Divorce is the second most severe loss after death, withwhich many people face in their lives. This is also a kind of death - love dies, marriage is destroyed, we lose a loved one, who often does not cease to love after the divorce. And, like after the death of a person, after separation from memory, only the best moments of a joint life come up most often. These memories further wound us, burning regret for lost happiness and the impossibility of its return. Of course, there are situations where divorce can be the only way to return to normal life, and in this case, leaving a husband from the family can be even a welcome event. But we're not talking about that now. The hardest thing to survive is a divorce, which is caused by the departure of the husband to another woman whom he fell in love with. Psychologists Holmes and Rahim in the sixties of the last century made a scale of assessing the impact on human stressful events. This scale is relevant for any modern psychologist. So, after the death of a life partner whose impact on the scale of Holmes and Rahim is estimated at a hundred points, the second place is exactly the divorce. A divorce with its seventy-three points is ahead of the deprivation of liberty, the death of a family member or a serious illness. How to survive a divorce if the stress from it is so great? How to find the strength to return to normal life, which continues after the divorce? Each of us has ever experienced a break with a partner, because similar emotions are experienced not only with divorce, but with any parting of the former lovers. Someone experiences separation without any special emotions, and someone (as a rule, someone who continues to love) experiences the greatest stress, plunging into despair and a sensation of the meaninglessness of later life. Of course, in many ways the power of emotions depends on how long and strong the relationship between partners was.
Divorce is not unreasonable
Divorce can be not only clear to everyonereaction to treason. The fact is that even the most prosperous partnership is undergoing changes. Most of us, after the first euphoria and enthusiasm for each other in the development of partnerships, reach the stage of the plateau, when emotions become dull, relations stabilize, and we no longer try to develop our relations. The onset of such a stage in the relationship indicates the strength of the connection, but this does not mean that you can relax and do nothing that could prevent a possible break. It is necessary to work on your happiness in marriage constantly, otherwise there will be a thunder - and after the divorce you will have to think about what happened and when it went wrong. Perhaps you were initially incompatible with your partner - by nature, temperament, education, but little, what else could prevent you from achieving complete harmony. Or maybe you neglected something, did not make efforts to ensure that each of you was comfortable with each other, and divorce simply became a natural consequence of your inaction.
How to survive the period after the divorce?
Because of what would be a divorce, the mainthe task becomes to recover after the incident and return to everyday life. Especially hard is the first month after the divorce, when the emotions are particularly strong. In the head constantly there are the same thoughts - why did this happen? What could be changed? Which of us is more wrong? Was it possible to somehow preserve relations and avoid divorce? You probably do not even know how to survive the divorce with your husband, how to survive the next minute, the next hour ... A feeling familiar to many who went through a divorce; and yet they all survived. Therefore, let us take ourselves in hand, calm down and make a plan for a new life. The best help in this period will be the advice of a psychologist. The healers of human souls recommend that they plan their actions for the entire first month of life after the divorce. First week The first days after the divorce, you need to give yourself a cry, throw out the raging emotions. Best of all, if someone close to us is at this moment who can complain, complain, complain ... You can not strive for solitude, otherwise the sense of loneliness may seem simply unbearable! So, we call someone who is especially close to us, we ask to come. And then, hiding in a friendly waistcoat, open the sluices of his grief and begin to cry! We need to cry as much as possible, it really helps! Scream, swear, feel sorry for yourself - throw out all the emotions that burn within you. When paid, start talking. Discuss, analyze your relationship with her husband, try to understand what prompted him to change. Talk about how you will live on. If you and your girlfriend have the strength, it would be good to talk all night. Of course, you need to sleep, but today you better not go to bed at all. Because the most difficult moment is the awakening on the first morning after the divorce. Therefore, it is better to speak with a reliable friend until the morning, it will save you from a terrible feeling of loneliness. It would be very good right after the divorce to spend a few days with a friend. If this does not work out (not always the friends have the opportunity for a long time to leave the family unattended), try to always be close to those who love you and understand. It can be your children, parents, a dog ... Even a wise elderly neighbor who will try to support you with a kind word can become a drop of balm for a wound in your soul. Why not be alone with yourself during the first week after the divorce? Because, if you are left alone, you will constantly be tempted to write sms to your ex, or even call. And this should not be done. Everything has already been clarified, everything has been decided, nothing will be changed, only you will exhaust your soul. The second week If within a week, on working days, somehow you can get distracted from bitter thoughts, then on weekends, resentment and loneliness pile up with renewed vigor. Exit one - pick up the phone and call friends. Explain to them that you need to change the situation and leave the house, preferably for the whole weekend, and give them a chance to help you. Together we draw up a plan for how to spend the weekend benefiting everyone. It can be a sortie on nature with spending the night in tents, and maybe shock work at someone in the country. The main thing is that our thoughts are occupied with something far from the experience of divorce. During the second week, you must take a very important step that will help you to quickly part with the invisible presence of the ex-husband in your home - you need to get rid of all the items that are associated with him. Musical disks and disks with his favorite films, old letters of times of your love, a toothbrush he forgot, his photographs are absolutely everything that reminds him. Fold all this in a bag and take it out to the trash. Delete the address of his email, erase all his SMS from the phone. Remove his contacts so that he can not see when you're online. Do not go where you can meet your ex-husband. In short, all contacts with the former are prohibited! Why? Because - reading his old love letters or listening to his favorite songs, you can not return love. And when confronted with him inadvertently, start again to find out the relationship and listen to unpleasant things for yourself. All this will only increase your pain; but in fact you have another goal - to calm down and start a new life. The earlier you start to think that it's even good that he left (even if it is not so!), So it's better for you. If you let him know that you want him not to be in your life - you will be the winner. If you suffer and seek meetings with him, you will become a defeated party. Third week. Make a general cleaning (even in winter, in autumn or in summer, it does not matter). And cleaning is done not only at home, but also in your head! If opportunities allow, make any significant changes at home - replace the carpet, buy a new bed, change the curtains. Any visual change will only benefit you. In the same way, shake and "clean" the thoughts in your head. Find yourself a thousand arguments that in the care of her husband for you a lot of good. After all, it was the divorce that triggered the positive changes in your new life! That's what the advice of a psychologist is in this case. