When the author of the article, psychologist Alessia Santoro,she grew up, she witnessed several high-profile quarrels of her own - very stubborn - parents. These skirmishes were always only verbal, anger expressed in throwing objects on the table or slamming doors with a bang, but they still frightened her. Such scandals make many experts argue that parents can not quarrel in front of children. However, the author has learned a lot in such situations. For example, what is the difference between a serious quarrel and common disagreements. Now that she has her own family, healthy arguments take place at the table almost weekly, but full-scale clashes took place just a couple of times in two years. And this, according to Alessia, she is obliged to the manner of behavior of parents who did not hide their contradictions from her. Therefore the author decided to find out the relationship with her husband before the eyes of the children. But always remember the huge difference between a dispute and a violent quarrel, in which both sides seem to be wrong. In addition, daily disputes do not create the most healthy environment for children. Having discussed all this, Alessia formulated five pluses of quarrels in children.
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1. Children see that one can disagree with one another and have different opinions
If you never argue in front of your children, then theygrow up with a distorted sense of reality, where everything is always fine and people always agree with each other. Even when they see other people and children their age arguing, they will follow your example. And if they have conflicts with their partner in future relationships, they may simply not know what to do. After all, their parents never dealt with sorting things out. Maybe there is something wrong with them? Children need to know that it is perfectly okay to have different views and beliefs from others, which can lead to disagreements, which is also perfectly okay.
2. Children learn that disputes are a normal part of relationships and life in general
Although it is very important that the atmosphere surroundingchild, was positive and full of love, there is no need to protect them from the realization that even close people can quarrel. If you quarrel and then make up in front of them, you are thereby showing them that a happy couple is not necessarily perfect and that they do not have to agree with everything in the relationship. If your children are very young and you do not want to upset them with your quarrels, then here is a tip for this case too: “When our daughters went to kindergarten and were worried about our fights, I smiled and encouraged them with a special code - I spread my fingers an inch, demonstrating how small our differences were, and then spread my arms wide to show how great our love is.”
3. Children understand that the output of emotions is natural
The worst thing is to keep negative thoughts insideemotions, anger, frustration, until you explode, spilling all this wealth out. The author's parents' serious fights were the result of such bottled-up emotions, and innocent children suffered as a result. You need to let go of what's bothering you or troubling you in real time, even if your children are present. In doing so, you teach them to verbalize their anger rather than suppress it, Pop Sugar cites the study.
4. Children learn to resolve conflicts
Not every disagreement is easy to resolve, but whenIf you are arguing about something in front of your children, you try to find a way out faster and more effectively so as not to traumatize your forced spectators. Try to get them to adopt a relationship model from you, where any conflict with a partner, relative or friend ends positively. A study of children aged 5 to 7, recently conducted by scientists at the University of Rochester and Notre Dame, showed that those children whose parents "argued constructively" experienced greater emotional security and were friendlier and more caring towards other children over the next three years.
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5. Children absorb the model of behavior for the future
If you still can't come toagreement with your spouse, show them the ability to “agree to disagree,” and then put the argument aside—forever. This is much better than arguing until you’re hoarse over and over again, because you’ll never agree on a solution anyway. This will help your children build the right model of behavior in the future regarding seemingly unsolvable disputes. We are all imperfect. If you can’t avoid a really loud fight in front of your children, be sure to discuss it with them later. Explain that you held in your emotions for too long and lost your temper. Tell them what you plan to do or have already done to resolve the conflict, and what you would do differently if you could go back in time. Any child needs confidence that nothing will happen to their family, it is unbreakable. When they watch their parents quarrel and make up, it gives them confidence that any problem can be resolved.
