Children and parents are about love. It must be about love. But in these relations sometimes there is so much hatred that it becomes even scary. After all, this is your most dear person whom you love simply because he is. And he hits on the most painful. Here are two typical stories - different, but equally awful for moms. “In three years, she hated her father. Now she is five years old, she hates me, arguing that I scold her and beat her. Talking to me in an exceptionally capricious, aggressive tone. Calling bad words, which she learned in kindergarten. Trying to disaccustom her from a bad lexicon, I punish. For example, I say: I will hear this word again - you will go to another room. I tried to apologize for mistreatment if I offended her. She confessed her love. All to no avail: cries and says he will not forgive. He tries his best to stab me, to hurt me. What to do? Ignore? To be stricter? Spoil? Wait until it passes? "
A photo: GettyImages “At 17, I met my future husband, he was 10 years older than me. Turned out to be a drunken alcoholic. I tried to re-educate him, bore him a son. The husband ran away. In general, I am guilty myself, but this is why it is not easier. Help was neither moral nor financial from anyone. I went to work in another city. Mom could drink and forget about her grandson. As soon as this happened, I returned and did not let her go to her son anymore. She took the child with her. Lived in a removable room. He went to the garden. Even then, he became hysterical, if something did not work or went, not as he wanted. He was just a crumb, and instead of helping him, I was angry at him, scolded, he shouted and stamped his feet. I did not hold back and beat him. Then I found a good job, I was not from morning till late evening. He was with nannies and girlfriends. He became aggressive, at the age of four he learned to lie. I understand, he was looking for my attention, he is a very open boy, but his laughter was heard less and less. I love him very much, but scolded and forbade a lot. Again, she raised her hand, and even insulted. And then it dawned on me what I was doing with my son. He is in 4th grade, he is above average, he does not respect me. That's right, but for what? We swear every day. The son hates me now and says that I am to blame for everything, he is 10 years old, and we have not managed to cope with hysterics. At the word "no", he screams and stomps his feet. With an aunt and grandmother, he does not behave this way. I am very ashamed in front of him and wish that I cripple his life. ”“ I am a bad mother ”- both women set themselves this diagnosis. But maybe this is not quite so and something else can be fixed? To understand this, you need to first understand why we hear such words.
Reason 1
Most often, “I hate” is said in the heat of an argument.Often because we ourselves do not know how to talk to our own children. We are accustomed to being in a position of power: the parent is the king, he can punish and reward, order and demand. And we completely forget that the child must be treated as an equal – after all, he is a separate person with his own feelings and needs. Pavel Taruntayev, child psychologist:
A child often speaks of hatred becausedoes not know how else to express his feelings towards an adult and uses phrases that he has heard somewhere and are somewhat similar in meaning. “I hate you” can hide a variety of genuine feelings of the child: disappointment, anger, annoyance, resentment and even sadness. Therefore, do not close yourself off from him when you hear offensive words. Talk to the baby about his feelings, find out what he is really experiencing. “You are so angry. What made you angry? You wanted to play more and that is why you are angry with me that it is time to go home?” With such conversations, we help him not only to more accurately define his feelings, but also to express them specifically. As a rule, when a child says something like this, the reason is precisely this - in the wrong wording. In addition, until the age of 5-6 (or even older), children do not invest in such offensive phrases the same deep meaning and significance as we, adults, do.
Reason 2
Another child may behave in a similar waydue to excessive pressure, excessive demands on him. Resentment, anger and bitterness accumulate in him, from time to time expressing themselves in protest reactions, unpleasant words, open aggression, etc. In such a case, it is necessary to think about whether it is worth reviewing the system of upbringing in the family? Has upbringing turned into suppression?In my practice there was a case when a boy wasMom's ban on watching another cartoon said that he would jump out of the window in order to "make his mother as painful as she does to him." The offense has long been accumulated in it and resulted in a phrase (heard, by the way, from the grandmother) on a trifling, it would seem, occasion. And, naturally, a boy of six years didn’t have any real suicidal tendencies, but there was a strong desire to “revenge”. A child raised in a family where parents are not completely confident in themselves and their decisions can say “I hate you” There are no such concepts as acceptable behavior, respect, respect for others' boundaries, parental authority. The child feels that he can behave this way, he is allowed. By the way, with the help of such tricks a child may try (often quite successfully) to manipulate parents, forcing them to somehow prove their love.
Photo: GettyImages
Reason 3
The reason could also be weak emotionalconnection with the child - then he tries to attract the attention of his parents with "bad", "evil" phrases and negative behavior in general. He may really lack parental warmth and care. If you heard such a phrase from your child, do not respond rudely or aggressively under any circumstances: "I'll tell you to talk to your mother like that now!", "Oh, you hate me, well then I'll leave now." Such behavior will not help either you or the child, and it can easily spoil an already unpleasant situation.
What to do?
1.We help the child understand their own feelings through conversation and correctly express them adequately: “You were upset that I accidentally broke your house. Now I will fix everything.” 2. We avoid counter-aggression and manipulation like: “Since you don’t love me, then I will leave you forever.” We remain calm and understand the situation, and do not attack in response. 3. We do not allow the child to manipulate us with such phrases. You should not allow the child to do what you just forbade because he “will not love you.” Explain the reason for the ban and discuss the child’s feelings. 4. It is definitely worth considering whether something should be changed in the relationship with the child. Maybe too much pressure is being put on him or we do not value his small and big successes enough? Or, on the contrary, the child is allowed too much, maybe the boundaries of the relationship have become too blurred?As practice shows (fortunately or unfortunately)Unfortunately), often, no matter how parents treat their children, they love them. But it is easy to eradicate love methodically, drop by drop, every day. And the result is deplorable.
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