- This is some kind of madness ... - Vera starts nervouslybite off his fingernail, remembers himself, grasps his hands with a mug of coffee. "It makes me lose my temper to spit." And I know that Lera (a three-year-old daughter of Vera, author's note), is always in need of something. Nowhere to go, it just needs to be accepted. But I can not! I just do not have the strength - I explode, and then I sit and cry. She did not want anything bad, she just needs attention. And then Ignat (one-year-old son of Vera, author's note). Someone is ready to paste Vera's forehead with a label with a signature. # Jazhmat. They say, there was nothing to give birth, since they can not cope with the child. But I know that Vera is not like that at all. I have a daughter of 17 years, still sometimes the same anger rolls. Why?
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Fatigue
You know, such a global one.When there is no strength for anything, you just want to lie down and not move. Then any sound will be annoying. And when there are many of these sounds and they are all directed at you alone, even children's laughter can infuriate. And you are already yelling at the child, so that he would be silent for a little while, but he really does not understand what he did. In fact, not at all from household chores, although routine work can also be noted. You get tired of the impossibility of being alone with yourself, of the need to always be an adult, wise and responsible, of lack of sleep. Fatigue turns into anger. Anna, mother of five-year-old Julia and six-month-old Seryozha: - Since birth, my son has slept very badly. I didn't get enough sleep, I was like a zombie during the day. At the same time, it was necessary to cook dinner for her husband, clean up at least a little in the apartment, be sure to take a walk with the baby. In addition, we decided to take our daughter out of the garden for the first time so that she would not bring infection to the baby. And during the day I couldn't sleep either. Of course, I was at my limit. And since, except for my daughter, there was no one at home, I was frustrated at her. She seemed to scold her for the cause, but even the smallest defect was the reason for a big scandal. Sometimes I realized that I was finding fault, deliberately looking for an excuse to throw out my irritation. When you look at yourself from the outside and think: "What are you doing!" But anger was stronger than me. Psychologist Daria Grosheva:
- The most difficult, in my opinion, always mothersthe baby. She imagined this in a different way, she was tired, hard for her, she felt as if she were trapped. But here it is unequivocal: the infant has nothing to do with it. It must be remembered. With older children - preschoolers, junior schoolchildren - another process. The child already knows how to provoke. And it's harder to understand whether you are really angry with scattered toys or if you are being told some other emotions. You did not get angry yesterday, but today you broke up. What can be done? In case of fatigue, of course, enlist the support of family, loved ones.
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Guilt
You are not good enough mother, do not giveenough time for the kid, you sit too much on the Internet, today you do not deal with children with any developing activity ... No, it's not we who tell you, it's all your inner voice tells you. It's familiar, is not it? We are tormented by this feeling and ... yes, we are torn to the child. Anna: - Because of all this turmoil, I did not have time for my eldest daughter. We practically stopped reading and playing together. The child approached, saw that I was again busy, silently unfolded and departed. I just had a heart bleed at such moments. I went to her, sat down to play with her, and my thoughts were still in business. Once we sat down to play checkers, she thought for a long time over each turn, and I was nervous: I could have done so much. In general, as a result, I shouted at her to make her hurry. And everything again ended in tears.
Envy
A neighbor from three years old goes to English,daughter of a colleague in his six already possess an enviable stash of diplomas from dance competitions. And your child can boast only a masterful leap in puddles. And you seem to understand that all children are different, that each according to his abilities. But the worm is sharpening in the soul, if not to say "gnawing." And your child, calmly engaged in his own affairs, suddenly catches the poisonous: "What kind of a gift are you?" Oksana, the mother of five-year-old Misha and four-year-old Yura: "My husband and I initially decided that the child will have a simple childhood. He always has time to do something. At the same time, they agreed: ask him to give it to a circle, without any problems. But everything around us was literally obsessed with early development. Dancing, foreign languages, sports. Everyone is doing something, there are already successes, achievements, awards. I ask Misha: "Do you want to do something?" He does not want to. He is more interested in toys. Trying to get involved in sports - ignores. Drawing is boring. To mold - nudno.Skazhete, so they decided, so leave the child alone? Agree. But now get rid of feelings of envy and phrases: "But Olya / Petya / Vasya ..." I can not. Annoyed at the child, when he does nothing. By the way, my youngest son immediately surrendered. And sometimes even the tongue itches to put it as an example to his brother. But I'm holding on.When Mummy gets angry at the baby, because he does notjustified some of her expectations, you need to understand yourself. Ask yourself the question: what do other people say to me that it touches me? They boast about their children? But all the children are different. Shebutnoy by nature kid is unlikely to sit for long and draw. A calm tit one will not be a leader. Do you want your child to be a different person? But your expectations are your responsibility. A child has the right to be what he is.
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Prohibition of emotions
Chances are, you have a "good mom- a kind mother. " And you forbid yourself to get angry and show emotions. But patience still bursts, and you break down. You arrange a self-flagellation session for yourself, get even more furious with your imperfection, again try to put on a good face with a bad game, and again break down. And so on ad infinitum. The second option for prohibiting emotions is prohibiting their manifestation in children. And here options are possible: either it comes from your childhood, when you were scolded for too loud screams, for showing anger. Or the desire to assign an emotional framework to the child is an expression of your helplessness, powerlessness, and even fear. Svetlana, mother of six-year-old Kirill: - My husband has a very hot temper. Since childhood, he grew up pugnacious. Now, of course, I have learned to restrain myself, but emotions often prevail over reason. I'm very afraid that my son will go into him, and I see genetics in any manifestation of his anger. Therefore, I try to suppress them as much as possible. I understand that it is normal for a child to be angry, to show character. But, as soon as he begins to behave too emotionally, I instantly explode.
Aspiration for the ideal
Perfectionism is the desire to do everything for fiveplus. Such people are the hardest surviving the collapse of their own, sorry, illusions. You washed the apartment to shine, and the child came from the garden and created a creative mess for three minutes. You let out a neatly dressed child to walk, and the "piggy" came. And so on and so forth.
A photo: GettyImagesKsenia, mother of four-year-old Olya and Yana: - Two children quickly disaccustomed me from the desire for an ideal. I realized that if I continued to boil everything, iron, wash, and even in a double volume, I would soon be on a hospital bed. It remains to get rid of irritation when you're late for something, and girls dress extremely slowly. My soul is in itself on the vine. So you want to shout. And, of course, it's sad for me that I do not have time to do everything planned for the day. And it is very angry when the regime gets stuck. Instead of an afterwordYour anger is a natural reaction. This must be accepted. Many believe that a child is a different responsibility. Often they say to me: "I have no right to be angry." Have. You can get angry, you can get tired. We have many problems from this "I have no right". And how then to express emotions? If you feel that you are close to the point of the explosion, stop, breathe, count to yourself to ten. If a breakdown has already occurred and you understand that you are angry in vain, apologize. This in no way undermines your credibility. Do not criticize yourself for this frustration, it will only be worse - you will find yourself in a closed circle: get angry, lose your temper, because of this again, get angry. I am a supporter of honest conversation with the child. Explain to him why you were angry: "I'm tired. I do not feel myself well. I quarreled a bit with my dad or grandmother, yes, it also happens. You have nothing to do with it, but now I need to give some time to calm down. " If you apologized, but still feel your guilt before the child, then you somewhere did not forgive yourself. And with a strong internal anxiety, I still recommend that you turn to specialists to understand its causes. Also useful to know:
