Only Live: Do not Deceive
"Mom, you'll never, never give up on me?" - Timothy sticks to my neck and actually squeezes in the side. Hold a pause. To tell the truth - words can not be found. - Why suddenly such thoughts? - I ask a counter question .- I'm very scared that one day you will disappear. I say something like "I'll be with you while you need me". Although I understand that this is also a potential deception. Anything can happen. But I'm not ready to talk with the preschooler about death. Or is it time?
Photo: GettyImageOur expert, family psychologist, the founder of the project Familybuilding Daria Grosheva:
Interest in death in children appears with aboutfive or six years. They see a certain pattern in what is happening around and want to understand it. They ask parents uncomfortable questions: "Why do people die?", "Will I die?", "Will you die?". Of course, without special need to touch on this topic is not worth it. But you do not need to ignore it either. I am a supporter of honesty in talking with children. Yes, it happens. But very, very not very soon. You can say that there are diseases, there are accidents. At the same time, the child should be returned to reality after such a conversation. "Look, we're all well, I'm driving my car carefully, you have no reason to worry." The important phrase: I will love you always. If the child is not too emotional, he will accept such an explanation. But one thing is some kind of abstract death, the other is when it concerns you personally. "When my father died, my daughter could not understand for a long time where my beloved grandfather had gone," recalls the mother of the six-year-old Katya. - We were afraid to tell her the truth right away, we were told for a long time that he was sick. Then, after all, they confessed. Now the girl is very afraid to get sick herself and falls into hysterics when we catch cold with my husband. It seems to her that we will die.If this happened in the family, you need to immediatelyto explain what happened, to say why a person will not come. Otherwise, the child begins to fantasize, think out, and this can give rise to unnecessary fears. Do not identify death with any domestic situations. For example, you can not say that the deceased "fell asleep." Otherwise, the child may be afraid to go to bed. In this sense, believers, on the one hand, are a bit simpler, they have certain fencing legends. On the other hand, the child should not say that he will someday meet this person. Preschoolers do not have a sense of time. They will wait for this meeting in the near future, especially if a very loved loved one has left his life. 
A photo: GettyImageIf the child is still experiencing a difficult situation, you need to work through the situation through the "game". Carry out a symbolic ritual: for example, let the balloon go to the sky as a farewell. Ask to draw something that frightens. And, of course, talk. And as calm as possible. If the parent himself reacts painfully to such topics, then the baby will have the same emotions.
Family in half: the kid has the right to be angry
Death is not only real, but alsometaphorical. For example, the death of a family. Yes, we are about the most unpleasant thing - divorce. Alas, very often. Someone, clenching his teeth, tolerates, "until the children grow up," someone decides to immediately cut "live". How is it better? Unknown. One thing is clear: whenever adults decide to part, the most affected children will suffer from this. What are the rules that must be observed to protect the immature psyche?Talk about divorce with the child should bothparent together. And be ready to answer any children's questions, and correctly, without irritation. Do not leave the topic, do not keep silent about it, be ready and together, and individually discuss as much as you need. In conversations, the emphasis is on the fact that the cause of the discord - in no way is it. The correct phrase: "Yes, we are now hurt with each other, but you are not at fault, we both love you very much." 
A photo: GettyImageShoulder, we are talking about the so-called "healthy" divorce, when a couple leaves if not good friends, then at least not on knives. And both parents have the opportunity to devote sufficient time to the child. But often it happens that a man and a woman turn into the worst enemies. And the child is at the forefront of this emotional war, when each of the "opponents" is trying to pull him to his side. And here it is not possible to give universal advice. As well as explain to the child, why suddenly one of the parents decided to disappear from his life.- What exactly you can not do is showeach other "scoundrels." Your son or daughter is so bad. And if it's a teenager who is even more sensitive than a small child, it's even harder for him. For them, dad has always been good, and my mother says that he is bad. Or vice versa. He is literally torn between you. Do not make your child your confidant, your vest. This is your emotional war, do not drag it into it. Do not pour on him all their experiences and details of relationships. Do not deprive him of his childhood. Do not make him forget the past. For him it's scary: like this, I remember how I walked with my dad and played, and my mother says that we never spent time together. The expert explains: the most difficult is when, after divorce, the second parent basically disappears from the field of view of the former families. Ideally, this is a topic for a separate consultation with a psychologist who will help to work through the situation. But in any case, an adult left with a child (usually a mother) will not only have to cope with their emotions, but also take upon themselves the child's anger.At the child, especially if it is a teenager, the presentgrief. Divorce you, but the world is falling apart. And he has every right to blame you for this. Has the right to be angry. There can be different sharp statements in your address. Do not take offense at this. But you should not allow yourself to be insulted. If the conversation has reached a dead end, it is necessary to interrupt it. To say: "You are now upset, we will pause. But we'll talk about this a little later. " And really talk, until there is not left between you unsaid.
Military childhood: do not rush things
- My granddaughter in the kindergarten was told about the blockade,- says Anna Arkadevna. - And the teacher said this phrase: "Hundreds of children, like you, died of hunger, because they had nothing to eat." The child was crying at home, several nights dreaming. Of course, talking with the children about the war is necessary. To remember that it did not happen again. But still, probably, not in six years to bring to them such details ...As well as with death, the first to raise inconversation with the preschool girl, the topic of war is not worth it. If asked or there is some thematic occasion, like Victory Day, the Day of lifting the blockade, then, of course, explain. But I'm sure, at this age of details, kids do not need to know, just a general story. They are all this and so will tell in schools, in history lessons. Everything has its time.
A photo: GettyImageRemember, how once in childhood we played in the yard in voynushki and musketeers? The information space is different now. And the children's games are different .- Timothy, what are you playing at? - I watch him chasing after another and dropping him to the ground. - To terrorists! These are such bad guys that kill people all over the world. I now caught the terrorist.For them, terrorism does not make as much sense as forus. They play it, as we used to be soldiers. This overturns us, because we understand what we are talking about. But if just a game he does not show cruelty, aggression, then it's not scary. If you are unbearable to hear this, talk to him, ask him to change the game. Say: "I'm afraid when you say so." But do not forget that unreasonable prohibition gives rise to increased interest. Who is unlikely to play the war, so these are those who in this war really were. Or vice versa: only in it will it play, as in a single familiar reality. Children in the epicenter of battles are broken souls.As they do not save, it will be a trauma for a lifetime. It can not be cured. He no longer has a childhood. You can love him, support him. And only on this support depends on what will ultimately be in his soul: a deep wound or scar.
