Transition in a teenager: advice to parents

So, you have been raising your baby for a long time. At first, this little ball clung to you every minute. At that time he needed it. Physically and energetically. Dad and mom are heroes, main advocates, entertainers, buyers, substitutes for everything. New characters began to appear in the older group of the kindergarten: Dad Miti - he is a motorcyclist, Spiderman - he is cool, Ivan Petrovich - he is my trainer. You have gradually become heroes one-tenth less. Did not notice? Okay. Let's go further - elementary school. Now the main ones are a teacher, a friend of Seryozhka, a friend of Masha! Mom and Dad do not know how to pass the level in Minecraft and how the kitten in the phone laughs. Mom and Dad want only good grades and strictly control it. But to laugh together was no longer so important. Not so tenderly hugging. And not so often it would be desirable, as in three years. You parents are only half heroes.Photo:GettyImagesAnd then comes 5th-6th grade, 10-11 years old. The child begins to understand that the world is huge and unknown. Here only one "half" hero appears: mom or dad. This is normal. The world is not enough for two. And the invisible umbilical cord connecting you and the child becomes longer and more transparent. There is a desire to show or hide your world: to shout about yourself or to withdraw. But you, dear parents, are not ready for this yet. They are slowly growing for you, but for themselves they grow up quickly. And then comes the nasty, disgusting and military puberty. - Nikita started snapping, I can't make him do anything. - Yesterday Sasha disrupted the lesson! - Sonechka was such a nice child, now she argues until she's hoarse. - I can't get him to bathe or brush his teeth, it's just a fight! - Danil told me that he hates me, it's a nightmare! And now let's figure out why this happens and why a teenager is a reflection of our actions. If the child did not have the so-called difficult, teenage period, then you have built the right relationship with him.

First: the child does not revolt, he asks you to waive sanctions

Imagine your Masha, Dasha, Arishka or Yegorka- this is a new huge republic. In the head - a government, young, inexperienced, but terribly smart. And this republic is part of your country. Yes, yes, you are a hypothetical PAPAMAMALANDIA. Everything that was before does not count. You raised the republic yourselves and gave it rights and laws. General laws. You still think that a child has no rights, only responsibilities. The child has already given himself rights. And nothing can be done. You defended him, you said out loud: "Yes, the teacher has no right to say this, who came up with the idea of tormenting children like this, a child is an individual!" We are not discussing now what is right and what is not. Rights have been obtained. Independently. Because this is important for a child of 12-15 years old. And what is happening in this new republic in a huge country? The republic is trying to live. As it can, as it was taught before, and does something contrary, differently, comes up with new laws and shouts about rights. What do the celestials (i.e. parents) do? They have lived their lives, they know a lot, they are always right.

In a big country, everything is built, and you still build.
In a big country there is a law, and you are breaking.
In a big country, everyone calmed down: you shouldn’t get enough sleep at night and take all your efforts to draw wall newspapers to school, you shouldn’t compete, as in primary school.

Photo: GettyImagesAnd then there's a riot!And the main ones are introducing tough sanctions: the republic is still small, and it has so much developing, it does not have time, it will not succeed, it is necessary to fence off, take away, prohibit. We have all studied history. What will happen next? Revolution. As it should be (should be): accept a new government with its enormous potential. I will tell you a secret: most adults are no wiser than teenagers, because the internal barriers they have developed often prevent them from living. And these gestalts automatically pass on to children. Yes, we are limited, accept it. Experience is not always a guarantee of wisdom. Your republic has daisy fields of opportunities! There is no “I know how this will end!” yet, there is “I wonder how this might end?”, and there are always millions of options. I want to clarify that we are not talking about potentially dangerous things in the life of a teenager (we strictly and immediately limit this). Let the realization come that the five-year plan kissing you every minute is no more. And if not, you need to change yourself, not the child! It is not us who have changed. It is he who has changed. It is difficult for him, he does not understand, he is sometimes in pain. And no matter how much he shouts and quarrels with you, do not impose sanctions, expand his republic within you.

Secondly, if a teenager is hysterical, in conflict with you ... it means that he is missing your love!

Most parents believe that for a childIt is important that he is understood. The teenager shouts: "You don't need to understand me, love me as I am, I don't even understand myself." The roles have already changed, and you haven't even noticed.

Now he communicates with you as an adult. And let the father scream in the hearts that something has grown, but there are no brains. Everything has grown. Little is left of the child.
Redefine your roles in the family. If something could be allowed with a ten, now it is impossible! Do you remember how you squatted about six years ago to talk to your daughter in tears? Now you have to do the same, only communicate in the role of “adult - adult”.
When a child becomes psychotic, he tries to shout: “I have changed, love me in a new way!” This means that a bedtime story or “chupa-chups” at the store’s ticket office He wants adult love: on equal terms. This does not mean that everything will be grown-up. Deceive him a little, let him wait. An unreasonable parent will say this: “You are swinging the rights, I feed you, sing, dress. There will be a family, right there and swing! ”A loving parent will do this:“ I am so glad that you matured. Now we will have common affairs with you. I earn, and you help me with the housework. Dad fixes a chair, and you sweep. Now we do everything together. ”
No matter how the child shouts at you or even expressesscary words like “i hate you are the worst mom” don't aggress Give him love: sharing classes, talking at night and ... hugs. He will push you away, but he really needs this, believe me.