It's terrible when you're faced with loss.Experiencing grief is perhaps one of the most difficult and serious phenomena in the spiritual life of a person. How can you regain the meaning of life if someone close to you has died? How can a person devastated by loss survive grief and be reborn to a new life? How can you bring back colors and taste to it? All this is not the high-flown ravings of a madman, but very specific questions, the answers to which every person living in our world needs to know.

Stages of grief

Sometimes you wonder:Why are we given grief at all? Sometimes we want it to disappear completely, and then we will not experience the loss, melancholy and endless emptiness inside associated with it over and over again. But this is impossible, because, like everything else in the universe, grief has its own function. Only a person buries his fellows, and this has a deep psychological meaning: to bury is not to throw away and remove from life, but, on the contrary, to hide and keep in memory. Based on this, one can have different attitudes towards how to survive grief. But the most constructive is a positive and meaningful attitude, and it is this that can become a support for a person who is aware of the loss. In general, in his experiences, a person goes through several stages:

• The first stage is denial, numbness and shock.

Very often the first reaction to the news of deathis: “This can’t be!” Denial can last from a few minutes to a few weeks, but usually on the eighth day it gives way to a different picture. A characteristic feature of the new state is numbness. The person is constrained and tense, he has a feeling of unreality of what is happening, it seems to him that he feels nothing. All this helps the person to remain in the past, and not in the present (in which, as has already become known, there is no deceased). And that is why the first emotion to break through numbness is anger - this is how we react to all obstacles, namely, the new reality becomes an obstacle to communication with the deceased; it seems to pull us out of the past, where everyone is still alive.

• The next stage is the search stage

Usually its peak occurs between the fifth and twelfthday after receiving news of death. A person will grieve for a long time, because this is how he will be able to “strengthen himself in the present” and in the future remember the death of a loved one without excessive pain. The search stage is the next step on this path. It is distinguished by the fact that a person strives to return what was lost and fights not so much with the loss, but with its constancy. It is as if he lives in a state of contradiction: on the one hand, he understands that death is death, and there is no way back, and on the other, the edge of his consciousness continues to believe in a miracle (this manifests itself in thoughts like “I’ll call him now and hear his voice”). At the same time, reality in the perception of the grieving person is as if covered with a fog or veil.

• The third stage is the stage of acute grief

This is the most difficult period, lasting up toseven weeks, which is also designated as the period of suffering. It is at these moments that thoughts run through a person’s mind: “Help me survive my grief, because I am suffering so much!” The body’s reactions to grief may intensify: weakness, loss of energy, a lump in the throat, heaviness in the chest. The head is filled with heavy, and sometimes strange and frightening feelings and thoughts: emptiness, despair, meaninglessness, loneliness and abandonment, anger, guilt, anxiety. A person is absorbed in the image of the deceased: constantly thinks and remembers him, and idealizes him in every possible way. Relationships with others suffer, and a desire for solitude appears. But it is the stage of acute grief that is a turning point in his experience. Such depth of pain and suffering is explained directly by the actions of the grieving person: it is at these moments that he pushes away, walks away from the deceased (although earlier it seemed that the opposite was happening, and the deceased was leaving for another world). This is a very important period, because despite actual death, we can continue to remain in contact with the dead for as long as we like, but then life will cease to be real. In order to regain the sense of reality and full contact with life, this psychological separation from the deceased is necessary, which is inevitably accompanied by suffering and pain. But not only does contact with the deceased die out, but a new one is also born. This new one is a connection between the past and the present, a bridge between two worlds. It appears at the moment when the grieving person is able not only to contact the deceased, but to see them both in the past. This means placing the loss in the past and agreeing with this fact. It is as if the grieving person is divided into himself and the double, which remains in the past, and watching the double is no longer so painful. Grief is dulled at the moment when the grieving person can already look from the outside at everything connected with the deceased, and this means the end of the stage of acute grief.

• The fourth phase is the “residual shocks” phase.

Gradually life returns to normal:the person gets involved in professional activities, sleep and appetite return, and relationships with others are restored. The experience of grief fades from the foreground, but periodically returns in the form of sharp flashes and jolts. They are still capable of causing unpleasant feelings, but over time they happen less and less often (as a rule, they are associated with what reminds of the deceased - some dates, suddenly found things). The loss is integrated into life, because the person is forced to continue living and solve some problems in connection with this (for example, perform all the burial rituals), do various things. Gradually, more and more memories appear that are not associated with pain and grief.

