Domestic Violence Act: How It Will Affect Children

In the State Duma in the first reading passed a law ondomestic violence. Previously, a criminal case was filed for beating a family member. Now they will not. At least for the first time forgive. True, the law-makers led by the initiator of the project, the notorious Mrs. Mizulina, clarify: only bruises and abrasions will be forgiven. If more serious harm is done to health, then a criminal case will be brought to the tyrant right away. It turns out that if a mother walks with a fingal under her eye, then that's okay. But if dad drunk her ribs break, then maybe they will be punished. But what about the children? What is it like to watch how mom frantically covers the bruises in the morning and cries until dad sees? How will this affect their psyche? Psychological consultant Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni told us about this.Photo: GettyImagesBeatings in the family, especially regular ones, are a symptomso-called dysfunctional family, which is made up of those who were also brought up in a dysfunctional family. In which it is not customary to talk about the essence of the matter, where the most confusing and cruel psychological games are played. But nevertheless, it is a family. We are used to seeing any conflict situation in contrasting tones - black, white, bad, good, we protect this one, and condemn that one. If one is a priori a monster, and the other is a priori a victim, then such a perception cuts us off from understanding the situation as a whole. You can hang labels as much as you like. Let's look without judgment. Why does one person raise his hand against another person? This happens from powerlessness, from a lack of words to describe what he feels and what he wants, from a lack of self-understanding, from the fact that the person himself has such a hell inside that he can no longer contain it, and this hell pours out. The anger in the soul of the family tyrant is off the scale. And behind the anger is his own unlived gigantic pain. The domestic tyrant has a frightened soul. Why, these are already individual reasons. He fights from fear, which has become his nature. He does not know how to build relationships differently. And healthy contact and closeness scare him. Probably, at an early, very tender age, he received a great trauma, which he could not cope with. Therefore, behind the fear there is a huge shame, so huge that the easiest thing for this type of people is to drown it out with alcohol. Shame is where a person has failed. And he lacks the courage to simply see it.Wives of house tyrants are also brought up readyto such relationships, as they have before their eyes the experience of their dysfunctional family. There is no such thing that a girl from a prosperous, psychologically full-fledged family suddenly married an alcoholic rowdy and lived with him all her life, enduring the beatings. If she does, she will not tolerate, she does not have the resources for this. And the daughter of a tyrant father has the resource of keeping a mentally unbalanced person next to him. She is a ready victim, so with her even a potential tyrant will become a real tyrant. She will allow it, often unconsciously. Boys tend to stand up for their mother. And later, in adulthood, it is difficult for them to get out of the shadow of the influence of the mother figure. They seem to take the place of the defender next to the mother, most of their hearts remain close to her. And with other women, if they manage to build relationships, then these are painful stories. These guys often fall in love with women with a difficult fate, which must be saved or protected. Calm, prosperous women without hysteria, they will be of little interest.Photo: GettyImagesIt's very difficult for girls to come out of the shadows.tyrant father. She will look for someone like dad, a bully with a frightened soul and untied hands, but with attempts to remake him. And at the same time provoking the use of physical force, as if arranging an exam - has she achieved success on her path to remaking this specimen or failed. She also has a lot of unfounded shame, and in order to overcome it, she can go to all lengths, just to drown out this feeling of shame. However, these are some generalizations. Everyone's fate is different, since under any starting conditions each person always has a choice - good or evil. Examples from real life. One guy's dad drank and beat his mother, the guy grew up to be a repeat offender. Another's dad also drank and beat his mother, but he grew up and became an extreme rescuer with awards for his exploits. The third's dad drank and beat his mother, he grew up and became an incredible writer. One girl's dad beat her mom, she grew up and became a porn model. Another had a similar family situation, but she became a top-level scientist. Another one became a nun.It is obvious that children from such a family in which theyreceived an excessive amount of pain, the hardest thing is to become someone ordinary, to live an ordinary, unremarkable life of an ordinary citizen. They are able to endure more than an ordinary person, so many of them find themselves in helping professions, where they have to deal with situations in which a person from an ordinary family would go crazy from grief, pain, and the amount of blood. It is even more difficult for them to build a more or less healthy family, where it is joyful and calm, since it is joy and calm that are unusual and frightening for them. They can withstand almost any horror, but almost cannot withstand happiness and silence. True, some of them manage to learn this. But this is already a few. Basically, they are excellent at life roles of either great victories or great falls. And joy, love, well-being are somewhere in the middle.