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two parts. In the left side, write all the bad things that happened in your life together. On the right, write what has happened and what will happen to you after the divorce. When you write everything that comes to your mind - hang this sheet on the mirror in the bathroom. Let each day be written before your eyes. Both the right and left half of the sheet can be replenished with new records. Reading every day written on this paper, you can clearly realize that love has passed, the husband will not return, and you, in the end, have so many wonderful prospects that you should not look back and be sad about the past! Fourth week There comes a time when you need to tear the last invisible threads that connect you with the past. Here again you will need the help of your faithful (and patient!) Friends. You have to understand yourself, and without a glance from the outside you just can not do. It's time to face the truth! Especially if it so happened that this is not the first parting in your life. Ask your friends to tell them what they think about your relationship with your ex-husband. Maybe you are guilty of divorce? What is your error? What was wrong? Are you inclined to find partners incorrectly? Maybe you take the first one, because you are afraid to be alone? Or maybe you do not understand the man's psychology or make high demands on a man? Let your friends be frank, and you do not take offense at them for the truth. This view of oneself from outside will help to comprehend the divorce and help to avoid mistakes in the future. If at this time you still need to somehow contact the ex-husband, then it is better to write him a letter. But do not post it immediately after writing - leave a letter for yourself for a while. Maybe you want to fix something in the letter, write it differently. Or maybe you will change your mind at all. It's already easier to live without the beloved! A month later, now you need to understand - there is no turning back. And even if the ex-husband returns, you can not be sure that this was his sincere desire, and not because of remorse. And there is no guarantee that one day he will not want to leave again. As they say, once lied ... It is better to leave everything as is. You begin to live a normal life, and no longer need constant support and care from friends and close relatives. Even the nights alone are now completely calm. It can not be said that you have finally calmed down, but you feel much better already. Although, to be honest, it's still sad, and often you catch yourself thinking: "I wonder what he is doing there now?" And yet - this is not so important to you as you did a month ago! Do not hold resentment in your heart You can understand the grief and despair that you experienced when you learned about the betrayal of a loved one. After all, he should always be just next to you! This is your beloved husband, your close and dear person, without whom you did not represent your life! But, unfortunately, this is not entirely true. Nobody can belong to anyone. You can not expect from someone who is near you that he will never leave you. Life is unpredictable, and this can happen to each of us. Your ex-husband did as he was right for him: he broke up with you, because he wanted to go his own way. If he no longer loves you, he even did the right thing, giving you the chance to find a partner with whom you can live in perfect harmony. He himself did not manage to create such harmony for you, so he left you.
Life goes on!
What is the most important for you now? First of all, do not rush to build new relationships just because you want to prove something to your ex-wife. Or from being too uncomfortable alone in a cold bed. Believe me - casual partners will not warm the bed or the soul. But this does not mean that you have to put an end to your personal life. Be prepared for the fact that a new relationship and a new love will enter your life. And even if you really loved your spouse and at first you can not even imagine how to survive a divorce from your husband, you should not think that with his departure life stopped. Many people after the divorce often think that they will never love anyone else. And even the advice of the best psychologist can not help. They are afraid to get into a similar situation again and do not want to experience this pain again. Such a position could be compared with the position of an athlete who would easily refuse to take part in the Olympics just because he could not become a champion in previous games. But it is not worth it because of one failure to lose all your life, closing yourself to the path to possible joy and happiness. Fear of new love will not bring you anything but harm. And then - why should your new partner, the feelings of which you are afraid to trust, suffer because of the mistakes of his predecessor? This is unfair, and you must give a chance to him and yourself. Of course, each person is unique, and such as your ex-husband, you will not find anymore. But is it worth it to suffer because of this? After all, your new chosen one will be unique in its own way, and it may happen that it will be even better than your once loved, but already ex-husband! And, quite probably, you can love him even more than you once loved. Especially now, some time after the divorce, in your memories you tend to slightly idealize your ex-spouse. Now I remember everything only good. This property of human memory - the bad is forgotten, even if it was, and only the good is recalled, causing regret that it is now unavailable. Here comes the feeling that no one can compare with a departed person. This is a big mistake, and if you can understand this, you will understand how to survive the divorce with your loved one without pain, and again feel the taste for life and the joy of meeting new people. One wise Eastern proverb says: when one gate closes to happiness, life opens another gate; but we so often long look into the closed gates, that we do not notice that for us other ways to happiness are open. Even if it seems to you that after the husband left the whole world collapsed, that you can not survive betrayal, that you no longer have a place among the happy people, if you feel only emptiness and despair - it is very important to understand that such a state immediately after the divorce is perfectly normal . This is not the end of life, but only the end of one chapter, followed by the beginning of the next. You can both cry and scream, but it's important after this to think about how to survive the divorce with less soul loss, and start moving forward. Somewhere you will find a new love. True love. Only you must understand that the way to it is not always strewn with aromatic rose petals, and that not every person meets real love from the first time. And what happened to you was just a lesson. The main thing that you must learn from this lesson is that life goes on, and love is beautiful! We advise you to read: