Very often you can hear about how wivessuspect their husbands of all mortal sins. Of course, being on guard seems safer, but for some reason many of us increasingly ask ourselves how to learn to trust our husbands. And this is something to be happy about, since the problem of trust in relationships is one of the most significant in communicating with a partner. We will try to find out why it disappears and what can be done about it.

Relationships without trust

How do you imagine an ideal relationship?If we put aside the most romantic pictures, they necessarily include closeness, which is based on trust. It is in pursuit of this state that we rush headlong into a love relationship, hoping to find our soul mate who will share the rest of our lives with us. What is trust? According to psychologists, it is a subjective state of a person in a relationship with a partner, which is characterized by a readiness to transfer information, some rights and even things to another. You are ready to tell your loved one something intimate and do some special things with him. Usually, trust depends on compliance with internal rules and tacit agreements that exist between partners. Moreover, each of them can have their own. Without confidence in the decency and goodwill of the other person, it simply cannot exist. Trust allows you to relax in a relationship and open up to your partner. Without it, it is simply impossible to experience that true love that is described in many outstanding books. Now imagine a relationship without trust. They are associated with a constant feeling of anxiety and fear, arising from the expectation of danger and betrayal. You need to be very attentive to your man in order to see insincerity in his behavior in time. You cannot receive support from him, since there are always doubts about the goals of its provision. In short, one solid minus. But why then do you need such a relationship if there is no unity with a loved one? As a rule, a woman in this case has a pronounced fear of being alone. If you add to this the lack of positive experience of sincerity and intimacy in relationships, it turns out that she prefers to be content with little rather than try to change anything. However, since you are reading this article, it is important for you to learn how to learn to trust your husband and break the vicious circle.

Causes of suspicion

Trust never goes away from a relationshipso, although, unfortunately, in some cases it does not even appear. It is always connected with some internal reasons. Moreover, they can be located both on the male and female side, and sometimes on the border between them. Female suspicion

• Lack of basic trust in the worldPsychologists define this personality trait as the way we see the reality around us. It may seem hostile to us, full of dangers, threats and anxiety. People in this case seem to be insidious and cynical deceivers who do everything only for themselves. The opposite pole is that the world seems fair and honest, and people are kind and positive subjects. Naturally, there are intermediate states, which are still closer to a certain pole to one degree or another. According to psychoanalysts, the origins of such hostility and suspicion lie in human infancy. During the first year of life, a child satisfies all his needs through his mother, and if she responds to his signals in a timely manner, then he begins to perceive the world in a friendly manner. But if she is cold and inattentive, then this forms the basis for future problems.
• “Snout in the cannon” Another mechanism, becausewhich we do not trust people - when we ourselves cannot boast of honesty in relationships. Human nature is such that we understand others only through the prism of our own personality. For example, you get angry when someone yells at you, and you naturally assume that the other person will experience the same thing. In the case of deception, it works in much the same way: you see signals in the other about the same experiences that you are experiencing at the moment, and it seems to you that your partner is doing the same. The mechanism “if I cheat, then everyone does it, including my husband” is triggered.
• Feelings of inferiorityAgree, it is very easy to suspect others of negative actions towards you if you yourself believe that you are worthless. Then it begins to seem that everyone wants to hurt you, because you are a nonentity. You will not protect yourself anyway, and in general you are not worthy of good treatment and correct actions. And with each new “kick” you are more and more convinced of this. In addition, there is a possibility that due to this quality, you surround yourself with people who are able to confirm the correctness of your picture of the world with their negative actions. This is how this vicious circle works.
• Disrespect for the husband For this reason it breaks upmany marriages, especially in Russia. Have you seen how a typical Russian woman behaves? She is always “naggling” her husband with her nasty voice, constantly telling him what he is doing wrong and how it should be done in reality. Behind all this is a subconscious desire to humiliate a man, proving to him that he is a zero without a stick. A direct consequence of this desire is the conviction that the husband still does everything through the wrong place and is capable of “screwing up” in any matter. Although sometimes there is a paradoxically opposite situation, when a woman considers her man such a worthless person who will not go anywhere anyway. And completely in vain. Such energy is contrary to nature and sooner or later kills everything good in the relationship.
• Traumatic experience It is very difficult to trust people,if you have ever been deceived. Our psyche is designed in such a way that it transfers experience from the past to the future in order to bring at least some clarity and predict something. Another thing is that because of this basic feature, you risk being left without a positive outlook on relationships if men have already behaved badly with you. It is worth understanding that not all people are the same, especially if you married a completely different person, unlike the one who once deceived you. And sometimes you yourself, with your paranoia, create preconditions for a man to behave the way you “expect” from him.

So, very often a woman cannot do it on her ownunderstand how to learn to trust her husband. Personal characteristics and other problems on her part prevent her from doing this. However, you can’t “blame” everything entirely on one of the partners. It often happens that a man provokes suspicion in his girlfriend. How and why does he do this? Male behavior

• Closed Some people are secretive fromnature. They do not need much communication, they do not like noisy companies and do not seek to share intimate fragments of their inner world even with the closest people. Sometimes it may seem that they do not need anyone at all - they have a great time alone. However, this impression is deceptive. Any person needs another in order to be together, sharing important experiences in life. And it is much more difficult for closed people to find such a partner. Their character does not stem from the desire to hide something from you. They distance themselves due to the peculiarities of the nervous system, “thanks” to which they very quickly become tired of contact with others. But being around such a “mysterious” person is certainly not easy.
• Personal space For some mena heightened sense of their own boundaries, and they perceive any intrusion into them with aggression. Of course, someone is encroaching on their territory, and it needs to be urgently protected! You will probably have a hard time, because you need to adapt to such features. Most likely, your spouse has his own place in the apartment, and maybe more than one, in which it is better to leave him alone. He painfully perceives both your attempts to get into his phone or profile on social networks, and simply distraction from the things he is doing. Perhaps he fences off his space even in bed and is wary of touching. If all this is true, then we advise you to accept your husband as he is. All these boundaries are not because he has something to hide, but from a heightened attention to his territory, and this is just such a personality trait.
• Provocative behavior Your husband sometimesbehaves very cruelly: does not pick up the phone, does not say where he is going, sweetly “chirps” with some young lady, etc. ... At the same time, when you talk to him normally about this, he admits that he was wrong. This happens especially often when you try to find out more about what he does or express complaints to him. It all seems like a strange provocation towards you. It is as if he is a nervous teenager who is forbidden to do something, and he begins to behave even more aggressively. Of course, this is very unpleasant, but it is necessary to understand what lies behind such a line of behavior. Perhaps he wants to teach you a lesson or take revenge on you for something. But it is quite difficult to trust him after this.
• Strange Values ​​There is a whole categorymen with very vague ideas about what is good and what is bad. They can easily explain to you why in some cases betrayal, murder or theft are completely justified. It is all due to the rather strange values ​​that underlie the worldview of such subjects. They have broad boundaries, and their list of acceptable actions may include a much larger number than that of a person with traditional morality. For example, it may be considered that sex without feelings is not betrayal. You must admit, it is not easy to live with such a person. Another thing is that the vagueness of values ​​is difficult to hide, and if a woman marries such a man, it means that she accepts his views.
• Stinginess in the manifestation of feelings Emotions - this isa marker of everything that happens to a person. If you feel something, it means that you are alive, and the other person also feels it in contact with you. But when there are few emotions or a person shows them sparingly, then there is a feeling that he is insincere or hiding something. This is due to the fact that you do not understand what is happening, it remains a mystery to you. And where there is uncertainty, there is always anxiety and suspicion. Our brain is designed in such a way that it prefers to fill the void with its fantasies. The same thing happens in relationships with your husband. If he shows you little of his feelings, then you begin to worry that he does not love you. And when some controversial situation arises (for example, he does not pick up the phone), your most unpleasant fantasies come to the surface.

Of course, we are not talking about situations whereyour partner shows you blatant disrespect. It is natural that you do not trust a person who is constantly hanging out, abuses alcohol and has been caught lying more than once. But asking yourself in this case how to regain trust is absolutely pointless. You should think about how to break off a painful relationship, but that is a completely different story.

Lie theory

In order to understand how to trust a man,you need to understand how and why people lie. Of course, this question may seem stupid to someone, because even a hedgehog can understand where lies come from. But in fact, everything is not so simple, and we will try to figure it out before deciding what to do about it. Naturally, people deceive each other to satisfy some of their desires. A very common situation is when a person lies in order to seem better than he really is. A strange desire, but not for someone familiar with psychology. One of the basic human needs is the need for status and respect from society. It must be satisfied along with thirst, hunger and the desire to be safe. But if a person does not feel sufficiently accomplished, if he does not feel respect from others, then he can start to lie. This is especially true for men who have greater self-esteem than women. For example, a story about a lucrative contract for a company that he independently concluded may in reality turn out to be a simple deal in which your man took part. And how can you trust them after that?! Well, a classic example of how people lie, wanting to get their way - is a man courting a woman just to sleep with her. He is ready to do everything, shower her with unimaginable compliments and perform incredibly beautiful deeds, but his goal is very mundane. Naturally, no one will tell a girl directly: “I just want to sleep with you.” After that, the annoying subject will most likely be sent far away. But if you deceive beautifully, then the probability of success becomes much higher. But this is not the worst thing. It is much worse if your husband deceives you because it is simply more convenient for him. A classic example is a cunning cheater. He lies to his wife, telling fables about superficial and platonic communication with other girls. Naturally, it is convenient for him when his house is a full cup, and everyone around him considers him a good family man. But he also deceives his mistress, exaggerating stories about his wife-shrew. He comes up with all sorts of reasons why he cannot get a divorce, although his heart is pining from “doomed” love. Thus, based only on considerations of his own convenience, such a man is capable of doing everything just to “fool” two women. This partly echoes the moment when a man lies to you to avoid responsibility. It sounds paradoxical, but until you find out about everything, the deception seems to not exist. And to be precise, he simply does not face responsibility for it. And he continues to lie further in order to hide this whole bunch of lies, which have a lot of internal connections. So, there are a great many reasons for lying. But how do you know that your husband is cheating on you? In general, of course, it is difficult to believe in principle: how can a loved one and close person tell lies and do unpleasant things? But, unfortunately, it happens. And you need to know the signs of a lie in order to learn to separate reality from fiction. There are a number of purely technical points that you can rely on when analyzing what is happening:

• The person talks a lot Or uses a lotmore words than are necessary in a given situation. It all looks like some kind of wall, the main purpose of which is to cover up a lie. Subconsciously, the idea is spinning in my head: “The more I say, the more truthful the story will look.” And if I add details, then everything will be great. Only this is not true and, as a rule, is a sign of a lie.
• Careful choice of words When you lie, youIt is necessary to keep several branches of the conversation in mind at once in order not to get confused and not “show your cards”: the past - so that everything matches, the present - to continue “making” history, and the future - to assume, based on all this, what you will say next. In short, enormous brain resources are required, which is why the liar gets very tired. Pauses in the conversation also indicate this.
• Conversation rate Except in rare casesskillful lying, the speed of the deceiver's speech changes noticeably. Speech may become slow due to the reasons described above - a person thinks for a long time about what to say. Or it may become quite fast when the subject, firstly, is worried and cannot hide it, and, secondly, by pouring out large amounts of information at an accelerated pace, he subconsciously hopes to confuse you and reduce your concentration. Then the probability of being caught becomes lower. By the way, the intonation of the liar also changes - usually the voice becomes higher. This is a psychophysiological reaction.
• Speech is often apologetic in nature. Whena person lies, he initially has a subconscious feeling of guilt before you. And telling his stories, he seems to be trying to justify himself. The speech contains a lot of constructions and words that present the speaker in a positive light.

Surely, wondering how to learntrust your partner, you are especially interested in the aspect of his relationship with the opposite sex. How does a cheating man behave? He becomes very picky about his wife, because he believes that it is she who is to blame for everything, because she provokes him to such actions. Accordingly, scandals and quarrels become more frequent, after which he is thrown into the opposite hypostasis - he somehow especially zealously tries to compensate for his guilt. In general, intermittent and abrupt changes in mood and behavior - an alarming signal. As a rule, all sorts of binges, drinking and other actions associated with self-destruction are added to it. And finally, the most reliable sign is the voice of your intuition. A woman almost always feels when a man has another, even if the whole world is trying to dissuade her of this. So first of all, you should trust yourself.

