"Tell me why your new book is calledantifeministicheskoy, and I slept with Artemka today? "- asked me on Sunday morning, my husband, a bit like a zombie after a sleepless night with a 10-month-old baby. Good question! Indeed, I long ago overcame my desire to trumpet about equality or, God forbid, encroach on the main role in my relationship with my husband. Although in his youth it seemed very modern and fair: the eternal Nekrasov image of a Russian woman who would ride a horse on a race and into a hut burning, and bring her children to the kindergarten, and prepare a dinner of three dishes, and in passing a twenty- , that's why my husband helps me very well with children: he takes the elders (4.4 and 2.5 years) to the kindergarten, does homework with the elder, bathes them, periodically puts them to bed, and sleeps with our youngest couple of days a week, allowing me to gain strength before the new week. A hairdresser and some doctors are also usually his sphere of responsibility.A photo: personal archive Xenia Andreeva Without her husband's help to deal with all matters about the house and with children, and even something to do in my projects would be an order of magnitude more difficult. I know the difference - it becomes obvious when the husband leaves on a business trip - and therefore not only do not refuse help, but also agree in advance on it. Sometimes I ask myself: is it my merit that the husband took on several key tasks , or he himself "gotten" to me so good? So to speak, from the warm hands of dear mother-in-law. Probably, it is difficult to separate one from the other. But I can say that I am working hard to not only help, but also do it with pleasure and was ready to help me when some kind of force majeure is formed: for example, Friday's gatherings with friends or an after-hours outing for sports. So, in view of this, I share with you the basic principles that I discovered for myself in the process of "redivision" of family responsibilities.

"Should we help?"

It seems obvious to us that we get tired when we exerciseonly home and children, and we need to help. A man has a different picture in his head. He leaves for work: you stand with the children on the threshold and see him off. He comes home from work: you stand with the children on the threshold and meet him. What logical conclusion suggests itself? It is right that you stood like this all day. A man cannot even imagine all the huge whirlwind of events between these two moments. "Family opens a new world for a man" Therefore, the explanation must begin with the basics, patiently, calmly, solemnly, as if you were explaining the rules of the road to a child. We are simply opening a new world to a person. It is important not just to demand that you be helped, eloquently fainting from fatigue. But to explain from a logical position why you need help, and why a husband is the best candidate for it. After all, there are things that only a father can give a child. There are games, activities, certain approaches that they will never receive from a mother. And therefore, in order for the baby to develop this part of his outlook, it is vital that the father spends more time with the child. That is, helps the mother. In addition, a happy, and this means at least a rested (okay, at least just a good night's sleep) mother - these are almost always happy children. I am sure that your husband loves his children madly. Yes, of course, he loves you, but you understand that over time in life together, love-passion gives way to tolerance and the search for compromise. And therefore, a good argument would be not just that he helps for your sake, but also in order to give his children a happy childhood - that is, a happy mother.Photo: Ksenia Andreeva's personal archive

We agree on the "shore"

The wisest advice I was ever givenin life, was from my old friend. My then-future husband and I were just starting our life together. And my friend said: you need to sit down in advance and write a list of responsibilities that you share around the house. And during one of our first romantic dinners, when the candles had not yet burned out, I took a piece of paper and divided it into two parts. I suggested that my man agree on what chores he could take on. And it was brilliant. We saved a lot of nerves and energy. Each of us clearly understood what each other was doing and did not have inflated expectations for our partner. Of course, most of the chores were still mine, but my husband did some small chores himself without reminders from me. Therefore, the best thing to do while waiting for the birth of a baby is to agree in advance on what chores dad can take on. However, when it comes to the first child, we ourselves have a hard time understanding what chores our daily life will consist of. And the main thing is that these processes also change quickly with age. But there are also universal things. For example, our workflows for three children today consist of cooking, feeding, walking, putting to bed, educational games, homework, bathing, washing after changing diapers, reading books, getting ready and going to kindergarten and the way from there, going to the doctor, to the hairdresser, buying everything necessary for the children. And in all this, of course, dad's help will be very useful. Try to write an approximate list of tasks that need to be done every day, and discuss with your husband which of these tasks are convenient and preferable for him to take on. Even a few tasks that your husband can attribute to his area of ​​responsibility will greatly help you and relieve you in the future.Photo: Ksenia Andreeva's personal archive

We discuss what tasks a husband can take on REGULARLY

The most valuable things a husband can take onyourself, - those that he can do regularly, without your reminders or dividing up the responsibilities every night. Therefore, in a conversation with your husband, we need to not only agree that he will try to help more, but also discuss what exactly he can take on without separate negotiations or agreements. I emphasize the importance of this, since this is the only way we can understand how much time we ultimately have for rest or other things, and also save ourselves from unnecessary negotiations. If there is a failure in this system, it is not a big deal. After all, when some rule becomes a habit, it takes time: by common consent, at least 28 days. So even if our newly-minted assistant has forgotten that it is his responsibility to put the children to bed on even days, it is not a big deal: calmly remind him that this is the agreement, and if he is especially tired today, then we can switch, but then tomorrow is his turn.Photo: Ksenia Andreeva's personal archive

Working on the atmosphere

And this is where the magic begins.After all, it is important not only to formally agree on the list of male responsibilities, but also to create an environment at home that a man wants to return to after work and where he wants to spend more time - of course, participating in the life of the family. "Why always a woman?" you ask. - A man should also work on creating an atmosphere! I agree with you. This is a mutual matter. But I believe that only we can start the initial processes, since we have a stronger emotional beginning. Women are naturally closer to such matters as happiness, mood, feelings, she feels them more subtly and at least intuitively understands what to do with it. So it is in our hands to make sure that everyone, including children, is calm and happy at home. "I praise, praise, praise: my husband's successes at work, help with the children." How to do this? My "recipes" are as follows: I reduce all conflicts to calm negotiations. I do not allow shouting, I do not allow raising your voice at me, but at the same time I do not allow myself to use such a tone. I always try to share the positive impressions of the day. I thank my husband for all the help and for how he tries at work to provide for our family (although I also contribute to the family budget). I try to help as much as I can: for example, if my husband slept with the baby at night, I let him sleep for a few hours during the day. I set the table for him for dinner myself, even if it is ready on the stove, and I bring him tea. And also - I praise, praise, praise: his successes at work, help with the children, contribution to household chores. What's more, if he successfully chose a movie to watch in the evening, I also praise him - wow, what a great guy, how does he do it so well! How lucky I am to have him!Photo: Ksenia Andreeva's personal archive

Pope's Day

Many of my friends practice "daddy's day".Sometimes it is also called "Mom's Day", emphasizing its essence: on this day, dad stays with the kids and does all the housework, and mom... and mom has a day off! She goes to get a manicure, meets with friends, goes shopping and in every way enjoys this "non-childish" part of her life. A great ritual, in my opinion! However, for us it is no longer very relevant for various reasons. One of them is that it is quite difficult for one adult with three children our age: after all, a baby sometimes requires two full hands, and we have two others who are also almost babies. Therefore, for now, the only person who can stay with them for a long time is me. And of course, I can't say that it is easy for me on these days. When it happened that my husband was in another country, and I was completely without helpers and did not even have a normal kindergarten, then after a few days I became not the mother I dreamed of for my children: I do not have enough strength and patience. But if you can more easily cope with the number of children you have, I'm sure "daddy's day" is a great practice. For now, we're content with "family day" on Sundays, when we have some joint activities planned.Photo: Ksenia Andreeva's personal archive

Instead of an afterword

Now that I'm 33, I have threesmall children, and at the same time retaining the passion for work and creative enthusiasm, I look at things less radically than in my youth. I allow myself to be non-feminist. And I believe that only in a home where a man feels that he is the boss can you count on his help. But this must be agreed upon from the position of logic, common sense and understanding that family, children and home are a common cause, and the strength and time of each parent is now a single vessel that must be periodically replenished.

Comments

comments