1. We inspire fear
Remember, when we were kids they told us:Don't go there, there's a bogeyman there? It would seem like a harmless phrase - no one even knows what this fictional creature looks like. Children aged one and a half to two years do not understand the meaning of this strange word, so they begin to associate it with their own fears. And then parents are surprised why their child suddenly became afraid of the dark and silence or, on the contrary, jumps from different sounds. Another completely stupid scare tactic that many moms and dads are still guilty of: if you don't eat/dress warmly/behave well, the doctor will come and give you an injection. Do you think the child will immediately start eating for two? No way! But he will remember your words. And he can only be dragged to the hospital in an unconscious state - when he can no longer resist and the ambulance will take him. Our expert, psychologist, blogger and mother of five children Larisa Surkova:
Recently communicated with a 39-year-old woman with cancerchest of the 4th stage, she is between life and death. She could not bring herself to see doctors for a year, because she was very afraid of them. The grandmothers all childhood frightened her, that the doctor will come and will put to the girl nyxes. Now at the sight of white dressing gowns she sends in her mouth, it's hard for her to talk, and even to be treated even more so.
Photo: GettyImages
2. Breaking Confidence
Situation on the playground.— Your son pushed my daughter! — one woman says to another. Having apologized, the embarrassed mother immediately rushes to scold her offspring. — Seryozha, come here! What is this, why are you offending girls?! — She hit me first! — How many times do I have to tell you – you can’t touch girls! Now, quickly, go home! Sometimes adults pounce on guilty children without even trying to understand the situation. But a child may have his own truth. And by turning a blind eye to it, you break the trust between you. Most often, we are too lazy to talk to a child, to analyze his actions. In the minds of many, there are dry attitudes that you can’t fight and call names. Why? What difference does it make – you can’t, period! But if a child behaves aggressively, there are probably reasons for this. Larisa Surkova:The parents of a 4-year-old boy contacted me,who suddenly stopped talking. It turned out that he had problems in kindergarten: the teacher complained that Vasya, let's call him that, was behaving badly. Mom and Dad believed the teacher and constantly punished the child. Later it turned out that the teacher had her own child in the same group, who did not like Vasya. But no one listened to the boy and did not want to understand that he was having a bad time in kindergarten, that the teacher was oppressing him. The child's psyche was restored for a whole year. Everything got better, but for this the parents also had to work on themselves, become more gentle and attentive.
3. Terrorize with grades
Many parents still draw parallelsbetween a child's bright future and his academic performance at school. A friend of mine quit her job to study with her son. Now her 9-year-old boy bends his back at his desk from lunch until late at night instead of running around the yard with his peers. And she has an ironclad argument for this: - He doesn't try alone - he does something for an hour and then runs to his friends. He used to get a C in math, but now he gets an A! We have an elite lyceum, there are many gifted children in the class - we have to live up to them. And they can expel you for poor academic performance... Each of us has heard of the straight-A student syndrome, but not everyone understands how serious a problem it is. Larisa Surkova:Children are often punished for poor grades, although5-point system is not ideal and subjective. What happens? Got 5 - love you, got 2 - all the sad, and even the cuffs were given. A neurosis is forming, the child strives to be the first always and everywhere, otherwise they will not love. This installation brings him into adulthood. But to be the best everywhere - at work, at home, in sports, by definition is impossible. And the man tears. Then I have to go to a therapist and sit down on drugs. The worst scenario - when a person feels so unsuccessful, so sure that no one likes him, that he can commit suicide.
"Again the deuce" Photo: open source
4. Cultivating anxiety
Life became scary.Turn on the news - terrorist attacks, murders, violence. After listening to the media, you want to go to the store for some stew and lock yourself in an underground bunker. "Don't walk in the vacant lot, a maniac will drag you off, cut you into pieces and throw you in the river!" - my life safety teacher used to say in high school. "Be careful on the escalator, otherwise the belt will suck you in!" - a father teaches his 5-year-old son, going down to the subway. And right there on the platform, a grandmother scares her granddaughter: "Don't go over the line, if you fall on the tracks, the train will cut off your legs!" The advice is correct, but for some reason it gives you goosebumps. It's no wonder that today so many cases of panic attacks are recorded, which arise out of the blue in crowded places. - It happened to me in the subway, - Alena writes on a psychological forum. — Numbness, heart pounding, lump in throat... It went away after five minutes, but the fear of riding the subway remained and periodically makes itself known. Larisa Surkova:Panic attacks are our body's defense mechanism.psyche. This is the reaction of the muscles to the adrenaline you received - for example, the feeling of a lump in the throat. Under the influence of stress hormones in the mouth and it becomes difficult to breathe. Panic attacks have become common due to the huge flow of information. We are drowning in the details of someone else's life and someone else's grief. One day, "the glass overflows", and the psyche gives such a reaction to the slightest stress. Remember that adults are the guarantor of the child's peace and safety.
