Sometimes parents do everything to make the childfuture successful: they give to an elite school, they pay education in a prestigious university. And their child grows helpless and lack of initiative. A sort of Oblomov, living his life by inertia. We parents are accustomed to blaming anyone in such cases, but not ourselves. And in vain! After all, what we say to our children has a very strong effect on their future. Our expert has compiled a list of phrases that your child should never hear!
Photo: Getty Images
"Don't do this"
And also "don't touch this", "don't go there".Our children hear these phrases all the time. Of course, we often think that they are dictated solely by safety considerations. Although sometimes it is easier to hide dangerous objects away, put protection on sockets, than to constantly give instructions. Galina Okhotnikova, psychologist:
- If we forbid something to do, we deprivechild initiative. In this case, the child does not perceive the particle "not". You say, "Do not do it," but he does and receives punishment. But the child does not understand why. And when you arrange a third time for scolding, it serves him as a signal: "If I do something again, I will be punished." So you generate in the child lack of initiative.
"Not like you"
"Look how well that boy behaves, unlike you." "All your friends got A's, and what about you?!"- You can not compare a child with another person. This causes envy, which is unlikely to be an incentive for learning. In general, there is no envy of white or black, any envy destroys, reduces self-esteem. The child grows insecure, constantly looking back at the lives of others. Envious people are doomed to failure. They reason thus: "Why should I try to achieve anything if everything is bought everywhere, if everything goes to the children of wealthy parents, if only those who have connections win." Compare the child only with himself: "Look how quickly you decided task, and yesterday I thought about it so long! ".
"You're older."
"Give this toy to your brother, you're older." "Why did you hit him back, he's younger." Phrases like these are the lot of many firstborns, but that clearly doesn't make it any easier for them.
Photo: Getty Images- The child is not to blame that he was born before. Therefore, do not say such words, if you do not want your children to grow up as strangers to one another by people. The older child will begin to perceive himself as a nanny, but he will not have a special love for his brother or sister. Moreover, he will prove all his life that he is worthy of your love, instead of building your destiny.
"You are bad"
And then: “you’re stupid/lazy/irresponsible.”- With such phrases you grow a deceiver. It will be easier for a child to lie about her assessments than to listen to another tirade about how bad he is. The person becomes two-faced, tries to please everyone, suffering thus underestimated by a self-estimation. There are two simple rules: "scold once, praise seven", "scold alone, praise for all". Follow them, and the child will have a desire to do something.
"Don't cry"
Parents say this phrase quite often, without even noticing it. After all, we want to raise a strong-willed person, not a wimp. That's why we usually add after: "You're an adult," "You're a man."- The ban on emotions will lead to nothing good. In the future, the child will not be able to show his feelings, he stiffens. In addition, suppression of emotions can cause somatic diseases: heart disease, stomach, asthma, psoriasis, diabetes and even cancer.
"You're still small. I myself "
Of course, it is much easier for us to wash the dishes ourselves than to trust this task to a child, and then pick up broken plates from the floor. And it is better to carry the purchases from the store yourself - suddenly the child will overexert himself.- What do we have as a result? Children grow up and now they themselves refuse to help their parents. Here such hello from the past. The phrases "give, I myself," "you are still small," we deprive children of independence. The child has no desire to do anything himself, only by order. Such children in the future will not build a successful career, they will not become big bosses, because they are used to doing only the work that they were told.
"Don't be smart. I know better."
Or, alternatively: “Be quiet when adults talk”, “You never know what you think”, “You weren’t asked”.- Parents who say this, should haveto communicate with a psychologist. After all, they, apparently, do not want their baby to be smart. Perhaps these parents initially did not really want a child. Just matched the timing, but there are few reasons. And when a child grows up, parents begin to envy his abilities and at any convenient opportunity try to "put him in place." It grows bezynitsiativnym, with low self-esteem.
"If it weren't for you..."
“…I would have built a career”, “…got married”, “…left for another country” and other reproaches from mothers.- After such terrible phrases the child simply does notexist. He is like an empty place, whose life is not appreciated by his own mother. Such children often get sick, even capable of suicide. Such words can only be spoken by mothers who did not give birth to themselves, but, for example, to manipulate a man. They consider themselves to be victims and blame everyone for their failures.
"You are just like your father."
And judging by the intonation with which this phrase is usually said, the comparison with a father is clearly not a compliment.- Such words devalue the role of the father. Therefore, girls often have problems with men in the future. The boy, growing up, does not understand the role of the man in the family.
"Take off this jacket"
Or: “Change your clothes quickly!”, “Where are you going looking like that?!”- Phrases with which we try to subjugate the childourselves. By choosing our children's clothes for us, we kill their desire to dream, their ability to make decisions and listen to their desires. They get used to living the way others tell them to. And it is also very important not only what we say to our child, but also how we say it. Children very easily read our bad mood and take a lot of things personally.
