- I do not like him! - Tanya's friend does not even cry, just looks at one point and repeats this sentence monotonously: - I do not like him. I take care, but I do not like. I'm so ashamed. No, it's not about Tanya's husband. Everything is fine there, love, a wedding, a happy nine months and a long-awaited replenishment. It's about a two-week-old son who quietly snores in a crib, not knowing what passions are raging in his mother's heart. "Did your husband say?" I ask carefully. "What are you?" - the look speaks for itself. "How can I say this?" We Fedyu so waited ... Indeed, in fact, it is commonly believed that this is the men's paternal feelings do not wake up immediately. Like, dad needs time to understand: he is a father. And my mother unconditionally adoring penetrates even during pregnancy. Or not?
Photo: GettyImagesOur expert is Alexandra Audren, clinical, child and perinatal psychologist, head of the happy motherhood club MammaMia:
- The long-awaited child is, but insanelove, well, or at least just tender feelings for him is not - this is a very frequent situation. And the woman suffers from this, and blames herself, but she can not share her feelings with anyone. In our culture, these topics are taboo!
Too much is necessary
In fact, I understand Tanya well.Because five years ago I myself went through this feeling of “lack of love”. The first weeks I did everything on autopilot: wash, change, feed, put to bed – a continuous Groundhog Day. I looked at the tiny face and tried to evoke emotions in myself. There were none. There was a sense of duty. And shame. Especially when I saw how lovingly those around me treated the little one. Later, analyzing my feelings, I remembered that my son’s smile evoked the first sincere emotions in me. And feelings for him came as an emotional response from him appeared. Alexandra Audren:— There are actually many reasons for “dislike”.The most common is a strong discrepancy between what is desired and what is actually happening. The mother thought that she would walk for hours with the baby, sweetly snoring in the stroller. But in reality, she doesn’t even have time to go outside, because by the time she dresses him, he has already pooped and started crying. She thought that she would be an ideal mother, wife, housewife, but the baby turned out to be not so calm and accommodating. And she has no time to cook soup, let alone comb her hair. Because of the excessively high demands on herself, irritation grows, including towards the child, because it is because of him that she cannot do everything. Plus, she can’t find a common language with the baby. Especially if it is the firstborn. The mother does not understand how to calm him down, what to do with him at all. And not everything in caring for him goes smoothly and deftly.
There are other reasons?
What our expert talks about are momentshousehold. It will not be difficult to cope with them with the support of your family. The advice is simple - do not pull all the blanket over yourself. Throw aside your perfectionism and gratefully accept the help of your loved ones. And if they do not guess to offer it, do not hesitate to ask yourself. You will not look weak and helpless. It is normal when the whole family takes care of a small child. But there are other situations as a result of which love, alas, has to be cultivated in yourself for years. Alexandra Audren:- It happens that the appearance of the baby plays a crucialrole. Waited for the blue-eyed blond to like dad. And he is brown-eyed - he was born into a grandfather. Or, for example, a couple is waiting for a boy and can not reconcile with the birth of a girl. Or vice versa. Another story - when a woman blames a child, that she was suffering because of him in difficult births. Or that because of him she is now so completely unsympathetic with a sagging belly. Usually unconscious. But these are already issues that psychologists must solve.
Get out of the trap
You can play it safe and try in advanceavoid such a situation. Visit young mothers more often, help them fiddle with their babies, to understand that infancy is not an ideal picture. Go to courses to prepare for motherhood, so that if you accidentally drop a baby, then not a baby, but a doll. And hold your own firmly, confidently and do everything deftly. But if this happens, you need to get out of depression. At the first stage, you can help yourself. Our expert gives some important advice.
Photo: GettyImages— Don't label yourself!You are not a bad mother, these are the peculiarities of the adaptation period. - Spend as much time as possible with your baby, especially in tactile contact: hug, kiss, carry in your arms. - Observe him. This way you will find a common language faster. - Do not compare yourself with other mothers. The ideal picture on social networks is just a picture and nothing more. It has little in common with real life. - Do not force love out of yourself. Just be there and honestly, diligently fulfill your duties. Agree, in order to love a person, you first need to know him! So get to know him - as a small, completely dependent on you, but still a separate person, and yourself as a mother. And the last thing. If this makes you feel better, then Anna Freud wrote that the mother is only "a significant object in the life of an infant to the extent that she gives pleasure and eliminates discomfort." And only by 5-6 months does he begin to truly enjoy her company. Give yourself time. A few months will pass, and without even noticing it, you will understand that you already love your little one with all your heart! Also interesting:
