Have you ever had situations in your life whenHave people around you been burdening you with their endless requests and problems? Someone needs to babysit their children, someone is constantly asking for money on loan, others are persuading you to help them weed the garden beds. And you are unable to say "no" to this endless series of requests, because you are so afraid of offending someone with a refusal! And now you feel internal tension and fatigue, you stop controlling your personal time in favor of other people's tactless demands. Don't you feel like Cinderella from a children's fairy tale, who was always separating millet from rice instead of having fun at the ball? How can you learn to refuse people's requests if they cause inconvenience and harm your own life? Yes, yes, learn, because saying "no" correctly is a whole art. After all, we want both the sheep to be safe and the wolves to be well-fed, right? As a rule, people fall under the heavy pressure of requests from others unnoticed - at first they are very small and harmless. It's as if they are testing your strength and estimating how much you can withstand. And if you turn out to be too soft and accommodating, then the requests turn into tough demands. First, they persuade you to babysit a small child - your friend needs to leave for a while. Then she wants to go to the hospital, to the store, to the hairdresser. And now she is going with friends to drink beer and dance, and you meekly sit the whole evening with the baby. Deep down, you understand that this is already impudence, that your friend stops looking for a serious reason - she simply continues to shamelessly use you. And you can't bring yourself to refuse her: what kind of friend are you after that? And, instead of spending the evening with your boyfriend, you meekly continue to improve the quality of life of other people. Do you want to work as an ambulance driver until you are old, or is it time to learn to say a firm “no” to annoying people?
What turns you into an unrequited Cinderella?
Try to understand what reasons motivateyou agree to do something that can happen without your participation. After all, the same Cinderella managed to free herself from the endless requests of her stepmother and sisters. Why don't you gather your strength and figure out the true motives of your behavior? After all, something allows you to always say "yes", although this word is only one letter shorter than "no"! So, there are several reasons: try to find yours and come to the right conclusion. And that means starting to say "no".
- You think that without you the world will collapse
Very often people do not dare to speak"No", because they are absolutely sure that without their help the world will collapse. If you think that your friends can't cope without you, then you are wrong. A friend can easily take the baby to his mother or hire a babysitter. Work in someone else's garden will not stop without you if the owner wants to harvest. A friend will take money from the bank (of course, at interest - but what business is it of yours!). And the idea of abandoned children, rotten vegetables and a friend with an outstretched hand on the porch is complete nonsense. Right? After all, if you suddenly move to the other end of the world, your friends will be able to somehow solve their problems without you. So why don't they start doing it right now? After all, you are not Mother Teresa!
- Waiting for Gratitude
If you expect sincere gratitude for yourefforts, then you will be disappointed: those asking are unlikely to see you as a generous and devoted friend. It is not about your kindness, but about your reliability, which everyone is used to taking for granted. People who burden you with endless requests are simply used to seeing you as a free assistant, a governess, a nurse with children. They are very comfortable with you, because they can relieve themselves of some of their responsibilities and shift them onto your infinitely strong shoulders - "it will not hurt you." And what about you, is this convenient for you? Are you confident in the reciprocal support of your friends, will they drop their business to rush to your aid? As practice shows, this happens extremely, extremely rarely, alas and ah.
- Fear of being outcast
Some people can't refuse someone's requestrequest for fear of rejection. What if the person becomes disappointed in you as a friend, gets offended and stops respecting you? How will you live with this later? If you are tormented by such thoughts, discard them immediately. In fairness, it should be noted that such relationships are not reminiscent of friendship, but of commodity-money relations. If a person is sincerely disposed towards you, then he will never use you, and having received the answer "no" to his request, he will never judge you. But if there are grievances and indignation towards you, then it is worth considering: do you need such "friends"? Perhaps your compliance is the only thing that keeps them close to you? Having learned to say "no", you will have an excellent chance to test this.
- A sense of self-worth
Or maybe you just like beingirreplaceable and important for your friends? After all, the fact that they turn to you and not to other people makes you an authority in their own eyes. Then think about why this worries you? After all, no one is persuading you to become tough and indifferent to other people's troubles. Giving up your seat to a pregnant woman on public transport or helping an old lady cross the road is everyone's sacred duty! If you feel that a person really needs your help - why not? But if those around you begin to parasitize on your goodwill, if they do not value your right to personal time - expect trouble. One day you can turn into a weak-willed servant of other people's desires, and you will not have time to build your own happiness. To prevent this from happening, learn to say "no" as quickly as possible!
Love yourself!
In fact, learn to refuse people completelyIt's not difficult. The first thing you need to do is realize that you are being manipulated. Any help should be voluntary, and fulfilling someone's demands "under duress" will only bring a feeling of irritation and hostility into your soul. Arm yourself with a few simple techniques that will make it easier for you to work on yourself:
- Mirror in the help
If you have difficulty with the wonderful word “no” –Practice in front of a mirror. Speak calmly, slowly and confidently. You will see that there is nothing scary about this word and your tongue is quite capable of pronouncing it. Ask your relatives to practice with you - let them ask for something, and you firmly refuse them. If you are embarrassed by them - decline the request of your turtle, cat, flower on the windowsill. Feel the pleasure of your inflexibility and the ability to firmly say "no". It is not that difficult!
- Habit
Don't be surprised, but very often people find it difficultsaying "no" out of habit. If you are ready to say "Of course, I will do it" purely reflexively, then take a short pause after making the request. Collect your thoughts and say "no".
- Eye contact
Refuse your interlocutor by looking him straight in the eyes.Be concise and don't mumble. Your lack of confidence and a stream of unnecessary words can lead to your speech being taken as consent. Or your refusal will simply be ignored, which is also very unpleasant. That's why it's so important to learn to say "no" firmly.
- Be persistent
As a rule, if you have never done this beforerefused, your first rebuffs will not be taken seriously. If your interlocutor does not back down and continues to insist, repeat the refusal. Usually, two key techniques come into play: "we are best friends" and pressure on pity. Do not fall for these baits - you already know the result.
- Inadequate response
If you have finally decided to learn to speak"No", be prepared for unpleasant consequences. If your friend reacts inadequately to a refusal - insults you and even threatens (yes, this happens!), take it calmly. You have simply identified a real parasite, and it is better for you to protect yourself from communicating with him. It will be better for you if such a boor never again includes you in the circle of his friends. As soon as you learn to refuse people's annoying requests, you will immediately feel freedom and a taste for life. Others do this everywhere, you can do it too. Once the famous film actress Faina Ranevskaya was asked for help and added: - Please, do this. You are kind, you will not refuse. - There are two people living inside me, - she answered, - one is kind, he would agree. And the other may refuse. Today the second is on duty. Do not be afraid to show firmness and refuse to agree to something. Having understood how to learn to say "no", you will make those who recently overwhelmed you with annoying requests respect you. Say "yes" to your personality, then you will easily say "no" to people who prevent you from living freely. Agree that for this you can learn to refuse! We recommend reading:
