будут висеть мертвым грузом в вашей душе. Также очень важно научиться очерчивать границы психологического пространства. Для этого вам необходимо избавиться от лишних людей в вашей жизни и всех тех, кто приносит вам огорчения. Например, вы зачем-то поддерживаете отношения с подругой, общение с которой не приносит ничего, кроме расстройства и зависти. Это оттягивает у вас позитивную энергетику, в результате чего собственный дискомфорт перестает вами осознаваться. А ведь именно он является сигналом о нарушении границ. То же самое касается своих мнений, суждений и точек зрения на различные явления. Вам важно почувствовать свой внутренний стержень, который будет основываться на ваших собственных вкусах и предпочтениях. Никуда не деться и от осознавания собственных потребностей. Если вы уже давно привыкли полностью растворяться в отношениях, то пора бы это прекратить. В ритме жизни современного общества мы давно отвыкли слушать себя и свое тело: надо рано вставать, проводить кучу времени в пробках, много работать, перекусывать на ходу, мало спать и т.д. … Все это приходится делать через силу, и постепенно тело перестает подавать нам сигналы о наших нуждах. Но с этим необходимо бороться, потому, что когда мы не слышим себя, начинаются проблемы. Например, телесные болезни или психологическая зависимость от мужчины. В целом же хочется сказать о том, что люди избавляются от зависимых отношений, в первую очередь, осознавая их безнадежность. К сожалению, вам будет очень сложно справиться без профессиональной психологической помощи, так как проработка детских проблем, к примеру — очень непростое дело. Необходимо вспомнить и понять, откуда «растут ноги» у вашей зависимости, какие неприятные события лежат в ее основе. После этого развернуть и адресовать родителям те послания, из-за которых вы страдаете сейчас. Каждый раз, когда будет возникать желание “слиться” с кем-то, вспоминать, про что оно. И все же лучше это делать под контролем профессионала. Хотя вам доступен и другой путь — просто не давать себе подходить к “не тем” мужчинам.

Useful psychological exercises

Above we have tried to describe the general strategygetting rid of love addiction. But you also need specific exercises that you can do with a certain regularity. First of all, we recommend that you do the following:

• Getting rid of negative irrational attitudes. Ask yourself, how often do you fight anger with your partner? And why are you doing this? If you overcome psychological defenses and get to the truth, then there will be something like "you can not get irritated with your loved ones." This is an irrational setting. Consider it from all sides: why not? What happens if you get angry after all? Try to make an explanation in a form understandable to a four-year-old. Repeat it to yourself and say, do you believe him? Probably not. Now think about whether it is possible to always comply with this installation. Modify it in a way that you would be comfortable living with, and repeat it to yourself more often.
• Visualization of the “right” man.Draw yourself an image of someone you would really like to see next to you: their appearance, character traits, habits, behavior, and all other details. After that, every evening for a month, stay alone in a room for twenty minutes and imagine them. But not just alone, but next to you: how you walk together, kiss, dance, have dinner - all the things that couples do. And try to do this in all the details. You can even make a collage on this topic - it will enhance the effect.
• Finding yourself.Since you very often “dissolve” in others, you need to find yourself. To do this, think about the things you really like. Favorite bands, movies, books, countries, activities, dishes - only those that you really enjoy, and not imposed by society or someone important. Ask yourself about every phenomenon that you encounter on your way: “Do I like this?” Do not allow yourself the option “I don’t care” - on the contrary, try to make one or another choice every time.
• Awareness of their needs. First, close your eyes at least once an hour and ask yourself what I want right now. Then try to find in the surrounding world a way to meet your need. For example, sitting at work at two o'clock in the afternoon, you wanted to sleep. But this, of course, is unrealizable. But to close your eyes and take a nap for five minutes on the working chair is quite possible. When you want something to eat, try to listen to yourself, to find out what exactly you want right now. And so in everything, especially in relations with men.

Getting rid of love addiction is not easy, but it is possible. Like everything real in life, it requires some effort. But the result will exceed all your expectations. Good luck in love!

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