- This is some kind of madness ... - Vera starts nervouslybite off his fingernail, remembers himself, grasps his hands with a mug of coffee. "It makes me lose my temper to spit." And I know that Lera (a three-year-old daughter of Vera, author's note), is always in need of something. Nowhere to go, it just needs to be accepted. But I can not! I just do not have the strength - I explode, and then I sit and cry. She did not want anything bad, she just needs attention. And then Ignat (one-year-old son of Vera, author's note). Someone is ready to paste Vera's forehead with a label with a signature. # Jazhmat. They say, there was nothing to give birth, since they can not cope with the child. But I know that Vera is not like that at all. I have a daughter of 17 years, still sometimes the same anger rolls. Why?
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Fatigue
You know, it’s global.When you have no strength for anything, you just want to lie down and not move. Then any sound will irritate you. And when there are a lot of these sounds and they are all directed at you alone, even a child's laughter can infuriate you. And you are already yelling at your child to at least shut up for a little while, but he really does not understand what he did. What can make you so tired? In fact, it is not at all from household chores, although routine work can also make a mark. You get tired of the inability to be alone with yourself, from the need to always be an adult, wise and responsible, from lack of sleep. Fatigue turns into anger. Anna, mother of five-year-old Yulia and six-month-old Seryozha: - My son has slept very poorly since birth. I did not get enough sleep, I was like a zombie during the day. At the same time, I had to cook dinner for my husband, at least clean the apartment a little, and definitely go for a walk with the baby. In addition, we decided to take our daughter out of kindergarten for the first time so that she would not bring infections to the baby. And I couldn't sleep during the day either. Of course, I was at my limit. And since there was no one else at home except my daughter, I took it out on her. It seemed like I was right to scold her, but even the smallest shortcoming was a reason for a big scandal. Sometimes I realized that I was picking on her, deliberately looking for a reason to throw out my irritation. When you look at yourself as if from the outside and think: "What are you doing!" But the anger was stronger than me. Psychologist Daria Grosheva:
- The most difficult, in my opinion, always mothersthe baby. She imagined this in a different way, she was tired, hard for her, she felt as if she were trapped. But here it is unequivocal: the infant has nothing to do with it. It must be remembered. With older children - preschoolers, junior schoolchildren - another process. The child already knows how to provoke. And it's harder to understand whether you are really angry with scattered toys or if you are being told some other emotions. You did not get angry yesterday, but today you broke up. What can be done? In case of fatigue, of course, enlist the support of family, loved ones.
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Guilt
You are not a good enough mother, you don’t pay attentionnot enough time for the baby, too much time on the Internet, haven’t done any developmental activities with the children today… No, we’re not telling you this, your inner voice is telling you all this. Sounds familiar, right? We suffer from this feeling and… yes, we snap at the child. Anna: — Because of all this fuss, I had no time left for my eldest daughter. We practically stopped reading and playing together. The child would come up, see that I was busy again, silently turn around and walk away. At such moments, my heart would simply bleed. I would go to her, sit down to play with her, but my thoughts were still on business. Once we sat down to play checkers, she thought for a long time about each move, and I was nervous: there was so much she could do. Anyway, in the end, I yelled at her to hurry up. And everything again ended in tears.
Envy
My neighbor's son has been going to English classes since he was three years old.A colleague's daughter, at six, already has an enviable stack of diplomas from dance competitions. And your child can only boast of a masterful jump into puddles. And you seem to understand that all children are different, that each according to his abilities. But a worm gnaws at your soul, if not to say "gnaws". And your child, calmly going about his business, is suddenly caught off guard by a poisonous: "What kind of talentless person are you?!" Oksana, mother of five-year-old Misha and four-year-old Yura: - My husband and I initially decided that our child would simply have a childhood. He will always have time to do something. At the same time, we agreed: if he asks to enroll him in some club himself - no problem. But everyone around us is literally obsessed with early development. Dancing, foreign languages, sports. Everyone is doing something, there are already successes, achievements, awards. I ask Misha: "Do you want to do something?" He doesn't want to. He is more interested in toys. I try to get him interested in sports – he ignores me. Drawing is boring. Sculpting is tedious. You will say, you decided so yourself, so leave the child alone? I agree. But now I can’t get rid of the feeling of envy and the phrase: “But Olya/Petya/Vasya...” I get irritated with the child when he does nothing. By the way, I immediately sent my youngest son to swimming. And sometimes I even want to set him as an example to his brother. But I hold on.When Mummy gets angry at the baby, because he does notjustified some of her expectations, you need to understand yourself. Ask yourself the question: what do other people say to me that it touches me? They boast about their children? But all the children are different. Shebutnoy by nature kid is unlikely to sit for long and draw. A calm tit one will not be a leader. Do you want your child to be a different person? But your expectations are your responsibility. A child has the right to be what he is.
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Prohibition of emotions
Most likely, you have a “good” mindset.Mom is a kind mom." And you forbid yourself to get angry and show emotions. But patience still snaps, and you lose your temper. You arrange a session of self-flagellation, get even more furious about your imperfection, again try to put a good face on a bad game, and again lose your temper. And so on ad infinitum. The second option for banning emotions is to forbid their expression in children. And here there are several options: either this comes from your childhood, when you were scolded for shouting too loudly, for showing anger. Or the desire to set emotional boundaries for your child is an expression of your helplessness, impotence and even fear. Svetlana, mother of six-year-old Kirill: - My husband has a very hot temper. He grew up pugnacious. Now, of course, he has learned to restrain himself, but emotions often prevail over reason. I am very afraid that my son will follow him, and I see genetics in any manifestation of his anger. Therefore, I try to suppress them as much as possible. I understand that it is normal for a child to get angry, to show character. But as soon as he starts to behave too emotionally, I immediately explode.
Aspiration for the ideal
Perfectionism is the desire to do everything perfectly.plus. Such people experience the collapse of their, excuse me, illusions the hardest. You washed the apartment until it shined, and the child came home from kindergarten and made a creative mess in three minutes. You let a neatly dressed child out for a walk, and a "piglet" came. And so on and so forth.
A photo: GettyImagesKsenia, mother of four-year-old Olya and Yana: - Two children quickly disaccustomed me from the desire for an ideal. I realized that if I continued to boil everything, iron, wash, and even in a double volume, I would soon be on a hospital bed. It remains to get rid of irritation when you're late for something, and girls dress extremely slowly. My soul is in itself on the vine. So you want to shout. And, of course, it's sad for me that I do not have time to do everything planned for the day. And it is very angry when the regime gets stuck. Instead of an afterwordYour anger is a natural reaction.This needs to be accepted. Many people believe that a child is a different responsibility. People often tell me: “I have no right to be angry.” Yes, you do. You can be angry, you can be tired. We have many problems because of this “I have no right.” So how can you express your emotions? If you feel that you are close to the point of explosion, stop, breathe, count to ten in your head. If the breakdown has already happened and you understand that you got angry in vain, apologize. This in no way undermines your authority. Do not blame yourself for this breakdown, it will only get worse - you will find yourself in a vicious circle: you get angry, you lose your temper, and because of this you get angry again. I am a supporter of an honest conversation with your child. Explain to him why you got angry: “I am tired. I don’t feel well. I had a little fight with my dad or grandma, yes, that happens too. It’s not your fault, but now I need to give me some time to calm down.” If you apologized, but still feel guilty in front of your child, then you have not forgiven yourself somewhere. And if you have strong internal anxiety, I still recommend contacting specialists to understand its causes. It is also useful to know:
