Very often you can hear about how wivessuspect their husbands in all mortal sins. Of course, being on guard is kind of safer, but for some reason many of us are more and more often wondering how to learn to trust a husband. And this should only be reassured, because the problem of trust in relations is one of the most significant in communicating with a partner. We will try to find out why it disappears and what can be done about it.
Relationships without trust
How do you imagine an ideal relationship? If we discard very romantic pictures, they necessarily include an affinity that is based on trust. It is in the pursuit of this state that we rush headlong into the pool of love relationships, hoping to find our soul mate who will share with us the rest of life. What is trust? According to psychologists, this is a subjective state of a person who is in a relationship with a partner, which is characterized by a willingness to transfer information, some rights and even things to another. You are ready to tell your loved one something intimate and to make with him some special actions. Usually, trust depends on compliance with internal rules and the unspoken agreements that exist between partners. And they each can have their own. Without confidence in the decency and friendliness of another person, it simply can not exist. Trust allows you to relax in a relationship and open up to your partner. Without him, it is simply impossible to survive that true love, which is described in many outstanding books. And now imagine a relationship without trust. They are associated with a constant sense of anxiety and fear, arising from the expectation of danger and betrayal. You need to be very attentive to your man, in order to see in time insincerity in his behavior. You can not get support from him, because there are always doubts about the objectives of its delivery. In short, some solid minuses. But why then do we need such a relationship if there is no unity with a close person? As a rule, a woman in this case has a pronounced fear of being alone. If you add to it the lack of positive experience of sincerity and intimacy in the relationship, it turns out that she prefers to be satisfied with small things rather than trying to change anything. However, since you are reading this article, it is important for you to learn how to learn to trust your husband and break the vicious circle.
Causes of suspicion
Trust never leaves the relationship simplyso, although, unfortunately, in some cases it does not even appear. It is always connected with any internal causes. And they can be on both the male and female side, and sometimes on the border between them. Women's suspicion
- Lack of basic trust in the worldpsychologists such characteristic of the person - it designates how we see the surrounding reality. It may appear to us hostile, full of dangers, threats and alarm. People in this case seem insidious and cynical deceivers who do everything only for themselves. The opposite pole is such that the world seems fair and honest, and people are good and positive subjects. Naturally, there are intermediate states, which all the same to a greater or lesser degree are closer to a certain pole. According to psychoanalysts, the origins of such hostility and suspicion lie in the infancy of man. During the first year of life, the child meets all his needs through the mother, and if she responds to his signals in a timely manner, he begins to perceive the world with benevolence. But if it is cold and inattentive, then this is the basis for future problems.
- "Stigma in the gun" Another mechanism, because ofwhich we do not trust people - when we ourselves can not boast of honesty in relations. So human nature is arranged, that we understand others only through the prism of our own personality. For example, you get angry when they shout at you, and you naturally think that the other will experience the same thing. In the case of deception, it works in much the same way: you see in another signal about the same experiences that you are experiencing at the moment, and it seems to you that the partner is doing the same. The mechanism "works if I deceive, then everyone, including my husband, is engaged in it."
- Feeling of own inferiority Agree,It is very easy to suspect others in terms of negative actions towards you, if you yourself think that nothing is worth. Then it begins to seem that anyone wants to hurt you, because you are nothing. You still do not protect yourself, and in general are not worthy of a good attitude and right actions. And with every new "kick" you are more and more convinced of this. In addition, it is possible that due to this quality you surround yourself with people who are capable of confirming the correctness of your picture of the world by their negative actions. So this vicious circle works.
- Disrespect for her husband For this reason,a lot of marriages, especially in Russia. Have you seen how a typical Russian aunt behaves? She always "saws" her husband in a nasty voice, constantly telling him what he is doing wrong and how to do it in reality. Behind all this there is a subconscious desire to humiliate a man, proving to him that he is a zero without a wand. A direct consequence of this desire is the belief that the husband still does everything through one place and is able to "screw up" in any case. Although sometimes there is a paradoxical opposite situation, when a woman considers her man as such a nonentity, which still will not go anywhere. And completely in vain. Such energy is contrary to nature and sooner or later kills all the good in the relationship.
- Traumatic experience It is very difficult to trust people,if you have ever been deceived. Our psyche is so arranged that it transfers experience from the past to the future in order to be able to bring at least some clarity and something to forecast. Another thing is that because of this basic feature, you risk remaining without a positive outlook on relationships, if men have already behaved badly with you. It is worthwhile to understand that not all people are the same, especially if you married a completely different person, unlike someone who once deceived you. And sometimes you create your own paranoia with the prerequisites of behaving the way you expect of it.
So, very often a woman by herself can notunderstand how to learn to trust her husband. In it, personality traits and other problems on her part interfere with her. However, you can not completely "fall" on one of the partners. It often happens that a man provokes suspicion from his girlfriend. How and why does he do this? Male behavior
- Closedness Some people are secretive fromnature. They do not need much communication, they do not like noisy companies and do not seek to share the hidden fragments of the inner world, even with the closest people. Sometimes it may seem that they do not need anyone at all - they are already having a great time alone. However, this impression is deceptive. Any person needs another to be together, sharing important experiences of life. Closed people, moreover, are much more difficult to find such a partner. Their character does not come from a desire to hide anything from you. They distance themselves because of the characteristics of the nervous system, "thanks" to which they very quickly embrace fatigue from contact with others. But being with such a "mysterious" person is certainly not easy.
- Personality In some menThe sense of one's own borders is sharpened, and any invasion in them is perceived by them with aggression. Of course, because someone encroaches on their territory, and it must be urgently protected! You probably will not be easy, because such features need to adapt. Most likely, your spouse has his place in the apartment, and, maybe, not one, in which it is better to leave him alone. He painfully perceives both your attempts to get into his phone or profile on social networks, and simply distract him from the things he does. Perhaps he fences his space even in bed and is wary of touch. If all this is so, then we advise you to accept your husband as he is. All these boundaries are not due to what he has, what to hide, but from sharpened attention to his territory, and this is just such a feature of personality.
- Provocative behavior Your husband at times leadshe is very cruel: he does not pick up the phone, does not say where he went, cute "chirps" with some young person, etc. ... At the same time, when you talk to him about it normally, he admits that he was wrong. Especially often this happens when you are trying to find out better than what he is doing, or complain to him. This all sounds like a strange provocation towards you. He seems to be a nervous teenager, who is forbidden to something, and he begins to behave even more aggressively. Of course, this is very unpleasant, but it is necessary to understand what is behind this line of conduct. Perhaps he wants to teach you a lesson or take revenge for something. But trusting him after that is quite difficult.
- Strange values There is a whole categorymen with very vague ideas about what is good and what is bad. They may well explain to you why in some cases treason, murder or theft are fully justified. All the blame for the strange values that lie at the heart of the worldview of such subjects. They have wide boundaries, and in the list of permissible actions they can include a much larger number than a person with a traditional morality. For example, it can be considered that sex without feelings is not treason. Agree, it is not easy to live with such a person. Another thing is that the blurring of values is difficult to conceal, and if a woman marries such a man, then she accepts his views.
- Stupidity in the manifestation of feelings Emotions are a markerall that happens to a person. If you feel something, it means that you are alive, and the other also feels in contact with you. But when there is little or little emotion, then there is a feeling that he is insincere or something is hiding. This is due to the fact that you do not understand what is happening, it remains a mystery to you. And where there is uncertainty, there is always anxiety and suspicion. Our brain is so arranged that it prefers to fill the void with its fantasies. The same thing happens in a relationship with her husband. If he shows you his feelings a little, then you begin to worry that he does not love you. And when there is some controversial situation (for example, he does not pick up the phone), your most unpleasant fantasies come out.
Of course, we are not talking about situations wherethe partner shows to you outright disrespect. It is only natural that you do not trust a person who constantly walks somewhere, abuses alcohol and has already come across many lies. Only here to ask yourself in this case how to restore trust is absolutely pointless. You should think about how to interrupt the painful relationship, but this is a completely different story.
