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Golden mean

One of the poles of the relationship with a child isstrict, authoritarian upbringing, the essence of which is vividly reflected in the hackneyed phrase "you're still wet behind the ears." In the modern world, this approach is gradually losing its relevance; more and more parents are concerned about how their children can express themselves to the fullest without succumbing to imposed stereotypes. Our fear of suppressing individuality is not in vain: pressure and arguments like "because I said so" only work in the short term and are not proof of genuine care. The younger generation is feeling the new trends of "free" upbringing: familiar firsthand with the side effects of strictness, we choose the other extreme, falling into the trap of permissiveness and indulgence of our child. It is not for nothing that "in Japan, children under 7 are not prohibited from doing anything"! But the results make parents question the correctness of their choice, which is dictated by the desire to raise an independent, self-sufficient and strong personality. To be a parent-friend in the best sense, more wisdom and courage are required than to use the usual methods of the carrot and stick.Photo: Thinkstock/Gettyimages.ru

Pitfalls of Equality

Perhaps the image of a carefree liberal mother, withwhich you can behave like with a girlfriend, is very attractive. Who among us in childhood did not dream of modern active parents who do not lecture and allow you more than their peers? Freedom of morals conceals a hidden threat: a friend cannot take responsibility for the life and actions of a child - this is the task of adults! Allowing children to communicate with us as equals, we inevitably lose their respect. The child does not need this equality as much as we think: feigned invulnerability is nothing more than a defensive reaction, an unconscious request for help. Desperate attempts to demonstrate their independence signal to parents that they need to be even more sensitive and tactful. When your preschooler or teenager is confident that you are on their side, when their basic need – to be safe – is satisfied, they lose the motivation to once again appeal to your attention with antisocial behavior. And when refusing to impose your will on your child, the main thing is not to overdo it, because the truth is always in the middle.Photo: Thinkstock/Gettyimages.ru

Compliance with family hierarchies is not a relic of the past.

The elder must take care of the younger,support and guide him: experience and wisdom cannot compete with the appearance of equality! A higher position of parents in no way humiliates a child, but gives him confidence that everything is in its place. And the place of a caring, attentive loving adult is irreplaceable. It is sad that sometimes a deep sacred connection is reduced to only the level of friendly relations. By violating the natural hierarchy, we voluntarily relieve ourselves of obligations and knock the ground out from under the child's feet. Freedom from our opinions and rules primarily harms him himself, because neither a very small child, nor even a primary school student or teenager can independently choose the right guidelines. Friendship in the most positive sense is to build a respectful relationship with a child, where the rights of the younger are taken into account, but the final decision is always made by an adult. It is important to explain the reasons for your actions when possible, to be able to ask for forgiveness (we are so often wrong), to use the rights of an elder, but not to look down on him. Then peace in the family will no longer seem fragile and unstable.Photo: Thinkstock/Gettyimages.ru

The fine line between trust and frankness

To think that we can dedicate ourselves without concealmentchildren into our affairs and expect understanding is a serious mistake. An immature psyche will not cope with this heavy burden: being a child is not so easy as it is, and knowledge about adult problems will in no way prepare our children for the harsh reality. By revealing our confusion and helplessness to our children, we do not become closer to them, it will rather frighten them and make them feel helpless. The foundation of foundations - the belief that parents can do everything - will be shaken. Children instinctively avoid overly frank conversations, fearing that they will be expected to be equally sincere in return. And demanding that they share what is on their minds is real violence against the individual, because even between close friends there are sometimes secrets. The silent recognition that each family member has their own personal space helps to form strong, healthy relationships. The role of parents is much more important - to become for their child that person who will be listened to, who will accept him as he is. We will not be able to replace peers for children, so it is worth leaving them the right to friendship. It is reasonable patronage on our part that will allow our children to always feel under reliable rear.

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