Have you ever had cases in your life when othersdownloaded you with their endless requests and problems? Someone needs to sit with their children, someone is constantly asking for money in debt, others are trying to help weed the beds in the garden. And on this line of interminable requests you are not able to say "no", because it's so scary to offend someone! And now you already feel the inner tension and fatigue, stop monitoring your personal time to please someone else's tactless demands. Do not you feel like Cinderella from a children's fairy tale that always separated millet from rice instead of having fun at the ball? How to learn to deny people requests if they cause discomfort and damage to your own life? Yes, yes, it is to learn, because it's right to say "no" - it's a whole art. After all, we want the sheep to be whole, and the wolves to be fed, is not it? As a rule, under heavy press requests of people around are hidden - at first they are very small and harmless. You are sort of checked for strength and how much you are able to withstand. And if you are too soft and trouble-free, then requests turn into strict demands. At first you are persuaded to sit with a small child - your girlfriend needs to be absent for a while. Then she wants to go to the hospital, to the store, to the hairdresser's. And now she is going with friends to drink beer and dance, and you humbly sit all evening with the baby. In the depths of your soul, you understand that this is arrogance, that the girlfriend stops looking for a serious reason - she continues to use you shamelessly. And your tongue does not turn to her to refuse: what kind of a girl are you after that? And, instead of spending the evening with your young man, you unreservedly continue to improve the quality of life of other people. Do you want to work as an "ambulance" before your old age, or is it time to learn to say "no" to intrusive people?
What turns you into an unrequited Cinderella?
Try to understand what causes youagree to do what may happen without your participation. In the end, the same Cinderella managed eventually to get rid of the endless requests from her stepmother and sisters. Why do not you collect your strength and understand the true motives of your behavior? After all, something allows you to say "yes" forever, although this word is only one letter shorter than "no"! So, there are several reasons: try to find your own and come to the right conclusion. So, start saying "no."
- You think that without you the world will collapse
Very often people do not dare to say "no"because they are firmly convinced that without their help the world will collapse. If you think that your friends can not cope without you, then this is not so. A friend may well take the baby to her mother or hire an nurse. Work on someone else's garden will not stop without you if the owner wants to harvest. A friend will take the money in the bank (of course, at interest rates - but what's the matter with you!). And the thought of abandoned children, rotten vegetables and a friend with an outstretched hand on the porch is a complete nonsense. Right? In the end, if you suddenly leave to the other side of the world, your friends can somehow solve their problems without you. So why do not they start doing it right now? After all, you're not Teresa's mother!
- Waiting for Gratitude
If you expect sincere gratitude for yourdiligence, then you will be disappointed: those who ask hardly see you as a generous and devoted friend. It's not about your kindness, but about the reliability, which all are accustomed to take for granted. People who load you with endless requests are just used to seeing you as a free assistant, a governess, a nurse with children. They are very comfortable with you, because you can take off part of the obligations and shift them to your infinitely strong shoulders - "it will not lose you". And what about you, is it convenient for you? Are you sure in the response support of your friends, will they quit their business in order to rush to your aid? As practice shows, this happens extremely and extremely rarely, alas, and ah.
- Fear of being outcast
Some people can not refuse someone'sa request for fear of being rejected. What if a person is disappointed in you, as in a friend, offended and stopped respecting? How then to live with this? If you are tormented by such thoughts - immediately discard them. For the sake of justice, it should be noted that such relationships are not reminiscent of friendships, but commodity-money relationships. If a person is sincerely to you, then he will never use you, and having received a "no" answer to his request, he will never condemn you. But if there are resentment and resentment in your address, then you should think: do you need such "friends"? Perhaps your complaisance is the only thing that keeps them close to you? Learning to say "no", you will have a wonderful chance to test it.
- A sense of self-worth
Or maybe you just like beingirreplaceable and meaningful for their friends? After all, the fact that they turn to you, and not to other people, makes you an authority in their own eyes. Then think about why this worries you? In the end, no one persuades you to become rigid and indifferent to other people's troubles. To give way to a pregnant woman in transport or to transfer a grandmother across the road is a sacred duty of everyone! If you feel that a person really needs your help - why not? But if others begin to parasitize your goodwill, if they do not appreciate your right to personal time - expect trouble. Once you can become a limp servant of other people's desires, and you will not be able to build your own happiness. To prevent this, learn as soon as possible to say "no"!
In fact, learn to deny people quitenot difficult. The first thing you need to do is realize that you are being manipulated. Any help should be voluntary, and fulfilling someone's demands "from under the cane" will bring to the soul only a feeling of irritation and dislike. Take on the arsenal of a few simple techniques that will make it easier for you to work on yourself:
- Mirror in the help
If you have difficulties with the wonderful word "no" -practice in front of the mirror. Speak calmly, slowly and confidently. You will see that there is nothing terrible in this word and your language is quite capable of pronouncing it. Ask your relatives to train with you - let them ask for something, and you will firmly refuse them. If you are embarrassed by them - reject the request of your turtle, cat, flower on the windowsill. Feel the pleasure of your inflexibility and ability to say "no" firmly. It's not that hard!
Do not be surprised, but very often it is difficult for peoplesay "no" because of ... a banal habit. If you are ready to say "Of course, I will do it" purely reflexively, then take a short pause after voicing the request. Gather your thoughts and say no.
- Eye contact
Refuse the interlocutor, looking straight into his eyes. Be laconic and do not mumb. Your insecurity and the flow of unnecessary words can lead to the fact that your speech will be accepted for consent. Or your refusal will simply be ignored, which is also very unpleasant. Therefore, it is so important to learn to say "no" firmly.
- Be persistent
As a rule, if earlier you have never refused,your first rebuffs will not be taken seriously. If your interlocutor does not back down and continues to insist, repeat the refusal. Usually, two key tricks come into play: "we are best friends" and pressure on pity. Do not fall for these fishing rods - the result you already know.
- Inadequate response
If you finally decide to learn how to speak"No", be prepared for unpleasant consequences. If your friend reacts inadequately to a refusal - offends you and even threatens (yes, it happens, and so on!), Take it easy. Simply, you were able to identify the real parasite, and it's better for you to protect yourself from communicating with him. It will be better for you, if such a boor never again assigns you to the circle of his friends. Once you learn to deny people of annoying requests, you will immediately feel freedom and a taste for life. This is universally done by others, and you can do it. Once the famous actress Faina Ranevskaya was asked for help and added: "Please do it." You're kind, you will not refuse. "There are two people living in me," she answered, "one kind, he would have agreed." And the other can refuse. Today is on duty second. Do not be afraid to show firmness and not give consent to something. Understanding how to learn to say "no", you will make you respect those who have recently filled you up with annoying requests. Say "yes" to your personality, then you will easily say "no" to people who are preventing you from living freely. Agree that for this you can learn to refuse! We advise you to read: