Transitional Age: How to Avoid War with a Teenager

- How the relationship with the child will develop, independs on the prevailing style of upbringing in the family and the desire of moms and dads to become more flexible, "stresses the psychologist Elena Shamova. - As a rule, the "release" of a child from themselves is felt more acutely and harder in families where relations between partners have long existed only as relations between parents, rather than men and women. The child's growing and independence is perceived as a "deserted nest", as a crisis, and not as a natural process of personal development and transformation of family ties. Hence the feet of numerous fears.Photo: Getty Images

Fear 1: The teenager will start to be rude

As a rule, the main reasonconflicts - excessive control (for behavior, study, choice of friends). At the same time, the teenager demonstrates independence and the desire to separate from his parents. "Do not go into my room," "Do not listen to my conversations," "How much do I want, I'll come so many times?" - familiar phrases? So the maturing child realizes the right to independence, own opinion, choice. In fact, no teenager aspires to full, unconditional freedom. On the contrary, possession of it can be perceived by them as separation from the family, as their own uselessness. What should we do? If the child is rude, do not respond with aggression - this is the worst option. You can invite the child to talk. If there is no contact, give him 20-30 minutes to be alone with himself. At this age, children are quick-tempered, but quickly depart. The main thing is not to bring the situation to a scandal, not to quarrel. We must learn to negotiate. And to discuss the issues with the child on an equal footing, so that he understands: to you his opinion is really important. If the teenager violated the agreement, for example, did not do homework, although he promised, you have the right to "include" his responsibility. "Two whose? Yours. So, who is responsible for it? You". It is not necessary to ask in the dialogue with the son or daughter the question "why", since in this way any situation can be justified. "It does not matter why it happened. This is your personal responsibility. What will we do? "And, of course, under the prohibition of insults such as" stupid "," fool "," scoundrel ", etc. After a calm analysis of the situation, the child understands that mom is not a bad policeman, but a person who wants to help. And more: adults, learn, control yourself! If the child sees that mom and dad speak about each other impartially, scandal and slam the doors, he will copy this type of behavior. It happens that the father does not participate in the process of education, does not interfere in anything, is not interested in the child's life. In this case, all rudeness goes to my mother. With only one purpose - that she connected the father to the conflict: look, they say, that your son gets up. And so the daddy returns to the system of family coordinates. A teenager acts according to the principle: you will not pay attention to me in an amicable way, you will turn in a bad way. Well, of course, we clearly delineate the boundaries of what is permitted. And in this the parents should be together. Any coalition - the mother with the elder against the pope with the younger, for example - depreciates the authority of the parent.

Fear 2: Lose interest in learning

A common situation. The adolescent is changing landmarks - because of attempts to self-esteem, to realize new desires and goals, to understand who he is and what he wants. Plus hormonal changes. Here you have an unstable psycho-emotional state, attacks of aggression or apathy, alertness or irritability. All this affects the quality of knowledge. What to do? Parents should always be ready to help the child, but do not put pressure on him. Let's more independence: "Do not want to do your homework now, tell me when you want." And remember: the confrontation is several times less, if there is contact between children and parents. Conversations on souls, joint performance of affairs, and the boy communicates more often the daddy, and with the girl - mum. It is important during this period to help the child to self-determine. If he has an interest in an object, develop it: participate in olympiads, visit circles, load the rest to a minimum. The mass of knowledge, sometimes unnecessary, is a direct road to neurosis, and then psychosis. And do not worry about laziness. If there is real interest, there will be no laziness. And if there is laziness, it means that the child has not yet found an occupation to his liking.Photo: Getty Images

Fear 3: Will fall into a bad company

Indeed, probably one of the most terribleParents' fears during the period of growing up of a teenager are that he will get involved with a bad company or get an early negative experience. Fears are not unfounded, since it is during this period of life that peers and communication with them come to the fore. It is important for a teenager to be accepted as an equal, to have his opinion taken into account and to share his interests, so friends become truly authoritative. What to do? Build relationships so that the teenager shares problems and experiences with you, and not with friends. But this will not happen suddenly, out of the blue. The child begins to open up when the parent shows a constant sincere interest in him. And here it is important to emphasize gender identity with assignments, conversations, and activities. Dad must understand that he has a son who needs to be made into a man. And if he does not do this, the street will "work" for him. The best option is if you know the friends of your son or daughter, the guys often visit you. It is good when there is one best friend, then the observation process will be simplified. Again, do not confuse observation and interest with control and overprotection. If the teenager has older friends, try to get to know them better. And if this person does not cause negative emotions, maintain this friendship. If you do not like the new friend, try to switch the child's attention to another person or invite the dubious friend or girlfriend to visit, so that the children are in front of you. If you openly forbid the child to be friends with someone who is dear to him, this will cause a storm of emotions up to leaving home. So take it easy "tighten the screws"! By the way, leaving home, just like hooliganism or bad company, can also be an unconscious attempt by the teenager to "connect" the parents with each other, if the family is on the verge of divorce. Give the child more freedom, stop fighting with him for a place in the sun. Do not ask him every minute with a shout: "Have you forgotten who feeds you?" This will not add warmth to your relationship. And when you voice another prohibition, convey to the teenager that you are not driven by the desire to harm him, but by concern for his fate.