What to do?

So, you've analyzed your relationship andrealized that you have no objective reasons for mistrust. Accordingly, in order to improve communication, it is necessary to return openness and sincerity to it. What should be done for this?

Find and defuse your own neurosesTrust issues, as we have already written, are usually associated with distortions in personal development. Which, in turn, can arise due to a bad climate in the parental family, a departed father, emotional coldness in the relationship with the mother, etc. ... It is very difficult to do this on your own, so we would recommend that you consult a psychologist. It will be necessary to trace and see the connection between the events of past years and your problems now.

See how your mistrust weakens yourrelationships In general, suspiciousness is a healthy mental trait designed to protect it from possible danger. But if you are constantly fighting an imaginary threat, it exhausts both you and your husband. He does not feel your support, care and love. It seems to him that you consider him weak or bad, which is why you are moving further and further away from each other. Your shortcomings become more and more obvious. Therefore, you should see and realize how bad it is to be overly suspicious - then it will be easier to say goodbye to this quality.

Analyze what you are afraid of. It is possiblenot trust a man in different ways. For example, you deny the possibility that your husband will achieve serious success for a number of reasons. In this situation, you subconsciously strive to become higher by humiliating him. Think about why you do this and where its roots grow. If we talk about jealousy, then follow the chain from “I'm afraid that my husband will cheat on me” to the meaning behind these words. What will happen then? You will feel pain. Where will it come from? From the feeling of betrayal. What is betrayal? And so on. You will probably reach a point where low self-esteem and self-doubt “surface”.

Raising self-esteem So, the most jealousare usually the most insecure people. This is because your suspiciousness seems to be telling you: “You are not worthy of something beautiful. There are plenty of people better than you around, and you will definitely be betrayed and deceived.” In order to get rid of this, learn to pay attention to positive feedback. When people give you compliments, calmly accept them, and most importantly, believe in them. Make mental notes in your head when you do something well. If you fail, try to cover the entire spectrum of possible reasons with your gaze, and do not engage exclusively in self-flagellation.

Eliminate negative irrational attitudesYou've probably been told since childhood: "You can't trust people." Or: "If you turn your back, you'll get a kick in the ass." Such ideas shape your worldview, and you simply can't see anything that doesn't fit into their framework. So they need to be shaken. Take one such attitude and check its veracity. Ask yourself, does this really happen 100% of the time? And when doesn't it happen? Give yourself a few examples from your life and in general, for example, from books. Why does this happen? Perhaps you should somehow adjust your attitude. But how? And so on - until it turns into something sane and useful. Although, in general, any rigid framework is not good.

Start Living Life to the Fullest It's very easy to fall intosuspiciousness, when you have no interests of your own. You completely dissolve in your husband, and if he tries to take a break, even for a short while, you worry. There is only one way out - to break the merger. To do this, learn to spend time without him: come up with a cool hobby, sign up for dancing, chat with your girlfriends. There are a lot of options - the main thing is that you really learn to sometimes "unstick" from your partner and enjoy autonomy.

If you have been deceived…

“What should I do if I don’t trust my husband becausethat he has already betrayed me once?” you may ask. Yes, this is a very difficult and slippery topic. Trusting a man in this case is very, very difficult. But it is possible. First, you need to go through all the pain and suffering associated with his betrayal - excess jealousy and anxiety will burn out in them. They are the ones that begin to attack you after reconciliation and force you to take revenge. You need to firmly understand why you decided to forgive him. If this decision is based on love, then you can start trusting him again. The main thing is to really want it and realize that a relationship without trust is doomed. And you don’t want to lose your beloved man, do you? And don’t give a damn about what others say - a couple’s relationship should not be based on other people's advice. Remember that if a man came back to you after betrayal, then he really values ​​you and wants to be with you. Even despite the burden of guilt and responsibility associated with it. Men do not love him, so when they return after betrayal, they become completely different. Therefore, you should start trusting him, because the probability of repeat betrayal in a good person is close to zero. Take care of each other!

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