• The final stage is the completion stage

The normal experience of grief is approaching herabout a year later. The grieving person is forced to overcome various cultural and social conventions, such as the idea that the duration of grief should be directly proportional to love for the deceased. The main point of this period is that the figure of the deceased should take some place in life and acquire a positive connotation, for example, become a symbol of kindness or decency.

How to go through the mountain with the least loss

Unfortunately, grief cannot be passed by:There are no magic tools that could help us avoid such experiences. As was written above, this period is necessary for accepting the loss and gaining the ability to move on. However, at some stages, the grieving person may need help and there will be a need for additional strength. How to reduce the degree of pain and find additional resources of strength will be written below.

The initial task associated with experiencegrief - this is the awareness of the reality of loss. The following actions contribute to this. First, talk. Do not force yourself, but try to share what is happening to you with loved ones or with a psychologist. Secondly, perform all the rituals of farewell to the deceased that you know - the most famous are funerals, wakes, etc. ... Living through all this will help to accept the most uncomfortable and unassimilable thoughts.

The second task is experiencing pain.At this stage, it is very important to realize that the feelings you are experiencing now are absolutely normal. This can be helped by searching for information about grief, reading books on the subject, talking to those who have already experienced loss. The fact that you are not alone and there are many people in the world with similar emotions and feelings somehow calms you down. When emotions become too strong, the following exercise can help reduce their intensity: draw a circle around yourself, enter it and express your strongest feelings: howl, scream, cry. In this way, you will release them from yourself, but they will be kept inside the circle. You will not take them with you into everyday life, and you will feel better.

It is important to adapt to the absence of the otherperson. Of course, he occupied an important place in your life and thus satisfied various needs: love, attention, care, communication, food and money, after all. If rationality is your strong point, try to understand what disappeared from your life along with the deceased person, what you feel lacking. After that, sit down and analyze the resources you have - what you lack to satisfy your needs. It is quite possible that you will discover many strong points in yourself. For example, a woman whose husband, who provided for her, died suddenly remembers her higher education diploma, some skills, and gets a job. And the skills that you lack, you can acquire.

Regulate the intensity of communication with othersyou with people. Most likely, they will be understanding about this. On the one hand, you will need support from them, and you can always ask for it, but on the other - perhaps you will quickly get tired of communication, and at such moments you need to learn how to painlessly leave contact with people.

Try to find meaning in the loss you have experienced.This is one of the most difficult actions, but it is also very important for completing your experiences. Start doing this after the peak of the acute grief stage has passed - severe pain simply will not allow you to switch to anything else. You can try to make a list of all possible meanings that can be in the fact that a loved one has left you. For example, in the case of serious illnesses, it can be pain relief. Or a meeting in heaven with his spouse. In any case, write down even the most absurd options that come to your mind - perhaps the most paradoxical of them will bring relief.

In a relationship with an unexpectedly left youa person always has a lot of unfinished moments. For example, you did not have time to say goodbye, did not say once again that you love or were offended immediately before he left for another world. All these things create unnecessary stress, from which it will be good to get rid of. So try to complete all the unfinished in the relationship with the deceased, for example, write him a letter in which describe your feelings, thoughts on him, ask for forgiveness for some of your misconduct. Perhaps it will take time and will require some spiritual strength, but this is an important step to experiencing grief.

Redirect energy from old relationships to new ones.Try to divide the energy you have into two streams - let one contact the loss and manifest itself in grief, and the other - in relationships with other loved ones. For example, a mother who has lost a child continues to love and care for her other children. At first, the energy directed toward the loss will decrease, and you will be able to think about the deceased without much pain and crying (this will no longer be grief, but sadness). And then recognition will arise, and you will understand how much everything has changed, what you have acquired in connection with this loss, how much wiser you have become.

The very last thing - find a place for that,what was lost. The deceased person will always be in your heart, and you will be able to reach out to him. After accepting the loss, there is a lot of energy left that you can direct to a good direction, in particular, to charity. You can also be a volunteer, especially if you function in areas that are somehow related to your loss. For example, people who lost their mother to oncology then organize funds to fight cancer.

Death is an inevitable part of lifecycle. And we, people living on this planet, have to accept it and learn to live next to it. As already written above, grief is a necessary stage, it is impossible to skip or bypass it. Some people prefer not to grieve, but to hide their experiences in the depths of the subconscious. But this is not a way out, since emotions will still live with you, the energy will be preserved and break through, but in the form of some unpleasant symptoms: irritability, nervousness, insomnia, psychosomatic diseases and addictions. Therefore, be honest with yourself and try to find that delicate balance that will help you not to slide into the abyss of suffering, but not to completely escape from your experiences. And remember that everything will pass, including pain. We advise you to read:

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