When the daddy is a bummer
“I’m so tired of carrying the whole house by myself,” she says.Katerina. — I do the grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, and even fixing the faucets in the bathroom. And my husband is relaxing on the couch, saying that he has enough work at work. But I work too! But the worst thing in this situation is that my eldest son, who is 12, acts exactly like his father. And when I ask for help — to take out the trash, wash the dishes, or clean his room — he answers: “I’m not a cleaner. School and training are enough for me. I want to relax at home.”
Photo: Getty.comThe situation with Katerina, unfortunately, is a very common case. Our heroine completely forgot about her needs, carrying the whole house on her shoulders. Forgot that if you do not love yourself, then no one will love you. And what about your husband? Here it is worth thinking about how we ask him for help, at what moments. A man is also a person, and he also gets tired, coming home from work, he wants to be silent, eat, rest a little. When we greet him with a smile, feed him, give him something to drink, say some kind words, it is unlikely that he will refuse to help after that. And thinking about yourself, do not forget that you are first of all a girl. Try to find it in yourself ... kind, vulnerable, sometimes helpless, because this is what helps a man remain a man.
When the pope is rude
“I’m even ashamed to talk about it,” he begins.Alena, but my husband allows himself to insult me and the children when he is drunk. He doesn’t care where we are or with whom, he takes out all his anger and discontent on us. The next morning he asks for forgiveness and promises never to behave like that again, but of course everything repeats itself again. I know that the time is not far off when the children, having copied his habit, will start to behave the same way with me. Once I already read my son’s correspondence, where he called me a fool in a conversation with a friend.” Here you need to figure out why your husband becomes aggressive. Yes, alcohol certainly liberates, but a person does not become completely different. He is still the same, just when sober, perhaps he restrains his impulses to “offend”, “take out his anger”. He accumulates indignation, and then dumps it on you. There is another option: the husband deliberately insults his wife in order to exalt himself, humiliating her. Here you can be sure: everything will escalate, the abuse will develop into beatings. Naturally, the son will copy this model of behavior. First, he will work it out on his mother, and then on his family. But there is a way out of any situation. For example, you can try to pay more attention and care to your husband, tell him how wonderful he is, praise him - but not just like that, but say why. For being such a smart guy, a great example for the child. Or, on the contrary, react to another attack not as usual, differently. This will make the man think.
Photo: Getty.com
When dad drinks
“Can you imagine, I once heard in the yard thatMy son brags that his dad drinks more beer than anyone else, - says Svetlana. - What an achievement! And then he added: "When I grow up, I can do the same." For a boy, a dad is clearly an authority figure. Here you need to talk to your son about his father, but in the right way. Draw the boy's attention to the positive aspects of your husband, to what he should really be proud of. But this will only be effective if the spouse is involved. Perhaps he needs to devote more time to his son. This could be fishing, football, or even just doing something around the house together: nailing a shelf, fixing something. Dad will be the pride of his son, and perhaps, on the contrary, the son will teach his father something. Well, it is still not worth abusing alcohol in the presence of the child.
When my dad is a rowdy
“My husband is very pugnacious,” he admits.Tatyana, - she can fight in a group, on the street with passers-by, and, of course, she loses her temper at home. She doesn't touch the children yet, but I get it from time to time. The girls in the kindergarten are always fighting. The teachers complain about them all the time. If someone says something wrong to them, makes a face, they immediately start using their fists. And they have one excuse: "Daddy allows us to defend ourselves." And they are not afraid of any punishment. Besides, when I make comments to them, they can swing at me too." Living with such a man, who clearly has not matured, gets involved in "cockfights", is like sitting on a powder keg. In such conditions, a woman is exhausted not only emotionally, but also physically. There can be two outcomes: either she becomes a codependent victim who likes to be constantly sympathized with, she constantly looks for an excuse for him, considering herself guilty; or she becomes the same aggressor. The result in any case is a breakup. No silence and humility will help you here. Radical measures are needed if you want to save such a marriage at all. The spouse needs an impetus for change. A breakup can serve as one. Having realized what it is like - without you and the children, he can begin to change in order to get you back. While you are silent, he thinks that you are satisfied with everything.
Photo: Getty.com
When father is unemployed
“My daughter’s father has been hanging around my neck for a year now.And he likes this state of affairs, - says Elena, depressed by her family situation. - While I am at work, and my daughter is at school, he peacefully snores on the sofa, and in the evening he expects me to cook him a delicious dinner. A real parasite. "I am waiting for a suitable job. I do not want to waste myself," - he answers the question of when he will go to work. I am very afraid that my daughter will choose such a parasitic position towards others. She already says that she does not want to study and will not, that it is enough for her to just get married successfully. This situation is a bit similar to the first behavior of the heroine, a "strong woman", where the dominant feminine energy is visible from the very first phrase. "The father of my daughter" - that's what she calls him. That is, not a husband, not a loved one. Elena has not respected him for a long time. This man did not change overnight, he was always like this, Elena just stopped being satisfied with it. Most likely, he is a "mama's boy", his mother adored him, raised him in love, pampering and care. You won't "push" such a man out to work with shouting and scandals. A little ingenuity and acting skills are needed. Use "mother's methods": praise him for any manifestation of independence, convince him that everything depends on him alone and that he is indispensable.