In order to understand how to trust a man, youit is necessary to understand how and why people lie. Of course, someone might think this question is stupid, because it's clear to the hedgehog where the lies come from. But in fact, everything is not so simple, and we will try to figure it out before deciding what to do about it. Naturally, people deceive each other to satisfy their own desires. It is very common for a person to lie in order to appear better than he really is. The desire is strange, but not for someone who is familiar with psychology. One of the basic human needs is the need for status and respect from the community. It must be met along with thirst, hunger and the desire to be safe. But if a person does not feel himself sufficiently held, if he does not feel respect from others, then he can start grafting. This is especially true of men who have more self-love than women. For example, the story of a self-contracted profitable contract for a firm can in reality turn into a simple deal in which your man took part. And how can they then believe? Well, a classic example of how people lie, wanting to achieve their - it's a man who cares for a woman just to sleep with her. He is ready to do everything, crumble in unimaginable compliments and perform incredible beauty deeds, but his goal is very mundane. Naturally, the girl will not be told a direct text: "I just want to sleep with you." After this, the annoying subject is likely to be sent far away. But if it is beautiful to deceive, then the probability of success becomes much higher. But this is not the worst. It is much worse if the husband deceives you, because it is so easy for him. A classic example is the treacherous betrayer. He lies to his wife, telling fables about superficial and platonic communication with other girls. Naturally, it is convenient for him when he has a house - a full cup, and all the surrounding people consider him a good family man. But he also deceives his mistress, exaggerating the stories about his wife-mage. He comes up with all sorts of reasons why he can not divorce, although his heart aches from "doomed" love. Thus, based solely on reasons of personal convenience, such a man is able to do everything just to "fool" the two women. This is partly in keeping with the moment when a man lies to you to avoid responsibility. It sounds paradoxical, but until you have learned about everything, deception does not seem to exist. And to be precise, he simply does not face responsibility for him. And he continues to lie further in order to hide all this pile of lies, which has a lot of internal interrelations. So, there are a lot of reasons for lying. But how to understand that your husband is deceiving you? In general, of course, this is, in principle, hard to believe: how can a loved one and a close person speak untruth and do unpleasant things? But, unfortunately, it happens. And you need to know the signs of lies in order to learn to separate reality from fiction. There are a number of purely technical points that can be relied upon in analyzing what is happening:
- A person talks a lot Or uses a lotmore words than it is necessary in a specific situation. All this looks like a kind of wall, the main purpose of which is the cover of lies. Subconsciously in my head the idea is spinning: "The more I tell, the more truthful the story will look like." And if you add details, then everything will be fine. Only this is not so and, as a rule, is a sign of a lie.
- Careful selection of words When you are lying, youit is necessary to keep several conversation threads in mind immediately in order not to get confused and not to "reveal maps": the past - everything to correspond, the present - to continue to "create" a story, and the future - on the basis of all this, to assume that you will say after. In short, huge brain resources are required, because of which the liar becomes very tired. This is also indicated by pauses in the conversation.
- The pace of conversation Except in rare casesskillful lies, a deceiving person noticeably changes the speed of the conversation. The speech may become slower because of the reasons described above - a person thinks for a long time about what to say. Either it can get pretty fast when the subject, first, worries and can not hide it, and secondly, pouring out large amounts of information on you at an accelerated pace, he subconsciously hopes to confuse you and reduce the concentration of attention. Then the probability of being caught is getting lower. By the way, the intonations of the liar also change - usually the voice becomes higher. This is a psychophysiological reaction.
- It is often justified whena person is lying, he initially has a subconscious sense of guilt in front of you. And telling his stories, he seems to be trying to justify himself. There are a lot of constructions and words in the speech that put the speaker in a positive light.
For sure, wondering how to learntrust the partner, you are particularly interested in the aspect of his relationship with the opposite sex. How does a cheating man behave? He becomes very picky towards his wife, because he believes that it is she who is to blame for everything, because it provokes him to such deeds. Accordingly, scandals and quarrels become more frequent, after which he throws him into a reverse hypostasis - he somehow eagerly tries to compensate his guilt. In general, intermittence and sudden changes in mood and behavior are a warning signal. As a rule, all sorts of spree, booze and other actions connected with self-destruction are added to it. And finally, the surest sign is the voice of your intuition. A woman almost always feels when a man has another, even if the whole world tries to dissuade her. So first of all you should believe yourself.
What to do?
So, you analyzed your relationship andrealized that there are no objective reasons for distrust. Accordingly, in order to establish communication, it is necessary to return to it openness and sincerity. What do you need to do for this?
If you are deceived ...
"And what if I do not trust my husband because of the fact,that he once already betrayed me? "- you ask. Yes, this is a very complex and slippery topic. To believe a man in this case is very, very difficult. But probably. First, you need to go through all the pain and suffering associated with his betrayal - they will burn out extra jealousy and anxiety. They begin to attack you after reconciliation and force you to take revenge. It is necessary to understand firmly why you decided to forgive him. If this decision is based on love, then you can start trusting it again. The main thing is to really want this and realize that relationships without trust are doomed. And you do not want to lose your beloved man? And spit on what others say - the couple's relationship should not be based on other people's advice. Remember that if a man comes back to you after betraying, he really appreciates you and wants to be with you. Even despite the burden of guilt and responsibility associated with this. Men oh do not like it, therefore, after returning from treason, they become completely different. Therefore, you should start to believe him, because the probability of repetition of betrayal in a good person is close to zero. Take care of each other!