- I do not like him! - Tanya's friend does not even cry, just looks at one point and repeats this sentence monotonously: - I do not like him. I take care, but I do not like. I'm so ashamed. No, it's not about Tanya's husband. Everything is fine there, love, a wedding, a happy nine months and a long-awaited replenishment. It's about a two-week-old son who quietly snores in a crib, not knowing what passions are raging in his mother's heart. "Did your husband say?" I ask carefully. "What are you?" - the look speaks for itself. "How can I say this?" We Fedyu so waited ... Indeed, in fact, it is commonly believed that this is the men's paternal feelings do not wake up immediately. Like, dad needs time to understand: he is a father. And my mother unconditionally adoring penetrates even during pregnancy. Or not?
Photo: GettyImagesOur expert is Alexandra Audren, clinical, child and perinatal psychologist, head of the happy motherhood club MammaMia:
- The long-awaited child is, but insanelove, well, or at least just tender feelings for him is not - this is a very frequent situation. And the woman suffers from this, and blames herself, but she can not share her feelings with anyone. In our culture, these topics are taboo!
Too much is necessary
In fact, I understand Tanya well. Because five years ago she went through this feeling of "dislike". The first weeks of doing everything on autopilot: wash, change, feed, lay - a solid Groundhog Day. She looked at the tiny face and tried to evoke emotions. Did not have. There was a sense of duty. And shame. Especially when I saw with what love for the crumb are surrounding. Then, analyzing my feelings, I remembered that my first sincere emotions were caused by the smile of my son. And feelings for him came as soon as the emotional response from him. Alexandra Audren:- There are many reasons for "dislike". The most frequent is the strong divergence of the desired with the real. Mom thought that she would walk for hours with the baby, cute snuffling in the stroller. But in fact she does not have time to go out onto the street, because as long as she clings to him - he has already turned round and burst into tears. She thought she would be an ideal mother, wife, mistress, but the kid was not so calm and pliable. And she had no time to cook soup, just to comb her hair. Due to too high demands for themselves, irritation grows, including on the child, because it is because of him that she can not do everything. Plus, one can not find a common language with the baby. Especially if it's the first-born. Mom does not understand how to reassure him, what to do with him at all. And not everything in the care of him turns out smoothly and dexterously.
There are other reasons?
What our expert says is everyday. Cope with them with the support of the family will not be difficult. The advice is simple - do not pull the blanket over. Throw aside your perfectionism and gratefully accept the help of your loved ones. And if they do not know how to offer it, do not hesitate to ask yourself. You will not look weak and helpless at the same time. It is normal when the whole family cares for a small child. But there are other situations, as a result of which love, alas, has to be cultivated within years. Alexandra Audren:- It happens that the appearance of the baby plays a crucialrole. Waited for the blue-eyed blond to like dad. And he is brown-eyed - he was born into a grandfather. Or, for example, a couple is waiting for a boy and can not reconcile with the birth of a girl. Or vice versa. Another story - when a woman blames a child, that she was suffering because of him in difficult births. Or that because of him she is now so completely unsympathetic with a sagging belly. Usually unconscious. But these are already issues that psychologists must solve.
Get out of the trap
You can hedge and try in advanceto avoid such a situation. Often go to visit young mothers, help them to mess with crumbs, to understand that infancy is not an ideal picture. Go to the training courses for motherhood, so if you drop it accidentally, it's not a baby, it's a doll. And its already to hold tight, confident and do everything cleverly. But if it so happened, you need to get out of depression. At the first stage you can help yourself. Our expert gives some important advice.
Photo: GettyImages- Do not brand yourself! You are not a bad mom, these are the features of the adaptation period. - As much time as possible spend with the baby, especially in tactile contact: hug, kiss, carry on hands .- Watch him. So you will soon find a common language .- Do not compare yourself with other moms. The ideal picture in the social network is just a picture and nothing more. With real life, it has little in common. - Do not torture yourself from love. Just be close and honest, with diligence fulfill your duties. Agree, to love a person you first need to know! So find out - it's like a small, completely dependent on you, but still a separate person, and yourself as a mom. And the last. If it makes it easier for you, then Anna Freud wrote that the mother is "only a significant object in the life of the baby, because it gives pleasure and eliminates discomfort." And only by 5-6 months he begins to really enjoy her company. Give yourself time. A few months will pass, and you, without noticing it, will understand that you already love your crumb with all your heart! Also interesting:
